Newest Member: Saltishealing


Me: BS, 41 / Him: SAWH, 43 2 children ages 7 and 9 “The truth is still blurry but the lies are getting clearer”

Financial ? re:staying marital home vs moving

Quick question for those smarter financially than me.

We owe $300 on our marital home. Our home would sell for around $700. Most homes in our city are selling for above $700 or more.

We co-own a rental property which is being sold. Town houses are selling for 600 +. Our friends who we bought it with are layed off and need to sell.

My husband is looking into buying our friends out of the rental but doesn’t think he can do it unless my income and name is also on that mortgage too.

Is this a good idea or viable option to put my name on it too?

This would leave me with the marital home and him with a townhouse. Both would be in our names.

Mortgage is about $1700-1800 a month. Rent would be the same for much less. If we sell, neither one of us could afford to buy a house for $700+ or even a townhouse for $600+. Apartments rent would be $1600-1800 anyhow.

The cost of living here is impossible. Am I better to try and stay in the marital home paying a mortgage or paying rent somewhere else. Is it worth putting my income and name on the townhouse so he can buy it? It would get him out of the marital home by March 1st if I did.

[This message edited by Somber at 12:13 PM, February 5th (Friday)]

22 comments posted: Friday, February 5th, 2021

To mediate or not to mediate

I’m not sure how to proceed.

I spoke with a lawyer today who recommended mediation. I expressed my concerned about my spouses manipulations and pathological lying. He explained that mediators are very well trained for this and I can mention that in a meeting to be taken into consideration.

Any thoughts?

Also to vent....I flippin hate the consequences that come with all this!!! Despite my spouses addictions, he is still entitled to 50/50 with the kids. Past behaviour can be used to request his sobriety while the children are in his care. This would be included in the separation agreement. That same past behaviour doesn’t change much though. He has driven drunk with the kids, picked the kids up from school drunk and high on cocaine, left them home alone...that is enough in my mind. It sounds like they can be seen as ‘one off’s’ and as long as going forward he proves to be fit then all is good!

So I have to wait for something bad to happen while they are in his care to make any stronger request for more custody. Unfair, stupid! I hate it.

11 comments posted: Monday, January 18th, 2021

Child access schedule - shift worker

Just curious to some schedules others have in place for shift workers?

I currently work days and very limited weekends (casual on call). My spouse works 24hour shifts, different days each week. Usually part of 2 weekends in a row, then 2 weekends off in a row.

I want my kids full time obviously, who wouldn’t. I strongly support my children’s time with their Dad as I know it’s best for long as he is sober.

We have many issues to work out yet. He is an alcoholic, sex addict, high risk behaviours, impulsive, has drove drunk with kids at one point, has drank while kids are in his care (luckily I’m always home at supper).

Since I told him I want to separate on New Year’s Eve, he has been white knuckling it and not drinking...feeling rather sad for himself and is staying in the basement. Previously, a lawyer told me as long as he can prove to be sober with the kids he will be granted time with them. Best case scenario, he white knuckles it for his time with them...really the best case would be rehab again but that’s out of my control! Finally seeing what I can and can’t control here.

I’m just trying to grasp ideas of schedules to feel better about my options. I strongly want to fight for at least 60/40 split, he wouldn’t have to pay more $ but I would have more time, even just one more day is worth it.

I feel that a routine will be difficult with his schedule but I could manage it with mine. However, my options for full time work in the near future may include shift work again myself. For today, even for the next year at least, I’m sure I can manage days and extra day shifts only.

Any schedule ideas? Or even schedule parenting apps that you use?


3 comments posted: Monday, January 11th, 2021

Emergency injunction for custody?

Anyone have information on obtaining an emergency injunction for custody?

Briefly, my spouse is an alcoholic and sex addict. Not only has he been know to drink in excess while with the children, he has also been bringing affair partners in our home during this pandemic! We are in grey zone lockdown too. He had my mom watch the children while a worked the other day so that he can have an affair partner in our marital home!

I can only prove some of this from screen shots of his texts. I don’t think this holds up in court.

2 years ago, I made a complaint with CAS about his driving drunk with our children. No police involved but a file opened. Around that same time he left our 6 year old child home alone with strep throat while he was around the corner getting drunk in a garage. I only have my word for this and perhaps a friends word whom I called.

He has a DUI from before children though. I have a screen shot of a text to friends bragging about picking the kids up from school fucked up: x amount of beer and 2 lines of coke.

Any ideas on my chances or the process??

[This message edited by Somber at 5:53 PM, January 1st (Friday)]

5 comments posted: Friday, January 1st, 2021

Free 30 minutes with lawyer, what to ask?

Okay so it seems no one around here gives free consults.

I’m looking at $300/hour for family collaborative lawyer and $500/hour for senior family lawyer recommended by a friend. Both rates are outrageous to me, are these normal rates???

I can do a free 30 minute telephone session with a family law lawyer or assistant?? It is through the law society.

I don’t qualify for free counsel at the courts.

So with 30 minutes only, what are some questions I should ask?

If it helps for some background info: married 11 years, own a house, boat and 2 vehicles, have 2 children 7&9, my spouse struggles with addictions (alcohol primarily the one affecting the kids). I work part time but have the ability to go full time in a year or two (when few staff members retire), he works full time and makes more money. I have chosen part time since the kids were born to accommodate the family needs.

[This message edited by Somber at 6:35 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)]

14 comments posted: Tuesday, December 15th, 2020

What is age appropriate responses?

My children are 7 and 9. What are age appropriate responses shall we separate? How do I protect them and their sense of safety and security?

I know it will backfire to be too honest as my spouse won’t take responsibility for his actions causing the end of our marriage. Instead, he will blame me saying Mommy doesn’t want to be married anymore, not me”

I expect a lot of behavioural immature responses from him, so how do I keep my head up? Protect my kids? Respect the age appropriate needs?

I was thinking along the lines of stating that married couples make promises and some of those promises have been broken. When that happens sometimes Mommy’s and Daddy’s chose to be friends instead of being married.

I have no idea and he will never agree with anything I suggest. In fact, I find it absolutely impossible to have a normal

Mature conversation about the status of our marriage at all. In fact, right now I am suffering from day 3 of the silent treatment by sharing my opinion about our marriage.

I would like to suggest a separation after Christmas but know that won’t come easy. He will make it difficult but also mix it up

With a bunch of love bombing and promises.

2 comments posted: Wednesday, December 2nd, 2020

Recovering instagram messages


I am confused as to why I still need more evidence but here I am upgrading my membership to try to find ways to search for more. It consumes me and I can not wait for the day I feel I am no longer living a lie and drowning in mistrust.

Here goes, I have access to my WH's Instagram account which he is unaware of. He has hidden it from his cell phone so it is no longer visible in his apps. In fact, he told me he was no longer on it. I check in on it every once in a while, sometimes too much. I often see bits of messages to other women. Some obvious flirting and some perhaps less obvious or innocent. Most often, he deletes messages immediately and while in midst of messaging. He is a damn pro!

I even just got a simple period left (.) and saw greyed out messages disappear before my eyes. I get that he is messaging other women still so why the hell do I even bother! But one of these women is a friend of mine and another a cousin....I need to know if they are inappropriate in any way. I am so sick of being made a fool of!

Kindly, does anyone have any simple ideas how I can recover these messages??

Thanks for your time.

5 comments posted: Friday, March 1st, 2019

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