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Newest Member: onthefence2024

New Beginnings :
Is Marriage stupid?

Topic is Sleeping.
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 4:03 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

You know why I now believe it's stupid? Because it relies on the idea of both people being equally committed and in love. Um, I don't really buy into that as reasonable or likely, especially long term. It seems to me like one person always has one or more of the following, even early on. And this quality eventually tanks the balance and thus the R.

One person in a marriage always has at least one or more of these creating an imbalance:

Has a bigger ego

Has a larger need for validation

Has lower self-esteem

Has more romantic options

Has more outside connections

Has more complaints about the M

Has more unrealistic notions about M

Has more of a need to be M

Defines themselves more by the M

Has more avoidance issues

Is a better compartmentalizer

Has less to lose in a D

Cares less

Has more interpersonal issues

Is a poor communicator

Has piss poor boundaries

Is naive

Is controlling

Is SELFISH

OIN- so are you saying that people are just piss poor partner selectors? Because I look at your list and I don't want to marry that

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 5 years) & DBF (dating 4 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 917   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8733317
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 10:46 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Yeah no I won't be walking the aisle again. I was hesitant about M to begin with now it's just a hard no. Too expensive and legalities that drag on and on. Wasn't an easy process to get S/D. No reason to ever do it again.

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8804   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8733423
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deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 5:16 AM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

I respect the opinion of those that love marriage and I respect the opinion of those that do not love marriage. I do not love it. I’m in my 40’s and hear all the time that I should not say that at this stage, but I am happier with that particular freedom. I love the guy I am with, but I am not feeling the need to sign a piece of paper. We have our own version of commitment. It works for us. It also gives me peace of mind that I am in control of my own destiny.

Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.

posts: 3322   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 8733486
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 9:08 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

Just a comment on Common Law— there are only a handful of states in the US that recognize common law. So if you are not married in the other states, you do not get the protections that marriage can provide (re finances and such).
Sad that we have to worry about that. sad

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6025   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8733595
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wildbananas ( member #10552) posted at 11:28 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

I mostly believe in love. I know there are happy marriages out there.

Me personally, I don't see the point of marriage and I don't think I'll ever do it again. I might feel differently if I was younger and looking to have kids but today? Hard pass. I can commit without a piece of paper. And I've given myself WAY more stability than I ever had when I was married.

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

posts: 16592   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2006   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8734026
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Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 12:45 AM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

Yes it is, I would never do it again. I’m doing well in R, but feel sorry for people getting married or seeing someone propose in public.
And don’t get me started on my opinion of "soulmates"

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3458   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8734147
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:54 AM on Thursday, May 19th, 2022

What ? You don’t believe in soulmates?

Lol

Standing tall

posts: 2222   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8735957
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 10:46 PM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

^ laugh
^^ laugh laugh

Many DDays. Me (BW) 49 Him (WH) 52 Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 335   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8736929
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:51 AM on Wednesday, May 25th, 2022

And don’t get me started on my opinion of "soulmates"

I thought I was the only one who felt this way.

I want to slap people who say this or believe this.

My H never was or will be my soulmate. He doesn’t complete me. I never felt this way - not about anyone!

Glad I’m not alone here.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13950   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8736990
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gracelesslady ( member #21550) posted at 7:40 PM on Thursday, May 26th, 2022

I can't make a sweeping pronouncement that marriage is stupid for everyone. I don't believe that it is. But I can say, without hesitation, marriage isn't something I want to get caught up in again, at this point in my life.

In a committed relationship with a wonderful man for nearly 5 years now. I read that what we are doing has a name: LAT (Living Apart Together). It's working for us and I can't imagine a compelling reason to change.

BW (me) 63XWH 59OW#1 28MOW#2 35OW#3 38DDay #1 Aug 2008DDay #2 Oct 2008DDay #3 Apr 2015S since Apr 2015D final Jun 2017

posts: 248   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2008   ·   location: Delray Beach, FL
id 8737264
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wildbananas ( member #10552) posted at 8:46 PM on Thursday, May 26th, 2022

I read that what we are doing has a name: LAT (Living Apart Together). It's working for us and I can't imagine a compelling reason to change.

Same. I've been with SO for years and I have no desire to move in. We live on the same street, 2 houses between us, and that's about a close as I want to get to living together. Maybe someday I'll change my mind but I don't see that happening any time soon.

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

posts: 16592   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2006   ·   location: Somewhere
id 8737275
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Backtosayhi ( new member #72007) posted at 10:41 PM on Thursday, May 26th, 2022

I don't think marriage is stupid. The studies indicate it is the best situation for kids. But if one doesn't want kids, or more kids, I don't see the point.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2019   ·   location: London
id 8737291
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keptmyword ( member #35526) posted at 9:24 PM on Thursday, June 2nd, 2022

And don’t get me started on my opinion of "soulmates"

Yes, the notion is fantasy, romance novel bullshit that has been foisted into our pop-culture via the entertainment industry.

My XWW has called every single man she dated/married, with teary-eyed emotional emphasis, her "soulmate" and "The love of her life."

I pity her current husband because I know she has heaved up the same steaming bullshit to him that she told me and every other guy.

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1230   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8738274
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getbusyliving ( member #71058) posted at 9:48 AM on Friday, June 3rd, 2022

I bought into the idea of soulmates with my WH a 1000 years ago when we were young and believed we would be true to each other for ever. What a load of bollocks that was. Well I kept my end of the bargain but he certainly didn't. I don't like marriage because I don't like weddings - just don't get them or why you would spend so much money on them and everyone I knew who had a biggish wedding found them so stressful. I also hated my father so would never have allowed him to walk me down some aisle so would never have had a wedding as it would have been too awkward. I do still grieve sometimes for the loss of my belief in being fully committed to another person as a life partner. I did believe in that and while I try to now, it has been so tarnished by infidelity. I do believe in my commitment to myself and trusting myself which has been something I have worked on in my recovery. Perhaps that is the only true marriage. smile

posts: 102   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2019
id 8738336
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Notaboringwife ( member #74302) posted at 3:21 PM on Friday, June 3rd, 2022

Marriage is not stupid, gushing over your spouse is not stupid either.

Expectations about what happens in a marriage between people may be unrealistic.

fBW. My heart is scarred.

posts: 363   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8738465
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:31 PM on Saturday, June 4th, 2022

Well my marriage was certainly stupid and soulless. My ex met his soulmate on a pay for sex site, so maybe there are soul mates after all.

Anyone who believes in soulmates just haven’t had their souls crushed yet. The idea gives me the willies now.

Standing tall

posts: 2222   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8738622
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20yrsagoBS ( member #55272) posted at 2:06 AM on Sunday, June 5th, 2022

There’s no point in marriage, not the way there seemed to be when I got married.


I could have had kids, then raised them, without being married

BW, 54 WH 53 When you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas

posts: 2199   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2016   ·   location: Tampa Bay Area, Florida
id 8738689
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phmh ( member #34146) posted at 3:55 AM on Sunday, June 5th, 2022

you do not get the protections that marriage can provide (re finances and such)

For the higher earner (as I am in my current relationship and as I will almost always certainly be even if my current relationship ends) I don't see any protection from marriage - only risks of having to pay someone. Financially, if you are the higher earner, I see no point in legal marriage. I had to pay my WXH $$$ to divorce and I'm not putting my financial stability at risk ever again.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

posts: 4993   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2011
id 8738695
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 10:51 PM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2022

I wouldn’t say it’s stupid, but people certainly go into them for plenty of the wrong reasons. It’s just difficult to tell who actually wants to be married from who’s only putting up a front.

posts: 556   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8739099
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ToastedOats ( member #49617) posted at 11:08 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2022

Are cars stupid? Only as stupid as their drivers.

I imagine if you have a car with two steering wheels. On one wheel there is a safe conscientious driver who can keep themselves safe, follow the rules of the road, and enjoys the trip regardless of the work involved to maintain the car. On the other wheel, you have someone who just wants to do what they want to do, regardless of the damage they can do to others around them or themselves. The car would get nowhere pretty quickly, and look pretty stupid.

I suppose marriage is the same? It depends on the partners in the marriage. The marriage can only be as good as the two in it. Again the problem arises when one or both aren't willing to be good partners. It will get nowhere pretty quickly. Or if one or both stop putting in the work to be a good partner, you get the same result.

Like with anything. There is a risk. Some risks have high returns others don't. Marriage? If your partners are great you have a very high return that keeps on giving...if not? Well. It can cost more than anything in your whole life. Do your homework and make sure your partner is a good driver ;)

posts: 68   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015
id 8742223
Topic is Sleeping.
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