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Just Found Out :
2+ years feels like Yesterday

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 CruiseControl (original poster new member #79784) posted at 9:38 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

Not quite sure why I’m posting this... Venting I suppose... I’ve looked at these forums and took advise from them for a couple of years at this point but just never posted... for some reason I feel like sharing my story today...

I’ve been with my wife for about 25 years. Married for 20. We have a 21 year son. It’s been a little over 2 years now since her affair. It lasted about 6 months during which she "left" and "came back" several times... And was lying to me every day during that time.

I found out about the affair 3 months in when her lover’s wife found the phone he was using to communicate with her. That’s when she told me about it, before the other wife would. In early December of 2019.

We were going through a rough patch at the time and it had been for a while at that point. I was in shock cause I never expected that from her. That said,my initial reaction was somewhat of a relief. We had a very civil conversation later that day, and I agreed that the magic was gone from the relationship; That we were essentially roommates at that point and that she might be better off leaving me for him, which is what she said she wanted to do.

She was leaving on a business trip the next day and her plan was to not come back and move in with him when she came back.

A few days in of being alone, the reality of the situation sunk in and I fell apart... I realized I didn’t want her to go... I couldn’t eat or sleep... I could just cry... I was reaching out to her via texts asking if we could talk... She was distant and had stopped referring to me as her husband at that point... She had totally disconnected from me...

On the day she was moving out (same day she was coming back from her business trip) she agreed to come over for us to talk... after a few hours, and with no force or anger of any kind on my part, she agreed that she also wanted to stay... At that point, she drove to her lovers house to "break it off" and to gather the belongings that she had already moved there. She had actually emptied out her closet without me having noticed... (she has her own prep room with separate closet)

She came back right before Xmas. We spent what I thought were nice holidays, but as I will explain later, I realized a few weeks later that she was still in contact with him and was still seeing him...

Going into January, I felt her getting more and more distant... I knew what it was, but she insisted that she was here and that there was no contact... I remember one specific (of several) hard discussions during that period where I was crying, with my hand on her heart, telling her that I trusted her no matter what... That the only thing I asked was for her to tell me if she had any kind of contact with him. She looked me in the eyes and promised she didn’t and would tell me if she did...

A month or 2 went by... due to the structure of our mobility phone bill, I didn’t see the historical data of her mobility use, but I found out I could go online to see it. It took through March for me to be able to see the whole picture, but once I did, I realized she had never broken it off... she was texting him several times a day and had almost daily calls of 30 mins to 2 hours... Which includes through Xmas and Valentine’s Day... I was heart broken...

We talked again and she moved out to her "parents"... Reality is, I don’t know where she went...

At that point, though I was heart broken and could barely function, I accepted the fact that it was over and that it was time for me to move on... And I did... I slowly started feeling better... started working out, listening to music, enjoying life without any kind of pressure... I also started making arrangements for separation...

That seemed to make it real for her, because at that point, she started contacting me regularly and keeping tabs on what I was doing... Though we were in full covid lock down at the time, she would still do things in such a way that I never had time to do anything for myself. She kept tabs on me, led me on that she might come back, but still continued her relationship with her lover... Even telling her friend that she couldn’t keep her mind off of him... and admitting to me that she loved him...

Anyhow; all this to say that she strung me along for months even after she had decided to leave...

She was essentially calling the shots of what I could do and when... she eventually decided that she wanted to come back in May... I welcomed her back...

Things were good for 6 months - 1 year, but slowly started to get back to our old ways over time... She had said all these things about being a new woman, independent, happy, easy going... but all that’s gone now...

I’m just on cruise control; just being what she wants me to be... doing what she wants to do, watching what she wants to watch, seeing who she wants to see...

The frustration is building more and more every day. For me, It still feels like it was yesterday that it all happened... She seems to have forgotten about it... and gets mad at me when I have a bad day and even allude to what happened being the reason...

Reality is, I just can’t get over it... The sexual aspect of it being the worst; I just keep seeing his hands on her... Imagining her in ecstasy... I touch her and feel like I’m over his hands... and worst, his "fluids"... I feel powerless... She had gone away from sex years ago, and like I mentioned, that’s one of her ways of being that came back... I honestly thought that she had "awakened" and that things would be different... I had come accustomed to it before and accepted that it was what it was, but knowing that she slept with him more times in 6 months than she had with me in the previous 6 years just drives me insane!

As a matter of fact, during all the discussion we had during that time, I found out that in the previous years, that she had slept with at least 3 other guys; one of them being my best friend.... So I’m second guessing the low libido that she says she has... ( And no; it has nothing to do with my appearance or shape... not to brag, but I check the boxes...)

To make matters worse, during the summer, after she came back, that same friend that I mentioned earlier was over having drinks with us... yes, the one she slept with years ago... We were downstairs... I came up to get a drink... As I was walking down I could here them talking... I stayed at the bottom of the steps and listened in... they were talking about how hot it was when they did it... I peeked in and he was rubbing her back... and she was allowing him... I stepped in, told him to go... I didn’t make a big deal of it with my wife, but I was hurt...


She subsequently setup this vow renewal ceremony later in the summer and from her stand point, everything is fixed and good; as if nothing ever happened... She even talks down about people having affairs some times, legit as if she’s never done it...

I just don’t know what to do anymore... She controls everything and is seems to be happy, so long as we do everything that she considers what happy couples do... What she wants to do... I’m so bored... And frustrated.... I almost regret taking her back... Matter of fact, I feel like I made her miss an opportunity; in the sense that the guy was a millionaire...12 + years older than her... charismatic and so on... (weird part is, he’s the brother of one of my buddies... I’ve been at his house and partied with him...) I feel like she could have had the dream life and one way or another I made her miss out on it... but again; she’s the one that chose to come back... I had moved on... I really had...

Another thing is, I’ll always wonder if she just came back to her safe place because of covid... I just don’t know... what happens when we get out of it and she’s out there again... on business trips and so on where she’ll likely run into him...

Anyhow, I don’t know where I’m going with this or why I’m posting it... Just venting I guess... And I suppose sharing a cautionary tale that there may not be an easy/quick fix to this stuff...

posts: 21   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NA
id 8709925
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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 11:09 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

Wow, We have a lot to unpack here. Married 20 years. An LTA followed by some pick-me-dancing. Her needs prioritized. Her sexual attraction to you in question vis-à-vis her low libido with you and seemingly high with AP and previous partners and, more importantly, very little actual reconciliatory efforts that you have revealed.

Can you detail further her efforts to reconcile? Her attitude towards you and your betrayal trauma. Sacrifices she has made. IC attended and progress.

But, even more importantly, what do you ultimately want? Your kids have launched. You're free to start a new chapter, do you wanna make that new chapter with her?

And Yes, absolutely, there is no easy fix for this level of damage done to you, that she has done to herself and your relationship.

I suggest you do more than a vent post and lay it all out here and let us help you find a definitive way out of purgatory through a genuine authentic methodical R or a well executed D.

You're driving aimlessly through limbo on "cruise control". Let's plot you a real destination and drive that car like you stole it.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 11:23 PM, Friday, January 14th]

posts: 780   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8709942
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:29 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

The focus of this forum is to get out of infidelity. Some people do it by reconciliation and some people do it by divorce. A lot of people just live in limbo. I’m going to tell you this even though you already know it. She’s already robbed you of three years of your life that you will never get back. Her behavior for years has been anything but loving. She sounds very much like a serial cheater. They are not good for reconciliation because they have absolutely no boundaries. None of us can tell you what to do but we can certainly suggest. Find a dependable, honest, therapist who understands trauma. Find a good lawyer. Make sure you have all the information you need so that you can do what you need to do for yourself. It sounds as if she’s the one who sets the agenda in your family. That means she has the power. That’s not healthy at all. Please don’t be a doormat. I don’t mean that to be cruel, I just know that it gets you nowhere. All of us who have tried it will tell you it never works. You have to make sure you are healthy and able to stand up for yourself.

Make sure to eat healthy, stay hydrated and get enough sleep. Keep us posted.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3121   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8709944
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:53 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

I accepted the fact that it was over and that it was time for me to move on... And I did... I slowly started feeling better... started working out, listening to music, enjoying life without any kind of pressure... I also started making arrangements for separation...

That seemed to make it real for her, because at that point, she started contacting me regularly and keeping tabs on what I was doing...

You noticed how things began to change for you when you let go of the outcome and reengaged with YOUR LIFE. Why not start small by doing that again? Start building a new relationship with YOURSELF. I think you might end up being surprised by how strengthening it is when you relearn how to love and care for yourself.

You're right. Yours is a cautionary tale for what happens when we rugsweep. The WS is never incentivized to make real and meaningful changes in their character and boundaries. So, even after all she's put you through, she allows an old AP to reminisce and rub her back. That tells you clearly that she doesn't get it.

I'd say, start with baby steps. Start by improving your self-care and doing some things that YOU like doing. Be a little more selfish with your time. Do hobbies that YOU like. Eat what you want. Control the remote. Consider the 180. You'll find more info in the Healing Library, but what that will allow you to do is create some emotional distance.


Bear in mind that you can't change her. You see from what's happened the past two years that you can't change her. But you CAN change YOU. And maybe if you get to the point where you're really loving being who you are, you'll be ready to free yourself from this toxic relationship.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4888   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8709948
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oldmewasmurdered ( member #79473) posted at 11:54 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

Oh man I'm so sorry for you. This is a tough story to read.

As much as it seems she is in the driver's seat of the relationship, it is only because you allow her to sit there. Truth is you have the ultimate power, and you can exercise that power at any time by detaching and moving on from her. In fact, when you did before you saw how much it affected her to lose you. She seems like a SA, which makes you not really in R as long as she is in the SA mindset of cake eating. My parents are in this predicament and I can tell you it's pure misery for the BS. Cause the truth is life is long, even for a 50-60s person. If I were you I would ask myself "what would make the 95 year old CruiseControl happy?" Cause you still have many decades of happiness or unhappiness ahead of you. As to the details of R or D I'll leave that to the wiser SI members. Wish you all the strength my friend.

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 11:54 PM, Friday, January 14th]

posts: 75   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8709949
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 12:03 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Reading these kinds of posts from a BS makes me physically ill on behalf of a betrayed spouse. I get physically nauseated and queasy thinking about it -- like I'm reading the sickening details of a murder. It's awful. I'm so sorry your wife is such a sick narcissist.

This is soul murder and toxic abuse. Stop putting up with it. There's a scientifically documented phenomenon called "the doormat effect." You've taught your wife to treat you like a doormat and she takes sadistic pleasure in it.

You can get off this crazy merry go round any time.

[This message edited by Thumos at 12:35 AM, Saturday, January 15th]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4537   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8709950
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:43 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

She subsequently setup this vow renewal ceremony later in the summer and from her stand point, everything is fixed and good; as if nothing ever happened... She even talks down about people having affairs some times, legit as if she’s never done it...

Why would you renew vows with a proven liar?

I'm genuinely curious because this is off the table for me.

As for the rest of it, it sounds like you are living in a nightmare. Please do what you want to do. Take care of yourself first. Get therapy.

Most likely get a D. She is just a real piece of work, the way you have described her.

My heart goes out to you.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1669   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709958
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 1:15 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

All this stuff you're talking about is terrible. But first I have to ask something that is on my mind. You mentioned that AP's wife discovered their A first, and your WW told you about it, and she immediately moved in AP's house. If AP is married, how was this possible so quickly and why do you feel like you made your WW miss an opportunity? Did AP and OBS divorce?

posts: 624   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8709962
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 CruiseControl (original poster new member #79784) posted at 2:35 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

@realityblows...
Thank you for responding... As strange as it may sound, you’re the first person since it happened that I’ve communicated with on the matter laying it out to this extent...

The few people that know about it are the people that she shared with at the time stating only that "she had left me"...

Given that it was within our circle, most of my friends and neighbours knew about it, but the couple of people that did reach out to me were clueless of the real reason... And I never told them anything other than she had left...

I have no idea what she gave for reasons to her lover, which I know that all of the people in our circle knows but I do know that she talked bad about me to justify her actions...

From a stand point of "reconciling ", she did show remorse, and said she was embarrassed and so on, but at the same time, she has and pretty much always had her head in the sand about all of it... for example thinking like doing a vow renewal was a true new start me that everything was forgotten... As I mentioned, like she allows herself to talk openly about other people cheating like they’re bad people like she’s an angel...

Anyhow, there’s so much to say and so much hurt but I can’t get into it right now cause she’s back and upset cause I’m not going to bed, so I’ll do so and continue tomorrow or when I have alone time ... If you’re still around... : ) ...

Thanks for listening...

Have a good night...

posts: 21   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NA
id 8709972
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 CruiseControl (original poster new member #79784) posted at 2:55 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

@guvensiz
Quick answer is yes; he left his wife as life as she found out... and committed to my wife that he wanted her and her only...

I even stumbled upon an email he had sent her to prove that he had taken his ex off of his bank accounts... which I thought was odd to send, account #’s and all but either way... so within 3 months, they were madly in love and were planning to build a life together...

Anyhow, same as I said in my previous post, apparently, it’s bedtime, so I’ll go for now and continue at a later time...

Have a good night...

posts: 21   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2022   ·   location: NA
id 8709973
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Sadismynewname ( member #63897) posted at 11:40 AM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

While reading this is how I related to it. My husband was truly impotent for 20+ years. I stayed faithful all that time because I cared so much about his feelings. Well within three hours of meeting his AP he was attempting sexual contact. I so regret the years I could have been intimate with a man again. I so missed the closeness of sex. Why have you stayed in a relationship where you too have missed out on that intimacy she has given to so many others.

posts: 173   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northwest
id 8709990
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Mene ( member #64377) posted at 2:14 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

You need to get angry.

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 829   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8710007
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squid ( member #57624) posted at 2:47 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Wow.

It sounds like you two are seriously rugsweeping and she is entirely unremorseful. Are you okay with the idea that she is probably still cheating? Because her attitude hints that she believes she can get away with anything and will eventually get bored again.

She needs counseling. In fact, you should INSIST that she goes. It would truly show her commitment towards fixing the marriage that SHE broke. YOU should be in the driver's seat, not her. Any push-back would indicate her true feelings for you.

Dude, I hurt for you.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2583   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8710009
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 3:53 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

My WW was similar to yours.. Defied NC for too long, kept thinking her way was the best way and would argue and rant until I gave in for a peaceful life.. Then she wanted to rugsweep like it was an Olympic event, anytime I brought it up would be met with "oh god you are Still not over it??"

Please get your angry jacket on and fasten it up tight. You have no dependants, and get your ducks in order and once done then tell her calmly but without letting her control the narrative.. You can file and have time to change your mind IF she shows signs of changing for the better and people can change IF they want.

2 yrs seems a long time to now be bringing this up as an issue, but if it is an issue to you it should be one to her.. She wrecked the marriage.. She gets to do the heavy lifting.. And she does NOT get to tell you what you need to move forward..

If you need to write down what you need to say to her.. Follow the script.. And then see what her actions are.. If she truly wants things to work she will try to help you.. She will make changes.. If she pushes back on ANYTHING then you know she will NEVER change.. Then it's your choice.. You either live with that person or you don't. It's YOUR choice not hers.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 179   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8710016
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 4:01 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Reading this post made me feel awful for you, but this is the life you are actively choosing. You didn't choose betrayal, but you did willingly give up control of your life and the direction it will take from here. To be frank, your WW sounds like she is a bit loopy. You mention that you feel powerless, but you and you alone choose to remain in that position. The greatest power a BS has is to just walk away. It is a guaranteed solution to get out of infidelity. Trying to R with an unremorseful wayward serves to guarantee a lifetime if pain.

You mentioned that you started to feel better when you were alone, but she hoovered back in. It sounds to me like she enjoys keeping you tethered by giving you just enough hope that things might one day possibly change just a smidge...maybe. She knows just what buttons to press. Hell, she installed them.

My recommendation is, if this is not the version of your best life you envisioned, go your own way.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1187   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8710018
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:09 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

I read your story, and I can't remember reading from anyone as passive as you say you are.

I think the vast majority of us have feelings similar to yours when we find out about our WS's A(s). Most of us react more actively.

What do you hope to accomplish by not asserting yourself? What is keeping you from telling your W what you want and asking for it? SO what if she refuses? Refusing too much just tells you she's a bad match for you.

I, too, suggest - as strongly as I can - that you give up trying to control the outcome. Figure out what you want. Find out if your W is willing to give you what you want. Dump her if, ultimately, she won't.

How you treat yourself is much more important and impactful than how your W treats you. You deserve to treat yourself much better than you do now. Please, stop stifling yourself.

That's much easier said than done. If you want help, keep posting here AND find a good IC to work with IRL.

*****

To those who think I'm blaming the victim here, possibly including CC: Yes, in a sense I am. But this post could also be read to say,

CC, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Working on yourself is likelt to be your best path to a good life, to a life you'll enjoy. And I see your passivity as the area that should be worked on first.

It looks to me as if CC has chosen to be passive and to stifle himself. Even if CC's W were faithful, he's be stifling himself and treating himself in ways he doesn't deserve.

Further and more important: CC has it within his power to start acting in his own best interests. He can't get happy in his M without both he and his W making changes. No matter how much his W changes, he'll almost definitely stay unhappy if he stays passive. And if he gets active on his own behalf, he opens the way to a fulfilling life whether Mrs CC changes or not. That's why I focus on CC.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26534   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8710019
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 4:59 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

Further and more important: CC has it within his power to start acting in his own best interests. He can't get happy in his M without both he and his W making changes. No matter how much his W changes, he'll almost definitely stay unhappy if he stays passive. And if he gets active on his own behalf, he opens the way to a fulfilling life whether Mrs CC changes or not. That's why I focus on CC.

CC, let's take this slow. We can start right here, at this very point in time. You can't change the past, and the truth is, you will have to do some internal reconciling to get yourself to a a place where you have some internal peace. But right now, the million dollar questions are 'WHAT DO YOU WANT? ARE YOU CONTENT IN YOUR MARRIAGE TODAY? ARE YOU WILLING TO MAKE CHANGES TO BE HAPPIER?' I think if you get back to the basics, it might seem a little easier to climb out of this hole.

Don't ruminate about time that has past. You have to look forward.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3899   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8710028
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DictumVeritas ( member #74087) posted at 6:44 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

I'm going to take off the kid gloves here.

Take you testicles out of your wife's purse and re-attach them. It's bed time for you because she said so? Forget the adultery and the plethora of other men (you know the tip of the ice-berg).

You first have to make it good with the guy you see in the mirror and that reflection looks bad without those testicles.

Once you take those back, the rest of this can be addressed.

Start with the word, no, it's simple enough.

She tells you it's time for bed, you say??? NO! For effect add a HELL NO! No explanation required, you go to bed when you want to... See how simple that first step is?

Your life is but a flicker to the cosmos and only the brightest flickers are recorded by history for good or bad. Most of us just want to live our lives without being interfered with.

posts: 241   ·   registered: Mar. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: South-Africa
id 8710045
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 7:34 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

I'm going to say what I think every BH on this forum is thinking: "Dude! What the Hell?!?!"

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3817   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8710055
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 11:30 PM on Saturday, January 15th, 2022

DictumVeritas, you have a pm.

As a general reminder, please post respectfully.

posts: 10007   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8710093
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