SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had to sit next to her.

I would have stood up first. JMO

Hey Puff... you gotta do what feels best for you, not necessarily what is fair for her. It usually all gets sorted out in the end anyway (Divorce). Just keep the high road to make sure you can answer to that handsome bastard in the mirror.

Well, boys, speaking of mid-life crises... mine's been going on for 39 years. This year, I bought myself a brand-spanking new Honda Goldwing so my girl and I can tool around in relative luxury. This past week, I finally took it around the block (the block being Ontario). I rode from Ottawa to Toronto, dropped her off for a flight out of town for work, then continued on to Thunder Bay, then took the northern route out to Timmins and finally back to Ottawa. Felt good to put 3300kms (about 2000 miles) on the odometer! I had to do the first service (at 6400km!) in Thunder Bay, but I have an uncle there, so it was a breeze and a pleasure (he owns two Goldwings).

Back at work for a couple of weeks, then my GF and I will be packing up again and heading for Graceland! From there, we'll ride to Nashville, where I'll meet a couple of my buddies from the west coast for our annual "We're Not Old" ride and she'll fly back home. Once I get back, we'll round up my kids and head out to a lakefront cottage I've rented.

As a side note, my GF's international business trip was a bit of a glitch in my brain - but she doesn't know that. In the end, we're in a good place and I'm secure in the relationship. Besides, if she wanted to fuck around, she doesn't have to travel to do it - and it would catch up to her eventually. Que sera sera, I'm (unfortunately) confident in my ability to survive... and if I had to go through that again, I know EXACTLY what to do and HOW to do it. It sucks that we have to think like this forevermore, doesn't it?

Change -

I'm glad somebody gets to do 39 years of mid-life crisis.

I've said I've got too much responsibility (kids in college) to have a mid-life crisis (ie, buy fancy sports cars, date 21 year olds (I just think of my daughters and it kills that thought ), etc.).

Instead, I train for 18 months to become a volunteer paramedic. My kids tell me I'm doing my mid-life crisis all wrong; I'm supposed to be irresponsible, not responsible...To which I say I could buy a real nice Aston Martin and they can pay their own college...I get crickets.

my GF's international business trip was a bit of a glitch in my brain - but she doesn't know that.

I struggle with this still. When the person I'm dating goes on a trip, or just goes radio silent for a day or two...

Are they seeing someone else? Is it over? Have they been bullshitting me this whole time?

But, like you - I keep that to myself. It's my issue, and it's a holdover/paranoia from my ex-wife's bullshit. Thanks Infidelity!

[This message edited by WornDown at 2:12 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

You're saying there's a chance the mid life crisis has an infinite shelf life? Yeesh. I've been hemorrhaging money for the last 8 months after the first 35 years of my life scrimping and saving to pay off debt and stockpile savings. If my ex could see me now she'd get a rash from the level of hypocrisy on display. Anyone here who's childless who learned how to block the flow of funds to unnecessary but fun bullshit? I'm not too concerned at the moment, but at some point I'm going to want to be fiscally responsible again...

Well, boys, speaking of mid-life crises... mine's been going on for 39 years.

I can't afford a mid-life crisis right now. Is there a time-limit on those?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 5:43 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Anyone here who's childless who learned how to block the flow of funds to unnecessary but fun bullshit?

The best I’ve been able to come up with is redefining unnecessary.

-Fishing gear and boats, necessary, how else would I eat?

-Bike, necessary, my truck just can’t compete with the fuel economy...

-Dirt Bike, necessary, the Victory just doesn’t handle the ditch very well.

-Sled, necessary, the dirt bike just kept getting stuck.

My faith filled and devoted wife and mother to our children began an affair with a man she had known less than 2 months that lasted sexually for 1 year and emotionally for nearly 4 years. It ended I believed for years and then out of the blue, I found communication between them again.Now, I just don't know what is truth and what is fantasy. We are in therapy again and though it appears to be going well, I think TRUST is a thing of the past.

They met in Nov. 1989, became sexually involved in Jan 1990 through Dec. 1999, then just emotionally attached till June 1993. I was assured it never went beyond making out when it was that and a whole lot more...vaginal, oral and anal. I finally got the truth in May 2019. I am beyond angry, hurt and vengeful for years of lying to protect our marriage according to her and now “foggy memories” of what occurred and why.

Hey NiceGuy, I've followed your story around here, and you've got more staying power than I do. I think the worst thing with a situation like yours is that the WW often feels like it's so far in the past, we should just "move on" (fuck, I hate that term). They fail to realize that the cheating JUST HAPPENED for the wayward because we just found out. It's fresh, it's raw and it hurts... starting now. They often also fail to understand why it's so difficult for the BS to trust anything they say. Hang in there, brother.

Well, I'm pretty responsible with money. I have no debt, have never bought a vehicle on credit, and bought the bike in cash. Kids (11, 8) college funds are topped up, performing well.

I've had a motorcycle in my life continuously since I was 9. I have told several women in my life that if they make me choose between my bike and them, I'd go for a ride while they pack up their stuff! It's not macho bullshit, it's just that it makes me happy - it's part of who I am - it would be ridiculous to think I could continue in a relationship with a woman who forced me to give up something that gives me such happiness.

I could do without a bike if I had to... but I don't have to, so Goldwing it is!

I'm also a heavy metal guy... a "phase" that's been going on since 1983 (the first time I heard "Woe to you, oh earth and sea..." on Iron Maiden's Number of the Beast I was lost!). I'm also a (wholly unqualified) musician. So you see, I've been on quite a long mid-life crisis streak!

I'm 75 today. I enjoyed, 30, 40, 50, 60, 65 - I really enjoyed 50 and 65 - but this one has me going around in circles.

I'm just a day older than yesterday, and I don't feel old, but 75 sure sounds old. My 72 year old brother says it IS old, and so is 72. (Mind you, he likes what he does, and he hasn't retired yet.)

I don't know if it's going to affect my behavior much. I hope not.

Age is affecting my behavior in general. I'm actually thinking of paying a bike shop to true my bike's wheels, for example, and I bought a new chain so I can put off cleaning the one I'm using now.

That sort of thing has gone on slowly over the years. We welcomed 2017 at a party that broke up at 2 AM; 2018, it broke up around 1; 2019's party broke up shortly after midnight.

But 75 seems like a milestone. Age seems to take a quantum leap today.

I am, however, going to do my damnedest to maintain the slow deterioration. I'm going to do my damnedest to avoid saying to myself, '75 year olds can't do that.' Because maybe I can, and maybe I can't, but I have to learn to treat age as just a number.

Best bike ride of the year yesterday. My cycling year is just half over. Every year in the past, the more miles I've ridden, the better I ride, so I probably have a bunch more 'best rides of the year' coming at me.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:41 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Happy birthday Sisoon!

sisoon, the fact that you've reached 75 is thoroughly awesome on every conceivable level. My dad just recently turned 79 and I'm grateful for every single year I still have him in my life (mom died shortly after her 65th b-day). The fact that you're still biking, still vibrant, still sharp as a tack is equally awesome.

Having you around SI has been really awesome!

Happy b-day, sir! I hope you have many, many more.

Unhinged

Thanks, guys.

I've always been pretty stoical about end of life, and I've always suspected that would change as I got older. Maybe it's just that I'm finally getting a real sense of mortality.

My faith filled and devoted wife and mother to our children began an affair with a man she had known less than 2 months that lasted sexually for 1 year and emotionally for nearly 4 years. It ended I believed for years and then out of the blue, I found communication between them again.Now, I just don't know what is truth and what is fantasy. We are in therapy again and though it appears to be going well, I think TRUST is a thing of the past.

They met in Nov. 1989, became sexually involved in Jan 1990 through Dec. 1999, then just emotionally attached till June 1993. I was assured it never went beyond making out when it was that and a whole lot more...vaginal, oral and anal. I finally got the truth in May 2019. I am beyond angry, hurt and vengeful for years of lying to protect our marriage according to her and now “foggy memories” of what occurred and why.

Like yours, my fWW is also a churchgoer Christian. She had an affair with the Sunday Scholl minister/ associate pastor. I wouldn't have believed it possible had I not caught her in the act.

The only thing that woke my fWW up was when I smacked he divorce petition on the table in front of her, all signed and stamped and official. That's when the sh*t got real for her. It sounds to me like your WW doesn't get it and expects you to just move on and forget about it.

Why not put a little fear into her by consulting with some attorneys? Won't cost you anything, and it may just show her what she stands to lose if you leave her. I'll bet you it would jog her memory real well if she thinks you are ready to walk.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 2:41 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]

I'm 75 today

Congrats Sisson. I hope I'm half a classy when I get to that milestone.

I'm 75 today.

Sisoon. Happy belated B-day, buddy.

I sometimes forget our age difference (I could have been your youngest son). You write like a 39 year old too

Sisoon,

Happy belated birthday mate! Just remember my mantra: youth and beauty are not accomplishments. Hope all the Menz have a great weekend. Looking forward to some grilling and smoking this weekend. Love smoking pork shoulder (aka Boston Butt).

Love smoking pork shoulder (aka Boston Butt).

I like big Butts, and I can not lie!

How do you know when you’re ready to start another relationship? The fact that I have to ask makes me doubt myself.

Lately I’ve found myself missing the companionship of being “in a relationship”. I miss having someone there. Not talking to anyone when I get home. Cooking for one sucks, and a lot of times I don’t bother. I miss not sleeping alone. And sex, if I can go there…. I miss that. It’s been five years, probably longer truth be told given the frequency or lack thereof in the last 5 years of my so called marriage.

One thing that scares me tho is that I haven’t dated since I was in college in the 80’s. I’m a little out of practice to say the least. In all things relationship-related. Things have surely changed, and I have no idea how it all works anymore.

So, anyway, how do I know that I’m looking for a relationship and not just the wrong reasons? I’m afraid it’s the latter and that’s not just not gonna end well.

Maybe staying single is easier at my age. That was my plan after all.

In other news, I’ve been following along with a German scuba friend (a very talented under-and-above water photographer who puts my attempts to shame) and her family’s RV trip from south-central Germany to Finland. It’s been fun so far (they’re four days in and just got to Finland late last night, their time). They have two small boys and the number of things in their RV that have not had juice spilled on or been peed on while sleeping is fast dwindling.

Sounds like you're ready to me. I think your reasons are quite normal.

(that's assuming I have a handle on normal).

Anyone striking your fancy?

I understand where you're coming from, tbkjcn. Damn, your name is hard to type. I haven't dated anyone different from my WW since the first half of the 1970s. I tried to date my WW during the marriage but, in my mind, that's quite different.

My IC recommended the book "Attached. The New Science Of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - And Keep - Love" by Levine and Heller. I found it very enlightening.

I think it's useful in recognizing behaviours and language when starting new relationships and determining whether to continue or not. I expect it will be bad form to ask questions and then check the book to see where it fits when having a romantic meal. Have to be sneakier about it.

I, too, want a permanent relationship. It will have to be marital. And, it will have to be right or not at all.