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How to navigate things with the kids is something I've really been struggling with. I don't have kids myself and have not been part of a blended family, so maybe the SI folks can help me with this.

I haven't heard from them either and it's felt like icky boundaries to reach out to them right now with things still...unclean? I can only hope they think my absence is still Covid related. This will take some work - I don't want to involve kids in adult problems, but also - the idea of them thinking I just up and abandoned them makes me pretty pukey. That's *exactly* why I didn't want to even meet them for the first time (even at that big family bbq) until we had been dating for over a year. Fuck.

I might be able to help you with some of this. My SO has never been married or had children and I was incredibly cautious about introducing my kids to him. Incredibly cautious. Ironically the pandemic cemented their relationship with him as he was very much in our bubble this year and were very happy to see him when he came over for dinner or card games. They now treat him as a member of the family and have individual relationships with him as well as with me. Did you have that with your Ex's kids? Would you meet for lunch or have one on one time?

Another way that my kids connected with my SO is social media. Do you follow them on instagram etc... The reason that I ask is that it's a way to open a door for them and with them. I know that they're thinking about you and probably wondering wtf. BUT they're also not sure how to handle the situation and if their father is modelling a "don't ask don't tell" policy about you they're probably afraid to discuss it with him.

You don't have to live with that. You can absolutely reach out individually to them (without a mention of their dad) and say that you're thinking about them and hoping that they are well. You know these kids, you've spent six years since you were introduced to them in their lives having a relationship with them. Young adults measure time in dog years. As long as their father isn't being a dick about you to them, you can make the effort to reach out. It's being the grown up in the room. When I first started discussing introducing my kids to my SO, I had to explain to him that while they look like fully formed adults, they really aren't. They wouldn't know how to initiate a communication with you so I urge you to be the one to do so. I don't know what their background story is but they're the children of divorce (or worse) so they've suffered losses and change. You can take the lead to offset that for them.

And the flip side of the "dog years" time for kids is that the longer you wait, the harder it will be for you and them. I wouldn't put it off.

In the greater context of the pandemic, the mental health burden has been very hard on teenagers and young adults. Ask me how I know. So they may also be wrapped up in their own anguish related to that and again, paralyzed as to how to reach out to you.

I might have missed it, but did you mention how old they are? Do you think he would be upset if you were to reach out to them on social media? Of course if they're adults then his permission isn't needed!

BrokenheartedUK:

You give me some really insightful things to think about with staying connected to them.

The thing I struggle with is: "Do I have that...right to initiate contact or want to stay connected if I'm not with their Dad?" That is a brand new boundary that I've never had to navigate before.

And what I know about him (or thought I did) - the "don't ask-don't tell" vibe is probably spot on.

newlife:

There are multiple kidlets and they are all teens - right in the middle ages.

Do you think he would be upset if you were to reach out to them on social media?

Full disclosure: I do not do social media. But your question about reaching out in general is a good one. I typed out several different possible scenarios, but I'm guessing right now his reaction would not be positive since he and I have not communicated in months. I don't want anyone in this situation - he or the kids - to see any sort of gesture as manipulative. And I don't like the idea of doing something that's not fully out in the open.

I'm still going to have to toss this one around in my head. Perhaps when I clean up business with him I can tell him my thoughts on staying in touch with the kids and go from there. He has every right though to tell me to fuck off and leave his kids alone.

I don't even have time to read all the comments, but I need to leave this here for now...

(((Chili)))

Just blaaahhh, blech, dangit.

A whimper indeed.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:47 PM, October 15th (Thursday)]

I'm so sorry Chili. What a freak this guy is. Who the fuck does that?? You've got tools and your using them well. I hope this fuckwad is in the rearview mirror very very soon.

siracha, lieshurt, Bleep, skeeter: Thank you guys so for the support.

Skeeter: I must have missed it earlier, but saw on your tagline you filed for divorce. Right. On. So glad you found your pathway.

Thanks, Chili.

Yeah, this last dday nuked all residual ambivalence once and for all. Still sucks but I'm getting out.

So my lingering question about the kids that I haven't sorted out just yet is this:

"Do I have that...right? to initiate contact or want to stay connected if I'm not with their Dad?" That is a brand new boundary that I've never had to navigate before.

Anyone here with teens - what would you think? Would it be...weird/bad boundaries/interloper for a former SO to still be involved in your kids' life?

When the time comes, I'm thinking of telling SO I'd like to write them a letter letting them know how I feel about them, how much they've meant to me, and perhaps leave the door open? I don't know. F-ing collateral damage.

Chili, as you know I’m kind of in a similar situation. My advice is to only respond if his kids reach out to you. Don’t initiate. They’re old enough to know how to contact you if they want to. My ex’s younger son reached out during the first week or so, but nothing since. I so badly want to know how they’re doing and how football season is going, but if I reach out, it’s only going to be seen as manipulative. I’d say this also applies to you. It’s awful. I’ve never been in a situation like this either, as my recent ex is the first woman I’ve had a significant relationship with since my divorce. The kids might come around, but if they don’t, you have to let them go too. Sorry.

(((Chili))) sorry you are going through this, but man what a jerk. I don't think I could tolerate what he said not after what I've been through with my ex narc.

Very sorry, Chili. But, wow, what an asshat.

These times of late have an insidious effect on everyone's psyche, I think. Not to at all trying to justify his treatment of you. Maybe he was thinking this way for a while and found it easier now to be cold and distant, literally and figuratively.

Hope things get better for you soon.

Chili...I so hate you are dealing with this.

Once I was married and he had a young daughter. When we divorced and I asked, “What about DD?” He responded that I was the mother she never had, and that I could see her whenever I wanted.

I have never seen her again. When he wouldn’t let me see her, I even reached out to his ex to ask to see the daughter from her side. Nope.

Once, about 7-8 years after our D, she called me. I was so thrilled that I could hardly speak. But she mostly wanted to talk ugly about...and get dirt on her dad. I wasn’t willing to get involved with that, so that was that. She never called again.

I hate to be a downer here - you deserve so much better. But I want you to prepare yourself for the kids to gradually “wean” off of excitement to be some kind of part of your life.

I hope and pray I’m wrong, and teenagers are different than younger kids, but it does happen.

I won’t pretend that I know what is best...but I agree with the idea of maybe letting them know you are interested in them - with or without being in a relationship with their dad. Then maybe see if they follow up.

As we say here a lot...blood is thicker than water, and I know you wouldn’t want to cause a riff between them and their dad.

I honestly don’t know how to tell if communication with them would be confusing to them, or just as easily could be the support they need to process the break up.

What a shitty situation. The kids always pay when they didn’t do anything. And it’s so hard to “fall in love” with kids like this...then have them “taken away”.

For sure, let them know they were and are important to you on their own, and not only because of their dad.

❤️❤️❤️

Perhaps you could send them each a gift card for Halloween and a little note that just says something like you’ve been thinking of them and wanted to say hi. Or you could send them each a little something from Amazon.

And just see what happens. It’s hard to say how he explained your absence to the kids, or if he has explained anything at all.

But I can sure relate to the sudden abruptness of it all. One night mine was a normal husband and the next day he walked out the door and hasn’t spoken to me since and never explained a thing. 49 years of my life up in smoke so just like that.

<duplicate >

[This message edited by josiep at 3:24 AM, October 20th (Tuesday)]

I'm curious about this, too. I my kids range from early elementary to 8th grade. I have been dating someone for a little over 6 months and am considering introducing her to them soon. I feel that with that introduction, she gets the option to maintain some sort of relationship even if ours doesn't work out. Introducing her to my kids is a step I will only take if I know that she is someone that would be a positive role model and influence on them. That reasoning stands whether our relationship ultimately works out or not. I do think I would want her to run everything by me (as I would any adult reaching out to my kids), but I wouldn't think that there is an issue staying in contact with random cards or holiday wishes or check-ins. Think of an Aunt or role model that lives out of town.

Anyway, I'm not fully clear on these thoughts yet. But this is where I am leaning so far.

GotTheShaft: I hear what you're saying. Which is what has kept me from reaching out thus far.

crazyblindsided and squid (good to "see" you squid): Indeed. His words really shocked me - hence the big fat line I drew. I wasn't going to tolerate a one-sided relationship. I still don't get it. And squid yeah - I know you're not defending him but I totally agree that these days have really screwed with everyone's psyche. The BUT is that all of us are having a difficult time and I thought I had a fully present partner to go through all of it with. His flaking/checking out without any explanation is not...do-able for me.

WR - thank you so much for the support and sharing your story. (As if you don't have enough rings...I mean crap... or whatever it is you have on your plate).

Seriously - I'm preparing myself for the loss. It really stinks. We have years of traditions of things that I did with them (my family too). I was a teacher in a former life and it makes me so sad that I won't be able to continue with them in their educational journeys. Again, sigh.

josiep (awfully good to "see" you as well). I really like the idea of sending things to them (vs. other types of communication that would force a reply). I'm pretty sure he hasn't explained much at all to them. Yeah - that abruptness thing. Whew. I'll be joining you on re-writing the next chapters of our lives (again).

FlipFlop: I actually have no doubt that he believes I'm a positive influence on his children. Even if he's furious when I drop the gavel. However - I also understand how that might be difficult for him personally to have me connected to them when he and I have severed things completely.

My main goal in all this is to somehow let them know how much they meant to me. I'm leaning towards letting him know I would like to write letters so at least they aren't left wondering, "Did Chili care about us at all?"

I'm also thinking that might be the best way to tie up loose ends with him - a letter outlining the items that need to be addressed. That may be...frosty? But I'm not seeing the benefits of trying to meet with him in person at this point. This is so fucking stupid.

Big thanks to everyone for letting me vent and helping me think through these final-ish pieces.

So I've been mentally composing a final letter to him in my head. So far, I've only focused on business items that need to be tied up. A couple friends I've chatted with suggested I also:

1. Make it clear it's over

2. Address my reasons for ending it head on

3. And if I don't, I might regret "not speaking my truth" or "getting closure" (which I'm not a big fan of trying to chase).

I'm torn because I vacillate between:

1. I already poured my heart out to him before I put down my boundary, and he chose to shut me down and shut me out on what I had to say. Why should I repeat myself? Why do I have to be the teacher of how people "should" treat each other?

2. I am not excited about the idea of making myself that vulnerable again.

3. It opens the door to hear things (perhaps angry ones) that will hurt me but not change my path at all.

4. And if he does act all surprised after months and months of giving me the silent treatment, then I have to go back to our last conversations and replay them for him?

5. I also don't expect he would reveal his inner bits or give me any insight on his end. So it would definitely be a one-way reveal.

My IC has an opinion on what I "owe him."

For what I "owe myself?"....I don't know. Will I regret spelling it all out (or not) in black and white on paper?

Can any of you wise folks give me some input?

There's a lot of posters here lately in NB who are struggling with breakups where their partners just disappeared with no "clear" explanation.

[This message edited by Chili at 12:50 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

Can any of you wise folks give me some input?

I have never been confused for being wise, but I don't have any legitimate input for you.

So, a virtual hug:

(((Chili)))

I'm sorry.

You owe yourself what you deserve. Peace, a sense of calm. What do you tell others who've been through this? What did you tell me? I believe it was something along the lines of "take care of yourself." I'd have to go back and check but I'm sure it was something like that! You owe it to yourself to move on if, when you reach out, he doesn't respond or responds in a negative way. I wish I could offer more besides a blanket statement and a hug!

1. I already poured my heart out to him before I put down my boundary, and he chose to shut me down and shut me out on what I had to say. Why should I repeat myself? Why do I have to be the teacher of how people "should" treat each other?

2. I am not excited about the idea of making myself that vulnerable again.

3. It opens the door to hear things (perhaps angry ones) that will hurt me but not change my path at all.

4. And if he does act all surprised after months and months of giving me the silent treatment, then I have to go back to our last conversations and replay them for him?

5. I also don't expect he would reveal his inner bits or give me any insight on his end. So it would definitely be a one-way reveal.

Business only. Keep it simple and to the point. There is no need to repeat yourself and really, if he cared He would have already reached out to you.

I'm not meaning to sound harsh but engaging him any further (besides business) could cause new hurts and who needs that?