SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I couldn't/wouldn't of ever got to where I am today if I had stayed with him.

I've been here since March, so imagining another 6 months from now fills me with absolute joy & wonder.

Achieving small steps daily has helped me immensely, now when I make these daily steps I don't even notice them, its only when my IC brings it up do I even realise I have done it. Thats pretty rewarding tbh!

I'm in control of my own future & destiny.

No one else will ever have control of me AGAIN in anyway!

BigBlueEyes I am just starting the journey of S/D and every step forward I make feels peaceful and free from the madness.

He is STILL trying to control me through this process saying things like I am not hearing what he is saying. It's all about what he has done for the M how hard is working blah blah blah like I'm not doing the same thing.

I can't wait for my alone time and freedom away. Really cannot wait until I move out. This is a whole other type of hell separate from infidelity, but part of the same personality disorder

CB,

Yep I can definitely relate, sociopathic narcissistic people are on a whole other level!

I can honestly say it wasn’t until I joined this site did I even understand who he was, even while I lived with it for far to many years I really didn’t know him, I no longer beat myself up for it though as he only let me see what he wanted me to see. I owe this site & people here so much Collectively they have all contributed to saving my life in more ways than 1.

My ic doesn’t let me rake over the past to much he’s more interested in building my self esteem & confidence than tearing it to shreds like I was inclined to do 🙈!!

I take my hat to anyone trying to R as it’s hard as hell navigating that shit storm..been there done that, definitely not doing it again.

Obviously my circumstances are slightly different 😟

I will say no matter what happens now or in my future I have no regrets taking my journey in this direction.

Trust me I am calmer & finally at peace with whatever happens now, I really do hope you find the same hun 🤞

speedbump - I'd leave the crazy alone. Let someone new deal with her shit. You blow her new thing up and she might end up back on your doorstep.

crazybs - Delusional. I'm so glad you are making steps towards getting out of not only infidelity but a relationship with a narcissist!

BBE - Yes, I hear focusing on the present is helpful. I hope to get there someday!

TX

speedbump - I'd leave the crazy alone. Let someone new deal with her shit. You blow her new thing up and she might end up back on your doorstep.

Yes, I know you're right but still. If I run into them, I don't plan on biting my tongue though. I'll be ready with the quickness to expose her true self.

Thanks ladies for food for thought.

At 51 I know there will be compromise or settling. It’s a double edge sword....if he wasnt a cheater then I could have made the compromise. As a cheater....deal breaker.

Yeah, TX your thought about a guy wanting to grow is what could be the deal maker....and leaving out the cheating. Just a normal guy who can say “ok I’ve got work to do”.

In the end that’s is what makes a relationship work, gives it spark or whatever word is right. Whatever happened to informing your partner that something is off in the relationship or with him? Not sticking your dick in other places.

Actually reading some of the BS on this forum has made me realize there’s good guys out there. Now to find one.

Fuck me....today is badly pining for my BF before affair. I miss him so much. Yet, he’s dead. The facade is off and then I’m sad for falling for everything.....his family, the “I love you”, being told our sex life was spiritual expansive for him, the best intimacy he’s ever had in his life, being so excited to see me after being away on business.....ugh. Bipolar monkey brain again.

Off to balance myself .... you’re right blueeyes in six months things will be very different ♥️

speedbump - I'd leave the crazy alone. Let someone new deal with her shit. You blow her new thing up and she might end up back on your doorstep.

I agree as well. While I would love to warn whoever Psycho targets next, I am done with her. I have seriously thought about having someone "expose" her on Facebook but she would know it would either come from me, WH or my BIL. Plus, since we went to the police for her to keep her distance from us, I know I should do the same. As much as it hurts and sucks.

That settling thing...I think about that too. I didn't feel that I settled in my marriage to my XWH. Not at the time, anyway. I now think that maybe I did settle for some things that I'd have not preferred to deal with, but it was balanced out with the so fabulous gooey love that I could accept his shortcomings and feel okay about him accepting mine. In theory, this is not a bad thing. So what does it even mean to settle? Had he turned out to be who I thought he was, I'd not feel like I got a raw deal. So in dating new people, I still don't know what settling would entail. I'm not going to meet a human being who is all that I would want in a fantasy. Maybe I'll find someone who's pretty close to some ideal or another, but I won't find someone who won't have things about them I'd compromise on. Maybe his taste in clothing will be lame, maybe he will have disdain for Valentine's day, maybe his idea of holidays will be different from mine. Maybe he'll suck at yardwork, shit, I don't know.

I'm so paranoid about picking another idiot that I'm completely dedicated to being single for the forseeable future. I think I can pick up on red flags better than I ever could have before, so that's good, but I'm absolutely not in a place to fairly judge another person. I'm too focused on "so are you actually a fucking asshole pretending to be a decent human" to give anyone a fair chance.

So until then, it's all me growing older with dogs, lol.

I'm so paranoid about picking another idiot that I'm completely dedicated to being single for the forseeable future.

Omgosh you can say that again. My picker is not to be trusted. Every long term relationship I've had has been with a disordered person.

I have lots to say, but it's late, so I'll wait til tomorrow. For now, I just want to say that the ability to see where change and growth are needed and the openness to try to do that are big. My fch was not like that all. He was perfectly happy just going along with the status quo not even thinking about anything. I knew that was not good before we got married. I talked to my dad about it. I married him anyway.

I can see why others say “leave the crazy alone” honestly I really can, 2 yrs ago I probably would of said the exact same thing (actually probably wouldn’t of even commented tbh) now though I have a voice & I’m not so silent, you have to stay true to you SB, you are the 1 living in your situation.

DD,

For me they wouldn’t be dealbreakers, Clothes can be changed, valentines doesn’t matter if someone shows you love every other day of the year, compromise on holidays can be worked out, if that’s all that’s wrong with a future partner of mine I’LL TAKE HIM lol.

I won’t compromise on values, morals, respectfulness, manners, personal hygiene, & a general feeling of goodness.

I will compromise on most other things but none of the above,

I’m not sure when & if I’ll be ready to get back on the horse 🤪 but I’m not against a bit of trekking in the meantime when the circumstances & time is right.

I really would like to get laid...that tiny dicked big balled narcissistic arsehole cannot be my last fucking fuck.

Happy fucking Tuesday ladies 🙌🏻

Settling

Yes, I think I settled. I had been a single mom for 8 years. I was tired. My fch came along and took care of me. I really liked that. I had never had anyone take care of me, not even my parents.

So, I let the other stuff slide. We had opposite political affiliations and beliefs. He is catholic. I am atheist. He was (is?) very materialistic. I couldn't care less about things.

He was a "yes" man. He went along with whatever I wanted. He didn't voice a strong opinion or passion or desire. He was just along for the ride. I gave up deep, meaningful conversations. I gave up sharing hopes, dreams, passions. I settled for someone who seemed to be like a good hearted person, but didn't share the same core values as me. That was the biggest mistake.

In my defense, I had bot clearly defined my core values at the time. I don't think I'd ever even heard that phrase. It was not something that was part of my vocabulary, thinking, or life. I think I assumed that, since he cared for me so much, he must care about others deeply. Of course, I now know it was all a facade. I don't know that I could've defended myself from that since I didn't know what it was. Does that make sense?

So, now, I'm stuck with this person I settled for because of redeeming qualities that weren't real. That's why I'm struggling with whether or not our M will survive even though we are reconciled. He is not, and never was, the person he portrayed himself to be. I was duped from the get go. I don't know if I can live with the person he really is even if he never does anything wayward ever again.

But, he pays the bills so I don't have to work. I hated having a job. I hated having to follow someone else's schedule and dress code. That's why I resist taking regular yoga teaching gigs eve now. He does most of the cooking and a lot of the housework. He loves our, and my, boys. He is gentle, not angry or loud or abusive. So, I stay because it's comfortable. I'm content. I don't want for anything. We don't fight much. The sex, when it happens, is amazing! 🤷‍♀️

If I were to be completely honest, I don't think I love him. I don't think I was ever in love with him. I loved what he did for me. I loved being taken care of and doted on. I loved being the end all, be all of someone else's life. That fantasy was shattered when he cheated. It can never be restored.

Coco,

holy shit, I literally just cried reading what you have wrote.

I truly am lost for words & so bloody sorry for you

So, now, I'm stuck with this person I settled for because of redeeming qualities that weren't real. That's why I'm struggling with whether or not our M will survive even though we are reconciled. He is not, and never was, the person he portrayed himself to be. I was duped from the get go. I don't know if I can live with the person he really is even if he never does anything wayward ever again.

Same same same. If, in some alternate universe, my XWH had never cheated but had just become who he really was, my marriage would have ended for that because I was in love with the image he presented to me, not his true self that he had kept hidden. It was easy to leave the real him because the man I married had already died.

Coco, I am so very sorry! I really feel for you. :(

I’m completely the opposite. We’ve been together since I was 18 years old (he was 24). We are the only real relationships we have had. We both had one other partner before we got together but being so young it was just a teenage thing.

The 4 years or so of him being unhappy and eventually cheating is a classic midlife crisis. I told him that back then but he didn’t agree. 4 years ago, he said he never saw himself being married forever (this is after being together almost 20 years, 13 married at the time). He wanted to see what was out there. Well, he found it and then realized it wasn’t want he wanted or needed. He agrees now that it was a midlife crisis. I wish he realized this before breaking my heart and almost destroying our family.

Duped - yes. Purposefully - no. In my case WS didn't even know he had on a mask. It all came to bare when he lost his f'ing mind. Now, four years after d-day he finally took off his mask and is starting to stand on his own two feet.

Does it make me fall in love with him? Not yet. Does it provide relief. Yes incredible relief that I do not have to carry these two burdens:

* Take care of him for his basic needs. He can do it for himself and is demonstrating it from very firm and hard won boundaries.

* Stop contorting my reality to justify his brokenness as if it is normal and I am okay or justified in staying. THIS is the biggest relief of a burden for me that I didn't even see until now.

Was it all a lie before? I don't know. In as much as I didn't know then what I know now perhaps. Neither of us knew. I can let go of what was because of this. Now, how to create what I want and what I need is the mission.

I don't feel like I am settling any longer because I am dealing with reality as is my WS, and have the power to make my own decisions. However, I was tortured by thoughts that I was settling for FOUR YEARS!

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 9:40 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

He was a "yes" man. He went along with whatever I wanted. He didn't voice a strong opinion or passion or desire. He was just along for the ride. I gave up deep, meaningful conversations. I gave up sharing hopes, dreams, passions. I settled for someone who seemed to be like a good hearted person, but didn't share the same core values as me.

This is very similar to my story. In my case, my WH grew up thinking he wasn't allowed to think any other way than his parents, so he just stopped having emotional reactions and anything other than logical thought. Interestingly enough, he began to resent ME in our marriage for making all of the decisions or getting "my way". For example, regarding our children EVEN THOUGH he didn't ever speak up or even have an alternative idea about what to do (other than the "advice" his parents gave). He also resented me for us moving from the Catholic Church to a different Christian denomination when I was pregnant with our first. Even though when I asked him WHY he was Catholic or why it was important to him, he didn't have an answer and said nothing about wanting to stay in the church. It's been interesting to watch him grow into and give thought to what he REALLY thinks - about politics, religion, relationships, parenting, etc. And he was so used to suppressing his opinions his whole life that he assumed I'd automatically shoot down his thoughts and was surprised when I am actually NORMAL and listen to him.

Coco - I am sad that you are in the situation you are in with your H. Not because I think it's bad necessarily, but because I hope that you are finding ways to be happy and fill yourself up. I do think society sells us on a relationship being a need to make us "whole" when in fact it's all about our own lives. So, I hope that your H is not a hindrance to your being happy - and maybe just maybe this MC can help you feel better about your connection.

ISSF -

Duped - yes. Purposefully - no. In my case WS didn't even know he had on a mask.

I agree. I don't think mine was doing it on purpose. He fooled himself many more years than he fooled me.

incredible relief that I do not have to carry these two burdens:

* Take care of him for his basic needs. He can do it for himself and is demonstrating it from very firm and hard won boundaries.

* Stop contorting my reality to justify his brokenness as if it is normal and I am okay or justified in staying. THIS is the biggest relief of a burden for me that I didn't even see until now.

That is huge. I do feel like I am at the first - I think he knows his boundaries and has switched from needing me to tell him what to do, to figuring out his boundaries are his own and help him stay a man of integrity. As for the second, I'm not there yet. I'm stuck in my narratives. I thank you for sharing your journey as it helps to know that there are so many possibilities that seem daunting to me right now.

Crappy night for me last night. Figured out as I was going to sleep that my son has been talking on the phone until 1 am some nights (probably with a girl) and that he had taken one of my old phones to use past his "downtime" that I set so that he can't be ON his phone. I walked in and asked for the phone and he lied to my face, saying that he didn't know what I was talking about (I had seen the phone a few weeks ago cleaning). I told him that I couldn't stand being lied to and then burst into tears. He came in to apologize a few minutes later and I know he knows he messed up as he was ridiculously respectful this morning (he actually thanked me for waking him up). It was just the last straw on a crap-filled few days. Feeling broken and hopeless. Feeling like I am not worthy in anyone's eyes of respect. WH and I tried taking a walk last night, but I don't even have anything to say. I'm at the point where I don't want to talk about the A because I'm so emotional about it right now. I also don't want to pretend. So I'm in this weird state of not talking and not thinking. I'd like to crawl into my closet with a bottle of wine and a mindless game on my phone and just stay there indefinitely. WH doesn't even know what to say and my depressive state is not helping him feel optimistic about our future either. I'm so lonely but I just can't go to him for support because he's not safe to me anymore and honestly, I'm still so mad at him that I don't want to forgive him in any way or let him feel good or at peace either. How shitty is that of me?

I hope you all have a good day today in spite of thehands we got dealt. We are all strong, we are all amazing, we are all resilient, even if we lose sight of it sometimes.

[This message edited by TX1995 at 9:45 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

He was a "yes" man. He went along with whatever I wanted. He didn't voice a strong opinion or passion or desire. He was just along for the ride. I gave up deep, meaningful conversations. I gave up sharing hopes, dreams, passions. I settled for someone who seemed to be like a good hearted person, but didn't share the same core values as me. That was the biggest mistake.

Oh man this hit me... Describes my douchehole to a T. I am so sorry Coco.

Whenever I do settle with someone else, those deep conversations and passions and all that will be a prerequisite for any sort of relationship. I won't ever fucking settle again.

I still don't know how much of the mask was intentional and how much was wishful thinking on his part. I almost think that he wanted to be who he pretended to be for me, so it was self-delusion. Then again, I realize he probably cheated the whole relationship, so maybe it was intentional to keep me fooled. Either way, he's a fucked up mess and I don't want any part of it.

double post

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 10:24 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

Dee - I'm sure that no one wants to admit to being a sex addict and drug addict, so I'd guess the mask was what he wanted but failed at being authentically able to do.

As far as settling, I thought more about this...settling for someone who leaves dirty clothes on the floor is different than settling for someone who when you ask what they are thinking, always says NOTHING or Oh, just thinking about this problem at work. My WH NEVER and I mean NEVER had a thought about a negative emotion that he shared. In going through IC he actually almost never HAD thoughts about negative emotions. It went: have bad feeling, don't like that feeling, push it down, pretend things are fine, make a joke, have a drink, answer emails, mow the lawn, fold clothes, pay bills, masturabte or have sex, flirt with a woman, feel better. Seriously. He didn't know how to allow himself to have feelings.

I think the red flag is when you see that they are lacking emotional depth - or the wherewithal to discuss it, and you let it slide because everything else looks good on paper. In other words, Dee, your "are you pretending to be a good person but are an actual fucking piece of shit under there" is a good barometer.

My WH still has problems connecting with and feeling his own negative emotions. It's easier for him to focus on MY negative feelings and feel bad for me, than it is to sit in his own guilt, shame, sadness or anxiety. He's learning, but it's a process. One I did not realize we needed to start 23 years ago so that he wouldn't need to stick his pnis in a strange vagina to pretend like the self-inflicted negative feelings about his own self-worth did not exist.