SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks chaos. I needed that laugh.

I feel like a drug addict. Hell, I haven’t seen him in like 40 days. My pain and anger kept me away from him. Now, I find myself wanting to get back with him .... which I’m dreaming a fantasy. I didn’t expect to feel this way at this point. It’s knocked me off balance.

Yes, I did a private celebration for myself this morning by acknowledging I made it through. I need to keep doing that.

What’s the reality? When I start celebrating myself I’ll be less drawn to men who can’t offer a full committed relationship. When I respect myself first (no matter how hard it is) I’ll be less interested in men who don’t respect me. Self confidence will stop me being attracted to men who want to stick their dicks in married women.

Dam Ellie .... I love your translation post. Kicking ass and fist pumping. 👊

AmI, what would be the point of going out of your way to see her? What are you hoping to accomplish?

Absolutely 100% unhealthy curiosity. I've only seen her Facebook profile picture. I want to see her "in real life."

Honestly, even if I DO go up this weekend, I probably won't stop there. I'll have my 5 year old, so I'd have to bring him in with me. The chances of her recognizing me by myself are slim, but the two of us together makes it likely.

Glad you like it LH... Seriously cheaters are like broken fucking records, the lot of them. Same whiny punkass bullshit.

I find it easier to be irritated and angry at other's cheaters than my own, so it is good for me to read other peoples responses and "see" my ex douche in there too.

You doin better today LH? And I will second Chaos - badass that you resisted going off NC. You are recognizing the hopium for what it is. That is huge!

How's everybody else? I had a good one - I whooped the shit outta my work today so feeling very accomplished-ish

I think OW hating is healthy and totally okay. I do not want the cOWhore to die, but I think she is a shitty human being who aggressively pursued my stupid, weak, immature coward of a husband. Was he 100% to blame for letting her in? Yes. Is she still 100% to blame for her part? Yes! Now if she were to apologize to me, or even have even courage to say 1 word to me? I might pray for her soul to not go straight to hell where it deserves. But she's a coward who fucks other people's husbands. I know mine wasn't the first she fucked around with, and I doubt he'll be the last.

LH - Keep up the good work. It's never easy to detach from someone but the longer the NC keeps up the easier it will get!

Ellie - I LOVE your post. My personal favorite is FOAD. It's a whole word. I can use it in every day conversation. As in "I think the cOWhore can FOAD today."

I actually had a really good day yesterday. Had a weird epiphany on Sunday night. I am so caught up in wanting a good "story", that my husband ruined by cheating. As in "I will never be loved by my husband for my whole life in the way I deserve""We've been in love since we were 19." That is all gone. And I hate it. I'm a romantic. I've been trying to figure out how to rewrite my narrative to make it okay. But the thing is...I can't. I really need to scrap the old marriage. Make a new one. Make a new story. If there is any hope at all. Meaning we have to start over from scratch. I told WH this on Monday morning as we went on a hike by the lake. That we needed to have a first date, a first time holding hands, a first time that we kiss. All like it is happening for the first time. Slowly, and when it feels right. Not because we have history. Not because we are married. But because it feels right. So we spent the entire day together and I told him he could hold my hand towards the end of it. And for the first time it didn't feel awful and I didn't think of her. So that's our new plan. He called me this morning and asked me on a date. He hasn't planned a date that's not on a special occasion (bday, anniversary, valentine's) in ages - and probably a handful of times in the 22 years we have been together. It may be another 6 months til he gets lucky, but at least if that happens, it will be because I want to be there with him.

Hope you all are having a GFD! (Great Fucking Day!)

Thanks ladies. Appreciate the support. Today is another ...I want to call him....but hanging in tough. I just keep reminding myself....calling him will not magically make me feel “better”.

I have so much anxiety over everything....the reality of HAVING to end a relationship I don’t want to end because in 40 days mr joker hasn’t even lifted a finger to make things better. In fact, the asshole has some of my belongings and promised to contact me to get them back. Never mind he wants to talk in person to do whatever bullshit cheaters do.

He has completely disappeared....can you hear the crickets? I’ve been ghosted by cheater. I’m guessing he’s too much of a coward to face me, because I ask hard questions and don’t fall for the crap. But hey, maybe I’m wrong....trying not to jump to conclusions.

Realizing that other fucking woman is low class to our sisterhood ... who I personally think is the most boring average looking woman. Geese I thought guys have affairs with good looking woman ..... not THE most meh....why bother? Even my good friends who are very blunt and tell me as it is ..... they were like “she’s ugly boring”. But hey mr joker needed a vaja and she’s got one.

The hardest part....I wanted to travel to some conventions with him. Instead this fucker did sight seeing with her. How much? Not sure. But I would have killed for the bit he did with her. Breaks my heart.

I’m so mad and sad that I create my own anxiety. Then I hope if I reach out, he’ll make me feel better. Then I can some how find comfort. That’s never going to happen. I have to find it for myself. I’m tired of being strong.

Oh dear god .... sorry ladies I’m all over the place. I’m a rambling BGF. Bipolar monkey brain.

I did go kickboxing today and specifically kneed the imaginary groin region of mr joker. That felt really good.

Ellie that translation list ....I have been already hit with some of them, they truly are broken records. It’s weird ... so good at hiding and lying yet when the shit hits the fan....it’s all the same bullshit. What’s the deal with that?

WS should have to wear T-shirt’s with their “line” on it.

TX .... congrats on an amazing mind shift. What you are doing is amazing. I’ve been studying a class on changing our filters, conclusions and strategies.....you did that. It’s huge. 👊❤️

Thanks for reading.

Lostheart - please vent away! We're here for the ups and downs right? Don't call him. He doesn't deserve you. *hugs*

LH I get it for sure. And you hit the nail on the head - you want to contact him so he can say the magic word or words to 'erase' all of it, but you KNOW that will not happen. And let me tell you about hopium... I snorted it, smoked it, bathed in it for 9 months past dday 1 waiting for him to say the 'thing' that would make it all better. But there is not one fucking thing a cheating asshat douchehole can say that explains/rationalizes/improves wtf they did. JSNTH - just say no to hopium.

It is SO hard, but you got this. I am 77 days since he left today. Still having hard days, but I will actually go for an hour or two here and there when it isn't the foremost thought in my head. Sending you so many hugs! Stay strong!!

TX I love your plan. And yes, make him work for the prize that you are. And promise me that if his actions aren't backing it up you will re-evaluate... You may not have been able to control the cheaty chapters, but you damn well can decide from here how your story goes and what characters get to be in it.

So my OW did apologize to me more than once and promised to reach out and tell me if he ever contacts her again. I don't really believe that but her apology seemed sincere. Maybe that is another reason I am not really mad at her per say.

Anyways, I am also trying to figure out why spouses cheat with an ugly person. It makes no sense what so ever. My husband is 43, I am 35 (36 in less than a month) and he cheated on me with a 58 year old lady. I mean I've seen pictures and it is wrinkles and gray hair and everything. She is so ugly.

Not sure where that came from! but I guess it was on my chest

LostHeart, we've all been there. I've never done any drugs, but I agree, I imagine the feelings when first going NC are what a drug addict would feel like in withdrawal. All I can say is don't set yourself back to square one by contacting him. Just like any habit, the longer you go, the easier it is. And the more satisfying to see how many days you have under your belt.

Think of it like getting your sobriety chip - Hello, my name is HeHadADoubleLife, and I am a douchebag-aholic. I am currently 334 days douchebag free!

Speaking of douchebags, I am nominating my XH for the KITD Award this week!

While complaining to me about our taxes, and my having not given him my address so he can file divorce papers because I was still working on getting a PO Box sorted, Methhead McSex Addict, the man child who literally set it up so that I would walk into our bedroom while he was sleeping naked in OUR bed with the OW because me taking care of his children meant I didn't love him anymore and actually sitting down to have a conversation about it was just way too hard for him, texted me:

**Drum roll please**

"Please, let's be adult about this!"

In other news, got my P.O. Box set up today - finally had a day when I wasn't traveling or had work hours that interfered with their work hours and I got it all done. So he can stop badgering me.

Also, filed my taxes since today was the last day on my extension and got two surprises:

1. I was able to file a waiver for the fee for having to pay late because of "extenuating circumstances" i.e. being kicked out of my own house unexpectedly

2. I got a significant break by writing off all of those AirBnBs and hotel stays that I had to use instead of staying at the apartment where he brought her.

I can't say infidelity never gave me anything!

[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 8:14 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

Ladies ...you are so helping me. You have no idea.

Thanks AMI. I appreciate reading he doesn’t deserve me. There are things I need to remind myself of. Thank good for all the male BS on this forum. Gives me faith I can find a nice guy out there....who does deserve a nice lady.

Ellie...thanks for the hopium talk. I’ve been struggling with the conflict of my values. If I stay with him, I’ll dishonor myself as I highly value clarity and exclusivity. Yet, I keep hoping that some magical word he will say will change things. There’s not. I don’t believe much of what he says. I don’t want to live my life monitoring him (or anyone for that matter). I can’t handle the stress of watching a phone, poking in drawers or having to trust him at each convention he goes to (hell he could have more than one woman). He’s just not worth it. Coming off hopium is hard. Good to know I’m not alone.

Heartbroken...yeah, what is it with ugly? I don’t know what’s worse ....being chosen over ugly or beautiful. I’ve seen pictures of WBF ex girlfriends and the MOW is butt ass ugly compared to all of us. They are fucking ugly ... or fugly for short. Plus ick...why is a 58 yr old woman going after a 43 yr man. Just plan old ick.

HEHAD .... thanks for support. Well I made it through today w NC. Knuckle ride ...but completed. Lol ....I am a douchebag-aholic. I thought I kicked the habit with ex husband 9 years ago. Oh well...back to douchbag anonymous. Hey, you’ll be happy to hear ....”you are being an adult.” WOW, where do these asshole come up with this stuff?

Truly ladies...I admire your strength. I can’t believe how much you all have been through. And your still here with humor and compassion for me. ❤️

[This message edited by Lostheart8 at 9:58 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

LH, stay strong! You can do this. Is there anyone else you can call when the urge hits you? Or, something else you could do instead? One of the tricks o used when I was quitting smoking was to have a cup of tea every time I wanted a cigarette.

TX, I love your plan!

Absolutely, my fch is 100% responsible for what he did. He should've shut the MOW down at the first sign of inappropriateness. Her pursuing him is in now way an excuse for anything he did. That is all on him.

I got an apology from the MOW. I appreciated it for a second. Then, I started questioning it. I really think she did it to protect herself. I think she thought if she apologized, I wouldn't tell her BH. She had the nerve to beg me to think of her daughter. My response was, "Like how you thought of my kids?"

Oh, an interesting aside to my gym story, we moved away for 2 years. When we came back, everyone we knew from that time was divorced. One guy was even already engaged to someone else and got married just a few months after we moved here.

My day was lazy. I took my boys to school. Drank my coffee, watched some TWD, and worked on the gloves for knitting for my 12yo. I did my Beachbody workout. Took a nap. Went to yoga.

On the acronyms, I can't believe we forgot Captain Save A Ho!!! Soooo much better than KISA. Thanks northeasternarea for that one!

I laughed today because I caught myself about to use one of our fun little phrases in every day conversation, then I realized that no one IRL is going to get it.

Also putting it in alphabetical order for easier reference.

BW acronyms:

CSAH - Captain Save A Ho

D2DW - Dollars to Donut Whores

DA - Douchebags Anonymous

ESAD - Eat Shit And Die

FOAD - Fuck Off And Die

GFD - Great Fucking Day

KITD - Kick in the Dick (actual, metaphorical, or spiritual)

RA+ - Rashawnda Approved

S+BB - Sparkles and Bitch Boots

Anyone heard from BBE? Just want to make sure she's ok since her X got out.

I’ve not browsed this forum before but damn you all create some humour to this unfair crazy betrayal we have endured. I love it!

It sounds like many of you are separated or divorced? Perhaps some still trying to reconcile. What a load of crap we have been given to deal with. I am in limbo but daydream of separating often. I certainly have had a habit of rugsweeping which I am trying my hardest to stop! I also have an addiction to hopium, love...or hoping for love in the wrong place, the place that has repetitively taught me I won’t find it.

Your chat on the OW, I initially was angry at the OW too but then felt bad for them. I felt bad that they were victimized by my SA husband and that he was telling them all the same BS to get in their pants or simply just have them stroke his ego. I contacted 4 OW about their EA or PA. 2 of them claimed to be suicidal which made it hard to pursue. My WH has also used emotional manipulation claiming to be suicidal after being caught! So I saw them as ‘sick’ as he is. One of the OW was a raging bitch in denial so she also illustrated another side of my WH-denial, blame shifting, etc. The other one met with me, offers me coffee in her home. Admitted to sleeping with my husband in her house, our house, at a hotel. But they were never going to leave their married partners, it was just sex. I voice recorded our whole conversation with my cell in my bra. I remained calm (also was in shock) purely to obtain some truths as I was suffering TT hell with my WH. She was an acquaintance and we often chatted at swimming while both our children were in lessons. She did this while sleeping with my husband. One of these suicidal women was my own cousin, they had an online Instagram ego stroking with sexual intent relationship.

Wow what a crazy flippin year I have had! I hate the OW, all of them, but I also feel bad for their pathetic unethical nature. I feel the same way about my WH but he has the habit of love bombing and manipulating me, even changing just enough to give me hope. But it is never long enough to make me feel that R is really possible.

Hey there Somber! Welcome to the Womenz Thread. Few things - brush up on our new Urban Dictionary of Acronyms, we say FUCK a fucking lot, and [this is important and can't be stressed enough] do NOT drink anything when reading the Womenz thread. Many a keyboard has been ruined from spewing said drink while laughing.

I'm Chaos. A BASGU [bad ass sparkly goddess unicorn] who's middle aged, tall(ish), looks like a Barbie Doll and built like Marilyn. I like make up, sparkly things and don't believe in ugly undies.

I am working on R with my WH who had a 4.5 LTA with a Donut Whore [she sexted him a photo of a freaking donut on her boob]. I have a teen [who discovered the A] and adult daughters. I'm fucking awesome.

Have a GFD my Womenz.

I'm going to start all my texts to my fch with, CSAH! He fell for the MOW's son story about her alcoholic, mentally deranged, abusive H, who just happened to be a police officer.

Chaos, you are hilarious!

Welcome, somber. We have fun here.

My fch and I are reconciled. But, I am struggling with whether or not I like the person he has become enough as a result of his self-"improvement" to stay married to him.

This bummed me out and I guess triggered the shit out of me:

I am 35 (36 in less than a month) and he cheated on me with a 58 year old lady. I mean I've seen pictures and it is wrinkles and gray hair and everything. She is so ugly.

I'm in my late 40s. I am older than my WH - by almost 9 years. His AP was younger than him by about the same margin. This AP talked about me pretty much in the same way. In fact she basically spent 2 years "convincing" my WH that he should be concerned about my age - because although I don't have gray hair (and no hair dye - gray just hasn't happened yet) and I'm not "wrinkly" it's coming - just like for you. I was 36 not that long ago myself and simply hadn't accepted that it's coming. Well, she did a pretty good job of it as before the A (before we were M actually) I was the one that was convinced my age was a problem - and he was the one that reassured me it was not. Now - now it's a future problem - one he had never thought about much before but it's on his mind all the time according to him. I will get old and wrinkly, and as you put it "ugly" before him. And it's likely true - granted my genetics being as they are it seems I will get to look more youthful for longer than most but that's irrelevant.

I'm NOT defending the AP in this scenario, but, I would like to think that being all about looks is pretty shallow. I would like to think that I loved my WH not because of what he looked like but because of who he was - and I would have liked to think he felt the same about me. I'm also guessing that most waywards who get themselves involved in things that are more than just picking out a hooker they find attractive, are still people, and whatever drew them to the AP (and their spouse and everyone else they have ever dated long term) is likely not looks.

The fact is that looking at a photo means nothing - and as I have pointed out to my WH more times than I care to admit - it's what is on the inside that matters, and you don't need to look at a photo to determine that the AP is ugly, because their actions have already established that.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 7:54 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]

Somber, I empathize. I spoke to a drug addicted prostitute that my XWH had spent a lot of time with for 2 1/2 hours. I don't hate her. Her life is nothing I would want anything to do with. She is in her own hell. Found out a local dentist likes to rape and hurt her, so that's awesome. It tore me to shreds that he cheated on me period and I hate him for cheating on me with young beautiful women and I DESPISE him for what I consider contributing to the misery in the world for sleeping with these women. For all I know, half of them are dead now from drug overdoses, who knows? Odds are good that they won't look as good as I do at 46 if they do survive their 20s. They are pitiable creatures.

Every bit of my anger is directed at him. Every ounce of it.

I get you, ThisIsSoLonely. I think it's all perspective. When I was in my 20s, I'd have been outraged if my husband had cheated with a woman who looks like me. I'm not unattractive and it's fair to say that I look really good for my age, but I was kind of a hottie in my 20s. If my XWH had cheated on me with women 20 years older than me instead of younger, I'd be outraged. If, when I'm in my 60s, I get cheated on with a woman who looks like I do now, I'd be hurt and pissed about that too. Looks definitely aren't the most important thing about a person and we all age, if we're lucky. It just sucks being a woman and dealing with this shit sometimes. I mean, WTF, so many men with pot bellies, wrinkles, male-pattern baldness and saggy balls think that they deserve young women with firm boobs and fresh faces. They worry about us aging while they deteriorate right alongside us. It's like we're here merely for some men's pleasure. Like we're just things that should be discarded at a certain point because we are aging like normal fucking human beings, like they themselves are.

Yes, a young male hard body is nicer than an older aging one. A young firm female body is nicer than an older aging one. That just IS. How pathetic is it for an older person to be just chasing young flesh all the time, though? That's childish and immature and looks utterly ridiculous. It also reduces us to things and not actual people. As I know I've mentioned (kinda bragged, I'm sure ), I had a ONS with a 26-year-old hottie last year. I would not date him. Ever. I would not spend my time chasing his kind. It was great, but when it comes to a person I'd want to spend my life with, I want maturity. Bring me your wrinkles and saggy balls and mind that I can relate to. I'm down for that.

Thanks for the welcome girls. The humour undertones and acronyms make me smile during this tornado of emotions and marriage. Lol

Ddee, wow just wow sometimes right! The things we have endured, just so painful. Must be glad to be away from

All that!

I thought since my WH was lying so much I would find truths from his affair partners but really can they be trusted either?

I did find some truths but I also found selfish insecure desperate women craving attention with piss poor boundaries. With that, I took the affair less personal. Initially I thought I wasn’t good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, fun enough, sexual enough....that list can go on and on!! But none of that is true, it’s just how I responded to his affairs but he is broken and that isn’t a reflection on me (nor any of us).

Thisissolonely,

you don't need to look at a photo to determine that the AP is ugly, because their actions have already established that.

Yes to this!! I was comparing myself physically to them, one 20 years younger than me! The comparison isn’t in looks, it is in their actions. They have nothing on us that way!

My WH reminds me that I am attractive only when I am heading out with friends without him, in a jealous way, so

Stupid! We can’t let their choice define us in beauty or any other way!!

Then this

Bring me your wrinkles and saggy balls and mind that I can relate to. I'm down for that.

Lmao 😂 my goodness so true though!!

[This message edited by Somber at 8:59 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]