You showed me again why I ended it with you. I had to extract an apology from you, because you overstepped my boundaries again. I told you you did and instead of vocally acknowledging that, you deflecting with something else. Telling me if I don't need contact, I should just say so. I thought you knew, but maybe I didn't say it. But still, you overstepped the boundary I did communicate with you, so why would saying this out loud be any different? You ask for clear communication but when I do, you don't respect it.
You messaged me, in the middle of the night, again. And when I didn't respond fast enough, I guess, you baited me with some emotionally manipulative bullshit. Talking about how one of the reasons I ended our relationship is because of your insane daily rhythm and how you're such an idiot. You wanted me to engage. I didn't. Yes, it is one of the reasons but only a minor one. Another reason is that you're emotionally manipulative and another reason is that you don't respect boundaries. Another reason is that you don't have your own boundaries. And when I point out that you overstep mine, you don't apologize but you spin the 'woe is me' tale. 'I'm only human' you said. Yes and humans make mistakes and then apologize.
"I'm a bad person, I'm awful, I hate myself, I am only human" this is not what accountability looks like. If I have to console you after you've hurt ME, because you feel bad about making me feel bad, then something is very wrong.
Even after we were over, I was there for you when you were sick. But you know, that's over now. And every new situation you might normally lean on me? You can handle that by yourself now. You're a big boy.
You don't add to my life, you substract from it. I have been so much more at peace since I broke up with you. My life has almost no drama without you in it. While yours, the way I hear it, you're doing pretty great of creating your own mess. Drinking on a monday because you realized that I was never going to give you another chance and then texting your colleagues in the middle of the night and spewing your frustrations about your job on social media? That's almost harassment. I am so glad I dodged that bullet.
Last time I was on the verge of texting you, I was ovulating. As soon as I realized that, I stopped myself dead in my tracks and used my BOB. I'm good now. That's all there was to it.
Even any residual feelings of love are slowly fading. That's because I see your destructive patterns so clearly now, nothing has changed with you. While I am doing my best to recover and heal. I am working on myself to create the life I want and I am actually happy doing that. I am working on myself to become a better person and a better partner. There are pitfalls, of course. I have read a book about relationship conflicts and after finishing it, I thought 'maybe if we had this book when we were still together' or 'maybe if he knew this', but that's the wrong line of thinking. Facts are: *I* bought that book after a recommendation from *my* therapist and *I* read that book and reflected on *myself*. I am doing the work, just like I have been doing during our whole false R.
All you were doing was waiting until you could get back to your 'normal' life. Well, go ahead then. You were supposed to be over the moon, because now you can do whatever the fuck you want. But you're not. Because you lost ME. And I think you realize what you have lost. You lost a very strong and special woman. Even if you find another woman who is as strong and independent and amazing, you will not be able to keep her. You don't have it in you. Strong women want to be with strong men.
You are not a strong man. You are a weak, entitled boy. You think you have it hard because of your mental health and FOO issues, but you should realize I have that ánd a lot of other struggles in my life, including the trauma from your betrayal. And still I'm thriving! I am taking my life into my own hands, I am working to do and be better. What's your excuse?
I have blocked you and I am now so much stronger than I was the last time I asked for no contact. I know I broke NC then, but it won't happen again. I know my triggers of missing you now and I know how to handle them, either make sure I minimize them or avoid them all together. And even if I fail, I will try again. Again and again until you're out of my life. Just like I stopped smoking, which was a horrible addiction, that's how I'm going to stop you. You were a horrible addiction and so bad for me, both in the short term and in the long term, with only a couple of good hits in between. Cold turkey didn't work for me, the first time around, but now I have my tools.