SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

EllieKMAS - that sounds like an awesomely fabulous time! I hope you run into Rashawnda there.

Cabaret - pink martinis - what's not to love? Unbachalorette Party - LOVE THIS TERM

What an amazing conversation. I wish I had more time to contribute but I just wanted to make sure I say I think you are all strong, brave, amazing women!

Coco, I understand where you are coming from. As long as you are happy, that's all that matters. I do work, but only part-time (4 hours a day) basically to get out of the house and some extra money. I don't *need* to work. Obviously that would change if we got divorced. I have a nice, comfy life that I don't want to end. That is one reason why I am staying.

I'm calling it my Unbachelorette Party

I love this!! Sounds like fun!

That's where the commitment comes in. If you have children, it's not just a commitment to your partner. It's also a commitment to your children. If my fch were still cheating or wayward, if he was abusive or mean or disrespectful or any other bad thing, if he wasn't putting in tons of effort to become a safe partner, I would leave.

Yes, the commitment to the children is a huge part of staying and fighting for our marriage and family. I've always said that if I was cheated on, I'd leave. But how can I not try to keep my family together? In fact, in our of our conversations he said one of his regrets with having the A is being away from the kids. Why did he choose that skank over them. I know the answer: his ego. Also, he was tired of being a husband and dad. It hurts him now to say that but it was true at those moments, which I can never understand.

[This message edited by DaisyAnne at 7:58 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

I feel like it was all fake and he is not who I thought he was at all

I think that almost all BPs feel this way. That's definitely how I feel. I didn't think I was settling when I got married. I thought I had hit the jackpot. People would say I was so lucky to have an H like mine. I would respond that luck had nothing to do with it. I deliberately chose him.

I understood that one person can not be everything to another. I had had enough experience to realize that it was highly unlikely that I would meet a man who fulfilled my intellectual needs.

I get my intellectual needs fulfilled by my dad. Idk what I'll do when he's gone. He's 80 and has prostate cancer.

I get my spiritual needs fulfilled through my yoga friends. My emotional needs are tough to fill. I used to get that from my fch. Now, I'm not so sure. I guess I get that from myself.

Have any of you seen the thread entitled, Feeling loved? I've been thinking about that. Idk if there's anything my fch does now that makes me feel loved by him. All the things he does that used to make me feel loved are caught up in his CoD. All that stuff is about him, not me. I don't really feel loved by him anymore even though he says he loves me every day.

For example, this morning I met him in the kitchen. He came up to me and said we had been failing on our MC homework, and hugged me. We stood there for several minutes embracing each other. I felt nothing. How, that is sad.

Coco that is sad. Sending big hugs.

One of my DDAYS was for a fuckfest Cheater enjoyed, beginning before a very difficult pregnancy.

Just this morning, he had the gall to say he cheated with that one because he was upset the pregnancy was so complicated.

Of course, blunt ME says, I understand that getting your little dick sucked dramatically improved my health!

He thinks my sarcasm interferes with healing

Oh? But his sheer stupidity doesn’t?

Your sarcasm HELPS with healing IMHO. You know what interferes with healing - fucking cheaters. No cheat - no cheating to heal from. Damn - it really is just that fucking simple.

I understand that getting your little dick sucked dramatically improved my health!

I'm laughing my ass off and spit my coffee! Good one 20yrsagoBS!

Once again thank you ladies. I feel as though I’m getting the real story of after the A. All the work, disappointment, frustration, and how different the relationship is.

TX Yup, I’m mourning the old relationship. I won’t lie I’m confused...mostly because of my memories. That’s why I’m staying away from him. I want the space and freedom to work out my feelings.

I hired a dating coach yesterday. To help me work through this A stuff and to help me potentially move towards dating.

I just need to say ...mostly for it to sink into my brain....I’m going to sit back relax and see what actions WBF comes up. Actions will say it all. I won’t be surprised if there’s nothing.

I already find myself dreaming of dating. A new start.

Yet, I’m too old to be in fantasy land, nothing is going to be perfect. There will be something. It’s what can I settle for.

Coco I can totally get where you are coming from. I work for myself. Business has been bad. Living week to week. I can totally see value in what you are talking about. Some days I would kill just not to worry about how I’m going to pay my rent. I’m at the point I need to drop my health insurance. Just the hard reality. Not enough money.

Yes, there’s a huge value to your quality of life in one way.

Wish I had good advice about the hug thing. Have you tried fairy dust on him? It’s magically. You might turn him into George Clooney.....much better hugging material.

20yrs I love your reply. I know I know...we’re supposed to be better woman. Say something profound like “that is very hurtful and selfish”.

Hell, I love your response. These stupid asses. Omg....the dick really does think for these guys.

Yes. Yes it does. And if the thinking actually matched the size they think it is they'd all be fucking Einsteins.

And if the thinking actually matched the size they think it is they'd all be fucking Einsteins.

Well, I have FINALLY figured out how to follow my own advice. Put the beverage DOWN before clicking on the Betrayed Womenz' Thread.... Good thing, cuz I would have aspirated my iced coffee - AGAIN - had I read this whilst drinking.

Coco & Tx (& Others), I've always said our WH must be brothers of some sort. It's amazing to me that people with such different lives/backgrounds have such similar stories.

I do have a twist on the settling in that, like Coco+5, I thought I'd hit the jackpot. But like DD, we DID have deep conversations early on. So, at the time I did not think I was settling, and today, even after all I know now (and recognizing the mountain that I don't), I don't think I did settle - in the beginning (even tho he was not being 100% honest from the get go). For me, the "settling" began later.

Now? I don't consider myself "in R", and if we did begin that journey, I dunno if I'll feel I'm settling or not. My WH is the breadwinner and he cooks, cleans, etc. He's always kept the trains on time. There are a lot of things I love ABOUT him... but I couldn't say if I love HIM - the person, vs him - the illusion I lived with for so damned long. Cuz I don't feel I KNOW the person he really was/is. I'd never imagined that he could maintain a double life for SO FUCKING LONG. Maybe it's hopium, but a part of me believes in the ability to change. I think I'd be filing for D if I didn't believe that (not just about him, but about humans). Recently he's shown signs of progress - of really TRYING. And I think being S has calmed my anger enough to make that less scary for him.

It's all compounded by our DD's addiction. Monday I told her she needed to live with WH. So, it's odd, but in the last few weeks it feels like WH and I are able to become relatively aligned in addressing her. And it has a kind of bonding effect. But it also feels a bit like slipping into a normalcy that I know is not good for me.. a kind of complacency.

I don't have to decide anything right now, and I'm probably more glad about that than I have been since dday, as I'd like to be putting my energies into coping with DD and my own feelings about that relationship. It's awful to look at the ways I fucked up as a mom. This journey forced me to look at my own shit, which I'm grateful for. But, even though I may have been the 'victim' in the M, some of my "loving" behaviors to my DD were felt as anything but love. I did not see her the way SHE NEEDED to be seen. I saw what I WANTED to see. And she suffered for that, badly. I don't think that makes me responsible for her choices or her addiction. Yet I do feel a strong desire to atone. A desire to see her as she really is, and to love her, while keeping my boundaries. While she refuses any treatment and is actively using, it's damn near impossible...and it feels like pushing that only serves to give me some cheap sense of 'atta girl. My prayer is she will agree to inpatient rehab and that I can be the mom she needs in that journey. My prayer is that she will live long enough for that to happen.

And on that light note.... FUCK.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:53 PM, October 9th, 2019 (Wednesday)]

Coco

I feel like it was all fake and he is not who I thought he was at all

I think that almost all BPs feel this way. That's definitely how I feel. I didn't think I was settling when I got married. I thought I had hit the jackpot. People would say I was so lucky to have an H like mine. I would respond that luck had nothing to do with it. I deliberately chose him.

I definitely relate to all of this. I hate to admit that I also used to think, or maybe twisted my thinking to believe I "hit the proverbial jackpot" when WH and I found each other. My girlfriends all told me how "lucky" I was to find such a good guy. I didn't need money or to be taken care of in that way but he did "take care of me" as in would fix anything and everything that needed to be done and I never had to ask. Serviced my car, cut my lawn before we married, made repairs around my pre-marital home, helped me pretty-up the place. I used to interpret these acts as him showing me love. I'm sure even today he would say this was "love in action" because he very much believes in action.

Post-A? Now I see it totally differently. These actions made him feel better about himself and I don't think they were selfless at all. DIY is his hobby, what he loves to do and how he keeps busy. Yes I was lucky I didn't end up with a lazy slob who sat around playing or watching games but it's almost as if he HAD to do these things but for himself - to feed an obsession. He may be adhd (not diagnosed) but he really can't sit still long.

I now recall trying to get him to do more things with me - even just to come take a nap and cuddle on a weekend afternoon, and he just couldn't. Always had something that needed to be done, fixed, improved, installed, etc. My friends told me how lucky I was and I started to really believe that even though I craved something deeper, more intimate.

And yes, S has helped me to sit back and see this more clearly now. I bent to his will. Most of the time I don't think he was intentionally trying to get me to bend to his will but sometimes I felt he was conditioning me to accept him as such ...not willing to get deeply intimate with me...but would occasionally give me just enough of that to keep me happy. A sweet kiss here and there, a little PDA every now and then so friends would see and he knew they would remind me how lucky I was.

Deep inside I wanted a greater connection. I have mentioned in my JFO thread that I never felt like his soulmate (not sure I believe in that anyway) but that I felt I was not loved as deeply as his first and now deceased wife. This could be all on me but I just didn't feel it and now that he knows that, he feels very badly. And honestly, I'm not even sure what to tell him he could do now to feel/achieve that connection I so desperately craved. I think that opportunity for us is lost. Maybe I won't be able to get that with anyone because I'm now so cynical and wounded after this experience. He has told me he hates that his actions have me believing this now but he has no way to make me believe otherwise because I won't let him nor give him the chance to try.

And that's another issue I have as I read through SI. I find I whinge at those comments where a BS seems to be enforcing strong boundaries with WS only to keep giving one more chance and then another and then one more. Where does it finally end? How can anyone be sure that when they say "I am certain that if they ever did this again, we are done!" when we see it time and time again that it doesn't always happen that way?

I am allowing these poster's experiences to impact my own M. I'm not dropping my walls and allowing even one iota of vulnerability.. I'm not letting him in at all and maybe more so because I don't trust myself enough and not so much because I don't trust him. And it is exhausting. So exhausting.

I feel so cold. So hardened. So affected by all of this. I feel like...such a cold-hearted bitch, really. And I hate that.

Aside from that...I'm great!

((((gmc)))))

Addiction is hard. I lost my brother over 12 years ago due to a drug overdose that made him have a heart attack at 22 years old. He left a 1 year old daughter behind. I almost lost my sister to meth as well. However she recovered from her addiction quite a few years ago and is now a better woman than most. She did it without any treatment from any thing. Her and God. Now she is married, gaining a relationship with the kids she lost, and living her best life with God. Keep praying for your daughter and God will keep her. I will add her to my list as well. I hope this is encouraging as it is meant to be but I can also see how it might be discouraging as well. Sorry if it is.

The week is 1/2 way over and then the great weekend. It's hubby's weekend to work so I don't know what I am going to get into yet. I was thinking about yard work but where I am at it is supposed to rain until like Monday. I hate cold wet days. At least I am not depressed at the moment, if I was this weather may tip me off the edge.

Hi,

Are your Cheaters very sarcastic too?

I understand it’s hidden anger.

But my WH really has nothing to be angry about. He did all of this, he preyed on these women, desperately trying to get them to pay attention to him.

No one took anything from him, he’s not accustomed to going without..... until the last 3 years. He committed financial infidelity, hid a coworker from me, when we attended a holiday party for his employer. These are HIS things, not mine.

I’m going to sound judgmental by saying this, but I am old school. One Baby Daddy, one marriage, no lies.

This coworker squeezed out puppies from several different men, something WH finds distasteful. So why moan her name in his sleep, why hide her from me?

When I ask him to explain, poor baby becomes angry, frustrated, and sarcastic all over again.

He’S also pissed because I told him this would all be easier if he was dead.

Apparently I am mean!

This is what serial cheating creates

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 10:03 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

Well, I have FINALLY figured out how to follow my own advice. Put the beverage DOWN before clicking on the Betrayed Womenz' Thread.... Good thing, cuz I would have aspirated my iced coffee - AGAIN - had I read this whilst drinking.

haha me toooo esp when reading Chaos, Ellie, or TG's posts

Yes. Yes it does. And if the thinking actually matched the size they think it is they'd all be fucking Einsteins.

And there it is...my coffee would of been all over me YET AGAIN

Ellie, Unbachalorette party is FUCKING brilliant...love Love LOVE it

((gmc))

Wish I had good advice about the hug thing. Have you tried fairy dust on him? It’s magically. You might turn him into George Clooney.....much better hugging material

LOL He's better looking than George Clooney so that won't help.

actions made him feel better about himself and I don't think they were selfless at all.

Yep. That's my fch. All of the things he did for me weren't really for me. They were for him, so he would feel like a good person. Now, he continues to do those things, but I don't feel loved because of that anymore.

20years, no, my fch is not sarcastic. I don't think he has the intelligence for that.

Good morning to my lady crew....

It’s another fucking happy day here in NY.

Once again....sounding like a broken record....I’m learning from you all. So big thank you. Plus the good laughs.

Thank god, we are a bunch of woman figuring out this bullshit .... compared to so many who are so happy...no problems.

Speed bump. I dated a guy who would fix everything in my apartment. All my girlfriends were like he’s the one! I kept getting a weird feeling about him...that his self value was tied to what he could fix. Reading your story! Omg yes! Glad I let that one go.....though my bathroom facet is leaking....could use him now.

Sppedbump....I’m cautious of the info on this board. I see a lot of angry people (rightfully so). Follow your gut. I figure I will love again...though from a different place (much less naive and with much clearer communication). I don’t want to close off my heart to its desires (which recently has come to light for me .... I have no idea what are my hearts desires....more junk to clean out). Where’s the in between place for you? The gray zone?

20yrs Of course your mean. You’re not rug sweeping. Haven’t magically forgotten the past. It takes a lot of energy to not be sarcastic. Maybe notice if your sarcasms comes out when your tired?

Anyhoo....I’m jealous you can let it rip. At one point, WBF had been at the drs and told me why wasn’t I more concerned. That I should get in my car, buy him soup and drive 35 miles to house and cuddle with him. I want to say .... why not ask Kimberley? Oh that’s right she’s 3000 miles away with a fucking family! I didn’t say it. Though I flatly refused to do anything for him. Asshole.

Coco. Dang...better looking than George. Wow...fairy dust even fails in the infidelity realm.

GMC. Big hugs. I admire your courageousness.

moved to general

[This message edited by Janeey at 9:28 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

Good Morning Womenz!

Happy Fucking Thursday 😎

Thank god, we are a bunch of woman figuring out this bullshit .... compared to so many who are so happy...no problems.

Just remember most people do have problems. They just don’t talk about it. Anyone just looking at me would never know what a rollercoaster I am on right now.

Speaking of the rollercoaster, yesterday was a down day. At least that means i should have a few good days to look forward to. Positive thoughts, right?

Happy fucking Thursday!

gmc - Sending you hugs. Addiction is SO hard to contend with. It is ok and helthy for you to set boundaries while she is still in active addiction. No matter what mistakes you feel you've made, you do not have to atone for them by allowing her addiction into your life. I am so sorry though, I know that must be so hard

20yobs - OMG girl.... LMAO And sarcasm is a defense against stupidity IMHO. And I have a magnet on my fridge that says so!

SB - That is very much my xWH. You are not a cold-hearted bitch at all. You are actually learning from the hard paths others have crossed doing the false R bullshit. Ballsy and brave! If he is serious about changing, he will do it no matter if you are around or not. And if (as I suspect) him 'changing' is just lip service and self preservation like so many of the WHs do... then you are better off and far further down the path to healing than if you had false R to contend with. I've said it before and will say it again; for me, the 9 months of false R fucked me up worse than the A did.

Also, I'm with you on being cynical, but you know what? I think my cynicism will help me to be more aware of red flags and give me strength to walk away instead of ignoring them in the future. I'll put that in the win column.

Daisy - Sending you hugs too. Down days are a normal part of reality in dealing with this shit unfortunately. You'll get through it!

Happy day girls! It is the first snow of the season and I am working from home today. So it is a good day - I don't have to wear a bra, I get to stay in my jammies and drink coffee all day and hang in front of my fireplace with my doggies