I feel like our MC sessions are more like "how's it going" than "here's a plan for you..... Both she and my IC never asked WH if he was telling the truth..... They both kept asking me why I wouldn't believe him....They also both wanted me to stop with my investigation, never realizing that it's the PTSD and LIES that made me continue. Not because I thought it was fun.
Me too. I'm now only seeking folks with trauma focus or sex addiction focus (even tho my WH is probably "borderline" on sex addiction).
At 6 weeks post DDay 1 I was still a pile of snot in the fetal position
Hell, I was still in this position at 6 months (and still get those "code red' triggers every now & again) .
We are 100% on the same page as to wedding rings. He wore that ring whilst touching another woman’s vajayay, so I asked him to take it off. Took him 6 months. I won’t wear mine and don’t want to pass them down either (bad juju). On dday I wasn’t sure where to put mine, so I put them in a bottle of – beano! Yup, the anti gas meds. They are still in there. It seems appropriate.
Coco+5: I’d not listened to the podcast – just searched for it after TX suggestion, so thanks for the cliff notes!
My WH did something similar with DD – but months after dday. He actually TOLD her to tell a lie. And what was even more fucked up was the truth was better for her anyhow! I remember being so slammed by it – like, hey asshat! Have you not learned one single fucking thing here?
I swear our WH’s could be twins – same shit on not saying what he means, etc. Before dday I felt annoyed, but after dday it feels life threatening. It really gets to me – I don’t understand why anyone wants to be married to someone they cannot be honest with. I think they are terrified they are unlovable – so being honest with their thoughts/feelings – EVEN TO THEMSELVES – is like asking them to grow a third arm. And I think that’s why they get so defensive, like they hate themselves for whatever, so they just ASSUME that even the most benign questions must be about attacking / hating them. Or, I could be full of shit.
And feelings? Same stuff. He had to get a feelings chart and instead of embracing it as a way to learn, he pretty much saw it as yet another way he’s a failure. Not helpful.
I gotta say that as time goes on and I am able to gain some clarity and see this shit from a different perspective, I can’t imagine how awful that must be for them. I’m sure compartmentalizing goes a REALLY long way on this front. I’m not so good at compartmentalizing, so it would eat me alive.
It's so hard for me to comprehend that everyone doesn't do that.
I HATE the gender sterotyping that goes on generally - and esp on SI, but I do think this TENDS to be a male thing. Tho I like to think it's changing. I do have men in my life/family who have deep/profound conversations. I used to think I had them with WH.... now I wonder if I was just projecting what I wanted to see in him.
I think I need to start doing stuff for me instead of always waiting around for him. I have to learn to take care of me instead of always worrying about what he is going to think or feel about it. I made him dinner on our anniversary because I didn't want him to feel unloved but he ended up making me feel unloved instead.
THIS. Totally this. 10000000% this.
Gentle suggestion: You say you have ‘forgiven’ him. There’s a great book called “How Can I Forgive You” by Janis Spring (she also wrote “after the affair” which I do NOT recommend). "How Can I Forgive" helped me quite a bit. The actual semantics don’t matter so much, but she differentiates between “acceptance” and “genuine forgiveness”. Acceptance is coming to terms (or a form of forgiveness) w/o any input from the offending party. “Genuine Forgiveness” is EARNED by the offending party. Both can provide the mental health benefits of ‘forgiveness’ that are always flouted about (and she talks about that quite a bit too). There's a chapter for the offending party that discusses the hurt they've caused and has a list of things for them to work on. I got this book from the library (bonus! NOTHING to do with infidelity, so no shame at the counter!) and I liked it so much I bought several used copies. I use things I learned there in lots of places other than my M. It’s one of my top 10 most helpful post dday books.
Wow – I started this post before I read your post from this AM. I am really glad that he came home and opened up to you. That is something my WH still hasn’t really done. I would want to be clear that the list of my wants/needs may change – as you cycle through this rollercoaster - anger may still be on the agenda, and it can be completely overwhelming (frankly, calling it "anger" doesn't cut it... "rage" is better, but for me it was more like red hot blinding rage).
Yesterday went well. Didn't do the stuff I wanted to (like writing thank you letters - and I think he wanted to do that too). It was basically a really good, relaxing day of rugsweeping. And that's Ok. It was a day to allow ourselves to just be together and I'm glad we did. I had some triggering stuff, but managed to remain composed and didn't bring it up to him. His deadline for written timeline is coming up, and trainwreck DD is taking up a fair amount of our emotional bandwidth, so who knows what's ahead.
It's FUCKING beautiful Sunday out there, so I hope I can find some time to be outdoors.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:42 AM, September 15th, 2019 (Sunday)]