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Divorce/Separation :
Your feelings the 1st time posting in divorce/separation forum?

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 ThisIsSoLonely (original poster Member #64418) posted at 6:40 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

I don't know what got me thinking about this. I think it was that I responded to someone in the R forum, which I used to post in but don't any longer unless it's a response to someone else.

The first time I posted here I did not want to post in here, but I needed some support more than I didn't want to post. I don't feel much of any of the things I list now, but I sure did when I got up the courage to do it the first time.

1) I felt like a failure

2) I felt like a whole bunch of posters were saying "I told you so" to themselves silently

3) I felt like it was the first step to accepting a whole different set of lonely feelings

4) It felt like I had to be the "angry" BS to post here (which was totally wrong) and that I was going to be joining a bunch of people who wanted to burn their WS to the ground

5) I felt like it was the first big admission that my marriage was 100% over (yes, I'm an idiot - the word separation is there for a reason)

6) I felt like I was admitting that I wasn't "worth it" to my WH

7) It hurt more than expected

I know that most of my perceptions about this forum were garbage and fear-based, but I thought it might help someone who is thinking about posting in this forum how big a step that is for a lot of us...and to know they are not alone.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:20 PM, July 31st (Friday)]

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8568716
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ZenMumWalking ( Member #25341) posted at 6:56 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

((((TISL))))

Yep, I felt like the biggest loser in the world. But as it turned out, D/S is such a welcoming and supportive forum.

Sorry that you need to be here, I know this is not how you wanted things to turn out, but this is the best place you never wanted to be.

((((TISL))))

Me (BS), Him (WH): late-50's
3 DS: 26, 25, 22
M: 30+ (19 1/2 at Dday)
Dday: Dec 2008
Wanted R, not gonna happen
Used to be DeadMumWalking, doing better now

posts: 8408   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2009   ·   location: EU
id 8568727
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 ThisIsSoLonely (original poster Member #64418) posted at 8:19 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

Thanks ZenMum - I guess I should edit to say I don't feel any of those things now...but posting in here for the first time felt like falling off a cliff.

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8568756
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crazyblindsided ( Member #35215) posted at 8:32 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

When I first started posting in here I felt like I didn't want to be here. Then I would freak myself out and go back to General, but my situation just kept getting worse. Now what used to be a place that I feared is now a source of comfort.

fBS/fWS (me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:50 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 24 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8031   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8568764
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Phoenix1 ( Moderator #38928) posted at 8:54 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

I was that angry BS because I found SI when I was in the anger stage, white hot livid rage, as I had just kicked Xhole out of the house on last Dday. This forum was really the only place for me as D was already in the works. I'm sure I sounded a bit unhinged in the beginning, and was all over the place. SI became my safe vent outlet, and helped save my sanity. 😊

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 8992   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8568779
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DevastatedDee ( Member #59873) posted at 9:49 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

I felt immense relief. That told me a lot right there.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4437   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8568802
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BearlyBreathing ( Member #55075) posted at 11:48 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

I remember being very very sad. I didn’t want to divorce. I wanted to be the unicorn couple. But now I see that my head was still in the sand and I still was wearing rose-colored glasses. This was my only way forward. And now I’m pretty damn happy. It just takes so long to get here but we do get to happy.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTAKinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4211   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8568842
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inconnu ( Member #24518) posted at 1:49 AM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

pretty sure my 1st post in D/S was titled something like "but I don't wanna be here..."

But as much as I wanted R, deep down I think I knew it was a lot more likely I'd end up divorced. So I had been reading this forum and NB for several months before I posted here, and I saw how supportive everyone was. And boy, did I need the support. It helped so much posting here while I was going through my divorce. smile

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

posts: 13293   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
id 8568886
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Justsomeguy ( Member #65583) posted at 7:10 PM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

There are two forums that I really feel comfortable in. General and Sep/Div. My favorite is the latter. It is the one I go to for kick ass, take control, my WS is a piece of trash I dropped at the end of the driveway posts. Reading posts here gives me strength and encouragement. Also, it helps me reinforce my own decision to D as I see so many people in JFO or Gen who seem to be trapped in their situations, a place where I was 3 years ago.

I don't think it is failure being here at all. I think it is a powerful recognition that you come first, that you can finally live hour authentic life again, or in some cases, for the first time, without being shacked to a corpse. I am two years into S and it is hard, but soooooo worth it. The non linear shit is exhausting but you will get better. The vector is upwards and forwards. You can do this!

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1110   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8569073
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12yearsloyal ( Member #43064) posted at 4:59 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

I feel brave and scared at the same time, if that is even possible.

Deep down I really don't believe R is possible. I feel like me trying to R is living with a lie that everything can be normal. I will always know that since 2014 my marriage will never be "normal" if I stay in this. So the decision for me is can I be brave enough to D? Or will I continue to live in the "non-normal"?

Him: WS, 51 EA/PA 2.5 years
D Day 3/10/14 N/C broke (phone/email) 6/14-10/14
Me: BS 52
OW: Banana Republic whore
Status: Fence sitting or D Praying for answers
Betrayal: so painful it should be a crime - 12 months in prison.

posts: 285   ·   registered: Apr. 10th, 2014   ·   location: State of Distrust
id 8569609
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99problems ( Member #59373) posted at 6:14 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

Posting here was the time I decided that I was finally worth it.

The time that I mattered to myself. The first time.

The time I decided to grow up and care about myself.

The time I decided to live instead of just exist.

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 1000   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8569654
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Blindsided2425 ( Member #75073) posted at 7:47 PM on Monday, August 3rd, 2020

I was blindsided and felt like a failure, useless, hopeless, never thought I’d be on a site like this. It does get better, got asked on a date by a much younger

, extremely attractive woman, that was a huge ego boost and I realized that I still had something to offer.

posts: 64   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2020   ·   location: Ontario
id 8569699
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ashesofkali ( Member #56327) posted at 12:18 AM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

Reading in the Reconciliation forum used to make me feel like a failure, because I couldn't get my WH to do the things that are considered requirements for R. My WH never wrote a timeline, he refused to be transparent/give me access to his communication devices, he didn't take IC seriously, etc. etc. I thought that was all my fault because I had done everything wrong after DDay. Eventually, I realized that my WH just wasn't a good candidate for R. I threw in the towel, threw out my WH and moved over to the D/S forum. I've been feeling better ever since. These days, I avoid the R forum because some of those stories are more painful than JFO, in my humble opinion.

I'm a fBW, 51, no kids. My xWH had a LTA. I chose D because he was never sorry. Life is way better on this side of infidelity.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2016   ·   location: WA
id 8569810
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BrokenheartedUK ( Member #43520) posted at 1:41 AM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

I felt immense relief. That told me a lot right there.

This^^^^^

I banged my head against the R wall for 13 long months. I posted in R, I wanted to R, my Ex said he wanted to R... but it was a relief when all was said and done and none of the things that needed to happen for a successful R were ever going to happen would ever happen and I had the bolt of clarity on that.

I tried, I don't feel like I failed, I was relieved that it was over. The characteristics that made my Ex an unlikely candidate for R, were the same characteristics that made my marriage bad for me all along: absence of empathy, transparency, authenticity and quite frankly respect. Getting my Ex to offer up any of those qualities was literally impossible--he wasn't capable then or ever.

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3337   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 8569841
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 ThisIsSoLonely (original poster Member #64418) posted at 7:23 PM on Wednesday, August 5th, 2020

Thanks for sharing - seriously I think for most of us its scary to post in here. Like you've downgraded or something. Totally wrong - but a crazy feeling nonetheless.

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8570675
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betrayedafter20 ( Member #72875) posted at 4:45 AM on Thursday, August 6th, 2020

TISL - I felt ALL of your #1 thru #7. This is a very sensitive post for newbies so thank you for bringing it up.

When I first started posting in here I felt like I didn't want to be here. Then I would freak myself out and go back to General

Same here.. Was so hard to associate myself with the words "separation" and "divorce". Except I didn't feel like I belonged elsewhere either. JFO was comfortable for a while but then after a couple of months it was more painful hearing people's new stories and I had gotten past that agony. When I got here, I was ready - but def a jump off the cliff.

Me: BW, 52, BC survivor x2
Married 20 yrs, together 25
14 yo boy Autism spectrum
16 yo typical functioning
DD#1 2/6/13 PA, False R 4+ yrs
DD#2 2/20/20 EA(mutual friend) learned of another PA same day - serial
DD#3 2 weeks later W/PA AP
Separated 5/

posts: 293   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2020   ·   location: IL
id 8570838
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MoviePlot ( New Member #74880) posted at 1:32 PM on Thursday, August 6th, 2020

So I’ve been reading here for some time, since I knew there was only one direction to go. This is my first post here, and I feel ok about it.

I woke up last night and found my STBXWW texting on her iPad, and in the couple of seconds it took her and I to realize what was going on, she had to remove her other hand from underneath the covers to swipe away from a black screen background to her homepage and then the white background of words with friends.

Yep, moving my posting here from General. I’m ready to get this over with. What a relief it will be to not have to keep discovering secrets, lies and other stuff! Looking forward to surrounding myself with normal, loving people.

Hope you all have or will do the same. You deserve it!!

Me BS - 56










Me BS - 56, STBXWW - 55, M - 32 yrs
D-day 27 Sep 19
3x Sons



Me BS - 56, STBXWW - 55
D-Day 27 Sep 2019
3x Sons 30, 28, 23 and D 21

posts: 11   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2020   ·   location: Florida
id 8570912
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countrydirt ( Member #55758) posted at 3:36 PM on Thursday, August 6th, 2020

I echo the sad feelings others have expressed. I also had tremendous shame because "I couldn't love her enough!" to make her see the light. After 4 years of reconciliation efforts on my part, I simply have given up. When she told me that she would have to choose between me and the OW, I turned it back on her and said, "No, you are deciding whether to be divorced or not."

3 sons (mostly grown)
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 290   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8570974
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barcher144 ( Member #54935) posted at 3:43 PM on Thursday, August 6th, 2020

The first time I posted here I did not want to post in here, but I needed some support more than I didn't want to post.

I honestly don't remember my feelings, but my guess is that it was something of a relief. My marriage was a train wreck post-D-day and I was doing the work of two.

When she told me that she wanted a divorce... and then I came around a couple of weeks later to it being the "best thing for everyone"... I felt better. I even went through a 6-week period where I felt something like manic because the stress/burden/weight of carrying my marriage was lifted.

To be honest, it seems that most of you are a lot healthier than me, simply expressing that you don't want to be in the forum but yet... here you are!

Me: BH, age 47
Her: WS, age 44 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5097   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8570980
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 ThisIsSoLonely (original poster Member #64418) posted at 4:43 PM on Thursday, August 6th, 2020

Welcome to the forum MoviePlot - I'm sorry you are here, but it sounds like you are ready:

Yep, moving my posting here from General. I’m ready to get this over with. What a relief it will be to not have to keep discovering secrets, lies and other stuff! Looking forward to surrounding myself with normal, loving people.

I really posted this in the hopes it made people feel better about posting here AND to know most of us can relate to at least some of the feelings you are going through making that first post (and later ones too).

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8571020
Topic is Sleeping.
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