SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WH wants me to give him some hope that it’s really not over for us. He wants me to be his light at the end of the tunnel.

(((LadyG))) my STBX is hoping for the same thing. I only have enough light for myself though

I will never understand this. FOR YEARS I tried and tried to save the M and help my WS to see. He went about things in his own way even took the A underground. NOW he wants me to try again? Not a chance buddy! He even blames me for giving up on the M like da fuq???

@20 Thank you. I had a therapy session last night and I felt like I had a bit of a breakthrough. For the first time - I’ve been reluctant to focus on anything other than my ex even with the push of my therapist - I started talking about topics other than my ex. Such as my relationships with my dad and step-dad, previous relationships etc. For the first time it wasn’t all about him.

Holy heck did I cry. It was the kind of crying where you really cannot catch your breath. Ugly. Snotty. Heaving chest. Like I don’t know if she was able to understand what I was even saying.

I feel exhausted today. And really fucking sad. And wondering what on earth it is about me that has people leave. My dad. My boyfriends. What do I do that is so bad that makes them discard me and walk away. Objectively I know it’s not all me. But right now I’m questioning myself so bad.

@LadyG / @CBS - I’m in awe of the strength that you two ladies have. I really am. Makes me feel like my woes are trivial in comparison. I look to you both and wish I had your strength and dignity.

I started talking about topics other than my ex

One of the "silver linings" of this shitshow has been to get to this place. It can be quite empowering... and hard... and sad... and all the feels.

It is messy and exhausting to question ourselves. And yet, the only way forward is THROUGH.

Good for you for taking such a big, important, step in your life's journey.

@gmc

One of the "silver linings" of this shitshow has been to get to this place. It can be quite empowering... and hard... and sad... and all the feels.

That is exactly how I'm trying to view it. Last night a lot of stuff came up which I realised I have never addressed before, that I have swept under the rug, put down to youthful mistakes. It's extremely raw for me right now and I have a lot of shame. A LOT of shame. I'm actually feeling crippled by it today.

But you know something funny? At least I'm no longer focused on him. I'm focused on me. And no matter how hard that is, no matter how hard it is to even look myself in the mirror today, I'm doing the work. I'm doing the work I needed to do 15 years ago. That can only be a positive, even though it really doesn't feel like it right now.

Holy heck, I'm exhausted.

And wondering what on earth it is about me that has people leave. My dad. My boyfriends. What do I do that is so bad that makes them discard me and walk away. Objectively I know it’s not all me. But right now I’m questioning myself so bad.

(((Outoflove2020))) Oh I so know what you mean. I grew up with a critical and cold narcissistic dad and every relationship I have had including my M has been toxic in some way. Not sure if anyone has recommended this book to you but I highly suggest reading "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. It has helped me with the intrusive thoughts that I am not enough and my fear of abandonment. Infidelity trauma tends to bring out any old traumas we have and it becomes magnified.

OOL

Each of us deals with trauma in a different way.

Oddly, I use a lot of humor to wade through the shot stream of infidelity.

I know it grates on WH, but oh well!

It’s funny to me that you see it as strength because I felt stupid for marrying a Cheater, having children with a Cheater, then staying legally married to him

I say “legally married” because it doesn’t feel like that sweet, nurturing relationship I see untainted marriage as. We will never have that

The shame is a bummer for sure.

I do what I can to be as compassionate as I can for myself.

I enjoyed Journey from Abandonment. I also like Rick Hanson for ways to incorporate joy (which is a great shame killer) and to learn to be "for" yourself. To be your own BFF.

That old trick for moving out of shame/stinkin thinkin of imagine what you would say if your BFF came to you with whatever is causing the shame and trying to convert what you'd say to your external friend to your own self talk. Sometimes it's tough (it can be for me, someone who prides themselves on brutal honesty in ways that can sometimes be less than gentle), but when it works, it can be quite liberating.

GMC,

Interesting you’d mention this because I tell WH and our young adult children that “shame is a luxury you can’t afford” meaning they can’t use it as an excuse

OOL I am so sorry you are hurting. All of this is just so hard. I feel shame often. Such a shitty emotion

I think BSs who feel shame struggle with self worth, and likely have a life long habit of this. I certainly do.

My counsellor told me I had learned to make myself small to get along with others. It was a life Coping mechanism. My ex needed this because he needs others to feel good. Great fit for us until it stopped working. Then the M blew up.

Make all of this about you, self care, self love, self compassion, mental health, self realization and try to leave shame for him, he owns it. You certainly don’t.

Hugs sweetie

Ladiez thanks for the insights on my date, I think I met a nice boy. You helped me see it.

He keeps texting me. So not his mom.

It’s that self worth thing again.

TG,

We Womenz here have seen what a stellar person you are. Your STBX was too stupid to see what he had.

You deserve someone who doesn’t blind himself to your light.

And WE Womenz deserve to see YOU happy and appreciated

But, no pressure

I just want to say you womenz are awesome. You really are. Sitting here alone in my apartment, self-isolating, feeling sorry for myself, with a broken heart, you make me feel less alone. You guys are my sanity on the bad days. I'm so grateful for this forum.

@TG - know your worth. If you think he's a good guy, then go for it. But make sure that you get treated the way you deserve and walk away if you don't. You deserve all the good things. Everyone on here does.

OOL, I totally get feeling exhausted after therapy. My therapist would always tell me after a particularly grueling session "Please do something to take care of yourself today."

I have now learned that I have to take the rest of the day off after therapy. It drains me like almost nothing else.

TG, waiting on more dating updates! I don't see myself braving those waters for quite some time, but I can live vicariously!

So bummed we can't have an in-person G2G right now. Damn you covid!

I would love that too. So nice.

Take heart gals. Someday is around the corner.

Another date on Sunday and 2 more in the works.

Another beloved family member passed away yesterday. She didn't have any family with her due to COVID. She hadn't seen anyone from the family since February. The thought of her being all alone is crippling me.

I'm also so fucking resentful of the fact that the last time I saw both my Nanna and my Aunt was at Christmas when my xWBF was with me, and I subsequently found out that he was completely miserable and resentful on that trip. So the last time I saw both of these wonderful women who have had such a strong influence in my lives, he was with me. And hating it. They both loved him. He didn't deserve that. I hate that he had that. I HATE IT. He had already told the AP that he loved her. And these amazing women gave him their love because they thought he loved me. He's ruined it for me. And he just doesn't give a shit. HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.

The memories feel tainted. I just want him to never have been in my life.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know how much more of this shit I can take. I feel so completely overwhelmed. The loss from everything this year is just unbearable.

I'm sorry. I'm really not coping at all. I just want to switch it all off. Just for a little while.

[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 7:34 PM, August 6th, 2020 (Thursday)]

OOL

When my mom died, asshat was in the two great years of his love with rent a vagina.

Mom told him she loved him, he cried, he was nice to me, I had hope. He was fucking rent a vag as much as he could. So I get the anger you feel.

Listen to me, ready, repeat after me.

There is no fucking way on this earth that I will let a pathetic selfish cheating limp dick Sob tarnish my memories and love for these amazing women. No ducking way. This is mine. My special memories . I love these women so much, that I will protect their memory from your shitty Tarnish. And they loved me so hard, that they will haunt you asshat until you become the worthless dust you are! Fucking fucker..

So. I feel better. I hope you do too

Put on your sparkly asskickers and rejoice in their specialness and yours. Big hug

Dayum...TG done found her bitch boots.

And getting all sassy with it. Fucking fucker. (Rent a vag. *Snort*)

Well done you.

I'm so glad you've realized your STBX is nothing more than a dog dick gnat.

To all the womenz here - sending strength and healing and one from the daily affirmation cards:

I claim my own power and I lovingly create my own reality.

[This message edited by Chili at 9:26 PM, August 6th (Thursday)]

After my WH asked me to give him hope that we were not over yet, I remembered all the times he told me that he couldn’t see us growing old together.

I absolutely cannot see this either, especially now that we are growing older, but apart.

Next time he sulks about destroying our marriage and family, I will remind him of what he said, over and over. He may remember that he did everything to ensure that we are over.

@TG - Thank you, I've been repeating that to myself today. Feel a little better today.

TallGirl, is your next day with the guy you described in your post, who didn't ask you any questions, only talked about himself and told you you were intimidating? If so, please make sure you listen to your gut on your next few dates. People usually show us very early on who they are, we just have to shut down our internal narrative who tries to override our gut.

OutofLove, I'm sorry for the loss of your grandma and now another family member. Two weeks of self-quarantine can be brutal, but the self-work you're doing sounds amazing. Make sure to come here often for more support and some light-heartedness.

Little update from my side: really enjoyed my vacation in Greece, got a nice tan and lots of rest and new adventures. I'm self-quarantining for a couple of days after the Covid test I did today, because my throat hurts and I was/am feeling a little warm. I have been working on the website of my 'side hustle' for the last week, which is really giving me so much inspiration and energy and just everything. I do get triggered almost daily because ass-hat wexbf would comment on me being lazy with my side hustle, while I've spent so much time helping him with his start-up and neglected my own stuff, me-time and health. He also didn't really help me with my website, while he made a really good one for himself. I'm still no-contact and it's so easy now. Holy crap, it's already been 6 weeks, I had to look in my phone calendar to know.

Right now just enjoying my friday evening with a glass of wine, a glass of water and some music. I have been MIA on SI because the triggers I got from here consumed a lot of my headspace. Just wanted to check in and say hi!