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Cooley, yes I've read The Gift of Fear. And indeed I probably was on guard. I thought to myself a thousand times that I loved him. But whenever I would see him in person something held me back from saying it. He was very physically affectionate, and would tell me I was beautiful, but conversations about deep feelings rarely happened. even if he had said it back to me, I think I would have wondered if he really meant it.

Does any of that sound like it fits him, Bleep? If so, you enjoyed him at his best.

He wasn't overly critical, but there were a couple of times he made comments about random people that I thought were unkind. Things I wouldn't have said to someone I was dating just a few months. He works in a very technical field. He flies aircraft that requires hyper-vigilance at all times while flying. His perfectionist meticulous personality makes him very very good in his field. He can put pieces of a puzzle together instantaneously and see danger where someone else might not. In fact a couple of months ago, he radioed a message to air traffic control that likely saved the lives of two of his co-workers who were flying another aircraft and should have known of the danger, but didn't.

His house is always perfectly clean. His closet and drawers are perfectly organized. His truck never has a spot on it. In hindsight, I should have recognized that incorporating three kids into his life would have been a huge imposition. He already raised his two kids and they have been out of the house for likely a decade.

But like he said, we were so perfectly matched for each other, that he (both of us really) failed to look ahead at how the future would unfold for us. I did think about this, but had no answer so I never brought it up. Avoidance by me. Live and learn for the next time.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:25 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

WTB, I think you are being way to hard on yourself. And too easy on him. I could buy the idea that given his perfectionist nature it would have been hard to incorporate your kids into his life. But here's the problem with that thinking. Why was it your job to think that through.

He knew you had kids when he started dating you. Being an intelligent, rational person, he also knew there was no chance you were going to ditch your kids for a relationship with him all on his terms. He dated you anyway. So this is not just about how he chose to end it. This is about how he approached it. Mr. Perfectionist in all likelihood knew that if he said from the beginning "Gee Who. You're perfect for me, except for those pesky kids" you'd have moved along. Instead he took what he wanted with no regard to what you wanted long term.

Something I've learn over many years of dating after my divorce. If a person has had many relationships, some of them long term and hasn't committed to any of them by their 50s and 60s, it's because they don't intend to commit. Not to anyone. I've had three serious relationships since my divorce over 25 years ago, and in each case they found some flaw in me that couldn't quite let them close the deal. With one exception, all three are still single. And the exception would still be single, except he is very devoutly Catholic and in his mid 50s he got his much younger girlfriend pregnant. So he married her. But not until he made her take 9 pregnancy tests to prove she wasn't lying and had a paternity test done as well.

What you should learn from this is to ask about those past relationships. Don't be afraid to ask for details for fear it will turn him off. You wouldn't buy a used car without a carfax report. Why would you risk you heart to someone without ALL of the information about who they are.

I could buy the idea that given his perfectionist nature it would have been hard to incorporate your kids into his life. But here's the problem with that thinking. Why was it your job to think that through

Because of this:

Instead he took what he wanted with no regard to what you wanted long term.

I realize it's impossible to get ahead of every issue. But going forward I'm probably going to try to do that...sigh. Even if it's not my job. I'll bring it up, talk about it, not just assume he's OK with it because he started DATING me in the FIRST place. Grrrrr....

Another infidelity forum lady has a saying, well actually two that ho well together. They are as follows: don't try to untangle the skein of fuckedupedness and trust that he sucks.

Maybe this jackass really didn't want to deal with your kids, or maybe he was using that as his go to excuse to cheat and discard. Also, it is irrelevant, he is still a jackass for both cheating and discarding without being genuine and honest with you. He had agency. If he legitimately had an ah ha moment that he realized he didn't want to be involved with your kids, he could have told you. If he legitimately decided he didn't want to be monogamous any longer, he could have told you. Who cares why he is fucked up, he's fucked up. With time, you will get past the why's because you are a smart cookie.

Most jackasses start to show their true colors at about the one year mark, even the really good ones. So you, with your keen picker, realized even sooner and that really is a pat-yourself-on-the-back achievement. I'm sorry you got hurt, but sadly you sometimes have to kiss a few frogs before finding a prince. And a year really is about the time you should start being able to clearly weed out those wearing a mask.

Maybe a tiny flag, but definitely hard to determine at the time was how soon he was willing to introduce you to his kids and family. But even that wouldn't be a clear indicator without other yellow flags to accompany it. So don't be so hard on yourself. You are going to get past this. And when you are ready, you'll date again. Just be extra gentle with yourself for a while. It wasn't your responsibility to be psychic. Ok.

It wasn't your responsibility to be psychic. Ok.

^^^^This.

It's really wasn't anything that you did or didn't do, just as it wasn't with your STBXH. That's really hard to live with because it also points to the fact that we can't control the outcomes of these things.

He's a gigantic dick, to be sure, for not articulating his concerns about your children earlier--even his friend told him to speak to you about it. But he just went ahead and got online and just put feelers out without braving the conversation. What a coward. Gah.

You can run all this through your head to try and determine where you missed the signs, and maybe there were some indicators such as a lack of long term relationships for almost a decade but at the end of the day, you can't be responsible for not being a mind reader. He wasn't communicating the important information, you couldn't have known that, and you found out earlier then later. That's the only good part of the story for you.

This isn't your fault. It sucks, it's triggering and traumatic and it stirs up all your doubts about yourself you worked so hard to overcome. But... it's not a 20 year marriage, and it's not going to be every relationship and it's not anything other then this one guy was a dick.

I think a part of us BSs believe that we deserve good karma (and God knows we totally deserve it) but the fact is, we don't deserve anything more or less then anyone else. Shit things will still happen to us, as much as we try and control those situations, we just can't control everything.

Big hug. He's an asshole that never deserved you in the first place.

Thank you, StillLivin and BHUK. I've been second guessing myself about this whole thing. What could I have done differently. Both of you are right. I am taking too much responsibility for something he chose to do completely on his own.

And also Charity, thank you. He is 54, had a starter marriage when he was very young, 20, which produced his two kids. Then a 13-year marriage, together for 15. She cheated. Then a 7-year live-in relationship. She apparently cheated as well, caught by a neighbor out with another man. He is definitely not afraid of commitment. In fact he claims to love being in a long-term relationship. He's that guy. I think he's just super picky at this point in his life. And obviously an ass about how he handles relationship issues.

Let me ask you this. Did you enjoy the relationship for the most part? Can you legitimately say that it was fun while it lasted (or at least until it wasn't)?

When I ended my disaster of a M, the hardest bitter point to get over was the fact that i gave up so much for him while basically getting zero in return. I told myself i would never again be in an imbalanced relationship where i was doing all the work and all the giving and getting jack shit back in affection, loyalty, and love. If i were ever in another relationship and it had to end, my lesson learned is that i wouldn't stick around ever again for being mistreated and miserable. I would only stay in it if i could look back after a break up and say, "It was fun while it lasted." That way, for whatever reason it ended, even betrayal, I'd not have lost too much. I wanted to be able to look back and have some great memories of being cherished, i wanted to be with a partner that helped me learn some really great life lessons from acts of joy.

We cannot always predict who the duds are gonna be. But we can end things when it's not fun anymore. YOU DID THAT! This is a major accomplishment. You may have several more relationship where they have to end for one reason or another before you find your lifetime partner. Sometimes he may be a really great guy, but not a great fit for YOU. KWIM.

This hurts for now, but I think in time you will see how awesome you were for ending it when it stopped being good, and ending it immediately and decisively. God I HOPE I am able to do that if the situation ever merits. Take everything you learned, all the great feelings, emotions, and memories, and cherish those. When the next one comes along, expect just as much and more good to come from that relationship too.

Know that this is his loss. He was a jackass. Keep the positives and throw the negatives and self doubt in the trash because it was fun while it lasted, next!

Hugs

Let me ask you this. Did you enjoy the relationship for the most part? Can you legitimately say that it was fun while it lasted

Yes. I felt cherished and respected every single day. He was very thoughtful and generous and a perfect gentleman, always. And we never ran out of things to talk about. Our fields are somewhat connected, so we were able to talk freely about work and the other always understood. I have so many good memories with him.

Even giving him the benefit of the doubt about possible step parenting your children doesn’t change the fact that he was already cheating. What he did was cheating. He can be somebody else’s headache. I think you dodged a bullet. You might have gotten married and THEN his did this. He was hunting. Nope. Just nope.

Hugs to you on Valentine’s Day. Love yourself and your kids.

You are 100% right, Cooley. Thank you.

Well maybe some good can come out of this. Now you know you can move on and date and have feelings and so on. BUT also he sucks. He is a dumb ass and a coward. You on the other hand are amazing. I am very glad you did not have him meet your kids since he felt that way. They deserve better. You did act swiftly and knew exactly who you were and what you would stand for. This is major for a previous BS. You were not shocked beyond action, or crippled. Hurt, sure. Bringing up old feelings, understandable. BUT....you know you are worth more and that speaks volumes.

Think about how many of us were fooled in our marriages, often by decades. In many cases, no red flags (waving hand) whatsoever to indicate we were dealing with a wolf in sheep's clothing. We were played. Pure and simple.

Your guy was one of those skilled players. Nothing more. Nothing you did wrong or signs missed. It just is.

Given that, look at this as a painful (for the heart) blessing. You caught it early instead of decades later. That is a GOOD thing! As much as it hurts, there IS a positive side to this! Cling to that positive. Hard, yes, but put your energy there. He deserves none of it. None.

((Bleep))

((bleep))

You are an amazing person who deserves someone's whole heart!

I’m so sorry that this happened to you.

The good news is that he’s not the ONE. That person is still out there living his life and he will be the person that you need him to be as a partner when you do meet him.

Please stay hopeful. You are a wonderful person, and I’m in awe of your courage in ending it with him the way that you did.

Trying to catch up on all this. If it hasn’t been said already, thank GOD he didn’t meet your kids. So glad this came out and you addressed it before they were involved.

It hurts but you are strong and beautiful and a catch! Enjoy your life on your terms and maybe someday there will be a person worthy of all of you—including your kids.

Hugs

I'm so sorry to read what you've been through WTB.

I dated someone with Asperger's a few years back and, after we had said our I love you's, I found out that he had gone back on the dating site we met on. It hurt a lot, but I'm glad I discovered it early on.

You deserve much better than him.

Hugs.

Hey Bleep... I am late to the discussion, but my condolences on the end of the relationship...

and also... I am totally impressed with how you handled it.

Thanks again, everyone. Feeling better everyday.

Barcher, where ya been, brother from another mother? Hope all is going smoothly for you.