Y'all move so fast. I want to go back and respond to GMC's awesome post the other day, and I will but first....
SpeedBump - I would personally do a bumble thing or get introduced to someone through a friend. This sounds crude, but sometimes a BOB just can't compete with a dick. It's true.
Northern - I would like to punch your WH in the face. For real. What an asshat. The only redeeming thing he did in that conversation was to tell you the truth and let you know what you are dealing with. Now you can make a decision about the next move you make. I am SO incredibly sorry that is where you are. Huge hugs to you.
BBE - Ugh. Court dates are looming. Keep us posted. I think of you often.
GMC - I really think you and I have the same brain. I had that thought about Strangers on A Train (and then saw you mention it a week or so ago in a thread and forget to say something then). I really feel like there should be a spreadsheet out there so we can out strangers. My BFF actually works in the same field as the cOWhore and would happily out her, though my BFF is much brighter and accomplished (alone without fucking her bosses) and works for larger corporations in larger markets. BUT she'd be happy to make some connections and ask around if I gave the word. We need a LinkedIn for betrayed spouses....
I haven't told my very best friend of 20 years. She knows we had problems 4 years ago and that WH was unhappy and going through a midlife crisis. She was sooooo mad at him for that. I can't tell her about the affair because I truly don't think she will ever forgive him. Our families are all best friends (husbands are best friends, kids are best friends). I don't want to ruin that.
Like GMC, I have a really hard time not being authentic. Having this huge secret has definitely had a HUGE impact on my friendships and how much I isolate. My very best friend in the world knows about the physical A. As does my sister. My sister won't talk to my WH right now willingly (though she's not rude to him - he's an asshole who watched HER go through the A of her WH three years before his A and then did it to her sister.) My best friend has known my WH as long as I have - over 25 years. She was as floored as I was - she called him the "choir boy". She was the first person I called after I found out, hysterical. Both DDays. There's no way I could have survived without SOMEONE knowing, and the fact that she supports me 100% no matter what and doesn't judge (she was the WW in her marriage), is a huge gift. Now it does help that she lives out of state and is not associated with my every day life. My best friends here have no clue. (One knows about DDay 1 and the kiss but I never told her about DDay 2). It's just too hard with the way people share with their spouses (I would expect it) and the small community we live in. I hope you find someone to share with IRL Daisy. As valuable as this community is, it's also good to be known in the real world.
GMC - Interesting to hear there is going to be a mix of neurofeeback and EMDR? It does sound like you have a great therapist though, so I am really glad you seem to have a good plan.
I think my bar was pretty low too - it's been interesting to think seriously about WHY I picked my WH. He's not as conventionally good-looking as my past boyfriends, he's not as flowery/romantic/artistically inclined (which I love and am a sucker for). I truly picked him because he was an incredible safe choice. He came from a "good" family. He was driven and had a fantastic work ethic. He was religious. He was organized, detail-oriented, and methodical - all things I was NOT. I felt like we just FIT. I didn't ever pretend he was anything but what he was. I knew I was giving up romance. I knew I was giving up spontaneity. I knew I was giving up the idea that my husband would want to hang out at the arts festival or go to a play. I thought it was a good trade for security and someone who adored me. Fat lot of good that did me. Fucker didn't deserve me and I settled for his shortcomings. That is what pisses me off. He sold himself, the world and me a bill of goods and was in reality a piece of shit who only wanted what the world could give him.
It sounds like you and your WH and having some fruitful discussions. It's got to be nice to know that in your time apart he is actually trying to work on himself. I hope progress continues there.
Those daydreams about the OWs are so satisfying. If only we could bring some to fruition. But alas I think you are right in that most OWs are just POS people that wouldn't care.
WH and I are working through my FISHBOWL of questions. We did about 8 on Friday afternoon. They took me down for the rest of the weekend. I think though, that he is beginning to see the truth about "loving" me during his A and even pre-A. He loved what I did for him. Once she came into the picture, I was not needed for work conversation or ego kibbles. Just sex and taking care of kids. And when *I* didn't want sex as often as he did, he took the sex she offered because it came with kibbles and "feeling" wanted. I was still good for kids and house and social stuff though. It sucks to think that you've been with someone for 23 years and out of that there was only 2 that you can really say you were loved - and even those two were built on lies of infidelity. I'm so pissed that he kept that secret with her for two years - and took away the chance for me to confront her. That's I think why I have that daydream about the conference. I want to make her feel small and meaningless like she helped my husband make me feel.
The one good moment out of the fishbowl conversation was that he expressed how gross she was and how gross the whole affair made him feel. He reiterated what he has said before - that he now views the affair and his entire relationship with her as extremely negative. We also determined that his emotional A started over 2 years prior to the physical stuff, and the first time he realized something was wrong and started hiding his relationship with her and intentionally withholding information from me regarding her, was almost a year before things turned physical. Prior to that he liked to say he really didn't know that things were "more than friends". But admitted that he took a work road trip with her solo and consciously did not tell me - because he knew it would make me uncomfortable and he didn't want to "get in trouble". He really liked her telling him how funny, smart, and amazing he was and didn't want it to end.
I seriously don't know why we stay with these assholes. We always deserved so much better.
I'm going to have a glass of wine before bed, ladies. I really hate my choices. Stay with a person who did this. Or ruin my children's lives AND my own. Or of course option 3 is to stay here and never have sex with him again and treat him like a roommate - which is exactly what he feared before his A. Welcome to your prophecy fulfilled you jackwad!!
Happy Fucking Sunday! And apologies to anyone I missed, I do read through and think of you all!
[This message edited by TX1995 at 9:01 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]