Took my own advice
Full disclosure: I'm not sure where this should go.
I was looking at another message board that I've posted to for almost ten years now. Going through some of the meaningless 'awards' that other users have given me for various posts I stumbled upon this post of mine that I wrote four years ago. This would have been toward the beginning of my ex wife's affair:
A two year physical affair is not a 'cheating event' that I think I could get over. She was in love with this dude and lying to you for two years.
She can be in mourning, whatever - but I wouldn't stay with her. That level of betrayal is far too much. She's asking too much of you to put up with her mourning, IMO.
She's a stay at home mom - was she fucking this dude at your house with your kids present?
Personally I don't think the trust will come back. I can't see how it would. Without trust there's no relationship - just a combination of people who are miserable.
You can't put your kids through that.
Talk to a lawyer.
My ex wife cheated on me for five years (3+ years emotional, then 1-2 years physical), just for perspective. Had she not acted the way she acted after D Day I might have reconciled with her. That said, I think what I wrote in the above is true - that had I not come here, had she behaved a bit differently, I would have reconciled with her and trust would not have come back. I would have been miserable. I would have inadvertently put my kids through that.
As painful as it was, I'm glad shit didn't go down like that and I divorced her.
6 comments posted: Thursday, April 8th, 2021
Just an update
So I have a link to my story in my bio. Basically I found out January first that my STBXW was cheating on me and had been for essentially five years (5 years EA, 2 years PA, roughly). It was a horrible experience, she was callous and ego centric and basically treated me like pig-shit. Anywho, I separated from her, hired a mediator to come up with a separation agreement. Right now I've hired another lawyer to turn that separation agreement into a divorce agreement (or whatever they're called). It was a bit more expensive than I thought, but whatever.
Basically on January 2nd the process starts and five weeks after that I will be officially divorced. I could have paid extra for a rush process but it was already more expensive than I thought it was going to be and that would only shave off three weeks.
My STBXW has paid exactly zero towards any of this. It's just a further reflection of her character in my opinion, but whatever. I find that the only thing that irritates me is that I've had to foot most of this on my own dime. I'm chalking it up to an expensive lesson. Pay attention to red flags and prioritize yourself and your value.
It's been a lot better than I thought it would be, back in February. I'm generally okay - I feel like I've made a lot of progress. I'm kind of concerned that I'm compartmentalizing and whether or not that's healthy.
Basically I tend to view my 'old wife' as non-existent, if that makes sense. It's like she died. All that's left is the mother of my children. I don't include her or fill her in on what I'm doing and I don't care what she's doing. She'll occasionally talk about stuff when I'm picking up the kids or whatever but I largely don't pay attention.
18 comments posted: Monday, December 21st, 2020
Different Gift Ideas
Okay, so Christmas is coming up, but this thread doesn't have to just be about Christmas. It can be for anything where you buy a present for someone.
Now, I have two kids and parents to buy for. I'm looking to buy some really cool, really different type of stuff. My daughter likes cosplays so getting her items that help with that is always a good thing. My son likes nerf guns and video games. My parents like clothes, electronics, and food.
As I said, I'm looking for 'different'. Like Man Crates, tickets to plays/musicals, puzzles with meaningful pictures on them, etc (these are things that I've gotten people in the past).
Anyone have any cool gift ideas?
5 comments posted: Monday, December 7th, 2020
Old Friends and Regrets
Alright so the other day I met up with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in two decades. I will call her Tammy because that's like as close to a 180 from her name as it can be. Anyway, she was one of my best friends in High School and directly afterward. We hung out a lot and were really close. I had girlfriends, she had boyfriends, and our friendship wasn't affected.
My ex enters the picture and she was never right with Tammy, she always thought that there was something going on. She thought this because we were close. In particular, Tammy had a child and she wanted me in the delivery room with the father. So I was. Note, this was prior to me dating my ex.
I cannot tell you how many times and how much shit my ex gave me for this. It started as a gentle ribbing that I was the father of Tammy's kid, but it was incessant and eventually caused me to withdraw from my friend (there were other incidents, mind you).
In any event, the other day Tammy and I got in touch and we went out to lunch. It was truly a great experience. We caught up a lot, but there's still a lot of ground to cover. What was supposed to be an hour lunch turned into a four hour lunch. So we will probably hang out in the future.
I'm bothered by the regret I feel for letting my ex affect my friendship with Tammy. I lost a lot of friends (not just Tammy) when I got together with my ex. At the time I thought it was simple attrition due to growing up and growing apart and, to be fair, the bulk probably was due to that.
I think, in the future, if I date someone and they make me sacrifice a friendship then it's probably a red flag. It's something that I should pay attention to. This is probably obvious but I'm reflecting on it today and friendships lost. Also, I want to say that this is something I need to be responsible for - it might seem that I'm blaming my ex but ultimately I'm the one that withdrew.
[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 6:55 AM, December 4th (Friday)]
10 comments posted: Friday, December 4th, 2020
The Dating Process
So I've started my hand at online dating.
It's only been a short time but I've been on two dates and I'm setting up a third. The first date was with someone who I liked a lot but I feel like she was damaged in a way that I can't deal with yet. I have my own damage, obviously, so I'm not trying to be hypocritical here. The thing is I think that, in a year or two, maybe it could have been a thing.
The second date was with someone who had cheated on her partner. She was nice enough but was rather clandestine through texts. So I bit the bullet and asked her to a date. She was really pretty, really successful, and I thought we got along well. That said, after we revealed our respective histories the mood changed a bit. Not overtly but enough.
I'm trying to make plans with another woman who seems really sweet.
Anyway, I'm often asked what I'm looking for and what I want. I don't really feel that I'm all that complicated. I don't have a lot of wants - loyalty, chemistry, and I'd say baggage that's being worked on and that is compatible with my own.
The rest of it I'm not sure about. For instance, having kids. I'm 42 and I already have kids. Some of the women I'm talking to want kids. I don't think I'm opposed to this but I honestly don't know. I like kids. So the idea of having more is somewhat appealing.
Any advice on what sort of things I should be looking out for? I realize there's a subjectivity here but I feel like I'm shooting in the dark.
4 comments posted: Monday, November 30th, 2020
2020 The Saga Continues...
So I am now separated. That drama unfolded here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=643302
I'll be divorced after January 1st 2021, so most likely I'll send in the paperwork/contact the lawyers late December to get my ducks in a row.
I'm seeking to rebuilt. I'm moved in and I just signed up for the gym that's close by. I have to switch over insurance, switch my addresses in a few places, and begin anew.
My kids (9 and 12) are doing pretty good right now. I hope it stays like that but we will see.
37 comments posted: Tuesday, June 16th, 2020