SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want you to use the shower gel and lotion you save for special occasions. Use it every day. You are your own special occasion. Wear whatever undies make you feel invincible. Deep condition your hair. Exfoliate your skin. If make up is your thing - DO IT. And use the good stuff - again - you are your own special occasion. If not, take time to moisturize and SPF [do this even if you do make up]. Wear the sparky undies, head turning outfit and boots made for walking.

Thank you for kicking me into gear. It is HIS loss & I did buy some new lace undies. Time to start on myself & not focus so much on others.

I can't change clothes in front of WH because he's called me fat & said he didn't want to see me undressed

Just wanted to point out how wretchedly abusive this is. I would have a hard time dealing with that - especially when a betrayal is scooped on the top. I hope that dude is in therapy because that is a effed up thing to say to someone you are supposed to love.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

Chaos has great advice - I would also add in - find a hobby that involves your body that you love. Something that makes you feel strong and empowered. Yoga, swimming, weightlifting, dance, running, softball, tennis etc etc all train you to appreciate your body not just for how it looks and feels but for what it can DO.

I can tell you I DGAF about cellulite on my thighs anymore because those legs can squat 100 lbs like it is nothing and run a half marathon. My arms used to drive me crazy but now I know they are capable of knocking over a heavy bag with one solid punch and move a couch by myself. You get the drift.

I love my capable and amazing body and I don't need any one else to validate it or even care about the people who do compliment it (I just feel like "Oh so your eyes work? Congrats!")

Investing in you is the most important step.

Chaos, that is the best advice I've read all day. I have started to do the same and I already feel better. Also getting compliments from co-workers who have noticed my attention to my appearance. That makes me feel good too.

Great post Chaos. Thanks for the pep talk!

I’m so glad this is here, thank you!

I’m over a year out from DD2. Its not easy for me because I know WH hasn’t been 100% truthful. I also know he never will, so this is probably a false R. No worries, i have a plan in place.

One of my biggest hurdles is the AP. She was 12 years younger, married as well, has a son and outweighs me by at least 50lbs.

I still turn heads (I’m told... I have never paid attention to other men) and I am miles more intelligent than her. And I obviously have the character she doesn’t.

My hurdle is how can a woman knowingly do this to another woman and her family? HOW?

I have 2 amazing daughters and I have brought them up to be strong and share my feminist ways. Part of those are that women are to lift other women up, not tear them down.

Having an affair with a married man is the complete and utter opposite of feminism.

What do you think?

My hurdle is how can a woman knowingly do this to another woman and her family? HOW?

Because she's so freaking low with such a horrible self image she has to pull others down to feel a momentary relief from her low-ness.

She's beneath you on every possible level.

They always affair down.

Because she's so freaking low with such a horrible self image she has to pull others down to feel a momentary relief from her low-ness.

She's beneath you on every possible level.

They always affair down.

They are so selfish. I can’t even imagine how to get there, which means that I, and the rest of is, don’t have those depths of selfishness.

Oh, I’ve never wavered on me being a better woman than she is. Not one day. I know I am.

Regarding the affair down...that means that our WH are just as low. I agree. That’s a difficult pill to swallow. Which makes me second guess this R thing, knowing he’s such a low and selfish coward.

My therapist says I’m living in cognitive dissonance because I’m choosing to stay with someone who does not share the morals and values I do. I agree with her. And it’s something I’m working on.

[This message edited by Frankiesbeads at 7:52 AM, August 1st (Wednesday)]

My therapist says I’m living in cognitive dissonance because I’m choosing to stay with someone who does not share the morals and values I do.

Hmmm...that is a point to ponder Frankiesbeads

For me it is the balance of: Is WH a good person who did a bad thing vs Is WH a bad person. Therein lies the answer.

R vs D vs other - a personal and individual choice with a so many contributing factors.

that means that our WH are just as low

Some are just as low. That is their state of being which can not be changed. Some just stooped that low. That is a choice and that direction can be changed.

In my case, I truly believe WH is a good person who did a bad thing. And the other contributing factors lead me to the attempt of R.

That being said, that can be changed at a moment's notice if the conditions of R are not being met.

And no...some of us aren't programmed to understand level of selfishness. We don't have it in us. I always said to WH post DDay - there is only one way for him to truly grasp what he'd done to me, to us. And I simply won't go there because it simply is not within me.

First. I hear this existed before and died. So I will commit bumping this when I am on (which is pretty random in the pace of my life.)

Second. The self-perception-slam-me-into-the-ground-emotion-dance.

Yep. It was there, and, five years out it occasionally can raise it's ugly head. But perspective is a gift.

I remember when I initially knew the "who, what, when, where, why and how" of Mr. Uxor's affair, no matter my previous confidence, my brain fixated on anything that seemed inadequate. And even imagined some things.

First thing. I ASSUMED she was younger. NOPE, she was 2 years older than me. I ASSUMED she was in better shape - actually heavier, saggier and not in shape at all...in fact she did roller coaster binge diets to try to lose weight and always rallied back bigger and badder than before. I ASSUMED she had less wrinkles and perfect skin....well the selfies she threw out publicly after he cut all ties proved that one wrong too...big bags under her eyes, as well. I ASSUMED she could cook (my husband loves gourmet restaurant level cooking - which I can do)...nope, she is a crockpot and takeout queen (nothing wrong with our crockpots. But hers was the daily cooking appliance) AND she had her husband find recipes for it and shop for the ingredients. I ASSUMED she did more in bed than me....beep, wrong...I did more with the exception of one thing, and being that I am NOT into infidelity, I also didn't offer that I have an out of town friend who would double up on him if he wanted to try that, when that friend next visited (he declined, and yes, I saw that he declined). I ASSUMED that she jumped at his every request and granted them immediately (actually, he waited for her all the time. That was how she was able to be the things I wasn't - perfectly groomed. She was granted time. I wasn't. But if he she asked for something, he jumped...because what if she became hysterical, broke down, and exposed them! LOL.) I assumed her breasts were bigger. (They were - surgically. And they were sagging in her bags.) I assumed she was always without cough or cold, ache or blemish. (I saw her texts of her back aches, and she gave him her cold that year, along with a bad case of thrush....think on it....think on it...) I assumed she was not clumsy (Well, look at that, she bruised her leg right after their break-up. Claiming it must be broken! ER run with x-rays and everything...but just bruised. She stepped in a hole in a floor).

What did she have over me? Perfectly manicured nails. Which he gave her gift certificates for. She always had her make-up on, hair done, business dress clothing that always revealed her cleavage of her bags suspended in her sag, and very clever photo texts to play guessing games with him of what she was wearing under her attire....with a delayed reveal and a request for a photo to prove he liked it ( can anyone say, "set up"? Glad I saw all the texts....) She had special code words that she used to signal what was coming. Like telling him he was "Hard headed" and she had her their associate Bob with (Battery Opperated Boyfriend)

My point is that my brain played the "I am less" game. And over and over it was proven that my brain was playing tricks on me AND that the things I didn't do for him were either because A - they were not good for our marriage (like another person in bed. DUH!) or that he didn't all for or create the time and attention for me and us that she received - therefor, he had created his own misery AND justifications. They had not been created at my hand.

Further. I found out that he HAD pointed out to her, things he liked about me, and that I did - which she didn't. She always promised she would, but she never did deliver (something I did in bed that she didn't. AND that I could cook - she promised would learn! She even signed up for a gourmet recipe app I use, but HA - you have to know how to cook first to actually use it).

Last, since then, I have met dozens of betrayed wives who go through this. It doesn't matter if you are in you 20's or your 80's. The shock and pain to our emotions has that potential to distort our perception of ourselves. And these are amazing women who I know who go through this!!!!

This let me know it was that anything any cheating or flirty woman had over me could never be countered by one very spectacular fact. Just the fact that some other woman wanted my life and my husband, made them less desirable than me EVERY SINGLE TIME.

REPEATING THAT!

Just the fact that some other woman wanted my life and my husband, made them less desirable than me EVERY SINGLE TIME.

And a husband who is in a mind to cheat is in no way a judge of what is desirable - his brain can't judge anything. It is too busy being addicted to a fantasy, fake promises, smoke and mirrors to know what is good and true.

I don't know if it would have mattered if anyone had told me all that I would later realize. I had to go through it first.

He saw her walking down a sidewalk two years after the affair. He said, "She is getting really fat." I had to tell him she looked the same as she did when I had last seen her before the affair.

The affair brain only sees what it wants to see.

And so does the wounded brain.

So...please...for now, at least. Don't believe anything negative your brain is telling you if it is early. And if a trigger brings it back to that later, then really step back....see the total you for what and WHO you are.

Don't let that be done to you by your own mind. You have had enough taken away already.

[This message edited by uxorpatricius at 2:27 PM, August 2nd (Thursday)]

Uxo, I love this. Thank you for taking the time to write this, I needed it.

It seems like every time I start going crazy, I read something on here that is so insightful, and really helps.

I actually may survive this. Who knew.

For me it is the balance of: Is WH a good person who did a bad thing vs Is WH a bad person. Therein lies the answer.

Agreed.

But trying to reconcile 2ish years of a man who chose to lie and deceive me and our kids, that’s a big ask.

Is that *actually* who he is? Then top it off with the behaviour after I discovered his affair? The blame and more emotional abuse I endured?

I don’t know if he actually is a good person, or if he’s doing some serious damage control at this point.

I don’t bloody know and it’s not fair. It’s not fair that anyone has to make that distinction in their forever marriage.

GAH!!

@WhyAgianWhyHer

And thank you for reading. I was in a hurry and hit post. It was loooong. So I am glad it helped.

Hang in there. No matter what comes of the act of betrayal, you are no less of a person than you were before it happened.

And, I can assure you, when you rise above this, and the pain no longer freezes you in place, you discover you can be even more than you once were before for 2 reasons:

Your level of compassion and awareness of the pain others face, along with the knowledge of how to help without enabling, grows.

Your compassion for yourself, and the things you will no longer put up with also grows.

And both have their own form of freedom and joy that come with.

So, hang in there.

Uxor, that really was awesome. Thank you!

I totally agree that we can become better than before too. I'd have said that was crazy 6 months ago. I have more compassion and at the same time a whole lot less tolerance for crap from others. Sounds weird, but it's the truth. I'm more confident in some ways than I was before. I'm amazed at what I'm capable of. I got knocked further down than I ever have, but the woman who's crawling out of this is a lot more formidable than the one who got flattened.

I am one of those who doesn’t believe my WH affaired down. OW was 10 yrs younger than me & 18 yrs yoinger than WH. I read all the complimenting texts he sent her. I know she pleasured him in a way I rarely do and I feel inadequate. I used to always feel pretty good sexually and always felt I was kind of an ego boost for WH because I’m 8 yrs younger than him. Not no more. Before his A, I never felt I was beautiful but at least felt somewhat attractive and that I could get another man if I tried. That is all gone now. My self esteem has suffered so much I had a breast lift and am praying truly that will make me feel better. I hate what WH has done to our marriage and to me. I often say I don’t know if I will ever be happy again. I want to be the person I was before dday but sadly, I know that will never be.

I often read BS has to heal themselves. I know I have to be responsible for me but that’s so hard to do when WH is the one who ruined me. I just want to feel good again!

Mamacesto - you will feel good again. Though those feelings are buried beneath the layers of bullshit that the affair piles on us, your essential awesomeness is untouched. It’s the blue sky above the clouds. You are beautiful and worthy, you are the only one of you, and a precious part of this universe. It’s spectacularly hard to feel this sometimes, but whether you believe it or not, it’s a fact. You are wonderful. You will get there.

Infedility plays the worst tricks on our heads. The AP is about the same age as me. She’s not particularly pretty. Usually she looks like she could do with a wash. The only thing she has over me is a flat stomach because her babies were all tiny. My stomach is a tad deflated looking. And that’s ok. This body of mine gave birth to two babies. Of course it doesn’t look the same. Our bodies change like the seasons. I’m not spring anymore. I’m late summer. I love my body because it carries the signs of my journey through life. As women we’re subject to so much scrutiny over our attractiveness, and it’s all bullshit aimed at making middle aged white men some money. We’re all gorgeous.

Thank you Littleavocet.

Being 10 months out from Dday, I really thought I’d be feeling better. I know....time.

And thank you SI for creating this thread!!

Mamacesto of course he affaired down. He affaired so down he had to go subterranean. I don't give a rat's behind if [you think] she was younger, thinner, prettier, blah blah. She was gilded desperation. She was a soul sucking black hole. She was a useless receptacle for whatever he wanted - a trash container. He told her those things to keep her on the string. And she was so pathetic she believed them.

YOU are strong, amazing and thoughtful. You are not the person you were before DDay. You are better because you survived this too. You are stronger and more resilient. You know the depths of pain and carry on in spite of it.

You are worth a million of that vermin.

Yes - our WS ruined us - temporarily. But you don't have to be a shrinking violet - you can be a lotus flower and bloom through worst surroundings.

You Mamacesto are amazing. Stand tall and hold your head high. Look in the mirror and say I am Mamacesto world - look out! And F*** anyone who isn't along for the ride.

I'm kinda with Mamacesto, I don't feel like he affaired down. I get all the talk about how she is trash for having sex with him, but still. It's hard to not compare yourself to this apparent "super woman", with a career, raising 2 kids on her own, blah blah blah.

I get it. Like I said above. It doesn't matter if they looked better, we looked better. The age... our age. What they accomplished. What we didn't. Or who did what or how in bed. I have met so many betrayed wives from all over the spectrum. Our brains crush us no matter what, because our brains have a habit of basing our self perception on what our husbands loved about us.

Then that was not enough.

What our brain needs to internalize is this.

It wouldn't have mattered if they affaired down or not. Because there is this HUGE LIE game called the justification cycle.

A husband who cheats can't face himself as the bad guy. So he HAS to find a flaw in you to justify what he did.

When you percieve the flaw he found - or the comparison of yourself to his AP, that brain that was trained to recognize what he loved in you believes the lie.

What I am saying is this. If you HAD poured yourself through rounds of plastic surgery, worked out for the perfect body, airbrushed on the perfect face, held a stellar career and ran the home without a hitch. IF you had said all the right words and became the perfect porn queen in bed for his every wish.....and anything else that you believe the AP had over you. If you had Stepford Wived his every wish with a sugary "Yes, my sexy god of a husband!" EVEN if you had done that, he likely still would have cheated.

Just look around. That very thing happens all the time.

Why? Because what was lacking was never in YOU.

It was in him. He may have even looked for the one thing you couldn't do, so he could justify cheating.

But that Justification cycle fails for one simple reason.

There is not one single attribute in any marriage ever. Not one single flaw. That EVER justifies cheating. EVER!

Because cheating means lying to your spouse. And that lying is the immature way of coping with what disappoints us in our marriage, rather than manning or womanning up to deal with reality.

All marriage have faults. ALL spouses have faults.

And...last thought. Really? Are a we actually going to say that the AP was perfect.

Truth...if our spouse had ended up with the AP, rather than us. Out of pride they would have to declare the person to be the perfect choice for them.

But when that AP farts in her sleep from taking her diet drugs, or has bats in the cave (look up into nostrils if you don't know what I mean) from her crocodile tears, or tells him to cook his own supper for her stellar career, or finally reaches the fun of peri-menopause and has heavy periods and debilitating pain in her porn queen moves, or gets busted flirting with another guy as is her habit....he has to eat that pride like a rotten apple and smile while doing it.

The affair is fantasy. We are real humans...so are the APs. and the bubbles do burst.

Please don't let your brains lie to you any longer. You are worthy. He just wasn't strong enough to help you keep your wifely crown on where it belonged. But you are growing that strength right now.

Put your wifely crown back on again, and shine. She really does not have anything on you.

Thank you Chaos & Uxorpatricius. It’s just so hard but you already know that.

mamcesto,

I get where your're coming from about your self-esttem and self-image after your husband was with a much yonger woman.

Mine was with several over hundreds of times at massage parlours.

I can bet my life they were not 55 with cellulite, flabby arms and a baby stretched tummy.

Competing with mind movies of your husband being pleasured by young, eager, perky Asian whores is not easy.

I am glad you did something for yourself like getting a breast life. I am considering the same and would like to know if it made you feel better about yourself. Did it help you feel sexy, more desirable.

I need a boost of self-confidence. My breasts have bothered me for years after nursing 3 babies (the twins did them in) and feel that I want this for ME. Just as he had his fill of fun for himself, I would like this for myself.

Your thoughts?