Ahhhh...normal. I would wake in the morning and for a split second I would feel normal. Then, I would remember. Oh, yeah, he betrayed me. HE. BETRAYED. ME. Of all the people in the world, you chose to betray me. I thought I was going to die of sadness and humiliation.
Womenz, I didn't find SI until eight months post d-day. I told no one except: our MC and our local morning radio broadcaster during one of his broadcast shows. I was desperate to have someone to talk to other than counselors about all this.
I literally do not remember much of those eight months, but especially the summer. I feel I was very traumatized. I only had very brief bouts of anger (very unusual for me). Mostly, I was so sad. Just. So. Fucking. Sad. I cried all the time. At any time. Why am I the only one bawling in cars sitting in traffic? Why am I the only one crying whilst walking the aisles of Target? Am I the only one that has been so brutally betrayed?
I will say my FWH was really surprised at how I reacted on d-day. He thought for sure full blown, fiesty, angry, fire brand, Irish tempered (named after a nun and I have three saintly first names) Milkshake was going to kick him to the curb that very night. D-day actually happened during dinner. With DS12 sitting there, although, we were speaking in code. So.Fucking. Surreal. From the very start as I received a letter from the grave, from a zombie, I guess.
Well, FWH was no more surprised than I was when we continued discussions in our bedroom and we wound up having the best, ferocious, crazy fucking sex that we hadn't had in a long time. (Ummmmm like maybe FUCKING 7-8 fucking years!) That didn't mean I was going to reconcile, though. Didn't know what I wanted to do for a few weeks, at least.
This is getting way longer than I had anticipated and don't know if you want to know my journey to "normal". Actually, I can't write about my journey to normal because 1. it would be a book 2. I ain't normal 3. but feel normal again. KWIM? Maybe not. See #2.
Anyway, found SI. My healing, our healing, our reconciliation, went into high gear. I had found my anger about 6-8 months. Right about the same time I found SI. I thought maybe FWH and I would be superstars and heal quicker than the 2-5 year time line. Naw, it probably took me all of 5 years to heal and to feel like life was "normal" again.
Things for us are back to normal. That doesn't mean that some things haven't changed because they have. But, life feels normal again. I do believe that most everyone that works on their healing, whether divorcing or reconciling, will feel normal again.
All this to let you know, dear womenz, you will feel normal again. It takes time and healing. Life will be normal, it will have all the colours.