SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I told our children, in 2016, after the decades of lies were discovered

Initially they defended him

Over time, they came to realize he lies to them as well

So now they’re in my corner

Except they both feel I should dump him

haven’t told anyone, except IC and doctor for std testing. it’s been 4 years since dday. we are still reconciling, which i think will always be the case, because, well, how do you ever recover completely? don’t get me wrong, we are in a good place, but it is always there……..

I told everyone who would listen.

Yes. Both sides of our families knew soon after dday. Only a few close friends knew though. I didn't think everyone I knew should know about the shit-show, so only people close to us were told.

I told a couple close friends after D-Day - mostly because the dam of emotions flooded over and they were asking if I was OK when I obviously wasn't. I told my mom a few months later when my STBXWH kept refusing to have boundaries with his OW, and he kept "shame spiraling" to the point that he refused to hear anything I had to say and I apparently "make everything worse." The whole thing has come to light now to both sides of the extended family as my STBXWH kept spiraling out of control and nothing could be hidden.

The only people close to us that we haven't told are my family and her dad. The reason for this is I have only told people that had two big features.

1) They could provide real life support and advice.
2) If they were a hardliner on cheating that would want to disown my wife as a friend/acquaintance that I could cut them out of my life.

I can't cut my family out of my life, so they only know we had a rough patch.

Otherwise, basically all my friends know and almost all her friends know (of course some of them knew as it was going on...).

I am not keeping secrets for her. If I'm not comfortable defending my decision to R to my friends (if they happen to question it), then I'm not really in R, am I?

On Dday 1, I told only one person (a family member I am close with). Dday 2, when I found out he was still in contact with AP, I told my family, my daughter and my closest friends.

Like you, OP, I was embarrassed to tell folks. Also, I wanted to R (after DDay 1) so I didn't want a lot of outside opinions. I also worried about how they might treat him differently and/or us differently if we made it as a couple.

Dday 2 I asked him to leave. Obviously, people were going to wonder wtf was going on so that was a factor. I was done covering for him, but really the key driver for me was, I needed my people. I needed support and love and distraction.

I can tell you that getting that support felt like the coolest drink of water after wandering the desert for 40 days and nights. It was amazing. My healing went from 0-50. It's different for everyone, but for me, it ended up being crucial and I kick myself for not accessing this resource much, much sooner.

Mind, I didn't blast him on social media or tell acquaintances or otherwise broadcast his crime. I wasn't looking for revenge or punishment. I was doing what I felt I needed to do to survive and heal.

I hope you consider confiding in someone. Do it for you.

At first I told absolutely no one (other than OBS - I called him on D-Day shortly after I found out). I just wanted to sit with it, without any commentary from outsiders until I had a chance to get my bearings. This is VERY MUCH how I deal with most problems - I like to take some time to process things alone. I've always admired people who were able to be more open with their emotions/struggles - the idea of opening yourself up to that sort of vulnerability is terrifying to me.

Then I held off telling anyone because I was ashamed and didn't want to be judged - not so much for his A, that was on him, but more I was ashamed or worried about being judged for even considering to stay with someone who had cheated. It didn't help that every single post here would see that we were childless and relatively young and immediately shout, "divorce!" He was remorseful and seemed to be doing all the right things and his A seemed like a serious departure from his character which I knew well and that gave me hope, BUT, like many, I'd always assumed an affair would automatically mean instant divorce and the fact that I was considering anything other than that caused me to question my self-identity immensely (that on top of affair-trauma just felt like a lot). I expected many of our friends to feel similarly. Although we had been together a decade, we hadn't even been married for a year at the time of D-day so the fact of the affair was extra inflammatory and the idea of sharing with people who had just celebrated our wedding felt particularly humiliating.

We told a coworker of my husbands who was close friends with the OW. The three of them had often spent time together at social events. She didn't know of the A but was no longer a friend of the marriage due to her ties with the OW. We obviously discussed the A with our IC/MC. It felt good to discuss with others - it was nice though because she wasn't part of any of our circles and I didn't have to worry about the social stigma of staying with a cheater with her. Some trickle truth came out about 2-3 months post-D-day and my husband used the opportunity to tell me the list of details he'd held back or had continued to lie about. None of it was even anything all that significant in the grand scheme of things but I went ballistic and kicked my husband out of the house and told him I was done (he had previously told me I knew the truth and so any lie, no matter how small, was a dealbreaker). I made him tell his family, with whom I am very close. This was a major turning point for us because it meant I had the entire story. He wrote a timeline. As a result of the recent admissions, it finally started to make sense. R seemed like a real possibility again. Then I got pregnant and it felt good to have people be excited for us. I couldn't bare their pity or their judgement - I was already acutely aware of the gamble I'd made.

Months into it, I told my best friend - I knew she would love us both and it wouldn't change the way she saw either of us. We've never told my family or the majority of our friends. Because we have been together so long, our friend group involves a lot of overlap (and lots of couples) and it felt like telling one or a few people would result in EVERYONE finding out. Things were working so it just felt safer to keep it to ourselves. At this point, years later, I feel much more confident that the decision I made to R was the right one. Interestingly, I am less invested in keeping the whole thing a secret at this point. I do think my husband would have benefited from having more people to talk to about it all in that first year or so when things were really tough. I'm not sure I protected him by keeping it to ourselves.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 8:20 PM, Thursday, July 21st]

I told a few people close to me. My family was sympathetic.

As news spread, people said "so what" and "just divorce her" followed by, "...sorry for you, I really don't want to hear about it...." Maybe I should have said nothing, but at least now I know who my real friends are and who shares my values.

I was just asked tonight if I was ready to date, being D for six years. Ans. I'll never trust again that way, after 25 years of marriage lies and two faced people (those who knew of the affairs and said nothing) my ability to trust is still in need of healing.

Content to be away from her and her family of origin. Focusing of a very few new friends, after children and work.

Bumped by request

^ Thanks

Question on this: telling friends who might have an extreme reaction to it, a good idea or bad idea?

There's part of me that feels like I could really use that kind of talk. Like it might be good for me to hear someone say things in a very straight-talking kind of way.

I have a couple of friends I am considering telling who are like this. One of them was cheated on by her WH. She is fairly uncompromising in her approach to life in general and threw him out and divorced him right away when it happened. I see her as a valuable friend who went through (more-or-less) what I am going through, and would potentially be good to talk to, especially as she has a lot of distance from her own actions now (it was about 6 or 7 years ago).

I am working on R with my WW but finding it pretty hopeless at present. And also my mind is scrambled, we are three months or so out from discovery, and my thoughts on it vary hugely from day to day. A familiar story, I am sure.

If I did talk to one or both these friends, I wonder how they would feel further down the line if the R did work out. That's my major doubt about talking to them. How would they be around my WW if we stay together?

Anyway, I'd be interested to know if others have gone down that route and how it worked out.

Question on this: telling friends who might have an extreme reaction to it, a good idea or bad idea?

Generally speaking, I think the decision of who you should talk about the cheating with should be based solely on whether you trust them, feel comfortable confiding in them, and value their advice... not what you anticipate their reaction will be.

Who you tell is very personal. But choose people who will support YOU- no matter how this all goes.
If your very direct friend knows and then you R, will she able to support you there?
I told pretty much everyone ONCE I had decided to D, but was very particular before then to only those I knew would support me know what I chose.

I do applaud you for looking for IRL support. It does help.

I've told most everyone, it felt right, and I've gotten nothing but amazing support for everyone save WH's family (I didn't tell them, he did).

I only wanted to posit this thought to you, if you decide not to tell someone close to you really ask yourself why you aren't telling. Is it because you don't think they'd be supportive? Then by all means don't tell. Is it because you think they will be supportive but might tell you some loving truth you don't want to hear? Then maybe you should tell them.

Yes I did. My best friends had been on the long journey from years of suspicion (they insisted he wasn't the type to cheat) through discovery of hidden gifts AP had given him, three months of confronting him to his admission which shocked and angered them.

I told my mom, brother (another narcissist that I have nothing to do with anymore) and a very close male friend that is like family. My mom was shocked and my dad had never cheated on her so she would offer support while apologizing because she didn't know the right things to say having never dealt with it herself.

What shocked me were the reactions from my asshat brother and the long time family friend. I was told "Oh its probably just a flirtation that's what guys do". When saying one of the dots I had connected was a purchase at at gas station at 4:30 in the morning on our bank statement I was told "Stupid. If I cheated on my wife she'd never find out, always pay with cash". When showing a pic from her FB profile I heard "She (OW) obviously hasn't had kids". When I said I wasn't eating "That's good, keep losing weight" as if I was obese which I wasn't. In the first conversation with the asshat brother who should have been outraged being my sibling I was told "Well if he is and you guys get divorced I'll still be calling him on Thanksgiving and Christmas to wish him a happy". I could go on with the ridiculous things that came out of their mouths but looking back both cheated in relationships so I guess that cheater kinship was stronger than family. Go figure.

I contacted my son's school and had a meeting with his counselor and PT co-ordinator. I was raw with emotion, an absolute mess and wanted them to know what was happening at home should my son start acting out.

I also told some of WH's friends that are also mutual friends and ones that I knew had been in relationships with a narcissist. I just felt the need to say something after years of him trash talking me behind my back. What surprised me over time was hearing how much dislike there actually is for him. He's not as popular as I had always been made to feel by him.

If I had been on FB at the time I very likely would've blown it up there too simply out of extreme pain and high emotions.

The infidelity is MY story and I'll tell anyone I damn please. It's not my dirty little secret and I have nothing to be ashamed of.

The only person I told was my best friend.
We went out bar hopping and he was my designated driver while I got wasted. Didn't do me any good. The A was still there and fww was still packing to leave.

Duplicate, sorry.

[This message edited by WishidleftHer at 11:53 PM, Wednesday, March 8th]

I told basically all of my close friends and got some great advice and support. None of them disowned my wife or stopped being my friend.

The shame wasn't mine to bear, I wasn't the betrayer... accordingly I told my minister, my best four friends, all my family members, my doctor, a number of acquaintances who I know had also been cheated on and would have informed the AP's wife, but for her being deceased like the AP also.

I told no one, not my parents, brother, inlaws or best friends. Nothing like this has happened in my family or WW wifes family. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I needed help in a bad way
On a several occasions I wanted to reach out to my mother in law, bro in law/ best friend, and father in law. Each time I would try to speak, I would choke, no sounds would come out. No way could I share with my family, though surely they would have supported both of us. I couldn't bear being a failure. During that time our anguish must have been apparent to everyone around us.Fast forward many years, someone very close to me experienced infidelity by a WW spouse. This opened the floodgates for me. I can not experience this trauma again alone. My comment is seek professional help ASAP, don't feel ashamed like me for 1/2 a lifetime. A reachout to WishidleftHer, our stories have a lot in common. Would you consider opening private messages on your user profile?

A cautionary note, be careful who you inform.