Newest Member: Imthecheater

ashesofkali

I'm a fBW, 51, no kids. My xWH had a LTA. I chose D because he was never sorry. Life is way better on this side of infidelity.

Four years later

I'm a BS, a little more than 4 years past DDay. I've been on SI for nearly 4 years. These days, I'm mostly healed and on my way to a happier life, but I still check in here regularly, for the sake of my sanity. Often, the internet strangers I follow on SI make more sense to me than people I know in real life.

When I first landed here, I was asking the same questions I see many people posting in JFO: "What did I do wrong? Why did my WS cheat on me?" I found no answers to those questions, because there are no answers. Other people's behavior is beyond my control.

I'm an imperfect human, so of course I was an imperfect wife to xWH. But the fact remains: His cheating was his own choice. I never did or said anything evil enough to justify his decision to bang another woman in our bed while I was out working 2 jobs to support his unemployed ass.

After DDay, I spent nearly 2 years attempting to reconcile with xWH. I loved him like crazy, I couldn't imagine a life without him, yada yada yada. So I tried. I tried hard. I asked him to read the little book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" and he said he'd think about it. I bought him a copy and he lost it. When I suggested he go to therapy, he said: "It's too expensive and there's nowhere to park." Yeah, he really said that.

I wanted to forgive xWH and heal our marriage, but how do you forgive someone who isn't sorry? I once told him I was trying to get to a place of forgiveness, but that just made him more impatient. He got angry when it became apparent that forgiveness would not happen quickly or easily. The day he hollered "Why can't you just get over it?!" is the day I realized he wasn't willing to do any work to fix what he had broken. Or maybe the task was just so daunting that he gave up before he started. Regardless, in the end, I have no regrets about divorcing xWH, kinda like how he had no regrets about cheating on me.

I just realized something: I'm not lonely today. I was lonely for years while I was married, but that feeling has finally gone away – and I live alone now. Imagine that. Life is full of possibility, and I can't wait to see what's around the next corner.

As I close out this lengthy post, I'm sending love and healing energy to everyone here, BSes and WSes alike. May we all find the peace and happiness we were born for. Thank you for reading my words.

9 comments posted: Saturday, November 7th, 2020

4 years post Dday

So today marks 4 years since Dday for me.

I wouldn't say I'm completely healed, but I definitely feel a lot better.

Regarding xwh: Couldn't care less about that loser.

Happy Tuesday, y'all.

[This message edited by ashesofkali at 8:49 PM, September 8th (Tuesday)]

2 comments posted: Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

Lonely

I feel like I've spent my whole life being lonely. And I feel pathetic for saying that. I'm a natural introvert: I like to spend time alone, writing and painting and thinking. But that doesn't mean that I want to be alone all of the time. I've always wished I could have just one person to be with, some of the time – someone like me, someone who appreciates being alone sometimes but not always.

I thought my xWH was the same type of lost lonely soul. I thought we clicked. I thought he understood me. I now understand that xWH was just mirroring – he's a narcissistic fuckhead who parroted my behavior so he could get in my pants. I wanted to believe his bullshit, so I did. For about 15 years.

Now... well, it's 4 years since DDay. It's 2 years since I kicked him out. It's 7 months since the divorce was final. I still see his comments on mutual friends' Facebook posts. I still have a tattooed wedding ring on my left hand, third finger (I wear a big ring to cover that tattoo, but it's still there).

It's still there.

I'm so fucking sick of it. But it's still there. Does this pain ever end? I don't think so. I expect to suffer this pain for the rest of my life. Is that fair?

I know I did the right thing by divorcing xWH. But there's nothing for me on the horizon. Nothing. Fuck this shit. Fuck it.

10 comments posted: Wednesday, July 29th, 2020

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