SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Anyone out there going through a divorce who's WH wants alimony but refuses to work full-time? Before Dday I had been on him pretty hard about getting a full-time decent job and to help more around the house as I was working full-time time. He would literally do nothing around the house during the day except make more of a mess "taking care of the kids." Kids that were in school I should add. He also had a full-time job when we got married and now blames me for not being able to get a full-time job. He says his current job won't take him full-time now and is trying to get rid of him because his child support is being garnished from his wages. So, I should be paying him alimony.

Sorry for the bit of a ramble. It's just all so unbelievable.

Nervousnelly - Oh how I can relate to your post. My self-esteem is rock-bottom even after having a breast reduction/lift surgery this past summer.

My WH had a 13 month EA/PA with OW 18 yrs younger than him and 10 yrs younger than me. She was a SAHM and apparently very talented in many different areas - not only the sex. I can still see her pic and all the complimenting texts he sent her. Things he never said to me.

Then, just a week ago, find out WH has been talking to an ex GF from college for the past 3 years. They saw each other twice but nothing physical happened (she lives out of state - still trying to believe nothing happened). She's a few years older than me but is still attractive. I believe she's much taller than me so now that's 3 women WH has been with (including ex wife) that are all tall and I'm only 5'2". I can see now what he really prefers.

I'm crushed. Not only do I think my WH is much more attracted to other women, I don't feel attractive to other men.

I wish I could be strong like other BW's on this website. How do they get to that point where they feel great about themselves? I've tried IC and have read books. I still feel like shit. I want my confidence and self-esteem back!

I don't feel past my prime however I must say the whole infidelity thing has shaken me to my core. Almost 5 years out and still dealing with it. Of course not like the first 2 years. I couldn't get enough details. And the anger was unbelievable. My WS said I was abusive. He definitely affair down. Looks, strength , money, education, and class. But that still doesn't take your feelings away. What was wrong with me, why did you need someone else? I know it wasn't about me he has the shortcomings. But that didn't make it any better. I am on the roller coaster of building myself back up ( with medical help) and convincing myself that I am more than worth it.

Hi ladies, I'm happy to have a women's thread now. The guys are always bringing beer to theirs. I'm bringing a soft purry kitten to sit on our laps while we have that tear sliding down our cheek. Lately I've been waking up to a wet pillow. I'm crying in my sleep. I'm trying to work on me but still the rejection hurts so much. I try not to compare myself with the OW. There are pictures of them together on the internet. I don't look for them but bumping into them hurts.

Mamacesto I’m sorry the OW is still in Your thoughts.

I stopped comparing myself to the OW who was more than 20 years younger. She was completely opposite me. Covered in tattoos, neck and chest and full sleeves on both arms and tats on the legs too. Funny how my H always said he disliked that.

Some of my friends would have gotten a tattoo to “compete” with the OW. I would never. He married me. He knew who I was. And I was better than the OW.

My self esteem was shattered for about a year. Until I decided that he cheated not b/c of me. But b/c of himself. His own insecurities and issues.

So I looked around and made a few changes for me. Not for him. I joined a club. I volunteered a bit more. I did thinks that made ME happy. Read a book. Try a new recipe. Start a small business.

And I decided I really liked myself. I was good enough but he was too stupid to realize it.

You can regain your self esteem by not letting HIM be the one to give you self confidence. But you give yourself the self confidence. You are happy with you. And it will have a ripple effect.

My H could come home and tell me I was the stupidest person on earth. And I would just laugh at him. Because it would be hurtful to hear BUT I would know that he has a great spouse in front of him and he is TOO STUPID to see it.

No damage to my self confidence at all.

I wish I could be strong like other BW's on this website. How do they get to that point where they feel great about themselves? I've tried IC and have read books. I still feel like shit. I want my confidence and self-esteem back!

It helps when you come to the realization that our husbands were completely useless nasty douchebags to have cheated on us. That this is no competition, this is about how we were treated by our spouses. It helps to realize that they are now the ones who don't deserve us because they were awful human beings. We are better than all parties in this mess.

Plus, a healthy dose of don't give a fuck is always a good thing. Don't like me or think I'm hot enough? Fuck you. Leave. I'm sufficient unto myself.

I wrote this today and thought that others might relate.

Infidelity.

It is not about loneliness or a midlife crisis or falling out of love. It is a choice.

Infidelity turns life upside down. Like many others, I have had to move forward without ever hearing an apology—without any acknowledgement of the countless ways that my life, and the lives of everyone in my family, have been forever altered by one choice.

I will never hear these words, and you might not either. So, I will write them to you, and to me, in the hope of finding some healing.

To my betrayed spouse,

I need to say I’m sorry.

I haven’t been able to say it before now because I have been so invested in the lies I have told myself that I couldn’t see anything else.

I know I told you everything was your fault. I said I had never been happy. I called you names that were mean and hurtful and demeaning. I said I wished I had never met you. I told you I had been playing a role.

I said those things out of my shame. I blamed you instead of acknowledging what I had done. Whatever problems or issues we may have had, it was my choice to be unfaithful, and I’m sorry.

I chose to break my promise.

I chose to share my thoughts and my fears with someone else, instead of sharing them with you. I’m sorry that I didn’t talk to you. I’m sorry I never even admitted to you what I had done and I’m sorry that I blamed you for the ways that you found out what I was doing.

I blamed you for my choices. I twisted our backstory. I made you feel like our life was a lie. But, I was the one who was lying.

I’m sorry that I wouldn’t end it and that I disrespected you and our family by continuing my affair while I still lived in our family home. I’m sorry that I asked for space and used that space to bring my affair into our home.

I’m sorry I couldn’t engage in counseling. My shame was so deep, I wrapped myself in the lies to keep from facing my own mistakes.

I’m sorry that I couldn’t stop the train once it started. I know you deserved better.

I’m sorry I said that it wouldn’t be worth it to stay together for our kids. I wish I had realized that what our kids needed was to see their parents each take responsibility for our choices and work together to find forgiveness.

All of the years that we were together should have been worth showing you more respect than I did.

For all of the sleepless nights, for the tears, for the anxiety, for the depression I am sorry. I am sorry that you lost your identity. I am sorry that I have continued to blame you, continued to manipulate you, and continued to avoid taking responsibility. You deserve better.

Hello Chaos.

I love what you said. After DDay 3 (actually 4 and sure there are more to come since the truth is coming out a little at a time), I realized WS had a closet full of nice clothes on our fairly tight budget. I had a few outfits.

I realized that I was doing a lot of giving in ways that were apparently not appreciated. I am doing more for myself now and when I go into a store the first place I don't go any more is the men's section.

BS 50's

Married 30 plus years

D day 1 June

Anyone have any last minute shopping? I'm getting a few toys for the firemans toy drive. The teen girls always need presents. Little kids have plenty to pick from. Any ideas for teen girls? In the past I have bought art kits, beauty kits, crafting supplies or needlework kits. As a teen, I read constantly but books aren't wrapped items. Boxed jewelry maybe? Fuzzy socks? Need help please.

Hi PureHeart! I know this is hella late, but here are some ideas for gifts for teen girls:

Cool sunglasses

Journal and cool pens

Art supplies

Crafts supplies (i.e. Klutz Friendship Bracelet Kit)

A whistle on a cool lanyard

"Care package" - flashlight, First Aid Kit, mirror, mace, whistle (again)

Empty photo album and disposable camera

Nice jewelry

"This is not a public lynching. This is a call for public accountability." ~Tarana Burke

I'm watching "Surviving R. Kelly" right now. It is beyond painful to watch. Why do people question the victims so much more than the abusers? Don't question "why did s/he stay?"... Question, "why the hell can this abuser continue to get away with it?"

I'm glad I'm watching it, even though it's painful. It shows how systemic abuse is. It shows how thoroughly an abuser can ruin a life, or lives. I hope we keep exploring this. I hope someday, people question not the survivors, but the abusers, and wonder how on earth abuse could have ever been so accepted by so many people...

My husband had left a few weeks ago. A lot has happened since then. I've tried to get the help I can. There's a clinical psychologist who says that 'learned helplessness' is when the chains and handcuffs are all psychological... But abuse is so much more than psychological. And I'm only just realizing, when a person abuses you, the way the people closest to you respond can sometimes either help save you from the abuse or - as I've been experiencing - support the abuse. The people closest to you can give the abuser huge advantages over you depending on their choices. It's still on the abuser. But... but what do you do when the people you feel you need to turn to (i.e. your family or closest friends) don't help, instead help you drown faster.

I'm stronger than I was 2 years ago. So this isn't going the same way it went back then. I have hope that this time, there'll be a healthier outcome for Lil Silver and me. My H knows he can't live at home with us right now. He's not trying to force the issue. Already, that's a stronger boundary than we had last time. That's one measure of safety greater. We can do this. One day at a time.

Hesstillying -

I hope you understand when I say that your letter was beautiful. It truly captures it all and I applaud you for it.

I did get an “I’m sorry” but she still works for him. They still see each other every day, even when I said she needed to ffind another position......so in my book it’s an “I’m sorry I got caught”.

All of what you are saying hits home for me. I am in my late 40s and have been with my H for over half of my life. His 4 yr A has crushed my self-esteem. I know our marriage wasn't perfect. I turned to work to drown out the loneliness I was feeling. He turned to porn and prostitutes.

He hasn't and won't talk about the A which has lead me to do my own digging. I have seen pictures of the 20-somethings he had and it just makes me feel less than. I compare my body to them every day. I have lost 65# in 6 months and still feel like I'm saggy, old and will never be enough again. I get sick to my stomach thinking of him with them. To add to the betrayal he had them in my house repeatedly. I have torn my bedroom apart trying to eliminate the ghosts in the room, but they are still there in my mind.

I know in my head that I am a strong, confident, beautiful woman, but I don't see that same woman in the mirror. I hate how his betrayal has cut me to my knees and made me doubt so much about myself. I love him and he's taking responsibility, but I don't know if or how I can get past the fact that for four years he needed, wanted and had so many younger women. It cuts to the bone and makes me feel so inadequate.

How do I change that?!

I am in IC and we are in CC, but it seems to be too little, too late. I keep trying every day and want the pain, thoughts and tears to stop!

I hope this doesn't violate any guidelines.

I'm feeling kind of alienated by some of the threads in the general section in which a few men seem to be going out of their way to threadjack and mansplain. I think about responding, but I don't see the point in trying to change the minds of people who obviously have all the answers. So demoralizing. I do applaud those who did try to point out the issues.

Gablestitch: I did end up paying spousal support to my ex. To be fair, he was a SAHD, and we had two little kids with special needs, so it wasn't that crazy. It sounds like your STBX just wants extra money without working for it. It was the cost of getting him out of my life. Fortunately, the spousal support was halved this year and will end next year, although child support will be forever (or at least it feels like it). It does burn a little now and then that I'm supporting him and his "soulmate" (aka OW), but after a while you just move and and don't give a crap anymore.

Anyway, here's some raspberry chocolate layer cake to lift our spirits :

That cake looks delicious.

We go to a German club every Easter for brunch. They serve traditional Bavarian deserts and there is a chocolate cake with raspberry much like your cake. It's fun to see the kids with their baskets and all the decorations. Last year someone played accordion favorites.

I love a good cake. I like to make little angel food cakes and put the colored Easter egg in the center.

This seems like a lovely place. I understand the past your prime problem. I am 50, well almost 51. Still attractive, used to be beautiful. Had a smoking body when I married the love of my life 22 years ago (loved since I was 14 years old) and after 22 years, two babies, 9 miscarriages, disillusionment, too much work, and too little admiration and love, I was overweight. Then DD happened on Christmas Eve...

My WH husband cheated for 6 weeks with a freaking ex girlfriend cross fit athlete with a body that she has worked on for 25 years and huge fake boobs. I couldn't compete with that!! Although, she is my age and the sun damage to her face and body has been harsh.

I have lost 35 pounds since Christmas due to no food (vomiting and lack of appetite, go figure) and then found out March 21 he has been having a 22 year affair with another ex. He never had sex apparently in 22 years because she was a "large" woman and she is.

So, Here I am...50 years old, grey haired (I have been greying since 18 and let it go 2 years ago), 6 pack stomach, looking pretty good if I do say so myself and still feel like dirt beneath his shoes. And I have to literally beg for his attention physically these days. Yes, screwed up but I think there is some hysterical bonding going on.

Him...54, Very overweight over old bodybuilding muscle, balding, double chinned, not the adonis of his youth and HE feels like a stud.

I am at a loss. In any other circumstance I would feel sexy, attractive, and empowered. He has taken that away from me.

[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 10:48 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

Hi Hawke! Nice to see you again. ( I share your concern about the gender conflicts elsewhere on the boards and demoralisation of feeling no point in engaging with it because one is just branded and dismissed as some label or other.)

I didn’t even know there was a Betrayed Women’s thread. Delighted to meet you all. 😊

Regarding the body self esteem or lack of. It does take a hit immediately after an A, especially as many of us are hitting menopause, or just had a baby or whatever.

What we have to remember is that it is generally about their, the WH, lack of body self esteem. Seeing themselves age in the bathroom mirror, seeing themselves age also in the mirror of their spouses. So they are looking for another mirror, one that will tell them that they are the fairest of them all. Certainly that’s what my WH was seeking, plus to feel dominant for once, powerful, plus she laughed disproportionately to all his jokes, so he says, so he felt witty, suddenly a raconteur. So, in his own midlife dislike of the aging process and the existential crisis that can often hit then, she mirrored everything he wanted to see about himself.

I also know very clearly, because I knew her, had even published her writing, that she wanted my life as well.

If you despise yourself post A for any body deficiency, then I suggest you are possibly looking at yourself through his eyes, or at least how you fear or imagine them to be, critical, judgemental and comparing you to another model. But you may be failing to see it was most likely himself he was judgmental and critical of on the whole. Yes, we wives, aging alongside them, are indeed reminders of the mortality they are trying to escape through an A. It is their existential angst or ennui and fear of aging they are trying to escape, their fear of just being a provider/ parent etc that they are trying to disprove, their fantasy of carefree and responsibility-free youth or singledom they are trying to enact.

Please try tostop looking at yourself with their eyes or with the generalised male eyes judging us from every billboard and every advert. We have been told since day 1 by the adverts that we fail, our bodies fail to live up to the perfect body images bombarded at us daily. As intelligent women we know that we are being made to not feel good enough so that we will buy products, but yet some of it is in fact internalised - we do look at ourselves with male eyes sometimes and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. Because we want to be attractive to our male.

But now - now I’ve lost enough people in my life to be grateful to my body for still being here, still being able to do all the things I can do (a point being driven home now that a couple of chronic conditions have reduced that list) - now I realise that DH kinda likes me for the whole package, including the baby bearing belly, and kinda likes himself for his whole package, including all his knobbly bits.

It is so easy to feel discarded like an old worn out cardigan after an A. But let’s not discard or body shame ourselves - let’s, as Chaos says, regard ourselves, with proper care and respect and gratitude for what we have. Oh, and exercise and self care can just generally help us feel better as well as look better.

Ok, getting off my soapbox now.

😊😊😊

[This message edited by Edie at 2:15 AM, April 10th (Wednesday)]

This thread looks dead, but I'll try.

I do feel past my prime, but that's because I am. And, that's ok. That doesn't make me any less. In a lot of ways, I've entered the best, most free part of my life.

As to the mansplaining, that's been really bothering me, too. This site was not like that when I joined 4 years ago. I do argue with them some, not to change their minds, but to put it out there for others that their POV isn't the only or right one.

I think it depends on your definition of "prime."

I do feel past my prime, but that's because I am. And, that's ok. That doesn't make me any less. In a lot of ways, I've entered the best, most free part of my life.

I refuse to believe that any of us aren't as good as a younger person with whom our WS's may have bedded down. I also refuse to compete with anyone else. Like everyone here I was and am still crushed by the magnitude of the trauma caused by his betrayal. But I am in the "I don't give a f*ck" camp. If he doesn't want me I say "boy bye". Go...walk out the door...I'll be perfectly find.

The most important aspect, at least for me, relates to the value I bring that hopefully goes beyond my appearance. I work hard to look decent so I can respect myself. It isn't to gain respect from him or anyone else. The content of my character hopefully keeps me sane. I will continue to age and to look differently but I subscribe to the Brene Brown philosophy that my light, all of our lights, will come shining through if we continue to live with integrity.

You are all so beautiful and don't ever forget it!

When I think of "prime", I think in biological terms, sexual and reproductive peak, not physical beauty or desirability. My worth does not hinge on someone else's opinion of me.

I am no longer traumatized by my fch's cheating. I have healed from that. I never did need him emotionally. I always knew I would be fine without him. If he wants to leave, there's the door. It will cost him, though.