SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

But this was a DDay Bleep. You found out. And you acted swiftly and decisively with no waffling or hand-wringing or second-guessing. You listened to your gut and you made the hard call. Even if you don't, I see that as pretty amazing. And as a testament to how much you have learned in going through all of this. You should truly be very proud of yourself!!

This times 1000!!

When I told him he broke something that was irreparable, I meant something between him and me.

Oops - got it. I took it the wrong way.

The guy is an idiot for doing this to you. He had lots of option on how to deal with is concerns in the relationship. The choice he decided on versus all others speaks volumes.

Onward and upward!

The choice he decided on versus all others speaks volumes.

It really does. I'm having a really hard time reconciling in my brain the man I thought he was and the man he turned out to be. And to have so little regard for me when all I ever wanted was his happiness.

It's not so much the loss of him that has me grieving, although that's part of it. Who I thought he was anyway. But it's my complete lack of faith in myself to know who is a good man and who isn't. I don't want to be alone. I loved being in a relationship. I just can't go through this again and again and again. These are the nightmares of dating that people talk about. I was convinced I found a good man. I felt so lucky. I couldn't believe my luck, in fact. I was so grateful every single day for having met him. And then he does this. I feel pretty hopeless about love right now.

This is so dumb, you guys. It was only 9 months, and yet I'm not sleeping, can't eat (already down 3 lb, and I'm skinny!). I'm unsure of my future. STBX is ever the asshole. I had this thought this morning that I feel like I can't even take care of my kids. That I should just call someone to come and take them so I can curl up & die. WTH?

Just to confirm, I am not suicidal. I'm just so tired, and feeling so hopeless. What's the point of anything.

Aren't I a drag, today...

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:05 AM, February 13th (Thursday)]

You know, I really don't blame someone for not wanting to date someone with kids. I have a 10yo and 4yo. They're a lot. I get it. But fuck sake you need to figure that out BEFORE you get with a mom or dad.

I'm a bit late. I just read all of these pages today.

Bleep, you are amazing. I'm so proud of the actions you took throughout this entire process since you first found out.

One thing that I wanted to comment on...

According to him, he was realizing my young kids were going to be an issue for him

When I was doing online dating, I made a coffee date with a guy who I wasn't really interested in, but I wanted to give him a chance because I needed the experience. Before we made the date, he assured me that my kids are OK because his exgf has kids. But before we met, he decided he didn't want to date someone with kids. No big deal as I wasn't THAT interested anyway. Some time later, he messaged me again asking me out. I promptly reminded him that the reason he didn't want to meet me previously still existed.

Bleep. You know this had to have dredged up any unfinished fears and concerns. And it’s so fresh and raw. When you’ve got a little more time you’ll see how dating him helped reaffirm your attractiveness, desirability, your ability to live and be cared for. And your super well tuned gut. Accept the shitty feeling for a bit. See if those dredged bits can’t be put away once and for all this time.

Yes, he’s an ass. But by your own admittance, he’s really the only one you’ve dated. There are lots of guys out there. Good ones included.

Lick your wounds- I know it hurts. Then regroup when you’re ready. Figure out the lessons learned, what you would do differently. Then go take the dating world by bleeping storm.

You are a rockstar. You really truly are.

Holy cow, the few hours SI was down today felt like the longest few hours of my life. I didn't realize just how much I rely on this place until I couldn't get here. Reload reload reload... Darn blue bar wouldn't move and just kept timing out. Oh the horror.

I forced myself to get stuff done today. Paid some bills, booked some appointments (really looking forward to that [future employment-related] shotgun course at the shooting range by the way!! Hahaa. It's going to feel oddly satisfying to blow some s*** away, and the recoil should knock me out of my funk whether I want it to or not, hahaa) did my taxes, and then forced a 30 minute hiit workout. Nothing like a few endorphins and a puddle of sweat to turn your head around. Not completely around but just enough to let me know that I'm going to be fine. Just that darn four-letter word again...time.

I want you all to know I read through every single post in this thread multiple times now. Even if I haven't thanked you personally, know that every single post here was helpful. More helpful than you know. I have read each one over and over. I am so grateful for all of you.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 8:53 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

Huge hugs to you and kudos for getting so much done today! I'm sure that felt great. I hope you have a fantastic weekend. ((Hugs))

Bleep, Somehow I knew the feeling you would come away from this with: as you expressed "...the lack of faith in myself to know who is a good man, and who isn't." This is exactly why I thought you'd like Tracy Cabot's writings. Her stories about the fatal flaws of one XBF after another were sooo enlightening when I read her book Marrying Later Marrying Smarter. She would say things like "...here is what I shoulda seen..." At the time, they spoke to me, and helped me feel less alone in my mid-40's.

There are other books I also had to have, like Avoiding Mr. Wrong but I'm not sure how much that one would help a woman who is not just leaving college, and has already suffered through a few Mr. Wrongs like we have, GF.

I remember reading somewhere that a common tactic used is to end a romantic relationship over something they knew from the get-go! As some others have posted, I wondered if this hasn't been exactly his pattern. There may have been deeper, unrevealed "layers" to this man, if my experience means anything.

As I first said, this retreat he pulled wasn't due to you, but to his own motives. Watch out that he doesn't come crawling back in time.

(I should give a caveat here: despite all I thought I got from reading little paperback classics, I dated this man for 48 months, we married, and still I never had the truth on his background! He lied so convincingly about his past that everybody was stunned when the truth came out 4 years into the marriage (8 years later)! Talk about a gut kick to what I and everybody else who knew us considered a happy new marriage, after I'd spent 13 years single. So you see, I'm no one to give advice on this topic! However, my SAWH's denial, out-and-out lying and partial truths, mingled with his spectrum issues, were totally new, in my experience.)

Mostly posting to send you my condolences, so stunned we all are with this latest. I hated the website outage today, too!

[This message edited by Superesse at 11:15 PM, February 13th (Thursday)]

Bleep I’m so sorry this happened. I just read the whole thread and I’m in awe of your strength. That guy was just practice to prep you for the right one.

He sounds sneaky. He is way too good at this. His relationships have an arc. The new exciting part, the getting to know you part, the beginning of boredom part, the sneaking around part, the discard part. Please realize that he mirrored you so that it felt like you were both on the same page. You put some barriers up concerning your kids. He was waaaay too happy about that. Once you decided he could meet them he was outta here.

You did nothing wrong. He just went back to page one in his playbook. You are lucky your friend told you or one day you would have been ghosted.

Btw, your kids were an excuse. That’s what makes him a bad man.

I had to re-read the last thing Cooley wrote, and now it's really hitting me; if I understand her correctly, she is saying that so long as he wasn't having to interact with your children, he was "all in," but soon as you felt he might be worthy of introducing to them, he folded like a cheap tent? Wow. Does that fit with the facts?

This development could hardly have come at a worse time of year, but at least you have your babies to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day, right? And us.

Superesse, I did check out Tracy's web page. I'll look into it more when I'm ready. Thank you. And coco, he went back online at least 2 months ago, I only brought up the kids a few days ago. So it wasn't that.

I do think this might be a possibility:

" His relationships have an arc. The new exciting part, the getting to know you part, the beginning of boredom part, the sneaking around part, the discard part".

Or this:

I remember reading somewhere that a common tactic used is to end a romantic relationship over something they knew from the get-go! As some others have posted, I wondered if this hasn't been exactly his pattern. There may have been deeper, unrevealed "layers" to this man, if my experience means anything.

Another member mentioned a similar MO earlier. His last long-term relationship ended in 2011. Since then he's had some shorter relationships like mine and probably lots of casual dating. I suspect he did the monkey branch thing a few times before. It seems like it came all too easily for him. And to be honest, the conversation we had seems like one he's had many times. Just my Spidey senses picking that up. He was oddly emotionless, and didn't seem distressed by my pain at all. He has always been very stoic and keeps his feelings inside, so I guess that's not unusual. I just expected a little bit more from him during the confrontation. Absolutely the best that this happened after only 9 months. If several years had passed it would be so much more difficult.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:24 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

This is so dumb, you guys. It was only 9 months, and yet I'm not sleeping, can't eat (already down 3 lb, and I'm skinny!).

Not dumb at all!!!

All heartbreaks hurt but I do remember that first relationship after my D. He done me dirty (like you) and OMG the pain! As I was crying on SI someone told me that sometimes that breakup feels worse than your actual D heartbreak. They said to think of it as you fell down and cut open your knee.....it is healing and then you fall again on concrete and re-open it. It hurts so much worse because there was already a previous wound there.

It made sense to me so I hope it helps you a little.

You did nothing wrong here. This is not because you had or didn't have kids. I have dated both and both have their pros/cons. This is not because you didn't check in on how the relationship was doing along the way. This had nothing to do with you. This is all because very talked the talk. BUT his actions [eventually] showed he could not walk the walk.

You are not new to heartache so you know there are stages. Let yourself go through that grieving. It is important.

Do whatever to get yourself through (vegging, chocolate, screaming, and my favorite.....crying in the car alone).

To love someone you have to respect them. And if he respected me he never could have betrayed me.

This. Truth. As a fellow BS, I now believe this more than ever. I've been seeing my SO for about 1.5 years now and I could never imagine him hurting me. And, I never have to "check in" because he tells me all of the time how he feels. I never had that with STBXWH or anyone else. He also knows that I will never tolerate a lie or a betrayal. Maybe I'm hardcore but life is too short. We're honest with each other, even when it can hurt. You deserve this.

Although I know you're hurting, I'm glad things ended. Bottom line - he's not good enough for you. You are strong and special and deserve better.

{{{{{WTB}}}}}

Even if you didn’t mention meeting the kids you were dealing with a man who is an expert at reading people. He knew this was coming.

He probably doesn’t even know that he operates this way, unless he is a sociopath. So far he reads like a very superficial person who can’t get in the trenches. It was inevitable that he would meet your kids soon. Look at the length of the relationship.

There is no way you could protect yourself from someone who can mirror you back. It sound real, it looks real, it feels real. These kind of people just flit through life.

Edit to give an example of mirroring:

Him: Do you like pizza?

You: I love pizza!

Him: so do I. What kind?

You: I like crazy ones. Like veggies and pineapple.

Him: Amazing. So do I. Let’s get one soon. How about beer?

You: Beer’s fine but I love wine with pizza.

Him: That’s perfect. Can’t wait to find a good pizza place.

You give all the info and he just mirrors it back.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:43 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

Actually Cooley, I don't think he was mirroring. He is very particular about a lot of things in his life and wasn't afraid to let people know it, including me. The things we did agree on I believe we truly agreed on. There were a million little things we did not agree on. to the point where many people might refer to him as difficult. (Nothing big, just little day-to-day living things). None of that ever bothered me because on the big important things we saw eye to eye.

I just had a conversation with my BFF. My gut is telling me that he truly didn't see a future with my three little kids, and he was setting up a soft place to fall. I don't think it's anything more complicated than that, like a personality disorder. He is a straight arrow in every other respect. Just a coward about not having a woman in his life, maybe.

I'll never have a 100% accurate answer. And he might not even know himself. Eventually I'll stop thinking about it. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 11:19 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

It's not so much the loss of him that has me grieving, although that's part of it. Who I thought he was anyway. But it's my complete lack of faith in myself to know who is a good man and who isn't. I don't want to be alone. I loved being in a relationship. I just can't go through this again and again and again. These are the nightmares of dating that people talk about. I was convinced I found a good man. I felt so lucky. I couldn't believe my luck, in fact. I was so grateful every single day for having met him. And then he does this. I feel pretty hopeless about love right now.

This is so dumb, you guys. It was only 9 months, and yet I'm not sleeping, can't eat (already down 3 lb, and I'm skinny!). I'm unsure of my future. STBX is ever the asshole. I had this thought this morning that I feel like I can't even take care of my kids. That I should just call someone to come and take them so I can curl up & die. WTH?

That is so not dumb. That sounds so normal right after a breakup, especially one with a DDay.

One of the biggest traumas in infidelity is that feeling of being fooled and the difficulty in trusting your own perceptions of anything afterwards. That you are still planning to pursue love and relationships after this dude is a sign of incredible strength. I say that as a woman whose Valentine's Day is going to involve bringing her doggies home some treats and snuggling with them in bed binge-watching something, lol. I am not brave enough to get back out there yet, and there you are, handling your business when you find your boyfriend is a liar. Take time to feel sorry for yourself and grieve, eat some ice cream, get a nice take-out dinner to force yourself to eat, whatever you need.

You can't get angry yet, but I will on your behalf. He was a cowardly douche who hasn't figured out how to be an emotionally mature grown-ass man. You are better than that.

I’m glad I’m wrong. It always worries me when someone seems too good to be true because they usually are to good to be true. This sounds like such a wonderful romance on the surface but when I went back and read what you wrote you were always on guard. I know you say it’s because of what happened to you but he should have been able to calm your fears before now. Think about it. You have only decided to let him meet your children after a very long time. There was something holding you back. You know that book THE GIFT OF FEAR? DeBecker says we almost always ignore our own perceptions. Your perception was that he warned you immediately that he moved on from relationships. He told you the number of relationships he had but he managed to move you right past it all.

I don’t think he is a bad guy. I think he is a bad boyfriend.

We don't usually think of a person as having a mental health diagnosis just because they have a strong perfectionistic streak....ahem

However, what if someone brings that perfectionistic attitude to everything in their life? You mentioned how particular he was about many things. (Which could look like Aspergers, too, I know.)

My SAWH is this way and sadly, I knew all about that early on, but I just accepted that it "came with the territory," as his talents are in mechanical engineering and I respect that (former Air Force jet mechanic and race team engineering). His communication style always has been to zoom straight to any flaw he sees, to argue, critique and just pick things apart. Our first little spat was about that! He even comes out with so-so or negative comments about stuff most people would enjoy. He defends this attitude by saying it's because of his working world where "You realize any little mistake you make could be fatal." Ya, okay, whatever you say, I would think. But for a long time, I'd think "How can I disagree with him, when I'm in a technical life-safety field myself, and I get it? We were both "professional worriers"!

So I missed that clue to a larger problem he has. It turns out that perfectionism is actually a hindrance. People who grew up in homes with critical parents and were expected to meet their high standards in order to be loved tend to adopt the same attitude as adults. It becomes their knee-jerk protective coping mechanism and it goes way deeper than "work training." Took me a long time to see this. But how crazy this attitude gets can be seen by how other areas of their life fail spectacularly, like for example their relationships. We people are just not perfect enough!

It isn't even fun to work with a perfectionist. Books have been written on how to deal with these people as a supervisor. The most popular psychology website labels it "a fast and enduring track to unhappiness." But it's not without it's advantages in survival.

Does any of that sound like it fits him, Bleep? If so, you enjoyed him at his best.