SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A place for the betrayed women to discuss issues specific to betrayed wives. We ask that women only post on this thread.

Thank you for this thread, SI Staff!!!

Does anyone else here struggle with the whole "feeling past your prime" thing?

For me, it feels utterly ridiculous to feel this way. I'm in my 30s - but I'm also a mother, have gained extra weight, extra scars (though not from being a mom - from other things), extra wrinkles, a heck of a lot more responsibility with my Lil Silver. And I wouldn't change that for anything - Lil Silver is my favorite person in the whole world.

But compared to my 20s, well, yep I'm past the "prime" that so many guys would consider attractive - which I don't think is solely about looks, but also about lighter baggage and lack of responsibilities. And I know not all guys are like that, but it's definitely shoved down our throats enough. Or maybe it's the lingering psychological effects of having those standards shoved in my face for years. Though funnily enough, back then, I still didn't feel "enough". Dad would say stuff, friends would say stuff, and I let them get to me. That's what makes me mad at myself. I started out with self-confidence and then let everyone else strip it away. Isn't that what makes companies rich? Convince people that they're not enough the way they are, and they'll never run out of customers.

But like with building a muscle, the more I remind myself not to care about those standards - the more I tell myself, "I like me the way I am" - the easier it becomes to cast off the external voices, which in turn affects the internal ones. Or maybe that's backwards. But either way, building self-confidence is possible. And the longer I go at it, the less the external stuff hurts or even matters.

This last weekend was the 5 year anniversary of my Nana's passing. My great-grandmother. When I think of her, I see the most beautiful woman I have ever known. She was 94, and kind, humble, loving, and very independent. She loved nature - weeding by the side of the road, out in the sunlight, sitting by the river and listening to the water rush by, feeding the hummingbirds. She shines in my memories. That's what I value and want to remember. Not the fleeting beauty standards that teach us to seek ego kibbles, instead of building our own gardens inside our hearts.

Anyway, that's my goal. To cultivate that internal garden and spend time there. Be someplace healthy. Anyone else wanna join me and sit in the sunlight together?

Well, this has been my 4:43AM ramble. What's on your minds, fellow SIsters?

Hear you silverhopes.

When I was reading your post I thought of my granddaughter who is six. How fearless and confident she is and pray that she will never be hurt like I have been. That she will never lose or have to hid those gifts.

Intend to do some weeding this weekend. Be thinking of you then.

Heck yes, silverhopes. One of the most jarring things about this whole experience relates to that. I had hit my 40s and married the absolute love of my life. I had self-confidence. I felt attractive. Attractive for my age, sure, but that's cool. I had my fun in my 20s, so it was all good. I was mature, responsible, and pretty much okay with growing older. To find out that my WH had slept with women less than half my age really rocked me. I hadn't expected to be competing with 20-year-olds! I can't compete with 20-year-olds! There is nothing I could do without a time-machine to hold a candle to what I looked like at that age, so WTF?

I used to think of myself kind of like my my 82 Corvette. That's a sexy car and she looks goooood. Put her beside a 2018 Vette and she looks old, but she's a classic and she's still plenty hot. Her electric seats don't work anymore, her passenger side window is starting to resist going down, the glue is leaking out of her steering wheel when it gets too hot, but take the T-tops off and you're going to have a fine day on the road with that gorgeous V8 rumbling smoothly. Try to race a 2018 Vette, and it's gonna leave her in the dust. I didn't know I was gonna be racing 2018 Vettes. Nobody told me I was going to have to worry about that at this point in my life.

So I was really thrown that I'd be in my 40s and in any competition with women in their 20s. I've fought the insecurity and feeling of worthlessness for a year now and I'm getting somewhat better, but I know what you mean. I don't want to be competing with women half my age! I don't want my worth based on my youth and appearance all of my life. Life is about more than the superficial crap. I really thought I was beyond all that, and I had been.

Silver hopes- your great grandmother sounds awesome! I love the sunshine, listening to outdoor sounds and the small beautiful things in life. I agree, I feel past my prime. I’ve gotten to a better point of caring about my inside versus outside but it’s hard for females.

Goldie- I even feel that way when I look at my son. He feels good about himself, confident, outgoing, I wish the world didn’t have to crush their happy spirits.

Dee- that’s tough! Oddly my h cheated with random people , not even younger or better looking than me and it still hit my self confidence hard. To me I felt like he wanted “different” or “new” and I can never be that. It’s always going to be the same ole boring me. How I can ever compete with different? Ugh. Infidelity hits each of us to the core and crushes our feelings and acceptance of ourselves.

I don't have the past the prime thing. Will be 50 in 2018. I still turn heads, I still get compliments, I still get hit on, I can pass for someone a decade younger. I am voluptuous and curvy, but am tall. I have hips, boobs and a tiny waist. I can rock a 2 piece. I own my self.

I have a heart of gold, am loyal, volunteer, bake cookies, steam clean carpets and wear a pink sparkly thong while doing it.

I help with math homework, fix most boo-boos, can tighten screws, hammer nails, am a wiz with a roll of duct tape and would still send him to bed with a smile.

My hair is blonde. My complexion clear. I love make up and dress stylishly. I am built like a 40s pin up girl. I've been called stunningly beautiful.

I'm the quintessential model on your arm, chef in the kitchen, maid in the living room, and "lady - wink wink " in the bedroom.

People - even strangers - tell WH what a lucky guy he is. They tell him he has the perfect wife. They ask what he did to get someone like me.

I'm a BASGU [bad a** sparkly goddess unicorn]. I know it. WH knows it. Everyone who meets me knows it.

As for the car analogy - I'm a classic car with amazing tail fins and painted an exotic color. Older, dated and everyone turns to look. And worth a fortune!

And here I am on the Betrayed Womenz Thread.

AP was my age, shorter, heavier, always available and far more exciting.

They always affair down ladies. They always affair down.

I'm so glad this thread was started.

I can relate to starting to feel past my prime physically at least. For the most part I'm fine with how my body looks considering what three large babies does to a body. But I still get mad and feel like I wasted my child free years with WH. Not that I would ever give my kids up but I feel like I shared that part of my life's journey with an asshole who used it, made empty promises and now that we're in the hard work phase of life, he wants to go off and play. Although ironically with an older woman whose kids are grown and out of the house.

I have to keep reminding myself that what made me awesome in my 20s still makes me awesome now. Most was not centered around how I looked, more around what I could do and still can!

Chaos- good for you, you have self confidence!

Gablestitch- who they pick to affair with is crazy. I don’t hear too many women talking about their h’s had “better” APs. It still doesn’t make it any easier though. In fact, it makes you wonder so many things- how our h’s can like gross or “worse” people than us, they don’t care about anything but the sexual part?, just questions after questions. Crazy making. Ugh

I look at it this way:

In order to "have an A", you have to be broken, have lost your integrity and thrown your morals and values out the window. So, you would have to find an AP that is just as crappy as you are, or in some cases, even worse.

That's why they always A down. A healthy, strong, morally intact person wouldn't get involved with a married person.

Wow Evertrying I had never thought of th APs in that light before. Thanks!

Every thg- good point

I feel very past my prime at times. I know I’m attractive, but I’m not ten years younger with the abs of someone who has never had children. But then every time I start to feel like he affaired up looks wise, I remember that his AP is a total train wreck behavior and personality wise. I mean, you’d have to be to think you’re entitled to sleep with a married man. Trash in a pretty package is still trash. And her hard living and poor choices will catch up to her eventually.

I mean, we all get old and our tits sag and our faces crease eventually, right? It all evens out in the end, except I’ll have my dignity and integrity too.

I look great on the outside. I still get hit on, I'm always guessed for much younger, etc etc. The AP was five years younger than me and way wrinklier, less curvy, "had to wear makeup to look good" in her own opinion, so on and so forth.

This doesn't really help me. Looks fade. Every one gets old. Everyone's body eventually deteriorates. When I am 80 and I look 70...what difference will that make really? (basically I agree with everything Adaira said)

I know my insides are beautiful in ways her's can't be because I am respectful and kind to others.

The thing that ate me up inside was thoughts that my husband may have preferred her company because she held a higher degree than me with a higher earning potential. Or because she was thinner (even if she was not as shapely).The thought that he had came to expect I would just wait for him no matter what.

But I am past that now, I know I am great inside and out and I know my husband is well aware that our marriage can and will end with further disrespect.

(Also, guess who has a higher earning potential now?)

I have been tending to my inner garden and that definitely helps me to keep my confidence up.

Silverhopes

I certainly feel that way. FWH PA was with a 25 year old and I was 48. I felt completely sick and was destroyed because I was menopausal and suddenly felt old and useless. He had had 2 EAs before with much younger women. One was 22 and the other 24. That had started 3 years before the PA and had one ho after another. The first EA really really cut me deeply and I had a mental breakdown but was able to keep it together since he got laid off. The second EA was with a coworker at the second job which he was also laid off. Unfortunately she was friends with me so I had no clue until the PA where he compared the 2 relationships.

That just about tore me to shreds but I had to be the stable one since he lost his job 3rd time. And this time I know his affair contributed to it. All I can say is during menopause all I could think was that he kept looking for vitality that I no longer could give. I was suicidal for over a year afterwards and I was cutting for 2 years to deal with my pain. I figured he couldn’t stand me so I would deform my physical form as a tribute to myself. I had lost so much weight but then in the last 4 years gained it back taking care of his health. Now he’s healthy and exercising but I have no desire to be fit. I’m done mentally and physically.

So I hear ya girl but remember you are still young. You can start again and be happy. You are worth it. Even if I had left 15 years ago when he started his shot I could have had a better life. Don’t throw it away.

[This message edited by Hurtbeyondtime at 1:16 AM, July 30th (Monday)]

Yes, feeling way past my prime at 55 and going for a breast lift.

I don't care that he tells me I'm still beautiful; I'm not feeling it and want this for myself.

I mean, we all get old and our tits sag and our faces crease eventually, right? It all evens out in the end, except I’ll have my dignity and integrity too.

Truth, Adaira. I had my better-looking thinner days and those were loads of fun. I never slept with a married man. I got to be my young cutest self and keep my dignity and integrity intact.

The main thing is that we take good care of ourselves and show ourselves a lot of love for the rest of our lives. We're wise enough to enjoy the little things more now.

Any helpful hints for those of us who are having body image issues?

AP is only 8 months younger, has no children and outweighs me by 100 pounds or so.

I can't change clothes in front of WH because he's called me fat & said he didn't want to see me undressed - before I lost a lot of weight. He says he doesn't remember, but I do. Wasn't a big deal until after the A.

Yes leafields I got you.

And I'm going to give it to you straight.

YOU are in control of your body image. Not WH. Not AP. You.

You know how you used to feel pre A? Do that stuff now. And look in mirror and repeat after me "I am leafields. I am amazing. I am awesome. I am worthy." I want you to hold your head high, square your shoulders and walk into every room like you own it.

I want you to use the shower gel and lotion you save for special occasions. Use it every day. You are your own special occasion. Wear whatever undies make you feel invincible. Deep condition your hair. Exfoliate your skin. If make up is your thing - DO IT. And use the good stuff - again - you are your own special occasion. If not, take time to moisturize and SPF [do this even if you do make up]. Wear the sparky undies, head turning outfit and boots made for walking.

I know, it is hard. I get it. Trust me. And I'm sending hugs. But you know what, it gets easier every time. Pretty soon you'll know no other way.

There is no more liberating feeling that reclaiming yourself.

And my advice goes for any height, weight, etc. YOU reclaim beautiful amazing you. There is nothing more beautiful than a woman comfortable in her own skin.

As for changing clothes in front of WH... You change clothes wherever the Hell you want and feel bad a** doing it. WH can watch or not [and if he chooses not that's his freaking loss]. When you are done, toss your awesome hair over your awesome shoulders and carry about your day.

edited to make sure your name was in bold just like you deserve

[This message edited by Chaos at 2:28 PM, July 31st (Tuesday)]