First. I hear this existed before and died. So I will commit bumping this when I am on (which is pretty random in the pace of my life.)
Second. The self-perception-slam-me-into-the-ground-emotion-dance.
Yep. It was there, and, five years out it occasionally can raise it's ugly head. But perspective is a gift.
I remember when I initially knew the "who, what, when, where, why and how" of Mr. Uxor's affair, no matter my previous confidence, my brain fixated on anything that seemed inadequate. And even imagined some things.
First thing. I ASSUMED she was younger. NOPE, she was 2 years older than me. I ASSUMED she was in better shape - actually heavier, saggier and not in shape at all...in fact she did roller coaster binge diets to try to lose weight and always rallied back bigger and badder than before. I ASSUMED she had less wrinkles and perfect skin....well the selfies she threw out publicly after he cut all ties proved that one wrong too...big bags under her eyes, as well. I ASSUMED she could cook (my husband loves gourmet restaurant level cooking - which I can do)...nope, she is a crockpot and takeout queen (nothing wrong with our crockpots. But hers was the daily cooking appliance) AND she had her husband find recipes for it and shop for the ingredients. I ASSUMED she did more in bed than me....beep, wrong...I did more with the exception of one thing, and being that I am NOT into infidelity, I also didn't offer that I have an out of town friend who would double up on him if he wanted to try that, when that friend next visited (he declined, and yes, I saw that he declined). I ASSUMED that she jumped at his every request and granted them immediately (actually, he waited for her all the time. That was how she was able to be the things I wasn't - perfectly groomed. She was granted time. I wasn't. But if he she asked for something, he jumped...because what if she became hysterical, broke down, and exposed them! LOL.) I assumed her breasts were bigger. (They were - surgically. And they were sagging in her bags.) I assumed she was always without cough or cold, ache or blemish. (I saw her texts of her back aches, and she gave him her cold that year, along with a bad case of thrush....think on it....think on it...) I assumed she was not clumsy (Well, look at that, she bruised her leg right after their break-up. Claiming it must be broken! ER run with x-rays and everything...but just bruised. She stepped in a hole in a floor).
What did she have over me? Perfectly manicured nails. Which he gave her gift certificates for. She always had her make-up on, hair done, business dress clothing that always revealed her cleavage of her bags suspended in her sag, and very clever photo texts to play guessing games with him of what she was wearing under her attire....with a delayed reveal and a request for a photo to prove he liked it ( can anyone say, "set up"? Glad I saw all the texts....) She had special code words that she used to signal what was coming. Like telling him he was "Hard headed" and she had her their associate Bob with (Battery Opperated Boyfriend)
My point is that my brain played the "I am less" game. And over and over it was proven that my brain was playing tricks on me AND that the things I didn't do for him were either because A - they were not good for our marriage (like another person in bed. DUH!) or that he didn't all for or create the time and attention for me and us that she received - therefor, he had created his own misery AND justifications. They had not been created at my hand.
Further. I found out that he HAD pointed out to her, things he liked about me, and that I did - which she didn't. She always promised she would, but she never did deliver (something I did in bed that she didn't. AND that I could cook - she promised would learn! She even signed up for a gourmet recipe app I use, but HA - you have to know how to cook first to actually use it).
Last, since then, I have met dozens of betrayed wives who go through this. It doesn't matter if you are in you 20's or your 80's. The shock and pain to our emotions has that potential to distort our perception of ourselves. And these are amazing women who I know who go through this!!!!
This let me know it was that anything any cheating or flirty woman had over me could never be countered by one very spectacular fact. Just the fact that some other woman wanted my life and my husband, made them less desirable than me EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Just the fact that some other woman wanted my life and my husband, made them less desirable than me EVERY SINGLE TIME.
And a husband who is in a mind to cheat is in no way a judge of what is desirable - his brain can't judge anything. It is too busy being addicted to a fantasy, fake promises, smoke and mirrors to know what is good and true.
I don't know if it would have mattered if anyone had told me all that I would later realize. I had to go through it first.
He saw her walking down a sidewalk two years after the affair. He said, "She is getting really fat." I had to tell him she looked the same as she did when I had last seen her before the affair.
The affair brain only sees what it wants to see.
And so does the wounded brain.
So...please...for now, at least. Don't believe anything negative your brain is telling you if it is early. And if a trigger brings it back to that later, then really step back....see the total you for what and WHO you are.
Don't let that be done to you by your own mind. You have had enough taken away already.
[This message edited by uxorpatricius at 2:27 PM, August 2nd (Thursday)]