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Would you date someone who cheated in their last marriage

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risingtide posted 3/15/2020 12:45 PM

I did. It didn't work out. He cheated on me.

*Note WXH was very forthcoming early on about his having cheated. But I realized much later on that he had couched it in terms of how awful his ex was -- not in a way where he accepted responsibility for it. It was just something unfortunate that "happened" because of outside forces. Pretty much the same thing I heard 15 years later when he did it to me.

**Note 2: WXH was always adamant about not wanting to be divorced again. I admired that. But then years later when I asked him for a divorce, he put up zero fight. He was also married again within the year. What I learned from that was that it wasn't that he didn't want to be "divorced", it's that he didn't want to be "not married." Those are two very different things.

I wouldn't do it again.

justabrokendream posted 3/15/2020 19:42 PM

At my age likely a guy would be looking for a nurse - No thanks....

HeartFullOfHoles posted 3/15/2020 22:06 PM

Short answer I seriously doubt it. Longer answer, if she was a WS who had done everything possible to atone for her single betrayal, but her BH just couldn't deal with the infidelity, maybe. Though I doubt I will ever meet this almost mythical WW.

HalfTime2017 posted 3/23/2020 22:54 PM

I bet so many of the cheaters lie about the cheating/affair to their new partner.

We all would feel shame, and gut wrenching guilt, but to liars, its their truth. I just don't see a bunch of cowards openly admit to cheating, at least at the early stages of dating.

I can't imagine my exWW say to someone new she's dating "Yea, I cheated on my husband with my Boss, whose wife was 7 months pregnant at the time". I just don't see that type of Candor coming from this crowd. And even if they were honest, I'd bet most of them, like our exes would have all sorts of reasons as to why they cheated. They all follow the same handbook.

[This message edited by HalfTime2017 at 10:57 PM, March 23rd (Monday)]

thishurts123 posted 3/25/2020 09:35 AM

Not a chance. I'd run for the f'n hills.

Hutch posted 3/25/2020 17:33 PM

I know this goes against the majority response of "no". For me, it depends on the situation.

I am technically a cheater and I am always honest about that. I lived in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage with someone who cheated, but stayed because I had children.

We separated in 2018 and I filed for divorce in 2019 when my younger son was a senior in high school. I did not want to destroy his senior year. My divorce will soon be final.

In saying that, even though I was separated a year before my affair, I am technically a cheater. I should have waited for my divorce to be final and I do regret that.

What I would tell a person I am dating is that I remained faithful to an unfaithful man for nearly 20 years. I did find comfort with someone while separated but it doesn't make it right. In everyway, I did cheat.

I hate that someone will question my faithfulness and not fully trust me because of what I did. But I also understand this is a hard limit for most people. It does make me sad that I will always be looked at as a cheater but those are the consequences I live with.

Darkness Falls posted 3/25/2020 20:35 PM

HalfTime, some of us are honest and tell. I did.

eehamlet posted 3/25/2020 20:42 PM

In investing they love to point out that "past performance is no guarantee of future results"

In relationships....... yeah it probably is.

The answer is NO.

kairos posted 3/26/2020 22:10 PM

I am a WS and am now divorced. My betrayal was hideous and I will always regret my terrible choices. I have been in weekly therapy for about 1.5 years. My daily life is a project (of which I take pride).

I can't blame any of the BSs for not wanting to ever give a wayward a chance. And for the most part, I agree with you. First, I am not convinced most cheaters do the hard work of facing the reality of their actions. That said, I do suspect there is a rare set of cheaters who go deep and make change happen.

I have dated a few women I've been interested in. In each case, I have chosen upfront to tell them my history with infidelity directly, with an open book to answering all questions and providing desired details. I want them to know. I absolutely want that truth exposed. I absolutely believe this is the right thing to do.

The real question I would ask is to those who have betrayed. To the waywards, have you done the hard work necessary to trust that you are and will be a safe partner for your entire life? Can you be honest about that with everyone you care for, and anyone you could care for? Can you expose the terrible truth and demonstrate your change?

I know the BSs don't trust us. I don't blame you. I would probably do the same.

[This message edited by kairos at 10:20 PM, March 26th (Thursday)]

Okokok posted 3/27/2020 06:13 AM

It does make me sad that I will always be looked at as a cheater but those are the consequences I live with.

@Hutch, nothing about what you've described here sounds like you had an affair. Why do you view it that way?

EDIT: I guess if your H didn't *know* you were separated, that would be a different story.

[This message edited by Okokok at 6:18 AM, March 27th (Friday)]

digitaldrifter posted 3/27/2020 08:07 AM

@Hutch

I have a friend who had a similar situation. She thinks she kind of cheated. Her husband was a jerk and screwed around on her a lot and left her for another woman without doing the divorce thing. She dated a bit before their divorce was finalized. Now, as someone who was devastated by my exWW's several affairs, I would think that her case and your case would be the only exception I would make.

Westway posted 3/27/2020 14:46 PM

No. Not because I'm one of those who believe waywards are unredeemable, which am not, but because past performance is an indicator of future performance. It would be like hiring a person who just got out of prison for embezzlement to be the new CFO of your company. It's a bad business move.

[This message edited by Westway at 2:46 PM, March 27th (Friday)]

solus sto posted 3/27/2020 14:52 PM

no.

kairos posted 3/27/2020 15:39 PM

HalfTime,

Ditto with Darkness Falls. Although it's hard to do so, I have told every woman i've gone on dates with early on about my past, including the horrible details. What's most important is having that moment of vulnerability. That's not just telling about infidelity. That includes talking about why, internal stuff/triggers, emotions, etc. Sharing such hard things allows for the most important moment between two people: vulnerability. These are all things I didn't do before the affair, and I wish I had.

And to any other wayward person out there, if you're afraid of telling those things, you're just entering into a new relationship of omission and then lies. I think everything has to be an open book, which is where I went wrong with the wonderful woman I betrayed. I was not open, and one missed conversation led to another, then led to lies, led to a network of compartmentalization and more lies. For most cheaters, I think cheating is something they feel they/we need to hide (even if they think they have become a 'safe' partner), sweep under a rug, due to shame and getting stuck in a pattern they can't break. But it's not. And it can become a positive part of your story, if you do the hard work.

I want to use my regretful choices as the important lesson in life. It has impacted every aspect of my life: from how I interact with friends (emotionally), how I achieve goals at work (integrity), how I parent (emotionally and truthfully) and how I view partnership (brutal honesty). I'm still working on all of these things and know it will be a lifetime commitment. It will be part any future relationship.

And moreover, I think it's important to talk about that moment of why I cheated, the decision making process, what I've done to change, any trigger experiences I've had since then. Address it head on.

[This message edited by kairos at 5:50 PM, March 27th (Friday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 4/9/2020 03:27 AM

Thats a hard no. It would bring up too many bad memories from my own horrible marriage.

Plus, if hes a cheater Id worry hed do it again.

TheLostOne2020 posted 4/9/2020 08:39 AM

kairos

And to any other wayward person out there, if you're afraid of telling those things, you're just entering into a new relationship of omission and then lies. I think everything has to be an open book, which is where I went wrong with the wonderful woman I betrayed. I was not open, and one missed conversation led to another, then led to lies, led to a network of compartmentalization and more lies. For most cheaters, I think cheating is something they feel they/we need to hide (even if they think they have become a 'safe' partner), sweep under a rug, due to shame and getting stuck in a pattern they can't break. But it's not. And it can become a positive part of your story, if you do the hard work.

I completely agree with this. If you bring it up early, bring up work you've done, and how you've changed, then I think that would be a positive start. I don't think that I would date the person, just because of my history, but I could see other people doing so.

BentandBroken posted 4/9/2020 21:54 PM

That's a no for me.

Already suffered through infidelity in two long term relationships (WH#1 7 year marriage, WH#2 23 year relationship but never officially married) Working with IC to figure out my patterns because I don't think I could live through it a 3rd time. Not that I'll be dating any time soon.

Hedwig posted 4/10/2020 02:50 AM

Nope.

I wouldn't date someone who cheated in a long lasting relationship either.

It baffles me how some people view cheating in a monogamous relationship vs cheating in a marriage. If you have expressed and said out loud that you are exclusively having sex with and dating each other, then it's cheating if you do otherwise. My xWBF told me he cheated on his girlfriend in highschool, but only because she didn't let him break up with her due to finals. I missed that HUGE red flag. Not only the cheating, but also the justification of it. HUUUUUGE red flag. No responsibility taking, nothing.

J707 posted 4/11/2020 11:45 AM

I will say I respect the waywards that have done the work and really have worked hard to change themselves into a trusting person. My XW isn't one of those. I'm with Halftime. From my past betrayal experience of what I went through, I just couldn't knowingly date someone who came forward and said they cheated. I can't. Nope. Just as Halftime said, I don't see my ex telling people that she had multiple affairs. She just tells them that I'm an asshole and we divorced. I know I run the risk with any future relationships but I hope with my healing and the time I've taken, I'll see red flags waving at me.

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