SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I told everyone in my immediate circle

My WH was very much concerned with his image...so I told everyone.

I'm curious if it helps or hurts reconciliation to tell people. For those that told, how is your R now? Likewise for those that held it in.

At first I only told my two closest friends (a couple). As my WH continued the relationship with the OW, I told more people. I was looking for support, the validation and empathy I wasn't getting from an unremorseful WH, and advice. I couldn't hold it in. It was constantly on my mind. What do I do here? How do I live with this?

WH told no one. There was nobody to hold him accountable. I had hoped by telling friends they would take WH and give him a good shake. But nobody wants to get involved. Nobody wants to get on his bad side.

It's been 5 years and WH still has a connection to AP. Though it is not on the same intimate level it was, it still causes me pain. I'm one foot in and one foot out. And I'm still telling people, hoping to find a way to lesson this distress.

It's been over a year since DDay. I let a bit slip at the beginning with a friend and then downplayed it. The only ones that know the truth are my infidelity team: you-gentle reader, my therapist, the lawyer, and, in a weak moment, I told landlord where I looked at an apartment. Maybe my WH has told his therapist that I insisted he see, but I don't really know. The knowledge of his betrayal has been all consuming and it feels deceitful not to tell those I love. It's so uncomfortable to have been living this lie for over a year.

I've asked myself why:

---Firstly, I am ashamed - I picked a loser - I didn't see all the signs for so many years - I didn't leave him immediately upon discovering his horrific double life. I'm still clinging to the chance that I am a unicorn and our marriage could be saved.
---Secondly, those I love need us to be there, united. We, as a unit, are rock for others with their own real issues.
---Lastly, and perhaps the most pronounced, if I tell the story then my marriage is over. For how could anyone chose to stay with someone who abused their love and trust for so many years?

I know it's crazy to think my telling the truth will crumble my marriage and not the fact of betrayal. Yet, I can't give up the hope that we might be able to figure this out and make it work. Still, part of me believes the opposite. That only after the truth is out can we begin to rebuild our marriage.

To tell or not to tell. It's quite a conundrum.

My official d-day was Thanksgiving.

Before, when I had suspicions, I only confided in one dear friend.

After, I told WS's aunt/godmother (we were very close), and then my MIL. My thinking was that they would judge him but not too harshly? Which was accurate. They were totally supportive of me and basically would listen to WS's bullshit and then tell him what he was doing was wrong and cruel. When he tried to sell them on the idea that he would have married AP if he had met her first, they called him out on his delusions.

I set a mental deadline for myself of New Years Day -- either the A would be over, or WS could GTFO and move in with AP (and her mother and her adult daughter).

I found out in mid-December they were still in contact/A was underground, so at that point I told everyone.

I remember spending New Years Day with WS's family, and his aunts commenting that I had lost a lot of weight (which was true, like a scary amount), and asking what I was doing. I said I was stressed/depressed. They asked if it was because of our baby, and I blurted, "Oh, WS is moving in with his girlfriend today."

They were shocked, said they had no idea. I said, me, neither.

And then they were like, "Well, to hell with him, you'll have more fun without him anyways."

His entire extended family was incredibly supportive and made it very clear to WS he was welcome at family events, but his AP would never be, and that me & the kids would get an invitation first.

All of our friends were incredibly supportive and while a few people reached out to check on WS, they mostly just were so shocked and appalled they didn't reach out at all.

I found a lot of support in telling people what happened, and I'm incredibly grateful because I was so depressed and every little but kept me going in the immediate aftermath.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 12:36 PM, Saturday, March 11th]

I/we told no one. My WW confessed to me of a one night stand with her boss. She remained working with him for a few more years and swears nothing more happened.

She is ashamed of her failure. I thought for sure that she would have confided with her mother but did not.

I almost reached out to my brother in law, father in law an my father. I choked on several occasions and ultimately never told. Suffered in silence.

30 plus years later my wife and daughter told me that her husband stepped out. This hit me hard. I feared my wife would share of her infidelity, she did not.

This new revelation set me back 30 years. All the ugly stuff is back in my head. Ruminations poor sleep all of it. I finally told someone, a therapist specializing in infidelity trauma. I also found this forum. Both a big help

I recommend telling someone. This can't be handled alone. Find a therapist or religious leader. If you tell a freind or family member, choose someone trustworthy an non judgemental

My WH was very much concerned with his image...so I told everyone.

This made me laugh out quite loudly!!!

My wife was a regular church goer who went to bible study every Sunday night (at least that's what she led me to believe). Posting religious quotes every Sunday on Facebook, quoting bible verses on Instagram....the whole hypocritical lot.

During the first weeks of finding out, she left a journal out on the table. Me thinks it was left out intentionally for me to snoop through, because one of her entries was something like, "if everyone found out, I'd kill myself, there is no way I could face the embarrassment" - especially since all she did was post lovey pics of us together nearly every single day.

BZ367

Each time I would try to speak, I would choke, no sounds would come out. No way could I share with my family, though surely they would have supported both of us.

There’s a good chance they know. Families are perceptive.

Kind of rode the same horse you did. I told very few, my CO in my squadron, one other guy in the squadron. The only other people who know are the entire friend group we were with (and jettisoned) and the 100,000 people or so on here. Went for many years not caring at all about it, total rear view mirror, Successful R, and then something external dug it out of the past for me. I feel for you, shipmate.

Vr - HOP

I am hanging out with some old friends at present, with the intention of telling them about my situation. On the flight to see them I had a bit of an internal panic about it and started to think I should just go and try to enjoy myself and not say anything. On the first night there I was going for a drink with one of the friends, still holding this idea that I might not say anything. As soon as we sat down it all came out of me, almost like someone else was doing it for me. The strangest feeling. It was a huge relief to do it though.