D-Day 1: New Year's Day 2020
D-Day 2: Jan 21 2020
There was no D-Day 3.
6/12/2020: Moved out.
3/02/2021: Officially divorced.
I'm 43 and just starting to have the answers to the universe...
Just an update
So I have a link to my story in my bio. Basically I found out January first that my STBXW was cheating on me and had been for essentially five years (5 years EA, 2 years PA, roughly). It was a horrible experience, she was callous and ego centric and basically treated me like pig-shit. Anywho, I separated from her, hired a mediator to come up with a separation agreement. Right now I've hired another lawyer to turn that separation agreement into a divorce agreement (or whatever they're called). It was a bit more expensive than I thought, but whatever.
Basically on January 2nd the process starts and five weeks after that I will be officially divorced. I could have paid extra for a rush process but it was already more expensive than I thought it was going to be and that would only shave off three weeks.
My STBXW has paid exactly zero towards any of this. It's just a further reflection of her character in my opinion, but whatever. I find that the only thing that irritates me is that I've had to foot most of this on my own dime. I'm chalking it up to an expensive lesson. Pay attention to red flags and prioritize yourself and your value.
It's been a lot better than I thought it would be, back in February. I'm generally okay - I feel like I've made a lot of progress. I'm kind of concerned that I'm compartmentalizing and whether or not that's healthy.
Basically I tend to view my 'old wife' as non-existent, if that makes sense. It's like she died. All that's left is the mother of my children. I don't include her or fill her in on what I'm doing and I don't care what she's doing. She'll occasionally talk about stuff when I'm picking up the kids or whatever but I largely don't pay attention.
18 comments posted: Monday, December 21st, 2020
Old Friends and Regrets
Alright so the other day I met up with a friend of mine that I haven't seen in two decades. I will call her Tammy because that's like as close to a 180 from her name as it can be. Anyway, she was one of my best friends in High School and directly afterward. We hung out a lot and were really close. I had girlfriends, she had boyfriends, and our friendship wasn't affected.
My ex enters the picture and she was never right with Tammy, she always thought that there was something going on. She thought this because we were close. In particular, Tammy had a child and she wanted me in the delivery room with the father. So I was. Note, this was prior to me dating my ex.
I cannot tell you how many times and how much shit my ex gave me for this. It started as a gentle ribbing that I was the father of Tammy's kid, but it was incessant and eventually caused me to withdraw from my friend (there were other incidents, mind you).
In any event, the other day Tammy and I got in touch and we went out to lunch. It was truly a great experience. We caught up a lot, but there's still a lot of ground to cover. What was supposed to be an hour lunch turned into a four hour lunch. So we will probably hang out in the future.
I'm bothered by the regret I feel for letting my ex affect my friendship with Tammy. I lost a lot of friends (not just Tammy) when I got together with my ex. At the time I thought it was simple attrition due to growing up and growing apart and, to be fair, the bulk probably was due to that.
I think, in the future, if I date someone and they make me sacrifice a friendship then it's probably a red flag. It's something that I should pay attention to. This is probably obvious but I'm reflecting on it today and friendships lost. Also, I want to say that this is something I need to be responsible for - it might seem that I'm blaming my ex but ultimately I'm the one that withdrew.
[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 6:55 AM, December 4th (Friday)]
10 comments posted: Friday, December 4th, 2020
The Dating Process
So I've started my hand at online dating.
It's only been a short time but I've been on two dates and I'm setting up a third. The first date was with someone who I liked a lot but I feel like she was damaged in a way that I can't deal with yet. I have my own damage, obviously, so I'm not trying to be hypocritical here. The thing is I think that, in a year or two, maybe it could have been a thing.
The second date was with someone who had cheated on her partner. She was nice enough but was rather clandestine through texts. So I bit the bullet and asked her to a date. She was really pretty, really successful, and I thought we got along well. That said, after we revealed our respective histories the mood changed a bit. Not overtly but enough.
I'm trying to make plans with another woman who seems really sweet.
Anyway, I'm often asked what I'm looking for and what I want. I don't really feel that I'm all that complicated. I don't have a lot of wants - loyalty, chemistry, and I'd say baggage that's being worked on and that is compatible with my own.
The rest of it I'm not sure about. For instance, having kids. I'm 42 and I already have kids. Some of the women I'm talking to want kids. I don't think I'm opposed to this but I honestly don't know. I like kids. So the idea of having more is somewhat appealing.
Any advice on what sort of things I should be looking out for? I realize there's a subjectivity here but I feel like I'm shooting in the dark.
4 comments posted: Monday, November 30th, 2020