DDay....it doesn’t matter, it’s in the past!
Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness - Katherine Henson.
Walk out of that door and don’t look back!
A noose around my neck 😭
Encouraging words and suggestions of a way forward to ensure I remain on my healing and happy path to freedom.
Recap: DDay June 2019. Separated instantly. D decree nisi. DD 3 who I am main carer for but STBXWH has her 2 nights per week and his parent care for her one day whilst I am at work.
Found out last night that STBXWH spent Christmas with OW and his family. When I went to collect our DD from him and his parents they weren’t there. However, were hiding around the corner in their car with his OW. I met his mum at the wkd (her request) for breakfast bcoz she is worried about me and wants me to feel I can ask her for support with DD or finances. At this meeting she slagged off her sons relationship on her own terms. I wasn’t upset or suggesting any sort of confusion over his reasons. She volunteered her ‘opinion’ on the matter and said she still believes he’s going through a midlife crisis, it won’t work with OW and her and I can say in time ‘we told you so!’. At this point I suspected the above but hadn’t received confirmation. Probably not relevant but I was with STBXWH for 15 years and find the whole situation very disrespectful and deceitful. How do I have any type of relationship with her if this is what she is going to do?
I have spoken to STBXWH about how I feel and of course he reports their action are to protect me! His parents had an affair and I’m thinking they still get off on sneaking around and lying to others. I have in no uncertain terms told my STBXWH what will happen longterm if this deceit continues but he throws this back in my face and said life isn’t like that and that would just show our DD bitterness. How do I try and explain my feelings and boundaries without it being twisted to suit them?
Please help....I didn’t sleep last night due to worrying about their constant mindfucks and will I ever rid them from my life. I have been doing so well. He has asked me to move on and be happy but their games are continued hurts. I am thinking of emailing or writing to his mum about how I feel.
12 comments posted: Tuesday, January 14th, 2020
Just one more lie please
I need emergency help with regards to my WH and his family (mainly his parents). I have struggled from DDay to try and find a manageable way to move forward with them without them hurting me anymore but keeping the peace for the sake of my DD.
As it turns out my WH has lied to me for 15 years about the smallest of things, and continues to do so. I have told him on many occasions to stop and what the consequences of these lies will be. Yesterday when I went to collect my Dd from him at his parents. He strangely volunteered their whereabouts (out all night at a party) He seemed shifty and was keen for me to leave. When I left and on my way home I passed them parked up around the corner. Not near anyone they knew or on the way back from the direction of the party. They usually have a Christmas party every year on the same day. Why would they want to lie about something so small and then sneak around. I have this extremely strong suspicion that they had his OW in their car.
His mum has been very keen to keep our close relationship going but has made too many stupid comments. I have no hard evidence as to what they were up to but suspect that my suspicions are true. I am finding it hard to want a relationship with her and I am not sure how to broach the subject of her lying to me, this being unacceptable and something I am not prepared to stand for. I also want to continue to remind him that I won’t stand for it.
He has told me that they may ‘bump’ into his OW in March when they are all watching the rugby in London. Meaning, they are meeting her then. I expressed my disgust but get that they will want to meet her and for him to be happy. But feel this overwhelming heartache that they have moved on so quickly and they aren’t considering my feelings in all of this. Am I stupid to even think they would?
My friend told me not to let their plans upset me and if they are prepared to ruin any relationship with me, then let them.
Please give me some advice and reassurance, before I lose the plot.
3 comments posted: Saturday, December 28th, 2019
Something is holding me back...
I have previously posted within the just found out section and moved briefly to the Divorce/separation section. Both of which are still relative to me as my situation hasn’t changed, however, my outlook on it all has.
Those of you who don’t know I have been separated from my WH for nearly 5 months now. He left for OW and his behaviour was very erratic following our separation. So much so that people suggested drugs, brain tumour and a mid life crisis. None of which have occurred. He still continues to see the OW but appears to be in a much better place mentally. He continues to see his IC and she has identified that he has an unhealthy relationship with women and he almost needs them to validate his feelings and identity.
I continue to see my IC who is very helpful but I acknowledge that this rollercoaster is a long one. I am currently living at my parents (my choice) which is 30 minutes away from our home that is currently unoccupied and has recently sold. With this in mind here is my dilemma...
I have planned to put DD into local nursery here where my family are and to buy a property here. I have viewed one property and had a massive set back. It has completely thrown me off course. I don’t know where I want to live! And what is best for me and DD. I thought living back near family would make me happy but I am unsure if this is the case. I have lived away for 10 years and have built a life there. Friends, work etc. I was conscious of the fact of staying near him and his family that this wouldn’t allow me to move on and we would bump into each other. I am stronger now on this front and don’t think this would bother me.
I would just like some support and guidance on what you have all done and what contributed to you moving on and being happy with the decisions you had to make.
I feel like I’m still so unsettled that I am likely to make the wrong decision. I am thinking to keep DD in childminder near old house and live with parents in the hope that I will one day know what I want.
WH has seen a house and has offered on it. I’m also worried that he will have his own place and DD will visit and love it. And we will be at my parents. It’s even questioned whether I want to sell our house now. Which is ridiculous because I’ve been so unhappy there since he left. I can afford to buy him out with the help of family but it’s an expensive house to run.
8 comments posted: Wednesday, November 20th, 2019