SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(Title should be Did You Tell Anyone About Your Spouse's A.)

Four months after D-Day, I have still told a very limited number of people about WH's A. So far, I have told my IC, my doctor (who ordered STD testing) and a college friend of WH's who is a priest. He had lunch with WH yesterday, listened to his story and provided advice and support. He will be checking in with WH on a regular basis to help keep him accountable in his recovery. I think that's a positive thing for WH, but it doesn't do much for me.

My IC keep asking me who, besides her, do I have in my corner? Who can I call on when I'm feeling down or hopeless? Who can I count on to listen and provide me with the support I need? My answer is literally no one. I have not told any of my friends or family what I'm going through. The truth is that I'm too embarrassed. I'm horrified that it happened. I can't imagine sitting down with anyone and spilling all the details. I feel like it would create more stress and anxiety rather than helping me feel better. I'm still just trying to get through each day. I just can't see myself talking about the A to anyone besides WH and my IC. Talking to our priest friend wasn't that difficult since I know he will keep it confidential, and he deals with infidelity issues in his congregation all the time. Although he's a friend, I viewed him as more of a professional in this situation.

So what did everyone else do? Did you tell friends or family members about the A so you could get their support? My IC said she would look into support groups for me, so I'll see what she comes up with next week. It's hard enough knowing that the A will be part of my personal history and the history of our marriage. I just can't bear the idea of other people knowing that about us and having it taint their feelings about me and my marriage. Maybe that's an unhealthy thought, but that's where I am right now.

[This message edited by FireandWater at 5:38 AM, Sunday, July 17th]

I think for me one of the signs that I did know from day 1 that this was not my fault was the fact that I told people about it.

When I say people I don’t mean social media and the neighbours. I mean my BF already knew I suspected something and I told her once I found evidence. My line manager who was also a good friend also was told on dday. I also called my MIL and told her on dday.

Later on I asked him to take responsibility and tell his brother.

That’s not to say that I wasn’t embarrassed at points that this happened to me. But in hindsight my embarrassment was relating to being married to a cheater (and considering staying) rather than having any responsibility for his actions. I don’t regret telling people though. They all rallied around me/us to support us in our journey. My friend and MIL had my daughter (10 at the time) around theirs as much as possible including sleepovers so we can talk and spend time together uninterrupted. My line manager told me to just show up for work so I am around people but not worry about actually doing the work. Everyone was reachable and listen to me and my pain and I couldn’t have survived this without their support.

So I think you need to consider why you don’t want to tell anyone. It may be because you feel you need to cover for him because you think you are somehow guilty of his choices, that is not the case. You don’t have to shout it from the rooftops, having real life support is vital though.

ETA: for me WH telling (some) people himself was important, it meant he was taking responsibility, for example because his was a work affair and it causes work problems whilst they still worked together, I asked him to tell his line manager and he did (he turned up to be extremely supportive too).

I don’t believe in punishment however I do believe that a WH having the full consequences of their actions, including people being disappointed in him, is something that needs to happen, holds them accountable and shows them the full picture of their actions.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 6:54 AM, Sunday, July 17th]

It's important to tell the people who are close to you: close family members and true friends. You are going through a trauma and need their support. Not telling them also puts you in a weaker position, more dependent on your WS, which will only hurt you regardless of whether you decide to R or D. A successful reconciliation (not just rugsweeping) comes from a position of strength, and you need real people in your life (not just other BS's in support groups) to talk to about this if you're going to be strong.

Cheating is all about the cheater, not the victim, so you have nothing to be embarrassed about. It's personal, which is why you shouldn't broadcast it on social media or at an office party, but your true friends and close family members should know, just like you'd tell them if some other major trauma had occurred in your life. You must not try to hold it in and go through this alone.

[This message edited by morningglory at 6:26 AM, Sunday, July 17th]

I know it’s hard to tell other people that your spouse has cheated, but, it is really great to have other people you can vent, talk, bitch, complain to. It was really tough for me to open up, but I truly leaned who my real friends were….

I was more concerned with my WW coming clean to her family, who already knew about the A, but didn’t know the horrible truth of what she was actually doing and all the lies being told about me.

I told my mother the first day as I needed a place to go to get out of my house (my MIL and SIL were there).

After about three months, I told my father and sister, but not because I needed support, it was more because separation looked very possible and I didn’t want them to think I was keeping such a big secret so long.

Ultimately, telling them only makes life harder on my WW as she has more shame to work through now, but it’s not something I regret. I use SI and my IC to talk about things—I never go into details with my family—so having people know hasn’t been very relevant for me. I have no plans to tell anyone else.

I didn’t for a very long time. Partly because I’m a deeply private person, but mostly because I don’t have much of a support system. My husband’s affair made me acutely aware of that. I’m not close to my own family; there’s a lot of serious dysfunction there, and they all live out of state, so there wasn’t a lot of support to be had there.

I found out in Covid, when I was working remotely, so even though I’m relatively close to a couple of coworkers, I wasn’t really around any of them. Also, I live in a small town, and I didn’t feel like exposing myself to the gossip chain.

I had two close friends that I would have felt comfortable telling, but in the couple of years before his affair, one of them got cancer (and is still in ongoing treatment with poor health), and the other one moved out of the country and isn’t great at long distance communication.

My biggest support system was my husband’s family,which is complicated for obvious reasons. I didn’t tell them because his sister was dying of cancer at that time (she died less than two weeks after D-day, in the height of Covid). Everyone was reeling with grief, and I didn’t feel like adding anything to it. I also needed to get my kids through their grief.

To add to my isolation, it took a year of searching and being on wait lists to get an appointment with a counselor. I also found this place a little over a year past D-day. So i have my counselor, this place, and I recently told one other person.

Suffering in silence is it’s own form of hell. Your thoughts and emotions just reel and spin, and it’s hard to know whether you’re seeing things accurately or approaching things in a healthy way without the input of wise people who care about you.

Choose who you tell wisely; sometimes people just add to the hurt. But if you have people in your corner who are trustworthy and who love and support you, don’t let embarrassment keep you isolated and alone.

On D-Day, I felt what it was like to be punched in the gut, over and over again.

As he sat on the couch admitting to everything and answering all my questions, I was slowly building up a rage inside me. Not anger, a pure rage.

Outwardly I was quiet, listening, asking questions which he answered without any pauses. He simply answered with a poker face. Lacking any animation. Flat eyes. Ugh. Blaming me and accusing me of many stupidities. At the time my gut was telling me to keep calm as I would need to discuss with him the separation of assets etc. in the future.

He abandoned me after this talk to live with her. My rage exploded once he left.

And in that rage, I decided to tell our adult children first, his sister whom I asked to tell my MIL and the rest of her family.

Later I told my mum as well as one couple who were close friends. I only picked who to tell knowing that they were the ones that would support me. With the exception of my in law family. They were not that supporting, but I felt they had to know from me, not him. I wanted them to hear my voice , present the bare facts of this mess. I then got into therapy, and a woman’s group. I talked. I vented. I cried, I broke down. etc.etc.

I was not ashamed nor embarrassed. I was furious with him. "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" was me.

It was not to spite him (well OK a little spite was in me), but more to expose his malevolence towards me, and our marriage. And it was during these conversations I found out that he had been building me up as an uncaring, boring wife to his family and our children behind my back. Ugh.

He felt the huge disappointment in him from his family and our kids. To date he carries their disappointment in him.

I on the other hand, felt tremendous support from all except his family (another story), and found that by sharing what happened, helped me manage my rage and disappointments, it minimized my regrets and set me up for my healing journey.

My family and his family all knew. I told them all. I didnt have a choice. I ended up living back at my parents ( i packed up all my stuff from his mums house) so it would have come out anyway. I told a couple of friends and they were really supportive. A close friend of mine went through a similar situation to mine. The only thing being her WH refused to give up AP and lied to her nearly 8 years. She was really embarassed to tell anyone she was getting divorce. I was embarassed because everyone knew my situation and they didnt undertand my reasons to work things out with him. They wanted me to divorce him. I didnt blame them for feeling like that as they wanted the best for me and something like this has never happened in our family ever before. Family members, even after 5 years dont have a good relationship with my H. I dont blame them but I do feel embarassed still. I feel more ashamed and disappointmed of him i guess. Anyhoo I know its difficult to tell people especially some of the comments they make. I had people advising not to go back to him as 'once a cheater always a cheater'. I used to think an A was a deal breaker for me and the statement above was always true. Thats not necessarily the case anymore. Im glad we worked things out. Its not easy ofcourse. I havent forgotten it and I havent forgotten the issues my family have with him and the awkwardness is always there when they see each other. Theres nothing I can do except cut family meetings short and get myself out of that moment just incase I start triggering and resulting back to my old self of getting panic attacks. ( I havent had one in years)

At first, I didn't tell a soul. Main reason was to show my WW that I wasn't going to create a proxy fight and seem spiteful by "tattling" on her. Bigger person so to speak. Then I was glad I didn't as most of our friends are mutual and I didn't want them or family thinking less of her and need to act like they were not angry or disappointed at her or act like they didn't know. If they don't know they won't be acting. It has been 5 years and the only person I've told is a single friend whose father was a mentor to me. I helped her through her Cancer, and I knew she would be sympathetic and I felt better having a woman as a confidant hoping there would be little bashing of either one of us. I kinda wish I hadn't told her in retrospect. But I felt I needed at least one person.
As a gesture of goodwill, I didn't make her isolate from those involved, like the childhood friend who was her support and coach (from experience) during the A, or the cousin who she confided in. Only the Other Man and his sister who condoned it are out of the picture...but it took a good 2 years to get him gone for good.

I don't know if this was right as I still harbor some resentment. Even though my WW has been faithful and not in contact with OM for 4 yrs...though the "coach" was still giving her updates on what is going on in his life--until I said the hell with that too. She can keep her friend as long as OM is not a topic of conversation.

Hell no. I'm not going to advertise my humiliation. Hell no.

On Dday I told me BFF and my brother. I didn’t tell my mom until I had decided 100% I was leaving WH. I’ve told a few other family members but they get a more cliff notes version of everything.

I have nothing to be ashamed about. I mean, the only thing I’m embarrassed by is the blatant red flags I ignored along the way (those I haven’t told anyone cause it’s like OMG what is wrong with me).

I’m glad I told my BFF and brother right off the bat. I needed their support thru the hell of multiple Ddays.

No not one person. I was embarrassed but really wanted to protect my WW reputation. She is very respected and looked up to. She has always been very proper, never cusses and is very sweet, in a country redneck kinda way.

We haven't told anyone outside of SI.

My H wanted to tell our children because he felt I needed to have a support system besides him...the person who destroyed my world. I REFUSED. I didn't feel this was an issue that our adult children needed to have to be burdened with.

I confided to the great people on here instead . People on this site KNOW what it feels like to be betrayed this way. We may all be strangers on the internet...but we share an experience that can only be fully known about BY the experience.

1 year after DDay and I haven't told anyone in my life. The only people who know, besides me and my WH, are his APs, one of his friends, his boss, who needed to know, so WH wasn't put on joint projects with AP and another coworker, who got the extra work my WH was scheduled to do with the AP before shit hit the fan. I do miss the support of others and only being able to talk about the A with my WH sometimes makes me feel as I am alone in the world, but that was the decision I made and I have to live with it as best I can.

In the beginning I really wanted to be able to cry to someone else than the person who caused my pain, but on the other hand didn't want anyone to know, because I was ashamed, not so much of being cheated on, but of my decision to stay, to give another chance to a person who abused my trust so much. I always believed cheating was a deal breaker and had problems reconciling with myself for not leaving the cheater right away and I had the feeling others would see me as weak or stupid or both for staying. I have no shame about any of it any more, thanks to SI and Want2BHappyAgain in particular, but still haven't told anyone. I am very close with my parents, so is my WH and I feel this information would destroy their relationship forever. Even if we reconcile successfully, I don't think my parents would be able to forgive him and there would be tension between them forever. I still might tell my friends if I feel I need to, but haven't decided to do so yet.

My first dday, I told only his mom. She too had been cheated on by her husband several times.

My second dday, I let that shit fly and would have screamed it from the rooftops for everyone to hear. It is not my shame to carry. It is his.

I feel that by keeping it a secret for all those years after dday 1 added to making it easier for him to do again. He didn't have to really own his actions the first time. The second time he did - to everyone. I wasn't protecting him or keeping any secrets for him anymore. It is also better for me to be able to speak freely about it. There is some embarrassment that comes with telling people especially if you decide to stay. However chances are, some people already know anyway.

You would surprised that the number of people who are impacted by infidelity are some of your closest friends.

Who also hid behind fear and shame.

You have nothing to be shameful about. Your Spouse made the decision to cheat. Not you.

If you think people will judge you for staying with a Cheater then you are right — some people may. And most likely they have not been impacted by infidelity.

If it helps you to share with a close trusted friend - please do so. You may be surprised at how it can be very positive for you.

We obviously told counselors.

And I had all of y’all, thank God!

But that’s it.

I have told no one else.

The reason I didn’t do it was because I honestly thought / hoped we could move past it…heal. Move forward.

As it turned out, we didn’t heal. We are still together, but it’s not a happy / healthy marriage.

But, also, I didn’t tell people because I didn’t want to malign him publicly. I’m not a vengeful person - not that I characterize other people’s choices. I know there are many positive reasons to share.

16 years later I am glad I didn’t share.

I have a sister and a couple of very close friends that I share other regular stuff with, but I just thought "it" should stay between us.

You would surprised that the number of people who are impacted by infidelity are some of your closest friends.

You can say that again. About a month ago I took a short business trip with my specialist that I hired from another department a few years ago. Her boss and I are close and I have always respected and admired him for his brilliance, let's call him J. The man has PhDs and is fluent in four languages. Anywho, on the trip, during dinner, she got to telling me about when she worked for this guy how he took some of the women on his team out to lunch at a strip club...I about fell out of my chair as she told me that, this made no sense to me and seemed to be out of character for J. Now, J is about 20 years older than I am, but he had two kids younger than mine, but I never really gave that much thought, until she told me that J was the WH and his wife is his AP and that the older son J has, literally named J Jr., was from his first marriage and the son of his BW. For the rest of that meal, I was probably not very talkative because I was so stunned that someone who I held in such high professional and personal regard was a WH and had been pretty awful to his poor BW. Look as a MH myself, I shouldn't throw stones, but I will say that quite suddenly that some of this guy's behavior over the years makes a lot more sense. In fact, when we are actually on-site, he comes by and flirts with my specialist now makes a lot more sense, because my specialist told me that his wife, the AP, apparently tries to keep a tight reign on him, and I told her that is because her relationship has literally always been on shaky ground and she knows that he has a wandering eye. So yeah, I've been sitting with this for a couple weeks and it has just been devastating to me. J and I are close and we still work together on a lot of projects, but this has certainly changed my perception of him going forward.

I told everyone about his lying and cheating.

I wanted him to have no rocks to hide under, no opportunities to maintain secrecy, and no opportunity to lie

Yet, 20+ years later, I discovered he was still lying

I told 2 people to start. Then say 4 more after 3 months. Then after a yeaR I sTopped caring. I don’t bring it up much any more just joke about why I am single.

My kids were told after 4 months, just that it had happened. That was the worst. Key family members were advised at the time. No details.

My kids did not want to know. Nor do they need to be hurt by those details.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 9:14 PM, Monday, July 18th]