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Once married, my H put me in a mother role. We didn't even have kids yet. Putting me in mom mode took the guilt away from having a GF. How many other BW's dealt with this too?

Yeah, that confused me to no end. It was all sexy time for years and then all of a sudden he was turning me down for sex and not doing household chores. Drinking all the time and though I didn't know it, hooking up with prostitutes behind my back. You know what, it's just fucking gross. It's gross. If he wanted his mommy, she lived 10 minutes away. I didn't sign up to be the mother of a grown-ass man. I'm still infuriated over that. Sucked away my sexiness and turned me into laundry woman while he was out with the women he wanted to have sex with. Good lord if that hasn't done a number on my self-esteem. Even when he tries to talk to me now, it's like a child wanting his mom to come and save him. I have two kids already. I needed him to be a man, not a child. You can't be a child in your 40s. It's unbecoming, to put it mildly.

I feel like I'm in the servant role, cook clean shop, be nice. And I get a pat on the head, or a doggy treat. While she gets the best parts of him.

I'm doing much better today. It really was just a blip for me. We are in the midst of a lot of growth at my house (both the h and I) and that lends itself to many growing pains and sadly a few triggers too.

As for the other topic of interest: We have kids and I never got put in the mother role with him. He's just a cake eater who wanted another woman telling him how great he is and never took into account the intense pain and grief it would cause - only the yay I'm liked

[This message edited by strugglebus at 11:28 AM, August 15th (Wednesday)]

Last night, I successfully got through a trigger. While on the way to a meeting, I saw a car the exact make/model & color of AP's car. AP lives 5 states away, so I knew it couldn't be hers.

But before the realization set in, my anxiety shot up & started shaking, but did some deep breathing to calm myself. Took about 10 minutes to get where my heart wasn't pounding out of my chest & the shaking stopped. Doctor has increased the anxiety meds, so I'm sure that helped to.

What really helped was thinking of all the comments on SI, so I put on my Bitch Boots & strutted my stuff into the meeting. I had nothing to fear because the meeting had many people that would support me & I had nothing to fear from AP.

Thank you for all the positive talk that you've helped me through.

Earlydetour- much to my surprise, just a couple months ago my WH told me he felt more like I was his mother. WHAT??!! I couldn’t believe it. I never acted like his mother. I think it was a way to partially justify the A. Shortly after that, I read on SI that WH put their wives in that role when they have the A. Weird.

And I have to add that because my H saw and heard his mother be negative towards his dad and towards men in general and give overt preference to her daughters over her sons, putting me in the role of mother included putting everything I did and said through a negative filter. Even positive things were turned into negatives. Just because I became part of his family. It really hurt to see and hear him put OW on a pedestal while he'd say things to me and others of why I didn't deserve to be on that pedestal. As far as he was concerned, I didn't earn it, I didn't deserve it and I wasn't going to get it. That mindset stuck with him for a very long time. The attitude was payback to his mother and sisters, yet I didn't do anything to cause this hatred. This is all in hindsight.

One minor argument within the first 2 months of being married (we hadn't lived with each other until being married & dated for 4 years) I remember very well because H said "all these years you've been treating me this way." Really? All these years? This was during his intense EA contact with OW at work. He had never expressed that type of anger at me during an argument. It sounded just like something his parents threw at each other and he was repeating it randomly to deflect and shut me down. I thought it was an odd thing to say because it didn't fit into what was being discussed and how the argument was going. That's why I still remember it. It didn't fit. What was his perception - that he'd been married to me for ages and I'd subjected him to so much horrible treatment? Not 3 months prior we were in premarital counseling (standard requirement before a wedding in our church) and he never brought up any huge concerns. Just as he was projecting a positive fantasy onto his relationship with OW, he was projecting a horrible nightmare onto his relationship with "the wife". I had entered the Twilight Zone .

The mother thing really annoys me. At a gathering with AP’s family and mine, fwh and AP were playing football together (she’s one of those women who believes she’s special and better than other women because she likes ‘man’ things) I was tired and wanted to go home, so I went to them and said as much, and that we would be leaving in ten minutes. I admit this is an automatic mother thing to do. He was acting like a child. As I walked away I heard him call ‘yes mum’ and the AP giggled. How hilarious. Jokes on him now.

It is deeply, deeply infuriating being put in that role. Did anyone else 180 as a response to that?

my spouse cheated with an older very unattractive woman? I am in my late 40's and exercise, eat well, and have a career. He is a negative miserable selfish person. He was searching for something outside himself to fix his dark hole that lies within...

I was floored when it happened but now wonder why I am considering staying? This position we are placed into sucks. It does make us question ourselves, reevaluate and look a little closer in the mirror.

Focus on YOU! Do something or 10 somethings to improve yourself. I know that I am a good person, trying to live a good life and happiness is my goal. I am trying new things, making new friends, and enjoying some time to myself. His choice to cheat may have cost him more than he knows....

silverhopes,

Unfortunately when I have done the 180, I've struck a very sensitive nerve in H for FOO - feelings of abandonment and being invisible. MIL is selfish, preferred her girls, ignored her sons and husband and he was 1 of 5 kids - lost in the crowd. A lot of the parenting was done by grandmothers, even though MIL was physically present. Even FIL was physically present, but emotionally uninvolved/distant. MIL's brother stepped in when he could to be an involved father figure. It was an arranged marriage when they were getting near 30 and either seemed interested in settling down, so their parents pushed for M. It wasn't a relationship born out of attraction and love and pursuing and wooing.

When I've done the 180, he sees me as just unsafe and unloving as his mom. He considers it punishment and he goes into victim mode. I tried it last summer when I had enough of his poor behavior, a sexless M, being rejected and concerned that another A was in the works. It didn't wake him up. It shut him down even worse. That is just my experience with it with H. I've 180'ed other people for other reasons and they've gotten the message.

When I realized he was having an EA years ago, I didn't give him the 180. I dropped him like a rock and handed the engagement ring and wedding ring back (the symbol of his vows to me).

Never before infidelity did I find my own values so entirely in conflict with one another. What is my priority? To keep my family together? To stand up against injustice? To show my children strength and independence? To be humble? To be forgiving? To be loved? To be right? - moralhighground

I too wrestle with these questions. However, I think maybe they can all be reconciled, by extending forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not condone injustice. It simply asks that we not ask for retribution. By forgiving we can show strength, independence, humility, love, and "be right" all at the same time. BUT, and here are some caveats to help with the "I'm a chump" and I'm a terrible feminist fears:

First, we BSs have to feel ready to forgive; that usually requires feeling safe. Also, with infidelity, forgiveness is not a "once and over" act. There are many separate acts that are part of an affair that require forgiveness and some take longer for us to be able to grant forgiveness for than others. These acts might also include pre-A behaviors as well as TT or other dysfunctional hurts post DDay.

In addition, and this is KEY: our WSs need to accept the gift of forgiveness as the sacred gift it really is and acknowledge the deep moral injury caused by their actions and want to atone for it. Without their atonement, the BS can - and should, for his or her own sake - forgive, but a true reconciliation is impossible. Atonement by itself is not enough for R; true changes need to happen also. They do seem to go hand in hand though. gmc94 has the perfect quote explaining this on her profile:

Forgiveness and reconciliation are expensive gifts purchased through great suffering and sacrifice on the part of the offended. Failure to understand that reality makes one blind to the love displayed by those who choose to continue on in relationship. (Rick Reynolds)

Hurtbutresiliant:

There are many separate acts that are part of an affair that require forgiveness and some take longer for us to be able to grant forgiveness for than others. These acts might also include pre-A behaviors as well as TT or other dysfunctional hurts post DDay.

Thank you for this!

I don't think I've ever thought about it in those terms and I realize that there are some things that I can see forgiveness on in a much closer horizon than the 9 yr PA, 7 yr EA, and 27yr secret "friend". That's very helpful.

As to the Rick Reynolds quote - I love it, but others on SI aren't so fond of it. I read somewhere, that when one honors what they have, they honor what I've lost. I believe I read it in a Brene Brown book, in the context of parents who had lost a child, and felt that when others honored their living children, they were also honoring the profound loss of the parents who had buried theirs. I feel this way about reconciliation - I believe that my WH honoring what he has (a BW who hasn't kicked his sorry a** to the curb), he honors what I've lost (trust, sanity, safety, etc).

Unfortunately, my WH has yet to "get" most of the ramifications of his As... and I do NOT feel he has honored what he actually holds in his hands right now (which are basically the keys to our M - and the fact that I've not left him -yet).

Sigh.

Also - what does "atonement" look like to you? I don't know how a WS can "make amends" for the devastation caused by an A (and often find this train of thought leads me to the old "there is no justice" place - that is very dark for me). But I may have inserted my own head up my a** out of frustration from looking at my WH being in that position for months :)

This may sound conceited, but I know my husband is lucky to have me as he's not exactly a catch in the looks department. He's the brilliant geek who ended up with the captain of the cheerleading squad and he still resorted back to getting whacked off by Asian massage skanks.

Yes, he's made me feel less than, but then I think about what he did and he repulses me to the point where I shudder like I'm smelling rotten meat. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday (who also knows him very well) and he was giving me tips about rebuilding our relationship and I had to stop the man and tell him that I wouldn't be doing any of that at the moment because when I think of my husbands private parts I imagine it with syphilis or maggots.

It'll be awhile before I can lose that mental image.

@ Idiotme, I feel the same way. For the last few weeks, I don;t even want to be in the same room as him. Our situation is different, in that I haven't confronted him, but still, He grosses me out.

Hurtbutresilient, that is one of the best definitions of forgiveness I've heard. Thank you for that. I may forgive (because that helps me), but forgiveness doesn't excuse anybody from consequences. If I run a red light, I can forgive the officer for giving me a ticket, but I still have to pay the fine.

gmc94, atonement means to make amends, or provide restitution, or make the situation right. It could be money, time, whatever. My WH to make atonement owes me two vacations, an enormous amount of time, and enough chores to keep him busy for a long time.

I'd like to find out how many others talked about certain aspects of getting married and living together, such as household chores, bill & tax paying, or any other maintenance type efforts beforehand and your WH indicated that how these things would be shared or split up but reneged on their side, dumping stuff onto you. Back then, I was making just as much money as he was in a good paying professional position and I was living on my own and handling my bills and taxes just fine and I felt dumped on as well as pushed away with the EA blooming. In the beginning, we rented, so the only chores were inside types of dishes, cleaning, bathrooms, vacuuming & laundry.

I don't think it would matter at what point the A happened. I'd like to know how many of us saw changes and expectations modified that you felt put you in an unequal partner status.

Over the years, he took over the financial stuff and made small comments/sarcasm that I was doing it wrong. I was doing just fine, but doing it my way - my filing system was different from his way and that was a big control issue for him - he'd take out everything I spent time sorting out and put it randomly shuffled in a pile for him to resort his way later. I resented that I took time to take care of the chore and he wouldn't be open to having it done any other way than his way. And yes, we talked about it constantly. And then I'd ask him where something was filed using his system - he didn't know and I'd have to check multiple places. Doing it his way, we have receipts from 10 years ago from fast food and grocery shopping. I was trashing those after a month when they agreed with cc statements (and I didn't have food poisoning from them ).

His mother and sisters are treated as financially unintelligent. I didn't come from money. I had no stocks in my name. We lived on SS because my dad died when I was 11 and my mother was in her mid 50's and had been a military wife moving all over the world to keep the family together. 50's aren't the best time to try to get back into the workforce after 30 years. We made due. I got a full academic scholarship for college based on grades. I busted my a$$. For some of his family, I was looked upon as a gold-digger/social climber because I had very little starting money when I graduated. It had nothing to do with my ability to manage money. Hell, my mother used her bookkeeping skills to keep us in the house until the mortgage was paid off. I remember her doing a happy dance going out to the mailbox one day - asked her what was up - it was the last payment. Yeah Mom!!

The bottom line is I resented that he changed what he agreed upon (informally). I thought I was gaining a partner in life, not an adult son. I thought he respected me for my accomplishments and ability to support myself. I'm a SAHM now. This past year I've let a lot of things slide that I'd normally take care of. Mr 6 figure salary is needing to regularly roll up his sleeves and help with dishes and bathroom cleaning. Too bad

I hope folks don't wonder why I've recommended to a few members that are young and just got married and found out they have a WH already to get away from their WH, even if it is a trial separation. Something in their WH needs fixing big time. And it'll come out in other ways if you stay without him fixing it. And resentment will build on both sides. Step back and out for some amount of time to reevaluate the relationship. Not necessarily D, but if you can, remove yourself physically from being around them daily.

The EA showed so much about his personality and POV going into the M, more than any words and actions during dating. For so long, he kept telling himself he was a good guy and did nothing wrong with OW - he treated her well. Well, when I told him he shouldn't have been treating her like that, he viewed it as a mother scolding her son for not treating the woman as a lady. Ah, no, you were treating her like a queen while I got all his pent-up negativity, and frustration that I wasn't willing to change into SAHW mode while holding a full-time demanding job. I was the one he should have been feeling like treating like a queen and not being rude to me. To hell with your "friend". More worried about being rude to OW than ME who you plan to spend the rest of your life living daily with? WTF? And, the EA started ramping up before we lived together and I saw the reneging. It wasn't my reaction to the reneging that caused a rift. fWH was in her friend zone for a long time waiting for an opportunity to get closer and have her start reciprocating.

I definitely feel like the rules changed. I have no control over anything, he pays all the bills, he has his accounts and I have mine. We ahve NO joint accounts. In hindsight, there are sooooo many red flags. I wish I had left after he cheated the first time and not wasted all these years.

So... How is everyone doing today?

I don’t know if this will hold up tomorrow, but in this moment, I’m pretty well convinced that not a single man on this planet is to be trusted

I basically said this to my 21-year-old daughter tonight-a part of me feels awful, but another part of me would feel that I have not done my duty if I had kept silent

It just seems that even the “good ones” will fuck you over sooner or later

I am apalled at myself for how bitter I am… I sure as heck didn’t feel this way or year ago, before D-Day. And probably not even a month ago, before my husband attempted suicide. But in this moment, I cannot think of a single man on the planet that has not let me down in a significant and profound way.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 12:07 AM, October 7th, 2018 (Sunday)]

My self esteem took a huge hit. OW is younger...prettier...and apparently has a ton of free time.

I have always struggled with self esteem, but this really pounded it into the ground.

For most of my life I have put everyone else's needs and wants ahead of my own. I have lost sight of who I am and what my needs are.

I am trying to accept who I am...what I have to offer and focus on what I do like about myself.

I need to make myself the priority, because no one else will.