SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BA20,

I cannot seem to find red wine I like. What kind do you recommend?

Womenz, if you ever need a buddy to befriend the monsters and post on their SM, we’re only a PM away

Looking forward to the day I wake up and feel glorious.

TG, that day is coming, I am sure! You are a caring and lovely person, from what I've seen here. God has a plan for you. The waiting is hard, I can imagine - I haven't been alone long enough to really feel that lonely - but I know those days will be in my future too.

This has been my first week with WH being out of the house. I am feeling relief and not lonely - and some hours of peace. BUT I am super triggery and weak.

Already some crap had happened on Sunday when I found out that WH met with FAP at Costco to use her membership discount and get a new TV for his apt. even though they are "not together and just friends" now.

Our 20th anniversary was this Tuesday. I woke up deciding to stay busy and assembled a new dinette table and chairs that I had delivered that day :)

Suddenly at 11:30 am WH stops at the house, comes in the kitchen with flowers,throws his arms around me with loud, shaking sobs, how sorry he is, what a beautiful day it was he will never forget. Kids even poked their heads out of their rooms, they had never heard that sound out of their father (actually nor have I)

I have had so many moments of despair since last DDay Feb 20th but this made me numb. I was quiet and no tears. It caught him off guard and he seemed embarrassed.

turns out he had just come from our stepdaughter's apartment and had finally told her the truth (admitted being unfaithful). I realized then the tears were more for him and and his shame to his daughter than the loss of us.

Later that night he logged out himself from the Life360 locator family circle. It was another stab. That was something that had both been a help and a curse when we were trying R. I had stopped looking at it very often unless I was triggered (sunday) and was preparing to detach from it myself in a few days knowing it is just a source of pain now. But on our anniversary it would have brought me some peace knowing he was at his new empty apartment perhaps even feeling a little miserable. Seriously, let me at least control this process of moving on in my life, Ass! Why did he feel it necessary that day? I texted him how I felt.

Then I was okay the next day. I deleted him from the circle altogether. He even stopped by the next day for some stuff and I was fine. We were cordial and I had no triggers.

Then last night I went in my Instagram to delete a page I had created for my cats. While in there I looked at his page. Saw that he is following FAP (lied about that a few months ago when I hadn't found out yet but suspected her) and saw he has been "liking" every single post she added since last DDay! She had posted some joke about the high rate of divorce and separation during covid being an advantage for singles and he "liked" it! What a POS. Those two POS are made for each other. I wrote a reply "wow, nice to see you like this @(WH'sname)". I wanted both of them to see that I had seen it and my profile still had a pic of us as a couple so wanted homewrecker to see that too.

In my weakness I ended up texting him how the lengths of how obvious he was and public (he is tech stupid) he doesn't get that unless you block someone you can see all their instagram posts (including our kids if they went on his page and saw his followings) And that his selfishness, hurtfulness and his pathetic need to seek her out after she broke it off was beyond my comprehension. How I had posted so many times about what a GREAT HUSBAND in tough times, showing gratitude for anything nice he had done, compliments on special occasions and he wouldn't even "like" them - and then when I would ask if he saw and why didn't he comment he would get mad and say "you know I'm not big on social media" what a needy lying hypocrite.

I am not trying hard to dig anymore, just more sh** keeps popping up very available to me. He's either terrible about covering tracks, or just doesn't care who might see..

Going to call to schedule another consultation for a lawyer. WH keeps saying how he will take care of us but every time I turn around there is some other discovery. I just want the triggers to stop, I just want to get on with my life. I know I need to detach as much as possible for this to happen. he's so two -faced because he's so kind now when he's here so it makes it difficult and I want it to feel normal for the kids..

Sorry for the rant. Roller-coaster week.

I have suspected that Cheaters don’t actually believe in God. If they did, how could they cheat?

20yrsagoBS - I couldn't agree more. You don't cheat because it's the right thing even if you want to. Because you made a covenant before God.

DaisyAnne, Hoping for peace for you this week.

20yrsagoBS

Just saw your post about wine. I like mainly reds because I've talked myself into that they are healthier (less sugar and some health benefits in moderation) Here are a few of my reasonably priced faves, keeping in mind that I like a medium-bodied, dryer wine:

Meomi Pinot Noir about $18

Coppola Cabernet Sauvignon (Claret even better, but a little more $) about $11-14

Robert Mondavi Cabernet Sauvignon Bourbon Barrel about $12 -cheaper is the private collection Cab Sauv - can find sometimes at Walgreens for $8

Trader Joes favorite budget buy! "L'Authentique" perfect easy French red only $6

And for whites/rose - I do enjoy for appetizer or while cooking - and use it for cooking - Lastest faves are

Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc - about $15

Joel Gott Sauvignon Blanc - about $13

Bertrand "Cote de Roses", a little more about $18 but has a beautiful bottle with a glass stopper that I use for mouthwash in the bathroom (pinterest idea)

have found that if I'm in a hurry or on a budget any of the Chateau St. Michelle wines are pretty good, all range from $10-16 I like their Chardonnay and Cabernet Sauv.

Let me know if you try/like any of these!

I am having a very hard time connecting with my children.

My DS who still lives with STBX WH dropped in yesterday to collect my car. His is being repaired.

I love him dearly but I can’t feel any emotion. I feel empty. He hugged and kissed me but I felt very distant from him.

We had a disastrous Mother’s Day earlier in the month and I asked both my sons to leave.

I feel awful about that day.

I cook large batches of some of our favourite food and will message them. If they don’t collect I drop some over to them. I am struggling to be the caring connected Mother I once was.

It’s awful but I feel betrayed by all of my children especially the middle son who got dragged into being an accomplice to his Father’s A but just didn’t know how to tell me.

I am having great difficulty trusting anyone close to me.

Thank you for the wine recommendations!

I will get some tomorrow

LadyG,

If you changed as a result of the A, please give yourself time to heal. Grief affects each of us differently

Hey Womenz! Hope you're all doing ok! I am apparently struggling!

I have to say - I am sick of this "distance learning". I'm not a teacher, never wanted to be one, am a really shitty one at home! Just had an epic blow out with my grade 8 kid. He flat out refused to do anything at all. At first I tried bribery, didn't work. Then I went straight to taking away stuff, didn't work. I just packed up the xbox while he's outside playing basketball in the driveway. I don't even know who I'm more angry at him or the school board for thinking this is a blanket solution! I know it's the best we've got but....it's crazy making. And, really I'm not slamming teachers in anyway. I'd rather put pins in my eyes than do their job, even (or especially) with my own kids.

Yesterday at work I got bounced around between two departments that are having a pissing contest with each other but I'm the one that has to deal with outside referrals, ended up telling them they had to go somewhere else! More crazy making.

My H has been snoring like crazy because he's been drinking more - problem 1. Problem 2 - becomes more argumentative and passive aggressive when drinking more, which drives me batshit crazy. I feel like I now can not enjoy a couple glasses of wine (white in this house, sorry no red recommendations) because he can't drink like a normal person! I don't even like him, never mind love him when he's like that. I want to throat punch him and kick him to the curb. Then I start ruminating about whether or not I made the right choice in offering R.

Also, got an email from middle daughters dance studio 2 weeks ago that her hoodie was ready. I forgot to go pick up, emailed yesterday, was told come by today. Get there (25 minutes across the city), to be told it hadn't shipped yet! WTF? You emailed me two weeks ago. That prompted a not very nice email. All of this so not like my "normal".

Tried to have discussion about situation in Minneapolis with oldest daughter because her friend (half Asian) called daughter and others in her group out for NOT posting something on SM to support Black Lives Matter. That went sideways quickly. At least today we talked and figured out what she was actually trying to say - she really doesn't articulate very well apparently! Ugh.

I want to run away - ALONE.

So, how's everyone else doing?

Life is crazy, more crazier now, than post DDAY

My youngest child resides in USA with SIL.

Both plus 4 other family tested positive for Coronavirus last week... if I wasn’t already a concerned Mummy, riots, protests heated up in DC too. Ok. They are isolated anyway and can’t go to work for a little while longer. But anxiety for her safety kept me up all night.

Youngest son is watching YouTube videos of the mayhem of looting, violence and destruction in DC. He calls concerned for his Baby sister. Nothing I can do. International flights closed.

My dear SIL is amazing and I trust him to keep them safe.

DD is being bombarded by family messages while not feeling well with ache and pains.

WH is driving us all crazy.

So STBXWH Is dropping over soon, so we can try to Skype with our Daughter. WH wants to play concerned daddy today.

I have a nice glass of Red (it’s winter here) breathing by my side. I need to mellow out before we chat.

He never quite got the hang of Skype.

WH and AP used other more simple Apps to chat late at night, while I slept unawares...

All I need now is for eldest son to call for something stressful 🙏🏼

Ugh LadyG, your WH playing doting father sounds like my WH

Maybe mine truly is doting, but my glasses are dirtied from all the lies and cheating. It’s tough to see past it

Before finding SI, I started writing again in my own journal. I vented, ranted and raged about everything. The injustice of life in general but especially about the betrayal of infidelity. My WH wanted to read some of my journal. Nothing that I haven’t already addressed with him.

So today he received my final gift, a copy of Out of the Doghouse: A Step-By-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating. I have told him repeatedly that whatever he does in his future relationships, to never ever do what he had done to another living soul. He cannot undo the things he’s done to me and our family. An excerpt from my journal.

I have learned so much from SI 🙏🏼

What makes him think that he is entitled...

Who the fuck do men think they are?

Who gave them the right to think they are entitled to punish others, especially Women

Why? What makes a man feel so fucking superior that if his wife errs he feels wronged and hard done by that he has a sense of entitlement to punish her...

What fucking crime have I committed to be sentenced by him of all people... he carries with him this hatred and anger and vengefulness that he has been wronged and therefore she must be punished.

inflicting pain and suffering onto her for all eternity... who the fuck does he think he is... controlling my life... whether I live or die as I please has never been a option for me... it’s a fucking luxury!

I thought I had made my intentions very clear... I did my time... I gave him 30 fucking plus years to use and abuse me for his own happiness and pleasure... I fucking gave him that sense of entitlement and superiority... fuck that shit...

I show him kindness and compassion in return for his vile evil hatred of my entire being... I will show him that kindness and compassion are far greater and far more effective than pain and punishment... even if it caused me more suffering...

I feel that showing kindness and compassion will ease my suffering

Being vengeful and hell bent on revenge has caused more pain and suffering than he will ever know... I want to teach him and my children that this is not the correct way to end your own suffering... making someone else suffer never leads to less pain. If one is empty?

Friday April 10, 2020 8:30am

Hey Womenz!!!

It's been a minute. I took an SI break as I was weaning off of ADs. It wasn't intentional, but as I was weaning off, the pain of SI hit me like a truck all over again. I've been coming back slowly. And backing away when I need.

I've only been on the ADs for a year - and they were a wonderful lifeline. But it was never my intention to make them a long term thing [no judgement on anyone else's journey].

So...I'm slowly coming back. If you are new here - I can't wait to get to know you. If you've reached out via PM - so many thanks. If you thought of me during the weekend toastz - much love [I hope they are still a thing].

The Land of Chaos is humming along. Teen child heading into Senior Year of High School [oh the joys of teleschool]. WH is being remorseful and hearing me [while dealing with his own "survivors guilt" - he has a few buddies heading for D after their BS found out about A's - it epidemic]. And looking forward to my OBX vacation this summer.

I've missed you.

Welcome back Chaos!

I have missed your posts!

I visited a dear friend in Denver last weekend, who recently had a DDay#2

I ripped into her WS several times, it felt great! He’s an idiot, she’s amazing!

Back home now, awaiting the inevitable revisiting of WH’s endless “poor me” sniveling about how NOW he realizes what a deplorable partner he was.

Hi Chaos and all the lovely Womenz,

Weaning of meds is hard at the best of times.

Actually WH was more terrified of the med rose tinted glasses coming off than I was. I knew what was coming.

It actually feels great to feel again. Even the pain is comforting. It’s slowly getting better and hopefully for the best.

I feel positive about healing. 🙏🏼

I still occasionally go pain shopping for other reasons but it is no longer about HIM.

Yes Lady G. The weaning process was much harder than anticipated. I was on a very low dose, and only for 1 year. But the feeling flooded back. And it was hard. And I resented my situation all the more. It made me go on the meds and suffer through coming off. I expected some symptoms [messing with sleep, etc.]. I expected the return of feelings to process. But I didn't expect a flash flood of emotion. I thought I had done my homework.

I also didn't expect such a renewed hatred of that Donut Whore of an AP. And an obsession almost of wanting to make sure she's still under her rock. I have to sit with and process that. The anger wave towards the DW is unexpected. At least the intensity of it is.

But the worst is over. And once again I come out stronger. I'm the strongest mf'er on the planet at this point.

Welcome back Chaos!!

So glad to see you back here.

Hugs.

Welcome back, Chaos!!!

How did everyone do on Father’s Day? I had mixed emotions throughout the day. . Don’t get me wrong, he is an amazing father and loves our children immensely. However I still think about how he chose to be with a psycho instead of them in those moments. That he almost ruined (or the very least changes) their stable family life. I realize he was messed up and wasn’t thinking of it in that way. I think it’s just something I will never understand.

Oh Chaos, the DW nickname made me laugh.

If I shared the lovely names I have come up with for exAP, we’d have our own new Urban Dictionary.

Today, while I was cleaning off my WH YouTube watch history, I came across a music video he had watched about a year ago.

I wasn’t looking for it, but AP sent him a link to a song titled “You don’t know how to be a Man”

Obviously not getting her way... what a narcissistic lowlife the exAP is...

Fathers Day - we did OK.

Cooked breakfast, cookout stuff, nice day all around.

I focus on the fact that [A aside] he is a good and loving father.

LadyG - The DW earned that nickname. One of the many photos my teen had to send me on DDay1 was a close up of her boob with a drugstore donut on it. A cheap drugstore "birthday cake" flavored donut. Must have been WH BD. So I call her the Donut Whore. I actually had to inform OBS (once I told and sent everything I had) that yes - it indeed was a fucking donut on her fucking boob that she sent to my fucking husband. Haven't eaten a fucking donut since. I am glad it made you laugh. It has its own cult following with some on SI.

My sister and I have different dads and both of them suck. Neither of us have relationships with our fathers. So we spent the day forwarding each other sappy memes about how great dads are and rewriting them for our shitbags.

Things are good in EllieLand. I start back to working in the office part-time next week. I am transitioning to work in one of our remote offices that is 15 minutes from my house instead of an hour (on a good day) so that's cool. Much as I am not a fan of humans, i am kinda looking forward to having more human interaction. But sucks that I will have to start wearing a bra and real clothes again

How's everybody doing? Feels like womenz has been way too quiet lately.

Much as I am not a fan of humans, i am kinda looking forward to having more human interaction. But sucks that I will have to start wearing a bra and real clothes again

OMG - I think I peed a little cuz I laughed so hard when I read this! And I love the idea of parodying the "great dad" shit on father's day.

I was out of town to spend it with my dad, and it was good. It's weird bc my dad was a royal Arsehole (note the capitol "A" ) while growing up (and still is a jerk to his wife, who's awesome), but he's been very good to me for several years and has been wonderful since dday. I truly feel his love for me and I am grateful for that.

WH was home and made dinner for DD who then proceeded to break the covid boundaries by canoodling with her ahole BF. So, she's out of the house...... speaking of DD......

I never posted about this - guess it was just too much - but DD attempted suicide in early May. Jumped out a window. Relatively minor physical injuries (tho still in a brace on one hand and will probably have back issues for ever due to injury + family history). Her asshat BF didn't bother to call us after it happened or any time during her 10 day hospital stay (tho we did hear from her former BF who is a good egg). We sent her for some specialized suicide therapy for 2 weeks - and the 1st day home she's back to her old stunts (had BF over at 2-3am, then started canoodling and went to his apt, presumably for sex) so can't come home until she's tested and quarantines while waiting for the results (which means I dunno if she'll ever be back). It's so fucking hard some days. I'm just plain old depressed. Can't seem to motivate to do anything.

My job is pretty much over, but not a lot of hope for finding something in the midst of Covid. So, doing what I can to just enjoy what I have today.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 3:27 PM, June 23rd, 2020 (Tuesday)]

(((gmc)))

I am so sorry about your DD honey Sadly she is making her choices and there's not much you can do about it except for hope that she hits bottom fast enough to turn herself around. That's so hard.