SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorrowfrost the the song!

BBE, have a fun night.

We had another MC session yesterday. This time, my fch played my dad and I played me as a child. There was a lot of laughter.

What we came away with is that I need interaction and conversation. My fch said he knew I wanted him to talk to me. I've been telling him that for years. He didn't understand what I meant until yesterday. He said he finally processed it and thinks he gets it now.

Before, he thought I wanted him to talk about specific things that he either can't or doesn't want to talk about, specifically work. Now, he realizes I just want him to talk. The subject matter isn't important. SMH! Was it really that difficult to understand that?

I've always asked him to tell me about his day, his thoughts, ideas, feelings, experiences, opinions. I'm at a loss.

I don't think we will continue to see this counselor. Our insurance hasn't reimbursed us yet and she's expensive! I did find my old counselor from when I first found out about his cheating. She saw us together regularly. I sent her an email. Hopefully, we can start seeing her again.

Hi ladies👋👋👋

I love the song....omg thank you sorrow fest.

I had a really good day yesterday. Today ...no good.

I checked OW IG account and she’s coming to NY to visit friends. My brain went wild. Then she’s off to convention where WBF will be at Halloween. I bet a million bucks there will be some fun going on.

Why do I even care? Man the jealousy is bad. Then monkey brain kicks in and I’m all other the place.

I’m proud of myself ..... 40 days of NC. I won’t lie. I’ve been close to reaching out. But my stubborn side kicks in. Fuck you, asshole. You don’t deserve me.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Coco ...interesting role playing. What did you learn from it? I’m curious because my WBF triggers my dad issues.

Anybody doing anything interesting Saturday night? I’m sitting here watching Indiana Jones...nice on the eyes, fun plot, no bad romance ending and humor. Add in a glass of whiskey....my dog...a quiet evening alone.

Coco ...interesting role playing. What did you learn from it?

I didn't learn anything from it. I don't have daddy issues. Most of my memories of my dad are good. I know the way my fch thinks, so his responses didn't really surprise me. I hope my fch did. He said he did. We shall see.

We had a good talk today. I asked some questions about his cheating that came up from our discussions on here. I got answers that satisfied me. I now completely believe him about his thinking WRT the sex.

I told him what I need from him that I think is lacking. Basically, I need him to tell me about his process and progress. He's still doing things internally, not sharing any of it with me, and expecting me to just know that everything is good. I explained how that doesn't work for me because it appears to be the same as before. I think he will try more.

I honestly don't know if he's capable. I texted him several days ago that I wanted to talk. He read my text but didn't respond. I finally asked if he read it. He said he had. I asked why he didn't say anything. He said he figured I would tell him when it was time to talk.

I texted him today saying that I wanted to find time to talk today. He responded with "make" time and agreed. I got home. We chatted a little. I went upstairs to our bedroom. Nothing. After at least an hour, I asked him if he was going to come talk to me. He said he didn't realize I was waiting for him and he'd be up in a minite. Maybe 30 minutes to an hour later he still hadn't come upstairs. I called him again. He finally came up and asked me about the cable bill. Then, just laid down. Didn't say another word. He was just waiting for me to start. No acknowledgement that he was ready to talk. Oh, and I had asked him to bring up my notebook when he came. He brought it up but didn't tell me he had and didn't give it to me.

WTH?! That's not normal, is it?

He swears he wasn't trying to avoid anything. Seems pretty avoidant to me.

I didn't do anything special tonight. The 15yo went to the Homecoming dance. My fch was the hall monitor from 9:45-11:15. Busy day tomorrow with yoga and football.

C+5N - that sounds so much like my xwh. Just fucking oblivious to everything but their own dumbass selves. Ugh.

Kinda meh weekend. I unfriended and blocked douchehole and all of his sluts that I know of, but happened upon something he posted to skanklet's fb about how 'your new life will cost you your old one'.... Just pissed me the FUCK off. I hope they do get together so she can give him ALL the fucking STDs she has in her slutty nasty vag and he can ruin her life. Fuck them both. Just struggling with the thought of that little shitty diseased slut feeling like she has any right to any of this.

I wish the law wasn't a thing so I could go and beat the snot out of her. Sigh. I wish eternal sunshine of the spotless mind was real and I could just delete the fucker. Sigh sigh.

Yeah, I've moved from sad grief stage to enraged grief stage.

He swears he wasn't trying to avoid anything. Seems pretty avoidant to me.

That is pretty much the definition of avoidance.

I wish the law wasn't a thing so I could go and beat the snot out of her. Sigh. I wish eternal sunshine of the spotless mind was real and I could just delete the fucker. Sigh sigh.

Yes, yes, yes!!! I'm right with ya, sista!

Friday night was awful. Saturday was amazing. Hello, rollercoaster!

Friday we got into it again about keeping the GPS on his phone. He says he understands on the weekends when he's out, but he hates the fact that I can see his every move every second. Like I have the time to keep checking my phone for his location 24/7. I think he hates the feeling like I have this control over him. He told me I can just remind him to put it on every time he's out besides being at work. Yeah, not happening. I told him it makes me think he has something to hide. He says he understands that and will now keep it on until I gain his trust back. Meanwhile, I am crying and look a mess while our kids have their friends over downstairs. I gather myself together and we all go out for dinner. I tried to be happy and be in the moment. The faking it is one of the hardest parts.

Then I collapse and cry at night again while we are in bed. We have a good talk about OW (Psycho). I told him how much I hate her and I actually wouldn't care if she dies. I think he was kind of surprised by that because I am such a loving, quiet person. Obviously he knows I don't like her and hate what she has done to us, but he didn't realize my true hatred for her. He told me that I should not focus on her, not to give her that power, and just focus on our future together. Not to forget the past and what he did, but not to let it consume me. Easier said than done, and it will take a long time. But I hope to get there.

Yesterday we had a great family day. We took our girls, their best friends, and our dog to the city. Brewery, brunch, and then walking around the city and parks. When we got home, we just enjoyed our beers and watched baseball on the couch. Today we will enjoy more beer, I'm making football snacks and we will watch football.

[This message edited by DaisyAnne at 7:35 AM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Friday was a disaster. Husband thought it was ok to ignore me for 8 hours because he was done with our conversation. When he got home I was not there, which is not normal. I drove my kids to their dad's hours and didn't get home till after 9. He never called to check up on me and see where I was. He doesn't worry about me? I hate that he can just shut down and not care about anything when he is mad. I wish I could do the same thing.

Anyway, my 17 year old was home when we got into a huge argument. I mean, yelling, screaming, stomping. it was bad, we usually don't do this at all but I guess it shows he cares some. He took off after a bit and my 17 year old came up to check in on me. She now knows about the affair and I don't know what to do. She wanted to leave the house before he got back. She was grounded so I wasn't sure but I let her go anyway. She stayed with a friend. She is a strong young lady but I am worried about her. We have been through a lot through the years. I keep asking her if she is okay with what she knows and she keeps saying yes. But I feel so helpless, she should not have to deal with this. What do I do???

Thanks for sharing coco. I have the same experience with my WBF. I’m humbled. I didn’t get what was going on. Ugh....as I learn more ..... I hate to admit ... I need to run for the hills. I fucking hate reality.

I’m thinking WS shouldn’t have the right to the complete fantasy. Why can’t we rewrite things? Why are we stuck with hard reality? Can’t help myself help....fuck, fuck, fuck!

With ya, Ellie. A good slapping would help a lot with my anger.

Big hugs daisy. ❤️

Heart broken.....my dad cheated on my mom when I was 17. It was really hard. The worse part was the fighting, yelling and screaming. It was intense and hard for my young brain to understand. Add on top of it, I was so fucking mad at my dad.

I was lucky to find a job as a live in baby sitter (over the summer before college). I needed the space from my parents and the tension between them. The house was a pressure cooker.

Granted I know nothing about kids...I think letting your daughter go out was a good thing.

My parents refused to talk about anything about the affair. I wish they had. Keep the lines of communication open.

No offense to many of the people here who stay for the kids. Kids arent dumb. They sense or at least know what’s going. My folks did the fake smile on face thing, everything ok, we love each other. Oh please, no kid is that dumb. Ok...that’s a rant at my parents. Stupid FOO issues.

HB, I think you did the right thing letting your DD go. Wrt what to do now that she knows, talk to her. Listen to her. Let her know she can express whatever thoughts and feelings she has and you will not get angry or hurt or defensive.

Your CH is her stepdad, right? That makes things trickier. She has no biological connection to this man. She may decide she wants nothing to do with him.

I'm sorry your CH is acting like this. Maybe time for the 180? You've told him what you need. Now, it's his job to step up or get out.

Yes, LH, if you see these behaviors in your CBF, cut him loose!

Daisy, good for you standing your ground. Good on your CH for finally under and agreeing.

I got kicked put of the gym where my fch met the MOW because I threatened to shoot her. I do have a gun. 😂

I got kicked put of the gym where my fch met the MOW because I threatened to shoot her. I do have a gun. 😂

I need more details! Who kicked you out? I would love to shoot her or worse, but she's not worth me getting in trouble. But if I saw a bus coming directly her way, I would not warn her to move out of the way. And not even one little part of me feels bad about it.

HB, I am so sorry your daughter found out. That is a huge fear of mine as well. During Friday night's argument, he left the room before I was done and I ran out and pulled his shirt to come back. I then said something along the lines of "do you want everyone to find out". He questioned me about that later on and I told him that he doesn't have to worry about me telling our teenage children. But I made it clear I am not doing that for HIM, I am doing it to protect them.

I agree, with him being her stepdad, that makes it more complicated. She doesn't *need* to have a relationship with him. Does he know that she knows now?

Yes he is her step-father. He has loved and supported her in ways her real father never did. She is a strong young woman. She told me she is okay. I will keep checking in with her. They were back to their friendly banter this morning at church. I hope her rollercoaster is not as bad as mine but I am keeping in mind that she may have one.

Lostheart, we do not fight all the time. this is maybe the first time we screamed at each other since the affair. And we were not argumentive people before the affair. I am sorry that you had to grow up in that tense of an household. I know what it's like to grow up in that kind of tension. That is why I am not with her father. I was unhappy and if I am unhappy my kids are too. Anyways, I love my husband, I am sorry that she knows now but we are happy most of the time. I don't have to pretend with him. I love him so much which is why this hurts so bad.

Im sure he has an idea that she does because she heard everything. But I have not been able to tell him yet. He works this weekend.

[This message edited by heartbroken83 at 12:55 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Coco - I would be annoyed at that whole "talk" scenario. For real, I get the not wanting to initiate something, but FFS, can he not keep something going ONCE initiated? A million times? I feel like he wants you to sit in front of him and feed him his lines in order to "talk" but really hopes that you are like a puppy or toddler and will "forget" if not reminded.

Lostheart - I know it's hard but BLOCK the OW on social media. It does wonders for the mental state. Whenever I unblock I tend to spiral.

Ellie - Good for you on the blocking of all things douche-y. I have friends in common with the cOWhore, and so once she figured that out she started tagging them in things - just so I'd see. Talk about being immature. The blocking helps! I think moving into the anger grief stage is good, it means you are processing and moving forward! Now go throw some shit and kick something.

DaisyAnne - I'm sorry, but no. My WH has never asked to be taken off Find My Friends. He welcomes anything I do. He is PROACTIVE about telling me if things change, if he gets a text from a woman co-worker, or if something wonky happens that I might notice (for example last week he didn't renew his email system for his personal web domain - bc it's expensive and he doesn't (and never did) use it). But since I have the login/password, he wanted to make sure I knew he was doing it so it didn't just disappear and me wonder why. His goal is to prove that he is truthful. So he actually LIKES the fact that if I wanted to, I could do things to get "proof" that he is doing what he says he's doing. Those with nothing to hide - hide nothing. If he's not doing anything "wrong" then he needs to get his head out of his ass and realize that he needs to go OVERBOARD to start building trust. He destroyed it, he can work to rebuild it - if that's even possible.

Heartbroken - I'd be asking myself if I want to be with someone who doesn't care where I am for 8 hours. Truly. s for your daughter, I'm so sorry she's been made aware. Be sure to keep those lines of communication open, offer to find her a therapist if that is something that you can do, but I'd caution you not to use her as a support. (Not that you are, but I can see how it would be tempting!) And I'd tell him. If they have a good relationship and she leans on him, I'm sure it would be comforting to have him be honest with her, even if just to say, I'm sorry you know this stuff that you shouldn't, but I love you and I'm here for you." (if that's true of course.)

It's a beautiful day today, but my heart is still heavy. I miss my old life. I miss lying in bed on a Sunday morning, deciding to skip church because I'm exhausted, but glad to have my WH laying next to me. This morning I did the first two, but when WH put his arm around me, I immediately wondered if he had done that with her. I still can't stand to really look at him. Or to let myself touch him. It just sucks. And I'm so afraid that he will forever be damaged goods to me. I miss sex too. But I don't want sex with someone I can't even hold hands with or look at.

Happy Fucking Sunday ladies!

I would be annoyed at that whole "talk" scenario. For real, I get the not wanting to initiate something, but FFS, can he not keep something going ONCE initiated? A million times? I feel like he wants you to sit in front of him and feed him his lines in order to "talk" but really hopes that you are like a puppy or toddler and will "forget" if not reminded.

FFS is right! I asked him if he was hoping I would just forget. He said no, but that could be a lie. He isn't proactive about anything. He doesn't initiate anything!

I pointed out to him that we only had sex once last month. His response was that I didn't seem interested. I was like, "How would you know? You didn't try." SMH!

Which brings me back to our talk. He actually said he was waiting for me to start like with sex. 🤯

HB, maybe your CH should talk to your DD. I think it's important for parents to confront these things with their children when they know.

My adult son doesn't hold anything against my fch, his stepdad, for cheating on me. He still loves him like he was his bio dad. He is the only dad my son has really known. My son was 23 at the time.

Details about getting kicked out of the gym. It was a small, close knit crossfit gym, privately owned. My fch joined while he was living in the area alone. When the kids and I moved to join him, I joined the gym. I knew about the EA only at that point and knew the MOW was a member, but I guess I didn't understand the magnitude of sharing that space. I hadn't found this website and didn't know about NC.

As things progressed and I learned more and more about their A, I got more and more angry, obviously. I got drunk one night, got on Facebook and said something about having a gun and vodka muscles and could shoot the whore! Most of us at the gym were friends on Facebook. The owner, who also happened to be the MOWs exH and baby daddy (unbeknownst to me), saw my post and told me I was not allowed to come back.

Oh, but, of course my fch was still welcome as was my middle son who was wrestling there. I was not, however, even allowed to bring my son for wrestling. He and his new wife knew about the inappropriate relationship between my fch and the MOW. They sided with her. The MOW would show up at the gym with a friend at times when she used to not go, like in the middle of the work day, when she knew my fch would be there. She would purposely position herself either right next or right in front of me. It was all I could do to not smash her in the head with a kettlebell. I had the same thinking as you. I didn't want to go to jail. I have kids. Otherwise, I may have just knocked her ass out!

After we quit the gym and I learned the full extent of the PA, I texted the owners and told them. I also told them that I would ruin their business if I found anyway to connect it all. That's when all the shit hit the fan for the MOW. She had the nerve to text me and admonish me for involving other people in it. I told her she should've thought of that before she involved herself in my life.

So, I made my fch quit that gym. He was also a trainer/coach there. I guess they didn't figure on losing the only other coach/employee they had other than themselves.

My fch and I eventually had a huge blowout about him subjecting me to that kind of humiliation.

Sorry Heartbroken.....I didn’t mean to say anything out of place. My misplaced ranted was at my folks and if it came off at you....I’m sorry.

Big hugs TX. I hate the heavy heart thing. I hope it heals. ❤️

Coco....you go girl. Oh man....I would kill for the opportunity you were given and beautifully handled. Kick ass!

Well, I took myself out on a hot date. Went to the movies and saw Alien. It’s the 40th anniversary showing of it. I can’t believe it’s been 40 years since it came out. Lol....everybody was smoking in the movie. Brought back memories of how the 70’s was a cool time to smoke.

Otherwise....still meh. Getting myself mentally prepared to date again. So be forewarned....you’ll be hearing the dating stories. Add sauce to our thread.

Lostheart: I did not take your rant offensive at all. I just wanted to let you know that we are not a couple that fights often and definitely are staying together because we are for the most part happy and want to. Not because of the kids or the security the relationship brings.

Hope everyone's Sunday was great! Here's to another week coming...May your highs the lots and your lows be nonexistent.

Coco, I wish I had an opportunity like that! Way to go!

TX, I completely agree with you. He is also proactive about telling me things that change or look suspicious. The rare time he goes out for lunch with a (male) co-worker, he lets me know who he is with. This is the only thing he has an issue with, even though he understands why he needs to do this. And let's be honest. They could still cheat even if we see exactly where they are and where they are supposed to be.

I am so sorry you still feel like you can't look or touch him. I wonder those those things too ("did he do this with her") but then I immediately try to change my thoughts. Even if he did, there is nothing I can do about it and I focus on the fact that he is with ME now. I refuse to let the whore continue to destroy my life. I will not give her that power.

And let's be honest. They could still cheat even if we see exactly where they are and where they are supposed to be.

Yep. If they want to, they will find a way. For the 1st month after dday1, while I had access to all of his personal accounts and electronics and location, he would go to his work library, make up a fake, disposable email account, and email the MOW.

The only thing I knew was that he was at the library. He said it was because the computer in his office wasn't working, so he had to use the library computers until his was fixed. There was no way for me to verify any of that because he worked in a restricted area. I couldn't even get in the door.

It was suspicious, so my spidey senses were up, but there was nothing I could do.

Also, he was not allowed to take his personal phone into his work building. He had to give it to the guards to be locked in a box. So, all I could verify through location was that he arrived at work. After that, I didn't know where he was or what he was doing and he had a valid reason for that.

Ha! It just occurred to me how stupid he was to get his phone and take it with him when he went to the library across the base. It would've been a lot smarter to leave his phone. I never would've known he was leaving his office building.

Happy morning ladies.

Can you guys help me out? Sorry for the rant ladies...just needs to come out.

Why am I more angry at MOW then my WBF? Logically my brain says be mad at him. But right now I’m more mad at the bitch.

Why does a man have A with a MOW? Why?? Is it because his has no intention of taking it farther and someone married makes it easy to ensure that it won’t go farther? Just easy low laying fruit?

See what bothers me, my WBF (58 yrs) told me he’s not interested in kids and one thing he liked about me .... I have no kids. So why fuck around with a woman w an 8yr old son? He never gave a shit about her kid. There was never a point where he would be like ..... I want to be a dad.

Hell, this woman is in “love” w WBF .... even though she’s married in CA with a kid. WBF is NEVER going to move to CA and I’m sure her husband would never let the son leave the state. So why? Why bother? It’s all a dead end. I can’t wrap my brain around it. It’s a waste of time, energy. Life is short why waste yourself on something so empty? What the fuck? Why do WS get fantasy land and we get hard reality?

I hate how these things pop up in my mind. I want context. Yet, my brain says ....nope there’s no context. Just just fucked up.

Nice thing....even with these thoughts...I’m starting to feel my life isn’t overwhelmed by the shock. Going NC has been worth it....hard but worth it.

Thanks for listening.

I would say that being with a Married OS makes it safe. They have just as much to lose as you do. If they do it with a single person then that person could blow it up and have nothing to lose except maybe the AP.

Back when I was a completely different person I was very unhappily married and used sex as a coping skill. When xh would upset me by lets say getting us evicted I would go off an have sex with other people to cope. I know this is unhealthy and have used lots of therapy to become the great person I am today. That's not the point, this is. I always wanted to do it with someone who wasn't looking to change their situation (i.e. someone who was married). They were married and something was missing but they didn't want to leave and at that time neither did I. It worked for the both of us. I am not saying this is right, I am just saying that I think that is where most cheaters are at.

They don't worry about the other person telling because they have just as much to lose as the next person. I hope that makes sense.

The other is that I think it is easier to be mad at MOW because you never loved her. Unless you were friends or something then the anger would be warranted. It is hard to stay mad at someone you love and if you can transfer your anger to someone else then we do.

Not in my case tho. I was never angry with the ow. In my mind, she did not marry me, she did not promise to be faithful to me, she had no commitment to me whatsoever. She did know he was married and it was wrong of her to keep pursuing him after the fact but it was never her job to be faithful. It was his to push her away.

Thank you heartbroken. That helps me a lot. Thanks for being vulnerable with me. Truly helps my brain deal with the thoughts.

I think this A was WBF way of dealing with baggage. Yup, I’m guessing or making excuses. Though I’m trusting my gut feeling, she never meant much to him. Which actually has me sad for her because she had more invested....though that was a fantasy.

What a mess these two people created. It’s mind boggling.

I’ll reread your words when I get angry at OW ..... you words resonate with me and help me stay focused on the real issue. In someways I think being angry at OW allows me to carpet sweep.

Thanks again ❤️