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Betrayed Womenz Thread

Topic is Sleeping.
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cocoplus5nuts ( Member #45796) posted at 3:38 AM on Sunday, August 25th, 2019

I just asked him if he thought of going to hell when he committed adultery. He said he did not. I asked if that wasn't one of the 10 commandments. He said exactly what I expected, there is always penance. So, of course, I responded by saying that it seems he can do whatever he wants as long as he asks for forgiveness. Then, what is the point in religion? Makes no sense to me.

The idea of his soul going to hell for what he was doing never entered his mind.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8426706
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 12:14 PM on Sunday, August 25th, 2019

If you are religious, particularly Catholic, isn't that how you are raised?

It is one of the big 10.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8426753
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cocoplus5nuts ( Member #45796) posted at 2:45 PM on Sunday, August 25th, 2019

Isn't what how you are raised? To follow the 10 commandments, or that you can do whatever you want as long as you ask for forgiveness? From what my fch said, it's both. You should follow the 10 commandments, but we are all sinners. So, it is a given that you will sin, in which case, all you have to do to get out of hell is say you are sorry. I think my fch thought getting a D was worse than committing adultery.

He doesn't really believe that stuff anymore. He says he's more spiritual than religious now. I'm slowly bringing him to the lighter side. Hehe

Is there any way to post a pic I have saved on my phone? I think it's perfect for this group.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8426778
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 4:25 PM on Sunday, August 25th, 2019

I haven’t ever figured out the pict thing.

Yah, I thought it was sin and go to hell. I tend to forget the confess and be forgiven part.

Funny how he thought divorce was worse. Don’t remember that in the big 10.

Funny how everything in life grey.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8426817
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cocoplus5nuts ( Member #45796) posted at 6:42 PM on Sunday, August 25th, 2019

Funny how he thought divorce was worse. Don’t remember that in the big 10.

I think that was a distorted message he received from his FOO. D was seen as failure. He could not be a failure. He already was a sinner by nature of being human.

I found the image online, but it's an item for sale. I know I'm not allowed to post that link.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8426873
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 6:42 PM on Sunday, August 25th, 2019

Chiming in here. Not only is adultery breaking one of the Big Ten BUT it is THREE of the SEVEN DEADLY S. Yup - for those math geeks - that accounts for 42.9% of the Deadly Sins right there. Lust - check! Greed - Check! Gluttony - Check! Hell [see what I did there - that's punny] - throw in the Envy of the double life lifestyle and the Anger of DDay and the Pride because adulterers think they are above it all - they are now up to 85.7% of all the Deadly Sins.

As for confession - true confession is good for the soul. But Judgement Day is probably not what any of us are going to expect.

That concludes this episode of The Sunday Chaos

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3264   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8426874
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TX1995 ( Member #58175) posted at 8:05 PM on Sunday, August 25th, 2019

I think that most people underestimate what it really means to repent for forgiveness. This is probably the fault of the church. Catholics (my WH was one and I come from a long line) in particular tend to minimize what is needed for forgiveness. Confess and be absolved by the priest, right? It goes deeper than that. True forgiveness and reconciliation takes work. In my opinion, just saying I’m sorry and going back to who you were means jack shit. Both in your marriage reconciliation and in your walk with God. He knows the difference. On a side note, Easter was one week after our initial DDay. COWhore posted a picture of herself, OBS and their boys, all hugging. She said the day was for knowing you are wholly loved and forgiven. A day later she was trying to get my husband back into the A. Yep, words don’t mean shit when you are a wayward. And God is no dummy. I do think that if someone truly reforms themselves, that when the stand in judgement God will see their hearts. But the ones who just said what was needed to be said and didn’t fully change, well, the day won’t go so well...and they are truly fucked because they are out of time to change.

Anyone ever hear the Old Dominion song “Some people do”? Goes along with what we are talking about. I don’t actually listen to country (though I was a fan of the 80s/90s country classic artists like George Strait.) but on a family trip a few weeks ago with friends, one of my girlfriends kept saying “you have to hear this song”. She said it multiple times over three days and kept trying to play it (in the country we had bad reception). I don’t know why she was so intent on it as she has no idea of our situation...but once I heard the words I wonder if maybe that was one of those times when God is whispering something...I seem to have had a few of those since this last DDay.

And that’s MY Sunday morning sermon!

W2B - Don’t know where you are in TX, but I’m guessing you are HOT! Enjoy your visit! And have some good TexMex. Hotels are now on my list. As are AirBNBs. Shot, seems like my list went from small to massive. I do want to overcome them but it pisses me off that I even have to. Fucking cheaters ruin so much!

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8426889
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northeasternarea ( Member #43214) posted at 8:51 PM on Sunday, August 25th, 2019

There is religion, and there is relationship. As the priest said this morning, going to church every Sunday doesn't mean you have a relationship with Jesus.

The only person you can change is yourself.

posts: 4263   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2014
id 8426900
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TX1995 ( Member #58175) posted at 1:27 AM on Monday, August 26th, 2019

Amen northeastern. Amen. Just because you walk into church on Sunday doesn't mean you have a relationship with God. Just like walking into a gym once a week doesn't make you an athlete.

Got an exciting week ahead. WH has an appointment with a lawyer to deal with the pre-nup stuff. I don't want to handle it anymore. Also have my neurofeedback appointment. Which I am VERY much looking forward to. Are we allowed to share podcasts here? I'd love to see if anyone has listened to/really liked any. I'm obsessed with any infidelity related podcasts and have a few I've really liked (though I usually shy away from any that do marriage blaming or co-d focus - I'm more interested in the the partner trauma model or real testimonies from people who have been there and done that. Would love to share any I have liked and get any recs from y'all if we are allowed...

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8426992
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 2:05 AM on Monday, August 26th, 2019

Here are the ones I listen to.

Alone, a love story. (CBC) a story af a woman’s journey. Rather different.

Recovery room. Like this guy.

OYF

From betrayal to breakthrough,,, about women in recovery. Liking this so far.

Also a Brene brown fan. She has three podcasts on super soul.

Betrayal trauma recovery.

Love to hear about more. ....

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 4:06 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8427010
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cocoplus5nuts ( Member #45796) posted at 3:32 AM on Monday, August 26th, 2019

Confess and be absolved by the priest, right? It goes deeper than that. True forgiveness and reconciliation takes work.

I guess that's why my fch said penance instead of repent. But, that doesn't take into account the idea that one can confess on their deathbed and/or accept Jesus as their savior and go to heaven.

I don't listen to podcasts. I don't have the patience. I can't even watch a 2 minute video.

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8427049
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 12:28 PM on Monday, August 26th, 2019

That's why I say Judgement Day will go a lot different than many think.

I go through phases of podcasts and reading and such. After a while it becomes too much. When I find myself cursing back at them - time to switch gears. The beauty of the off button

And may I say FUCK Monday's now where's the damn coffee?

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3264   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8427127
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 1:31 PM on Monday, August 26th, 2019

Fuck Mondays. For realz.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3138   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8427156
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cocoplus5nuts ( Member #45796) posted at 3:14 PM on Monday, August 26th, 2019

Darn it! I thought I had found a way to share that image, but it didn't work.

ETA to fix post.

[This message edited by cocoplus5nuts at 9:19 AM, August 26th (Monday)]

Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life

posts: 6899   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2014   ·   location: Virginia
id 8427199
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gmc94 ( Member #62810) posted at 5:17 PM on Monday, August 26th, 2019

I use IMGUR for photos to post on SI. I think you need to create an account, but am not 100% sure (last week I think I uploaded/linked w/o signing in to imgur).

So - upload photo to imgur.

Select that photo and a box opens in imgur. On the right side is a list of links to that photo. I use the one that says "BBCode" (message boards and forums). That code will already have the img tags that SI adds when you use their tool for images (IOW, if you use this method you will not have to use the SI button for images, just copy/paste and done). Click the "copy" button on that line of code, then paste into an SI post.

Now - I'm pasting that link and praying that it will work.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:50 AM, August 27th, 2019 (Tuesday)]

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3365   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8427245
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TX1995 ( Member #58175) posted at 5:22 PM on Monday, August 26th, 2019

Coco - I think it's a weird idea too (the whole accepting Jesus right before you die thing) but I still think that God knows your heart. Words are words, but saying them and feeling them as truth are different. He knows the difference.

TallGirl - Thanks for the recs. I hadn't heard of the OYF or Alone. I also didn't realize Brene had done Super Soul 3x. I have only listened to one.

I used to listen to infidelity podcasts before sleep, but I've changed that up for something more uplifting. Either something ridiculous like My Dad Wrote a Porno or a Pema Chodron audiobook. I save the infidelity podcasts for the car and cleaning house. :)

Here's my list:

Infidelity-related:

Helping Couples Heal (this is the 2 therapists that also did that double podcast of the Addicted Brain that is occasionally bumped up on the thread titled something like "Finally a therapist that understands the BS) By far my favorite for the betrayed spouse.

Healing Broken Trust

The Betrayed, The Addicted, The Expert

Anatomy of Marriage (I really liked the episode with Steven Stosny)

Betrayal Recovery Radio

(All of the above have good episodes but some I didn't like and also a few have gotten very into selling you a "program" which I don't like either)

Sex, Love and Addiction with Robert Weiss

I also don't like Esther Perel but her Where Should We Begin was pretty interesting. Not all about infidelity but a weird look into therapy for couples with Esther. Some interesting couples - like the one that role play in French.

Non-Infidelity Shows:

Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - his interview with John Gottman was so good that my WH not only listened to it three times, he tells everyone else to listen to it.

The Enneagram Journey with Suzanne Stabile

Typology with Ian Morgan Cron

And the above mentioned My Dad Wrote a Porno

Stories I've Enjoyed (a la Serial)

Dr. Death

Over My Dead Body

The Shrink Next Door

The Teacher's Pet

Dirty John

Young Charlie

And I agree. Fuck Mondays.

I'm the BS. WH had a 3 month EA/PA with a cOW. DDay was 4/17. Working on R. Married 15 years and together 20 at DDay.
DDay #2 and #3 6/19. Grew a conscience and admitted a full blown physical affair. Now in limbo.

posts: 983   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8427248
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 7:08 PM on Monday, August 26th, 2019

Tx.

I have listened to healing broken trust. All of them. Twice. We had 2 calls with him. Super super expensive.

Omg. My dad wrote a porno is hilarious. I am on season 2. They have a good thing going.

I am now looking for healing and find yourself content.

Thx I will check out your recommendations.

ETA. Have no great love for Esther either but her couple interviews are interesting.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 1:10 PM, August 26th (Monday)]

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8427324
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 7:08 PM on Monday, August 26th, 2019

Oh yah and fuck Monday’s.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8427326
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Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 11:04 PM on Monday, August 26th, 2019

cocoplus5nuts...I'm happy to see that you asked him . My H didn't say anything to me when I made that statement out loud...but it sure planted that seed! Time will tell if he takes this to heart. I know it sure changed my H for the better when he started reading his Bible . My H isn't Catholic...but he sure knew adultery wasn't something he should be doing!! He told me that he didn't realize how much was written about adultery in the Bible until he started reading it...and NOTHING about adultery is good .

I know I was taught that even if you are repentant and are forgiven...you still have the consequences of your actions. Just look at King David and his consequence for his adulterous affair with Bathsheba...and David was a man after God's own heart!!

It is funny you say that about what your H feels about D. God abhors divorce...but from what I understand...in the Bible it states that a D is acceptable if a person commits ADULTERY. Our H's...along with every WS...have skewed ways of thinking !!!

TX1995...I agree with you and I feel God knows what is in our heart also . It IS very HOT over here!!! It went from the 100's to the 90's though !!! Thank God for swimming pools at hotels !!!

It is so upsetting that we BS's have to conquer these triggers...but it is very much worth it in the end . Don't let THEM win!!! That is what I kept saying to myself every time I felt like giving up on conquering a trigger. I REFUSED to allow myself to give THEM any more of MY life. THEY had already taken enough...FUCK THAT!!!

I had never heard the song "Some People Do"...so thanks for mentioning it! I thought it was pretty cool . I used to love country music...until DDay came. My H started listening to contemporary Christian music...and they sounded really nice. They weren't as triggery either...so I started listening to them...and have really ENJOYED listening to them...WIN-WIN .

I am going to sound really OLD here...but how do you get to podcasts? I see them mentioned a lot...and TED talks too...but I don't know how to go about looking at them. Hmmm...maybe I should google it !!!

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8427448
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Tallgirl ( Member #64088) posted at 12:19 AM on Tuesday, August 27th, 2019

W2BH

Do you have an apple device?

They come with a podcast app. Or you can download it.. I use it from my iPad or iPhone. There are other ways to get them. Most websites have audio files you can download.

Let me know and I will see if I can help.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8427509
Topic is Sleeping.
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