Newest Member: Notarunnerup

Somber

Me: BS, 41 / Him: SAWH, 43 2 children ages 7 and 9 “The truth is still blurry but the lies are getting clearer”

Strategies for difficult personalities?

Phew it’s been a week of ups and downs in communication with my newly separated husband.

He has been twice told he has borderline personality disorder, sex addict and alcoholic. Awaiting possible mandated 30 day rehab through work. That being said, he is also highly functional, charming, manipulative, etc. Hard to believe but he is so charasmatic, many would have a hard time believing all this.

Last weekend he lied about working and wasn’t around for the kids. I confronted him now a week later, he denied even with hard evidence as me seeing him watering his lawn on the day he was to be working. No surprise as his denial has strongly been effective in gaslighting me many times before. An hour later, he admits it. Then he plays heavy the victim. Poor him, going through so much, thought it was easier to lie, feels so lonely, add this to his list of embarrassments and shame….on and on. An Hour later text again that we shouldn’t be so selfish, our son is struggling, we should work on our marriage, etc…few hours later sends a song. I waited a week to tell him as I am sick of being lied to and manipulated and I expect this now. I avoid these conversations with him now mostly as they don’t lead anywhere productive.

His first text, I felt compelled to reply and make him feel better/less guilty/less in pain. I always have taken that role to comfort him when he acts like this despite it being his actions leading him here. I chose to grey rock and not respond!

The following text about us reconciling (I mean the guy just lied the weekend before, still actively involved with other women and awaiting rehab for his drinking) I just replied that I had no words for him right now. Direct and boring. The song text I ignored.

This weekend he is around more with the kids…perhaps guilt set in. He asks when to come by, I don’t respond right away and he then sends a snarky text. Then asks if I want a coffee, I decline and he sends an eye roll emoji. He sees our engagement photos are gone and has a snarky comment about that. He is at a baseball game with our son now. Our son sees him talking to another woman (a mutual friend apparently) and our son gets very upset. He just used this as an example of what ‘we’ are doing to our son. How heartbreaking it is for us to separate and do this to him. Then sends another text saying how mortified he was! HE not a care or concern expressed about how our poor son is. Our son who saw many things on Dad’s phone and sadly at 9 is fully aware that is dad cheated for over a year now. Which he lied about to our son when he told us that he knew.

I sealed my own driveway this week. When he came after school to spend time with the kids, his response was I would have done that. You are making me look like a delinquent. Who saw you doing it.

Today he mowed my lawn while my daughter and I took off. He was spending time with our son. I don’t mind his help when it’s helpful but it’s alwAys how it looks to others to him.


(We don’t have a set child access schedule yet…that has been okay as I feel I have had control and have had them most of the time. He visits or takes them for hours, the odd sleepover and otherwise they are with boring predictable me….that will

Be the next step…but I worry this will force more scheduled time with him.) When he is up for it and spends time with them, overall it’s been okay.

It’s hard to fully explain to others the insanity in how it feels to navigate this type of person. I feel constantly on egg shells but less since He moved out. Perhaps others can read through this and see…it’s playing the victim, attempts to guilt me into staying, neglectful and out doing whatever he wants, rude texts within minutes of kind texts, mood swings, ups and downs. So unpredictable.

I grey rock! Anything else?

My whole day was ruined yesterday with his communication. Even though I didn’t respond, it affected my whole day and I had a very difficult emotional and high anxiety day.

47 comments posted: Saturday, September 18th, 2021

Helping kids process infidelity

Not sure where to post this but looking for advice in helping kids process infidelity.

My 9 year old son has been having anxiety lately. He nervously shared with my that my husband is on Tinder. He googled it and knows it’s a dating site. He also admitted that he has seen lots of messages to other people that aren’t me. He said he has known for a year now about Dad’s cheating. What a load for him to carry!!! That alone breaks my heart.
My son wants me to tell my husband so he will understand why sometimes he is mean to his Dad. He has asked if this is why we are divorcing. He shared that he thinks it wasn’t me who wanted a divorce and he is sad for me. He then cried forever and told me how much he loves and trusts me. He says he knows he can tell me anything but that it was really hard. He didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

Phew. I’m heartbroken. We have officially told the kids we are separating a month ago. We expressed that it was because of adult problems only, nothing they did, etc. I researched for months and think we did it the right way, not placing blame, being respectful, summarizing it to adult problems and then lots of reassurance and love for them.

I had no idea my son was carrying this burden. He also said maybe it’s just been since you are not living together…he is trying to put pieces together and make sense of it all. He wants us to be together again.

So far, I reassured him that I’m okay and we will all be okay. I praised him in his strength and honesty. I told him our separation had to do with adult problems and he didn’t need to worry about them. Again reassurance, lots of love and well bug hugs and tears from us both.

I don’t know how much to admit, how much to share or how to help him process this. Any advice would be appreciated.

25 comments posted: Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

Quick answer, do I reply to former OW?

This is all seems so trivial but here I am wondering if I should reply? I’m thinking no but I’m so mad.

Okay so, update for those that know my story- last straw of serial infidelity around New Years. Newly separated, however nothing formal as of yet but it’s working for now.

One OW lives around the corner. She has 3 routes she can take to leave her home. She continues to drive past our house or walk her dog past our home multiple times a week. I avoid her at best and carry on best I can. I’ve never addressed her affair with my husband with her but she knows I know. She is in her early 20’s. I would expect her to avoid me as well and avoid my home out of the bare minimum respect. One day, when my kids weren’t with me and she drove by again, I gave her the finger. This was 2 months ago. Last week I kinda cut her off on my a street as I turned into my home...that’s it.

Today she messages me saying she doesn’t feel safe in her neighbourhood and if I continue to harass her she will call the police! Then saying she has nothing to do with my husband and asks me to leave her alone.

Seriously wtf!!! You slept with my husband for years, her choice. She continues to pass my home, her choice! I don’t like her is to be expected and flipped her the finger once. Big deal. Otherwise, I avoid her, keep to myself, bite my tongue and remain as dignified as I can. I’ve never confronted her and out of respect for her parents whom I know, I leave her be.

Thoughts?

I’m confident there is nothing incriminating whatsoever about my behaviour. I’m not threatened or feel worried. I’m shocked at her inflated accusations and threats. I don’t know how to or if I should respond. I just want this endless string of crap from his betrayals to end!

23 comments posted: Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

Financial ? re:staying marital home vs moving

Quick question for those smarter financially than me.

We owe $300 on our marital home. Our home would sell for around $700. Most homes in our city are selling for above $700 or more.

We co-own a rental property which is being sold. Town houses are selling for 600 +. Our friends who we bought it with are layed off and need to sell.

My husband is looking into buying our friends out of the rental but doesn’t think he can do it unless my income and name is also on that mortgage too.

Is this a good idea or viable option to put my name on it too?

This would leave me with the marital home and him with a townhouse. Both would be in our names.

Mortgage is about $1700-1800 a month. Rent would be the same for much less. If we sell, neither one of us could afford to buy a house for $700+ or even a townhouse for $600+. Apartments rent would be $1600-1800 anyhow.

The cost of living here is impossible. Am I better to try and stay in the marital home paying a mortgage or paying rent somewhere else. Is it worth putting my income and name on the townhouse so he can buy it? It would get him out of the marital home by March 1st if I did.

[This message edited by Somber at 12:13 PM, February 5th (Friday)]

22 comments posted: Friday, February 5th, 2021

To mediate or not to mediate

I’m not sure how to proceed.

I spoke with a lawyer today who recommended mediation. I expressed my concerned about my spouses manipulations and pathological lying. He explained that mediators are very well trained for this and I can mention that in a meeting to be taken into consideration.

Any thoughts?

Also to vent....I flippin hate the consequences that come with all this!!! Despite my spouses addictions, he is still entitled to 50/50 with the kids. Past behaviour can be used to request his sobriety while the children are in his care. This would be included in the separation agreement. That same past behaviour doesn’t change much though. He has driven drunk with the kids, picked the kids up from school drunk and high on cocaine, left them home alone...that is enough in my mind. It sounds like they can be seen as ‘one off’s’ and as long as going forward he proves to be fit then all is good!

So I have to wait for something bad to happen while they are in his care to make any stronger request for more custody. Unfair, stupid! I hate it.

11 comments posted: Monday, January 18th, 2021

Child access schedule - shift worker

Just curious to some schedules others have in place for shift workers?

I currently work days and very limited weekends (casual on call). My spouse works 24hour shifts, different days each week. Usually part of 2 weekends in a row, then 2 weekends off in a row.

I want my kids full time obviously, who wouldn’t. I strongly support my children’s time with their Dad as I know it’s best for them...as long as he is sober.

We have many issues to work out yet. He is an alcoholic, sex addict, high risk behaviours, impulsive, has drove drunk with kids at one point, has drank while kids are in his care (luckily I’m always home at supper).

Since I told him I want to separate on New Year’s Eve, he has been white knuckling it and not drinking...feeling rather sad for himself and is staying in the basement. Previously, a lawyer told me as long as he can prove to be sober with the kids he will be granted time with them. Best case scenario, he white knuckles it for his time with them...really the best case would be rehab again but that’s out of my control! Finally seeing what I can and can’t control here.

I’m just trying to grasp ideas of schedules to feel better about my options. I strongly want to fight for at least 60/40 split, he wouldn’t have to pay more $ but I would have more time, even just one more day is worth it.

I feel that a routine will be difficult with his schedule but I could manage it with mine. However, my options for full time work in the near future may include shift work again myself. For today, even for the next year at least, I’m sure I can manage days and extra day shifts only.

Any schedule ideas? Or even schedule parenting apps that you use?

Thanks

3 comments posted: Monday, January 11th, 2021

Emergency injunction for custody?

Anyone have information on obtaining an emergency injunction for custody?

Briefly, my spouse is an alcoholic and sex addict. Not only has he been know to drink in excess while with the children, he has also been bringing affair partners in our home during this pandemic! We are in grey zone lockdown too. He had my mom watch the children while a worked the other day so that he can have an affair partner in our marital home!

I can only prove some of this from screen shots of his texts. I don’t think this holds up in court.

2 years ago, I made a complaint with CAS about his driving drunk with our children. No police involved but a file opened. Around that same time he left our 6 year old child home alone with strep throat while he was around the corner getting drunk in a garage. I only have my word for this and perhaps a friends word whom I called.

He has a DUI from before children though. I have a screen shot of a text to friends bragging about picking the kids up from school fucked up: x amount of beer and 2 lines of coke.

Any ideas on my chances or the process??

[This message edited by Somber at 5:53 PM, January 1st (Friday)]

5 comments posted: Friday, January 1st, 2021

Free 30 minutes with lawyer, what to ask?

Okay so it seems no one around here gives free consults.

I’m looking at $300/hour for family collaborative lawyer and $500/hour for senior family lawyer recommended by a friend. Both rates are outrageous to me, are these normal rates???

I can do a free 30 minute telephone session with a family law lawyer or assistant?? It is through the law society.

I don’t qualify for free counsel at the courts.

So with 30 minutes only, what are some questions I should ask?

If it helps for some background info: married 11 years, own a house, boat and 2 vehicles, have 2 children 7&9, my spouse struggles with addictions (alcohol primarily the one affecting the kids). I work part time but have the ability to go full time in a year or two (when few staff members retire), he works full time and makes more money. I have chosen part time since the kids were born to accommodate the family needs.

[This message edited by Somber at 6:35 AM, December 15th (Tuesday)]

14 comments posted: Tuesday, December 15th, 2020

What is age appropriate responses?

My children are 7 and 9. What are age appropriate responses shall we separate? How do I protect them and their sense of safety and security?

I know it will backfire to be too honest as my spouse won’t take responsibility for his actions causing the end of our marriage. Instead, he will blame me saying Mommy doesn’t want to be married anymore, not me”

I expect a lot of behavioural immature responses from him, so how do I keep my head up? Protect my kids? Respect the age appropriate needs?

I was thinking along the lines of stating that married couples make promises and some of those promises have been broken. When that happens sometimes Mommy’s and Daddy’s chose to be friends instead of being married.

I have no idea and he will never agree with anything I suggest. In fact, I find it absolutely impossible to have a normal

Mature conversation about the status of our marriage at all. In fact, right now I am suffering from day 3 of the silent treatment by sharing my opinion about our marriage.

I would like to suggest a separation after Christmas but know that won’t come easy. He will make it difficult but also mix it up

With a bunch of love bombing and promises.

2 comments posted: Wednesday, December 2nd, 2020

Supporting an Addict

So this morning my spouse claims he is going to be sober. After a long talk with a friend at work he has chosen to stop drinking. He dumps a bottle of vodka out in front of me and looks pleased.

I wish I could be more supportive but instead I look unimpressed and say that I know that bottle was filled with water. He looks surprised but not shocked that I called him on this and said okay it was meant to be symbolic. There is no alcohol in the house now at all.

His response to my impassive neutral response is a comment that he wishes I could be more supportive about it. He is trying to make a positive change.

While this is true in some manner, I’ve been here before and the positive change is short term. I’m exhausted. I don’t have it in me to be the supportive cheerleader...so what am I instead?

How can I be supportive? No matter the direction of our marriage, I would love to be supportive in helping him with his sobriety. It would be a gift to my children to have a sober father.

Maybe a back story needs more I be inserted here but he is and has been a functioning alcoholic for a long time. He has frequent binges which have lessened over the past year since being to rehab last spring.

I’m at a loss how to deal with the ever changing, unpredictable and helpless cycles of addiction.

9 comments posted: Friday, October 30th, 2020

Recovering instagram messages

Hi,

I am confused as to why I still need more evidence but here I am upgrading my membership to try to find ways to search for more. It consumes me and I can not wait for the day I feel I am no longer living a lie and drowning in mistrust.

Here goes, I have access to my WH's Instagram account which he is unaware of. He has hidden it from his cell phone so it is no longer visible in his apps. In fact, he told me he was no longer on it. I check in on it every once in a while, sometimes too much. I often see bits of messages to other women. Some obvious flirting and some perhaps less obvious or innocent. Most often, he deletes messages immediately and while in midst of messaging. He is a damn pro!

I even just got a simple period left (.) and saw greyed out messages disappear before my eyes. I get that he is messaging other women still so why the hell do I even bother! But one of these women is a friend of mine and another a cousin....I need to know if they are inappropriate in any way. I am so sick of being made a fool of!

Kindly, does anyone have any simple ideas how I can recover these messages??

Thanks for your time.

5 comments posted: Friday, March 1st, 2019

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