Newest Member: Chickenhawk

Divorce/Separation :
Hanging on by a thread

Topic is Sleeping.
sad1

 crazyblindsided (original poster member #35215) posted at 4:40 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

I am sitting here forcing myself to work with tears running down my face. I cried the whole 30 minute drive in too. This morning me and STBX got into it. Basically he is blaming me for where the M is at, but he didn't stop there he berated me saying I have done nothing to help out. That's all I do is help out I keep the household running, take care of the kids and animals, work a very stressful job 40 hours a week. I know he is disordered and I shouldn't listen to any of it, but it's hard not to take it personally and I'm tired.

On the up side I found an apartment that I really like. I had to look for another way out because my renters won't be able to move until March 2021 and my current living condition with IHS is starting to break me down. Today I felt suicidal but I will not act on it nor will I hurt myself. My kids are too important than to have a mother that can't get her shit together.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8568661
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ThisIsSoLonely ( member #64418) posted at 5:31 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

I'm glad you are getting out of there - somehow I was able to emotionally detach from WH while in IHC - I know this is a rare feat. At some point my self-preservation mode and my give a shit about him mode switched places. Since then I feel 1000x better.

Like most people, I think you will have this swap when you get away from your WS, and it won't take long. I think you're ready - more ready than you know in your own head even. Keep believing in yourself...and the next time that shit happens end the conversation fast - and say so. Say outloud to your WS if you must that you are ending the conversation because he has finally pushed you so hard you just have lost interest in caring.

I remember saying something like that for the first time to my WH. He looked stunned. In my case it was normally me trying to talk to him about something and him silently listening, saying nothing, and likely being really pissed at me for bringing it up. So I started to talk, but it was short and was headed for the same old shit, him silent and me talking "at" him as he was clearly not willing to participate - I stopped mid sentence and said "I find myself caring less and less about _____________ (whatever was bothering me) to the point I don't even want to talk about it anymore. You've beaten that out of me with your silence. So congrats - it finally worked. You aren't giving me what I need, and I don't know if it's because you can't or you don't want to, but either way, I don't want to deal with it anymore." Funny thing was, 5 minutes later he wanted to talk...but it was like a switch flipped and I really didn't care that much. I was just exhausted and done...and that feeling hasn't left me.

So for you, instead of (or in conjunction with) saying something, your action of moving out will be something akin to waiving the white flag...but the white flag will be in relation to your relationship with your WS only - so that you can go forward to something new with your best interests at heart. You've been waiving the white flag in relation to your needs and wants for a long time - you can toss that white flag out when you move. You won't need it anymore. You will be okay (and yes, I hated it when people said that to me, but it turned out to be true).

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 11:34 AM, July 31st (Friday)]

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8568688
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 9:55 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

I really look forward to meeting the you who is on the other side of this and in her own place without this disordered fucknut ranting and raving in your vicinity. This is going to be a beautiful change for you. I'm absolutely excited about it on your behalf. Just getting this bullshit out of your daily life is going to be like walking out of a burning building into cool fresh air.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4556   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8568804
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 10:00 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

Funny thing was, 5 minutes later he wanted to talk...but it was like a switch flipped and I really didn't care that much. I was just exhausted and done...and that feeling hasn't left me.

Damn. I just had this experience earlier this week. I mean it almost really felt like switch flicked in my head. I have been feeling a lot better since and have been actually for the first time researching the path for D and lining up recommendations for attys. I can't explain what happened. It wasn't like some major event. And it wasn't even a convo with my WW. It just felt like my brain decided for me. I know that sounds weird, but that's how it feels.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4341   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8568807
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OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 11:08 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

He is PROJECTING. In your mind say, "He's yelling that I wrecked the marriage because he is unable to yell at himself and say he wrecked the marriage."

NPD-types are so, so needy and draining. They need to yell, blame, ignore, hurt you to cope with their own f-ing emotions. What a mind f-ck!!!!

I can't wait until you get out. You will finally start to feel better. He is toxic to your soul.

me: BS/WS
h: WS/BS

Reject the rejector.
Do not reject yourself.

posts: 5265   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2016   ·   location: Midwest
id 8568833
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ThisIsSoLonely ( member #64418) posted at 11:42 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

Damn. I just had this experience earlier this week.

It's wild isn't it. I find myself thinking sometimes, why did it take so long...but the relief is immense. It's sad as my WH has made some real strides but it's just too late.

When I have commented to WS in their forum I have said "be careful, because at some point it will be too late" and I mean it. I didn't want to end up without my WH and for a long time I really really tried. But the relief I feel now - I just can't give that up.

“Sometimes you're going to have to let one person go a thousand different times, a thousand different ways, and there’s nothing pathetic or abnormal about that. You are human.” - Heidi Priebe

posts: 1816   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2018
id 8568839
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 11:43 PM on Friday, July 31st, 2020

Eye on the prize, CBS. Just hang in there until you get to your own place. It really is going to get better.

You’re so much stronger than you know. you’re going to be amazing

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4240   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8568840
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 crazyblindsided (original poster member #35215) posted at 12:45 AM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

Thank you to everyone for the support. I am really looking forward to the other side of this. It is going to be peaceful and happy. I know I won't get lonely because I am already liking being IHS from him and not having to deal with him anymore for the most part.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8568864
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 1:32 AM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

Congrats on the apartment. Glad to hear you are getting out. We're all rooting for you.

posts: 5027   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8568883
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LadyG ( member #74337) posted at 3:07 AM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

I feel that I am hanging on by a thread at times too. Have a good cry and then move onto thinking about my future.

IHS seemed easier as I had an apartment lined up and I was waiting to get out of my toxic marriage.

It’s been 13 months since I moved out. Not Divorced yet!

It took me a month to get used to living alone. I had the support of a dear friend at that time as WH commenced a brutal attack and harassment vendetta against me.

August is going to be a hard month. August 5th I lost my dear friend to suicide. I was devastated. I am already planning to spend that day in total silence. I lost my darling dad August 31st, 2011 and I already know in advance that I will barely be able to function this entire month. But at least I am prepared to expect the worst.

My suicidal thoughts have gone. That’s possibly due to coming off all meds earlier this year. I was totally numb 12 months ago and I prefer to actually feel the pain of loss and work through it.

For the sake of my children I am not going anywhere soon. I just couldn’t leave them with my STBXWH.

Leave and don’t look back 🙏🏼

September 26 1987 I married a monster. Chronic Complex PTSD. I Need Peace. Fiat Lux. Buddha’s Love Saves Me 🙏🏼

posts: 940   ·   registered: Apr. 29th, 2020   ·   location: Australia
id 8568899
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ashesofkali ( member #56327) posted at 5:54 AM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

+1 on what nekonamida said.

So glad to hear you're getting out, crazyblindsided. You're going to have the most kickass apartment ever, and you're going to feel so great when you're on your own. The day my xWH finally moved out was the day I began to feel better. I remember it well. Congrats. And... damn, look how strong you are now.

I'm a fBW, 51, no kids. My xWH had a LTA. I chose D because he was never sorry. Life is way better on this side of infidelity.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2016   ·   location: WA
id 8568939
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ashesofkali ( member #56327) posted at 6:06 AM on Saturday, August 1st, 2020

Also wanted to mention...

Thumos and ThisIsSoLonely:

Damn. I just had this experience earlier this week. I mean it almost really felt like switch flicked in my head. I have been feeling a lot better since and have been actually for the first time researching the path for D and lining up recommendations for attys. I can't explain what happened. It wasn't like some major event. And it wasn't even a convo with my WW. It just felt like my brain decided for me. I know that sounds weird, but that's how it feels.

I love reading about this switch-flipping thing that happens. It's fucking great, right? I experienced it once too. The day I decided to divorce xWH, I went out and bought a dozen beautiful red roses. I took the roses home and displayed them on the table in a fancy vase. xWH was still living in my house, of course, but we weren't speaking to each other much then.

When xWH noticed the roses on the table, he sidled over, all coy and flirty, and leaned in to smell 'em. In a cute little seductive voice that I hadn't heard in YEARS, he asked what was up with the roses. I said, "They're for me. Those are my divorce roses." Then I turned around and walked away and didn't speak to him for about 3 weeks. It was glorious.

I'm a fBW, 51, no kids. My xWH had a LTA. I chose D because he was never sorry. Life is way better on this side of infidelity.

posts: 123   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2016   ·   location: WA
id 8568944
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Jesusismyanchor ( member #58708) posted at 12:08 AM on Sunday, August 2nd, 2020

I understand how hard it is not to take it personally or let it affect you...even when you know they are dealing with an issue because we are human beings with feelings. We get to pick up the broken pieces and keep going. I actually have that screen saver that says "Keep Going". Most people think it is for me while working out. It is for me to live and be the mom my kids need me to be.

Just know that you are not alone. It does get better with more space from the person but I still think it is not easy but bearable and you get a chance to work on yourself and the kids. It is a huge relief.

Hang in there!

Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future

posts: 2686   ·   registered: May. 12th, 2017   ·   location: Texas
id 8569128
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HeHadADoubleLife ( member #68944) posted at 1:28 AM on Sunday, August 2nd, 2020

Keeping my fingers crossed for the apartment for you!

It really is so much better to be alone, I promise.

I am in debt up to my eyeballs, unemployed up until VERY recently, and yet I feel so at peace because I don't have to go home to that "disordered fucknut," as Dee said :)

He is PROJECTING. In your mind say, "He's yelling that I wrecked the marriage because he is unable to yell at himself and say he wrecked the marriage."

Also this. It really helps to just spin everything they say around on them in your head. No need to argue with him, it won't get through to him anyway. But when you can successfully learn to spin all of their bullshit on them, you'll feel much more calm and confident in your own truth.

BW
DDay Nov 2018
Many previous DDays due to his sex addiction

Hurt me with the truth, but don't comfort me with a lie.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity.

posts: 831   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2018   ·   location: CA
id 8569147
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 5:43 PM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

If your douche husband berates you, record that and have him kicked out. You can probably share that with the lawyer and have him served with an RO, that way you get to stay in the house.

posts: 1175   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8570104
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 crazyblindsided (original poster member #35215) posted at 8:55 PM on Tuesday, August 4th, 2020

You can probably share that with the lawyer and have him served with an RO, that way you get to stay in the house.

It is his mother's house. He moved us here from our home which is now being rented out. Unfortunately I discovered I was in False R and lost my job a few months after we moved to this house. So I'm not sure I have a leg to stand on in a house that is not mine. I can't get my renters to move out until next year so I am forced to move into an apartment

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8067   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8570223
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 2:50 AM on Wednesday, August 5th, 2020

I'm late to the discussion, but it sounds like you are handling everything great.

That's all I do is help out I keep the household running, take care of the kids and animals, work a very stressful job 40 hours a week. I know he is disordered and I shouldn't listen to any of it, but it's hard not to take it personally and I'm tired.

Man, if I had a nickel for every time...

I triggered hard this weekend. STBXW has been "educating" DD13 on our divorce, most of it twisted versions of the truth. I never did "anything" around the house (except renovate it, personally, but oops... we can forget that) and I never did anything with our kids (except teach them to swim, to fish, to play basketball, potty-trained two of them...).

It's all bullshit and it still hurts. I'm sorry.

Me: BH, age 48
Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)
D-Day: August 30, 2016

Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.

posts: 5121   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8570382
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 12:25 PM on Sunday, August 9th, 2020

Like the others, I am happy that you are getting an apt soon.

After reading your post, I think you are doing well in a difficult situation and you are making it. Big hugs.

Maybe you both write down who does what. And formally agree this should stophis ass hole rants. Make it a transaction. Track what he doesn’t do. Then just point to the chart showing you have done your work as agreed, and he can shut the fuck up.

You are doing good girl. Not caring is a sanity saver. He sounds like a mean sob.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8572075
Topic is Sleeping.
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