I am in Greece now, on an Island, and it reminds me so much of our trip to France last year. That was one of the best trips I've ever had, I think. The kayaking, the flyboarding, the food, the snorkelling, the dolphins! Remember the dolphins? The boat trip into the caves and then our own boat trip.
But I also remember that night you got way too drunk and we had a fight. You accusing me of not speaking my mind, not showing the back of my tongue. And it's true, I didn't. Truth is that I didn't want to have sex with you a couple days earlier because I just wanted to relax uninterrupted by the pool. Truth is I wanted to fool around a little but let the excitement rise, not jump into bed immediately. I had just laid down on the sunbed, for fucks sake.
Truth is that I realized that I had felt for a long time that you didn't have any good qualities that I would want our children to have. You mentioned something you did as I kid, I thought it was adorable and told you I wish our future kids would do that too. You said well, thats the first time you said something like that and I remembered a previous conversation we had where I told you specificially what I did NOT want our kids to inherit from u. I realized that it was quite mean of me to say omly this little thing that I wanted but you said it was actually quite nice that I wanted one of your characteristics after all. I felt so bad after that. I remember going to the bathroom and thinking what a horrible person I am, to love somebody but not want any of their traits for our children. I felt so bad about myself. Now I think, if I felt that, if I knew that, that should have told me enough about you as a person and what I think of you. I shouldn't have felt bad, I should have listened to that feeling. I shouldn't have gaslit myself, like I did the summer before. Ohh, its so hard knowing what is intuition and what is anxiety. But this was a very clear sign, again, of you not being the right person for me.
I dont know if tried to explain it to you before but the truth is that all the traits I saw in you at that time, that were desirable, were traits I already posessed myself. So obviously my kids would get that from me. (A little conceited? I dont think so but sure.) So what would you bring to the mix?
Even the good traits that I dont have(easygoing, kind) were pitfalls, because yoi were such a people pleaser.
Later I would see those qualities that I do like, you are supportive of hobbies and interests, you are supportive of jobs. You dont take yourself too seriously amd can make fun of yourself in weird little dances or weird hairstyles. Or I would rediscover qualities that I had seen before Dday. Your ability to solve problems, to learn, to create.
Back to the speaking my mind, because this is not a loveletter, this is a complaint. You asked me whether I was ashamed of yoi and yes, yes I was, yes I am. I told you that night that I was. I was ashamed that I stayed with someone who treated me so horribly. I felt so, so ashamed. In the end this was one of the biggest reasons that I broke up with you. Even if I ended up trusting you again, even if you did your real work to R (which you didnt), the innocence is gone. I would never be able to introduce you with pride to anyone ever again. Not with that feeling of pride and excitement I had before, where I was showing you off to my friends. I would neverrr be able to introduce you like that to my family. And even when thinking of you as a good partner, Id think "but he did cheat on me"
And the thing is, I should have known. The moment you told me you had fucked Z before we met, I should have known you were bad news. Because Z was your friends girl! And they were together at the time. And you fucked her. You made it seem as if it was only once, you fucker. But how could you do that? And even if she told you they were in an open relationship (which yes, is something that she would do) and even if everybody else believed they were in an open relationship, why would you not verify that with your friend? Check if its something he would be okay with. You told me that he once dared you to kiss her, thay you thought he knew about you two fucking, a year later that would turn out not to be the case. The poor guy had no motherfucking clue. I could ruin your life right now. I could text him right now, telling him the truth of who was fuvking his girlfriend nehind his back. Because I know you guys are on a trip together now. I wont because I dont want to get involved in your mess again. And he is not with her anymore. I should have known then you cannot be trusted. Who fucks his friends girl? You told me you were going to come clean, when he realized she was sleeping behind his back, you told me you were going to tell him it was with you. You didn't. You fucking coward. I felt so sick with that, I didnt want to have sex with you. You were hurt and you thought I wasnt attracted to you, again. WHICH WAS TRUE! WHY DIDNT I TELL YOU I WAS DISGUSTED BY YOU! GODD, why didnt I speak my mind? Why was I so afraid to hurt your feelings? You are awful! You chose her over me in another way too and I was still pissed aboit that. I still am! You are a coward, a nobody, a loser! I felt uncomfortable having sex with you afterwards because it felt like a chore. Because you would always be whiny when I didnt feel like it. While I was always understanding when you didnt feel like it. Thats one of the biggest reasons you cheated, you motherfucking asshole. You need that validation, you need to be wanted becauseyou dont feel secure withour physical validation. You disgust me.
And you always had poor boundaries with you female friends. I knew that. You had kissed 1 im an alleyway, you fucked another (Z), you got into a relationship with 2 and you cheated on me with 3. So 4 female friends youve touched. I didnt trust you with women at all! And you stayed friends with that horrible douchebag who cheated on his GF multiple times! And I feel he was more upset aboit you abandoning him on DDay, than you betraying me. Fucker.
I also should have known you were an asshole and a cheater when you told me you cheated on your first girlfriend when you were a teenager, because she asked you not to break up with her until after graduation. THAT WAS NOT AN INVITATION TO CHEAT! YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED FAITHFUL OR BROKEN UP. And the fucked up thing is that even as an adult you didnt see what was wrong about that. You didnt feel bad about it. You justified it. You are horrible.
I never liked your past, the drinking especially. But also the missing school and smoking pot. You spoke about it with some pride but it is nothing to be proud of. I was a nerd, I loved school, I loved being there, I loved seeing my friends, I loved learning stuff. I hated your past of skipping school and drinking enormois amounts of alcohol as a young kid. Now I know to avoid that kind of person. I want someone who also loved school. And even if they did drink a lot during college years, I want them to at least feel bad about ir and not proud.
I am so glad I broke up with you. I will never have to navigate how to parent with you.