SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for that LadyG.... my mom played her albums non stop when I was a kid, but seeing those lyrics in writing resonates.

I know too much to go back and pretend.... indeed.

Throwaway999 No he wont do IC again. I have asked and asked him because I know being a new parent is going to be hard and I can tell him till I am blue in the face but he is going to have to learn the hard way.

EllieKMAS He has been trying to be a loyal trusting husband by doing everything I ask no matter how tired or irritating I can be, he does respect me when we are in public. He used to flirt with other women when we went out that stopped.

Friday is my last day of work before I go on Maturity leave and it does have me worried about how are going to do everything from finaces to a new born. My mom will be here to help after the kid is born but that is only for a short time (6 weeks top). Other than that nothing has really happened.

Blackheart - of course we don’t know you or your WH in real life...only you can judge if he is doing the internal work to be a better man, husband and soon to be father.

All I want to say...is don’t be me. My very first Dday was way back when...texting his AP...he swore it was a friendship but regardless I wasn’t comfortable with it. I demanded NC...he outwardly did everything I asked. But here’s the catch...he never worked on himself to find out why he had no boundaries or the incessant need to flirt with other women.

Fast forward 10 years and here I am...he just took his need for ego kibbles and his entitlement underground. He manufactured reasons to resent me to justify his A’s. He told me that those years were the best in our marriage...well of course they were...wife, kids , home and his girlfriends. He never once told me he was uphappy...I thought things were fine between us. A bit off...as my gut screamed, but I so desperately wanted our marriage, I accepted his gaslighting and excuses.

Don’t be me...if you WH doesn’t do the internal work to change, you may end up back where you started. Helping around the house and being home and not flirting in front of you really is nothing...my WH did all of those things after dday#1. But he never figured out (with reading or therapy etc) why he couldn’t fulfill his happiness on his own. Why did he need the external validation of others.

Words are words...but actions matter. Watch him and see if he is actively working on himself and not just coasting and hoping that you will rug sweep.

Keep posting...we are here for you.

Dear Blackheart,

Take care of your health first and foremost.

My WH put me through hell during my first pregnancy. He seemed happy that we were starting a family but I had no idea what he was getting up to. It was a surprise pregnancy and I adore my son. He was conceived at a very bad time but I had hope that just maybe my WH would settle down. He was 32 but still behaved like an adolescent.

I too went on maternity leave at the 7 month stage and was supposed to be relaxing and looking forward to being a mother. The stress took a real toll. I had preeclampsia in the 8th month and was hospitalised for rest on and off before my due date. My WH just didn’t quite comprehend that my baby’s health was at risk. He seemed annoyed that I was resting in hospital as I just couldn’t rest and relax in our home.

I was induced a week early and had a wonderful quick and simply natural birth. It was Love at first sight when I held my DS.

WH was a good father at first but still showed his Narc Dark side often. I just had to block him out of my mind and put my baby first. My son appears to have come out of it unscathed. He’s nothing like his father.

Look forward to motherhood. It’s a beautiful time.

Throwaway999 My husband and the other women have no contact what so ever and if I ever catch them talking I will take my son and leave and make it hard for him to see him and I will protect my son and myself. My H doesn't see that he is unhappy and I have tried to help him see that but I can't. He is miserable but only he can figure it out.

Lady G My H can act like a child but only when he is around his friends. I start maturity leave tomorrow (10/3/2020) and I just got of work and I am feeling down about not working. I already been diagnosed with Preeclampsia back in 2nd trimester. We have it under control and my H makes sure I dont have any stress but this is gonna be the ultimate test for both of us. They are also talking about inducing me at 37-39 weeks and the only thing that my H is worried about it a C-section.

Hi Blackheart!

Congratulations on the new baby!

My WH cheated on me when I was pregnant with our first child, my son.

He would use my pregnancy complications to complain about me to the troll he was having sex with.

Our son was 7 months old on DDay. I immediately stopped breastfeeding, put my baby on formula, and threw away the freezer full of frozen breast milk.

I was terrified of being exposed to diseases and passing them to my son.

Turns out, I DID get Trichomonas from his side action.

Disgusting filth

I am not trying to traumatize you. I hope your maternity leave is calm and restful.

(((Hugs)))

Quick vent:

The misogyny in some posts about WW is appalling. Someone could be venting about their EXWW and along will come someone to say that that specific behaviour tends to be very common among WW.

Fuck off. It's the same people over and over again too.

I need to catch up gals. I see lots of posts that I want to read and respond to.

I wanted to ask those of you that are S/D... if youR cheater sincerely told you that he wanted to to be with you after all the crap you have been through... told you that if he didn’t ask that he would regret it for the rest of his life... what would you do?

This was my Thursday night.

told you that if he didn’t ask that he would regret it for the rest of his life... what would you do?

We were separated three months, well on my way living single and actually for the first time in a long long time relatively content with my life.

My husband was living with his AP during this time and from what I imagined, he was very happy. I never asked him how he was when we would get together to deal with separation of goods etc.etc. No lawyers. I assumed all was really good with him.

On a wednesday, with the pretence of needing to see me about business (I was resigning from our joint Business), he asked if he could come back because he missed me, and he missed our 40 years of marriage. Just like that out of the blue.

I was speechless. Just gaped at him. The only sentence I said was "Leave your AP, cut all ties permanently, move out on your own and only then will we begin talking."

I did not know what to make of this so I spent many sessions with my therapist dealing with my emotional shock.

He did all I asked.

We started talking.

We are now together for 16 months.

I was betrayed, I no longer am. He was a cheater, he no longer is.

I wanted to ask those of you that are S/D... if youR cheater sincerely told you that he wanted to to be with you after all the crap you have been through... told you that if he didn’t ask that he would regret it for the rest of his life... what would you do?

I think my case is different because my STBX was diagnosed with strong NPD tendencies. He was verbally trying to pull me back into the M while we were still IHS, but I never saw any actions. He did not change his work hours, would not delete the social media and Whats App that triggers me, and he would not go to therapy. Those were all dealbreakers. So even if he came at me with more verbal 'Save the M' I wouldn't believe him.

cheater sincerely told you that he wanted to to be with you after all the crap you have been through... told you that if he didn’t ask that he would regret it for the rest of his life... what would you do?

SINCERELY the problem right there. There’s nothing sincere about anything STBXWH says or does, unless it’s in his best interest ONLY.

Crap we have been through... is the crap he has put us through.

STBXWH refuses to this day to get any help for his NPD. Even my children have begged him to see someone but that would entail him being frank and honest about his true self.

WH has told me several times that he will regret his past evil deeds for the rest of his life, yet continues his appalling behaviour.

I have given him every opportunity to get counselling but refuses.

Every time I bring up the Divorce he questions my motives. I am sick of his gaslighting.

His latest cheap shot at me, is that I have caused his self diagnosed PTSD. He uses this as the reason he screams at me and our children when we ask for an honest answer.

The misogyny in some posts about WW is appalling

I haven’t ever read anything in the Betrayed Menz thread but I see some crap in General. I will skip past it and don’t post when it’s obvious the boys club is venting.

if youR cheater sincerely told you that he wanted to to be with you after all the crap you have been through... told you that if he didn’t ask that he would regret it for the rest of his life... what would you do?

I fell for that a couple of times during various goes at R, all false R btw. I believe he will regret all of it for the rest of his life but he couldn't even keep in his pants during R, so I'm not falling for it again. I just ignore him now.

skeetermooch,

Did you WH do any counseling at all?

Oh TG!!!! Yikes!

An XBF did that to me once.... funny how we were basically IHS for 6 months before I moved out, and it was another 6 months after that when he said the same thing (albeit w/o the M part, as we were never M). Coincidentally, that happened right around the time I was dating again (including my WH). I think I said "thank you, but I'm not interested".

Sweetie, you've been through SO much with the long S and then his deciding to D.

I think the question is what do you want? If he was a PERFECT WS/FWS, would you want to be M to him today? Would the Tallgirl of Oct 2020 want to be M to Mr. Tallgirl?

Then maybe start chipping away at what "perfect" looks like to you. IOW, what qualities does your "dream date" look like TODAY? What of those qualities does your WH possess?

I would try and focus on that and not the "other" stuff that we often think about (eg., worries of being alone forever, familiarity, the shame that can creep up on us when thinking we are failures bc of the cheating or D, etc). I'm learning that anyone can find a bunch of reasons to stay.... but I'm trying to focus on the PERSON vs all of those reasons.

(((Tallgirl)))

Then maybe start chipping away at what "perfect" looks like to you. IOW, what qualities does your "dream date" look like TODAY? What of those qualities does your WH possess?

I would try and focus on that and not the "other" stuff that we often think about (eg., worries of being alone forever, familiarity, the shame that can creep up on us when thinking we are failures bc of the cheating or D, etc). I'm learning that anyone can find a bunch of reasons to stay.... but I'm trying to focus on the PERSON vs all of those reasons.

I think GMC makes an excellent point. I have often thought about what would have been my path had my WH not been sick. I believe 100% we would have at minimum separated. Then I would have divorced him.

If I met him brand new...would I want to spend my life with him...knowing his past. Looking at his personality and qualities when he passed...I didn’t really like who he had become. I just could not admit it to myself until after my multiple ddays. I found he wasn’t capable of true empathy and remorse...but that’s my WH...might not be your situation.

Look at who he is today, not the husband you remember from the past and then decide.

For me, in my situation, If my daughter met a man who had done what my WH had done (before and after Dday) and who he was when he passed away, I would tell her to run.

For me in my personal situation, I rather be lonely and work on finding my own peace than live with a constant reminder of pain and drama. But again...that’s me...focus on you..what is going to be best for your healing. What will bring you true happiness and peace...and is he in that picture you paint for yourself.

Hey ladies,

Personal victory share: played harp last night without dissolving into tears. Reclaiming my music *flex*

Have two questions that have been gnawing at me recently and wanted to get your input if possible:

- WH confessed to an EA. Should I get an STD panel done anyway? Have been having some pretty awesome nightmares recently along the lines of there being more he hasn't told me. Then I feel terrible for doubting him.

- we're both in IC. After his sessions he's weird and withdrawn all day. Won't look at me, meet my eyes or touch me. Just nods to acknowledge me. have any of you experienced this in your WH/XWH? Asked in the 'ask WS' thread yesterday in hopes of getting info from that side of the trainwreck.

thanks all

(((everyone))) because reasons.