SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you for your words of support

I have set up counseling for myself and my children

I sincerley hope it helps.

I truly believe he was in love with this other person and was in the process of leaving me.
I have too much evidence to support this. Or he could’ve been saying that to please the other person. I don’t know

I did confront him about the affair before he passed and he kept denying it. At that point I was going to leave him.

I think this whole thing bought on his death. I can’t say for sure but I definitely think it played apart in his death. I don’t understand why he would risk his life like that.

This is way too painful for me. I’m not sure how I will cope. It doesn’t feel like I will ever get over this. However you’re right, I need to be there for my children.

It is sioooo very hard right now. And the healing process is slow.

But please believe you will survive this. Have faith at least in the saying "time heals all wounds".

I am so sorry that you have found yourself here. My thoughts are with you at this horrible time. You must be going through so much.

What is did is all about flaws in his character and absolutely nothing to do with you. Lying and cheating is a character trait, and absolutely nothing to do with you or your M.

Please keep posting on here. We are here to support you.

Ebz

I’m going to offer some extremely unemotional but super-practical advice.
Maybe it’s not applicable and I really hope that’s the case. But if I’m on to something then this is REALLY SERIOUS!!!

Now he’s gone – in a very permanent way – yet there are/might be a gazillion commitments that might come back and haunt you over the next years. For example – the OW rent? Whose name is on the lease? Did he co-sign? Could his estate – and therefore possibly you – be codependent? What about the credit-cards he took out while married? Could his estate be hit with collection fees? Taxes, medical bills…

Basically: Could YOUR financial security AND the security of your CHILDREN be at risk?

The reason is simple: Your husband has already shown he’s capable of a double life, and some of the things you share indicate the finances weren’t really clear (like how could he pay rent for OW without your knowledge).
Some of the things you share (the abuse) indicate he was abusive and/or controlling.

See what I mean about unemotional? I’m going right to the issue-jugular here…

Right now you personally are probably all over the place emotionally. Are you capable of dealing with the above practical matters? Can you deal with the cost of the funeral and maybe cleaning up his debts that are 100% marital debts (take care – not all are!)?

The trauma of death, the trauma of infidelity… Don’t worry! They will still be there and they can and will be dealt with, but the bank, the landlord, the IRS, the repo guy… they might start their sentence with "Sorry for your loss" but will add "but I still need to get paid". They might feel sad foreclosing on your home, but you will still be on the street despite their sadness.

You can do all the below yourself BUT I strongly suggest you have someone do it for you with your probate. That "someone" can be a brother or sister, best friend, maybe the cool and intelligent and calm spouse of your best friend, a lawyer, your pastor or the smart guy/gal at church. Heck… You can even call a women’s help line and get guidance. They often have professionals that work pro-bono. First step might simply be learning what happens to debt and commitments at death. Like possible student-loans are forgiven, but IRS debt is paid out of the estate.

What you want is to REALLY know your husbands worth, life-insurance, property, debts, commitments… and you want to know what’s headed towards you or the estate – good or bad. With immense luck this is maybe 4-5 calls and you are totally in the clear. In that case then at least THIS is something you don’t have to worry about.

If you go to the divorce forum there is a recent post from a divorced man who is now being contacted by a collections agency for debt on a card issued during the marriage that the wife was supposed to pay. That was back in 2019. Crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s is SO IMPORTANT!

[This message edited by morningglory at 6:43 PM, Sunday, June 26th]

I'm so sorry all this has happened to you. Infidelity sucks in every possible way, but not even being able to confront your cheater? ..that's so harsh. I'm glad Hurtmyheart has weighed in with her experience and wisdom. I'd also encourage you to read Bigger's post twice. Dealing with the practical issues is so challenging when we're dealing with trauma, but it can save you from further damage down the pike.

In terms of the emotional stuff, I don't have the same experience of losing my cheater in a permanent way, so I can't really speak to that meaningfully. But I do remember the need to talk about it with my WH and how that need felt almost compulsive (and constant really because it was on my mind 24//7). Your WS has gone beyond reach but I suspect you've still got that same compulsive need to talk and unfortunately, no way to be heard by him. WE are here to listen though. It's not the same. I know it's not the same. It's like comparing a bucket of water to the ocean in terms of your need to be heard by the one who hurt you. What you can be sure of though is that we do understand the trauma of intimate betrayal because we've been there, and while our thoughts and opinions will naturally vary, the feelings are familiar.

I can't say with any kind of authority what your late WH's feelings were toward you or your family. Some would have you believe that it's not possible for a cheater to love his betrayed spouse. Certainly, cheating is not a loving action, that much is undeniable. But cheaters will often, when caught, tell us that they never stopped loving us, and as a BS who has been in R for more than seven years, I think there's some truth in that. My own fWH treated me horribly while he was cheating. He had rationalized it in his head that I didn't care and that I didn't love him. He had painted a bullseye on my forehead and directed all his anger and angst directly at me in order to justify his perfidy. Like many WS's, he trashed my name and reputation with OW and with anyone else who would listen. For all intents and purposes, he hated me. Seems like an open and shut case, right?

When push came to shove though, it turns out that I was MORE than just the trappings of marriage and family life, more than a package deal. For thirty years, I had been the one lifting the other end of every piece of furniture he moved or project he worked on and I had been the one he shared all his news with. I had been the one he counted on when he was sick and the one whose guidance he sought when he was confused. I was his partner in everything, all he had known since boyhood really. I was irreplaceable, even though he was super mad at the world and blaming me for it. He couldn't leave though. After dday, when all of his self-involved delusions had failed him, all that was left was me and how badly he didn't want to go.

I don't think it's necessarily true that our WS's don't love us. Mine snapped right back as if he'd been stretched like a rubber band. I think what happens sometimes is that they get themselves so worked up and deluded in their rationalizations that they can't feel the love. But then when they're threatened with the loss of us, the delusions fail and the love floods back in and all they want is to fix it somehow. Now, obviously, that's not the case for every cheater. People are so different and even though there's so much similarity that we joke about a "Cheater's Handbook", there are no hard and fast rules. I don't think it's accurate though for anyone to say you weren't loved. Oftentimes, the biggest lie the cheater tells himself is that he is trapped in the marriage, often "for the kids" or whatever, when all along, it's really because he can't bring himself to leave his BS.

Anyway, there's lots of information to be had in The Healing Library, so don't miss it. And you're definitely going to want to really dig in on your self-care. This trauma is so hard on the body. Work with your doctor on stress management if it starts looking like it's getting ahead of you. Otherwise, eat right, sleep right, hydrate, get some light exercise, and avoid alcohol. You know... the basics. It sucks, but if you haven't done it already, you'll want to get STD testing. Doctors are typically pretty empathetic about it so it's not as bad as it sounds. Post as much as you need to. It's a good support group. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll be okay. It sucks and it takes time. But you'll get there.

Two book titles for you... The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson will get you started processing the loss. She does a great job of explaining how the mind and body react to abandonment and how we're all hardwired from birth to fear that kind of loss. She also get us started turning the focus toward self-development and I have to say, even in R, this is probably THE most helpful title I've read. Also, The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk, who is unarguably the world best expert on trauma. We can't just talk ourselves out of our traumatic feelings. It's not how our brains work. But there are methods which our brains respond to and therapies we can try. It helps a lot just understanding why we feel the way we do and how universal the symptomology really is.

You're going to be okay. ((big hugs))

I have too much evidence to support this. Or he could’ve been saying that to please the other person. I don’t know

None of us can say for certain what is going on in the mind of a WS. But, there are very predictable patterns that cheaters follow, almost as if they are following a handbook, it’s referred to here as "the cheaters handbook".

Cheaters are liars, they lie to the their BS, they lie to AP, and they lie to themselves. They establish this fantasy in their head and they are playing a role. I have read countless stories here, where the WH says he’s leaving for AP, but never had intentions to actually do it. I hope as you process this and look at his actions after Dday you will find the answer.

(((Ebz)))

I’m so sorry this has all happened to you… so shocking and disorienting. It’s very recent so it makes sense that you feel overwhelmed and like things are out of control. And it makes sense that you aren’t sure you can handle it yet, and it’s great that you have the strength to reach out for help. Please know there are people who can help you, and who want to help, and you and your kids will get through this, even if it is just one hour at a time sometimes.

I’m not sure if someone mentioned this or if you’ve done this already, but please get tested for STIs as soon as you can, and then test again in three months, as it can take a while for some infections/viruses to be detectable.

Also know that cheaters are very gifted at deluding themselves and believing in their own fantasies and lies. Even if he presented as "loving" her, their relationship was not real. He likely had very poor coping mechanisms, and was using her for external validation. That is a very common theme for cheaters.

As you are struggling with the whys and what ifs and all the unanswered questions, it might help you to write those questions and thoughts down on paper. That can help put some order to what can feel like an unending loop in your brain, and can help you start to regain a sense of control and direction.

I truly hope I can find some peace. But right now, this is way too painful and I’m not sure how I’m going to cope. I feel like I’m dying on the inside

However you’re absolutely right, my kids need me. I don’t want to let them down.

My emotions are all over the place. Most of the time I’m angry, the next I’m sad, hurt, confused. Sometimes I feel guilt. I keep questioning if I could’ve done something better.

I can’t do this. This is so horrible. Why me? Why my kids?

Yes! Absolutely normal! Everything you are saying and feeling is absolutely normal! Everything you are feeling is spot on! Feel whatever you need to feel. I screamed, yelled, cried, said hateful things, thought I was going to die on multiple occasions, wanted to die on multiple occasions... the list goes on and those feelings are real! And intense! But in time everything begins to settle. Most importantly, allow yourself to go through this...

What I find fascinating is that there are millions who have died before us and yet these experiences of losing a loved one are so individual and so personal!
I have already lost so many family members and yet the death of my spouse floored me, turned my world completely upside down. Never felt anything like this before.

You get to choose how you deal with your WH death, just try to stay away from alcohol or drugs. But I did get on a prescription of an antidepressant. That helped me out so much. Exercise was a lifesaver for me, my family, friends and animals too. I am also talking to a therapist but I didn't reach out to her until about a year after his death. Take your time in whatever you choose for support. It will be there when you are ready for it.

Here are a few more thoughts to ponder... I agree with you, the stress of leading this double life probably did take a toll on him. And you will get your answers. And you can still talk to him because (now this may be too much for others to understand) he still CAN hear you.

Talking to him is part of your healing process. And as I said before, every emotion you feel is legitimate. Take in the positive help and get rid of the rest. Honestly, sometimes getting help too early on isn't very helpful because your emotions are so raw and all over the place. There are less invasive ways to get help like SI, finding a grief group with other grievers, family, friends to help you get through each day for now may be your best bet. Or maybe find a therapist who specializes in grief could be helpful. Do whatever works for you for now. And remember you do have lots of options and the options will be there when you are ready to accept help.

I promise you that in the end everything will come to light. You will have so much clarity, it is mind blowing!!! If it weren't so darn painful though... that is the hard part. Just be careful who you get your support from because most won't understand the depth of pain that you are feeling due to his death and infidelities.

When did you say he passed away? I will go back and look.

Remember, one day at a time, sun up to sun down. And sometimes you will need to stay in the moment while you are in those deepest, darkest of emotions.

Bigger is right on about the finances. There was one credit card debt that was forgiven for me because it had his name on it only (and I am pretty sure that he racked up some debt with his affair partners). I just left it alone. I didn't need to see the truth of what I already knew.

And don't let the financial institutions try to intimidate you. They know that you are in a VERY vulnerable state right now and may try and take advantage of you. Better to have an emotionally stable family member help you.

I am glad that your WH passed before he decided that he was moving forward to be with her. I hope that you will be well cared for the rest of your life (I am) and the last laugh will be on her (I hope that I said that right). I want you to be able to laugh at her for what she did to you and your kid's. She had no right being with your husband. And yes, he is the most guilty.

I hope she gets nothing out of this but sheer pain. She deserves it and I have zero sympathy for her. Trust me when I say in time this all will be important too.

This is way too painful for me. I’m not sure how I will cope. It doesn’t feel like I will ever get over this. However you’re right, I need to be there for my children.

Keep these thoughts in your forefront At. All. Times. Your kid's are suffering too, damn him. They need to know that Mom is feeling sad but you will pull through this and they will too. Your family and friends need you around too. They all will help you to get through this very dark period of your life. Remember that they are suffering too.

I know that it is hard to believe in the moment but on the other side of this there is a whole other beautiful side of life waiting to unfold. I know you definitely don't feel this way in the moment but you need to hear this. It may not be the life you wanted or hoped for but none the less, your life will begin to unfold in a whole new beautiful light.

Having to deal with his lieing and infidelities may have ended up destroying you and your kid's. I know for sure in my case that is what was happening.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 6:01 PM, Saturday, June 25th]

Why me?

EBz, there is such a temptation to think that his actions say something about Who You Are, that they help define you as a person. When you think this way, then his actions are an attack on you by definition. A brutal one.

Have you ever seen Tiger Woods’ ex-wife? The one he cheated on over and over and over? Who was the failure in that deal?

I hope you’re taken care of financially with insurance and jobs. One foot in front of the other, be the person he wasn’t, the person who can look at themselves in the mirror without shame.

Hi Ebz40!
My goodness, I haven't posted on here for a VERY long time, but I still lurk and read. I almost never lurk in JFO because even after all this time, I still find it triggery for me sometimes. First of all, let me say that this site may have saved my life and most definitely my mind. I hear you, and I DO understand.

I found out about my husband after his death. We were married 28 years, had 4 kids ….all grown. Multiple grandkids. The pictures of us (most of which I destroyed) looked like the American dream. It was a second marriage for both of us. Both of us had cheating spouses that abandoned their former lives and children the first time around. He had cancer, that was ALWAYS diagnosed as terminal, but he survived for 2 and a half years.

Almost a year after he died, I accidentally opened his Facebook. It really was an accident, I wasn't trying to get into it at all. He was having an online affair with his xwife. Complete with pictures, from both sides. The one who cheated...the one who abandoned their 2 kids and never looked back. I kept digging and pain shopping and just kept going down layer after layer of betrayal. Some friends knew and enabled. Some of my friends had been propositioned and kept silent. There was at least one hooker and some "anything goes" messages. He and his xwife and his friends had alot of conversations about me. "Will she do this?", "Have you tried this?" He had always been very prudish about sex. I thought his sudden experimentation was a bucket list type thing...

I have nothing but complete sympathy for what you are going through. Listen to the suggestions about your finances. My husband was financially unfaithful as well.

I was totally numb when I first found out. I kept wondering why I wasn't angrier. That passed and I landed in an almost dangerous rage. It took some serious counselling to get me through to the other side. I can't recommend a good therapist strongly enough. You will need someone to vent with, and family and friends may not be the best choice right now. They are dealing with their grief and may not want to hear any of this. I had to work through my emotions to get to the place where I could be honest without doing damage to someone else. There are some folks (in the beginning) that I wish I had told less. I needed a SAFE place to vent, and you do too.

I'm pretty certain the xwife did not know how sick he was, and I am certain that she thought he would leave me for her. He painted that picture to get what he wanted from her. This mattered a lot to me in the beginning, but it does not anymore. This will pass for you, too. My husband has been dead almost 3 years.

Right now, your life has been ripped apart, not once but twice. You need to grieve for him, but the betrayal and anger gets in the way. I'm so, so sorry that you are having to go through this, but you WILL survive, you WILL be stronger, the hurt WILL stop. It takes time. I'm sorry, but it does. It's all too fresh and raw right now. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, you WILL walk clear of this

I hope so

I truly appreciate everyone’s support

Ebz,

I am so sorry for your hurt and pain. You mentioned earlier if there was anything you could have done differently to prevent his cheating. Please remember, known of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong. This was all on him. He and only he stepped out.

Wishing you strength

Hey Jehuretired! How is it going?

Jehuretired, Throwaway99 and there are a couple others on here who also has gone through a similar situation. And you will see that we all are healing, just differently. But the point is that we are healing. And you will too. But those first several months are going to be tough. This is why you will need your support system. They will carry you through.

Much, MUCH better, Hurtmyheart. Thanks for asking.

I had a woman approach me at a gathering a couple of weeks ago. She needed to tell me something in private. I immediately realized that I already knew and had forgotten, but on a scale of 1 to 10 of the stuff that I uncovered after my husband's death the fact that he had offered to scratch any little itch that she might have just didn't even measure a 1. She unburdened her soul, even though the truth at this stage is too little too late. I just love people who tell you what they know after it is too late to do anything about it....

It did not matter. Did not ruin my day. Did not send me back into the past. Did not faze me in the least. I had a perfectly nice day.

It's way too soon for all this to not hurt like hell Ebz40. Your emotions are on overload right now. But healing is coming. I promise. In the meantime, be gentle and good to yourself. Healing takes time and care.

Thank you Jehuretired

You alluded to the stress of his having a secret life that killed him but is not what killed him. He had heart trouble. It is a silent killer. Anything stressful was going to kill him. Someone blowing a horn at him in traffic could have.

If he was going to leave you he would have. My guess is that some form of oxygen deprivation caused mild brain changes that brought on his behavior. It happened to my father-in-law. His behavior changed and then he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure which led to even more oxygen loss which led to dementia.

A friend of mine’s relative developed Parkinson’s and the damage to his brain led him to porno obsession and flirting online with other women in front of his wife.

I think even his cheating was caused by changes in his brain so mourn the man he used to be and look to the future.

Some random thoughts and points that might help you with your emotions right now.

I think most of us might realize with time is that the wayward spouses decision to cheat hasn’t really got anything to do with us. Definitely impacts us and hurts us and all that. But the DECISSION to go have an affair… we aren’t a factor in that decision other than how they might keep it hidden from us.
Put it this way: The DECISSION hasn’t got anything to do with us, but the actual ACT has everything to do with us in how it impacts us.

You could have been the coldest, most frigid, most dominant, grumbling… whatever – wife ever. Your husband had the right and the option to demand change, and then if that didn’t work to divorce. He had no right, reason or justification to cheat.

I think this is a key factor in recovery. Realizing that we are impacted, but we are not the cause. Your husband didn’t cheat because of you, but rather despite you. There was nothing – NOTHING AT ALL – that YOU did that made him cheat.

Did he love you? Well… Probably. In his way. It’s more a question of how healthy his love is, and IMHO anything that is based on emotions can only be as healthy as the one with the emotions. Most crimes of passion are done by someone that will claim to have loved their victims. I have a background in law-enforcement and have some specialized training in dealing with domestic abuse. I have plenty of experience in talking to men that have physically beaten their wives but profess their love. It’s a strange and sick phenomenon.

Would he have left? Maybe. We have examples right now on this first page of this forum of WS that dumped their affair partners and committed to the marriage once discovered. We also have examples of someone being left abandoned because their spouse just up and went. I guess we will never know, but whatever he said to the OW about the future has about as much reliability as when he told you he would love you and respect and be faithful. You can go insane in what-if’s, so just don’t go there.

Your description makes him sound abusive/controling…
Was he that way when you two started, or is this something he developed along the way? With OW… he’s wooing her. I can give you a 99% probability that IF he had left and IF they had been together then he would have started to abuse there too. Abusers… they tend to do that. That’s how they get control, and it’s usually a development. A comment about maybe you are adding on weight, or a comment about your looks, or a comment about how you shouldn’t be trying to do something because you will fail… A gradual process of getting control. Once they feel confident or threatened it tends to become violent. It’s not planned or thought out, rather a development. I don’t think a man has decided once he meets a woman that he’s going to be abusive, it’s more something that just happens. Probably because that’s what he saw when growing up.
He could be bringing OW roses and chocolates in January, degrading her in October and slapping her by Christmas.

Some things are questions, and some are facts.
It’s a fact that you are his wife. That’s your legal stance. His funeral, his estate… all in your power. That has it’s benefits, but also it’s responsibilities.

Go back to my post about financial accountability.
You ask how you can carry on. Well… imagine this was another type of trauma. Like imagine your house was on fire. Would you just lay in bed wishing this wasn’t happening, or would you react to save yourself and your kids? If the fire was serious enough wouldn’t you be happy if you all were safe even if everything else burned down? That’s the mentality you need now. You need to ACT to save yourself and your family. These financial factors and legal factors are things you can act on, so do it!
You do not want to be facing a $$$ bill for his funeral while his account is self-billed for his OW rent…

Tackle that task because a) its important b) it helps with closure and c) it get’s you started on the process of recovery.

Things will pass.
Chances are you wont ever get the answers you feel so important right now. You already have heard from others with comparable experiences and it seems that at some point you get the same point many of us do: Shit happens. We can’t control it, but we can let go of the outcome.

Ebz40, I can't imagine the pain of not only losing your husband but finding out about the affair simultaneously. It's also a terrible stab to the heart that his last moments were spent with another woman at his side and that you and your children were denied the opportunity to be with him and say goodbye.

Others have mentioned this, but getting your legal and financial house in order should be your first priority at this time. The first reason is that it's a productive use of your time and can help you focus your mind on something that you can actually do. The second (and equally important reason) is that people who are unfaithful aren't unfaithful in merely one aspect of their lives. For example, my husband was stashing large amounts of cash at his mother's house throughout our entire marriage. I didn't know any of this until after I was divorced.

If you can afford it, hire a forensic accountant to take a deep dive into you and your husband's finances and see if there are any debts or financial improprieties of which you are unaware. Make sure that there are no assets in his name alone of which you are unaware or any money or assets that have been siphoned to OW. If a forensic accountant is too expensive or unfeasible, then run a thorough credit and background check on him to see what you can find.

Other questions: What emotional and practical support do you have from family and friends at the moment? What is your relationship like with your inlaws?