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Ugh, I'm sorry Chili, but I agree with Jade. Take care of business only. No explanations or emotions. He has shut you down and shut you out. There is something wrong with him. People like that really don't care about your feelings or boundaries. Jerk.

(((Chili)))

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 3:42 PM, November 3rd (Tuesday)]

Man - it's pretty nice to have the shit running through your own head confirmed.

As I just re-read what I wrote in my last post, I think my initial instincts are correct - neutral tone and business only.

And here's the reveal on what my IC said: "At this point, you don't owe him shit."

Sometimes when you're in a total vacuum, it's easy to struggle with what the "right thing" is.

My biggest fear is I'm going to send a letter and he'll ignore dealing with the loose ends completely. (Been there, hated it.)

barcher: thanks for the virtual support

newlife: What I would say to another is: protect yourself. Be your own best caretaker. So yep - I don't feel like I have anything else I need to say that would help heal me.

Jade (long time no see!): Not harsh at all. Completely where my thinking is - why should I do handstands when it's obvious he wants nothing to do with my gymnastic skills. I know how to handle the business stuff as an adult - doesn't mean I have to expose my emotions while I'm doing it.

Bleep: There really is something wrong with him. After so many years, how is it that I missed the depth of his character? I mean, I'll of course continue doing work on that (again) in therapy. In that way, this journey has been a bit like the shock of discovering infidelity. I thought he was my forever person.

But - I reminded my BFF a couple weeks ago of something she said when I was gun shy about getting into a relationship with SO (or anyone at that point). She said, "I mean, if it all goes bad, you actually know how to end a relationship." She of course didn't remember saying it, so we had good laugh about that. Ah - it's the friends who get you through this shit.

After so many years, how is it that I missed the depth of his character?

Hey Chili, I missed the true character of xpos for many decades! My first IC had a whole alphabet of attributes for him. She said that, of course, nothing official since she had not dealt with him herself, but knowing how it all affected me, she could pretty much tell. SA, PD or BPD, NPD, (very serious and worsening) anger issues, conflict avoidant. I don't remember them all but she would point out "that goes to NPD", etc., as I answered her questions or related things that happened between us.

It's hard to see when it's right in your face, Chili. It can take time (that dreaded 4-letter word) and distance for the vision to clear. It's good you have your IC who has been a constant during this.

Omg 7 years and an ending like this?

If I would not read it - would not believe it.

That said covid is making people showing their true selfs. And you can see who is more ‘your’ people and who are not. Personally I have had fall out with someone from wider family as they were angry with me for some rule breaking re covid (mild one, but yes admitting it rule breaking). The universe has irony as few months later they were in contact with someone who had covid and went on rule breaking then, which I thought was more irresponsible to what I did - but no judgement - this time is tough..

But 7 years and this..

I have no advice - you seem to be holding your line and course very well - like a champion.

Why do you need a letter at all? Are there any things to collect etc? Personally I think he has showed that he does not deserve anything thoughtful. So if there is something business like to fix I would do it the way it’s easiest to you. Text ?

You are your priority.

Well - letter posted and on its way. Very simple action item list.

Really hopeful he won't make this part difficult and pull a head in the sand like assclown did to me way back when.

I'm relieved that it's out the door. I am ready. (Well I think so - I do admit to a few belly butterflies).

-------

MelissaZZZ: Sorry I didn't see your post until just now! Haven't seen you in forever and a day.

Why do you need a letter at all? Are there any things to collect etc?

Yes - there are items to exchange (I outlined literal no-contact driveway options) and what always seems to be the elephant in the room: money owed in my direction.

The rest is just logistic bits that need untying, but are as easy as hitting "cancel." I wanted to give him a heads up on those things so he can make arrangements.

I also told him of my intention to write each kid a letter.

Now I guess it's a matter of the waiting game.

Chili, I'm so sorry you are going through this. This really stinks. You have friends here who care about you and wish you well. Remember that you're not alone. 2021 will be a better year. It has to be.

(((Chili))). You are strong. You are good. You will get through this. Just sucks a whole lot today.

Hang in there.

I have a...healthy? update to this thread.

He called after receiving the letter and actually owned his shit.

He said things I wish I had heard months ago without a pink slip to nudge him...But we had a very honest and vulnerable conversation (well, I said some things I needed to say, but mostly I listened).

We addressed every item on my list, and I am confident there will be no drama in tying up any business between us.

I am not changing my course - I am still all in on shaping my new beginnings with self care. And to his credit, he didn't try and persuade me to do anything else. He did say "this is a big ask, but maybe someday you would consider me a friend."

I did give him props in calling - I acknowledged how difficult that must have been and was actually pretty fucking brave. So I feel like things between us are landing in a place of kindness. It's so night and day from the shit assclown put me through at the end. I am...relieved?

I don't regret standing up for myself, but it's just plain sad and I'm feeling exhausted.

Big huge shout out to the always-there SI folks for the soft landing. Especially during this wackadoodle year.

((((Chile))))

Wow... I'm glad you are happy with his response, and that he didn't pull any nonsense. Although the friend suggestion might be a long shot. I suspect it takes more to be your friend than what he is able to provide. I'm guessing you gave him a non-committal cordial answer to that

You sound well, Chili. Great plan on the self-care. It is always a good time for that, no matter where we are in life.

You continue to impress me with your resilience and strength, well also allowing yourself to feel the pain. (((Chili)))

Thanks Bearly and Bleep.

I'm guessing you gave him a non-committal cordial answer to that

I flipped it into humor while also making a point:

I said "giving me the silent treatment for months on end is not exactly the first trait I'd choose in a friend." We both actually laughed at that.

I did say how he handles everything right now would go a long way in showing respect for each other.

So yeah it's a long shot, and it would be a completely new pathway with Exes for me. Actually it would be nice to remember one fondly.

But in talking with IC - he pointed out that there were reasons we were together for such a long time and friendship wouldn't be unheard of if SO takes his own healthy journey. So I've learned to never say never, but it's not something I have on my plate.

resilience and strength

I've never quite figured out how you can feel puny and strong at the same time...but maybe that's exactly how it's supposed to be.

Chile,

So happy he mustered the balls to call you and give you some of the answers you deserved. You're a class act.

there were reasons we were together for such a long time and friendship wouldn't be unheard of if SO takes his own healthy journey. So I've learned to never say never

Absolutely. I completely agree with this.

And as you know, "never say never" is my new motto. We are constantly changing and growing as individuals, and the rules that worked for us in one chapter, may not be the right rules for the next chapter. We listen to our guts, and make the choices that we feel work best for us at that time.

Winning at life, Chili! I'm happy for you!

Well...just because I need to get it out somewhere, I think I'm done with the last heavy piece of this untangling.

I finally got ready to write letters to each of the kids - sharing specific memories and their own unique awesomeness. Calling out their gifts and talents. To be cliche - saying that I see them and they have mattered. It was from a tone of gratitude. I didn't mention their Dad and I made no promises or ask them to be in contact or anything like that. I have no expectations on that front.

It was really fucking hard.

I missed them and our traditions like crazy over the holidays.

I fear these letters will make them sad and I don't particularly love that idea. But in working through this with IC - he says it's the good kind of sad and people always need to know they matter and are loved.

So the stack is sitting here all stamped and ready to go.

PS: Ex is such a fucking idiot.

Ah, Chili. This sounds healing and so bittersweet. Yes, though to what your therapist said - kids have people come and go from their lives and sometimes never know that they were seen and mattered. It's a beautiful gesture.

Ex is a moron amongst morons though, absolutely.

(((Chili))) you are a kind human being and I'm sure his kids will appreciate this gesture. I know I would.

That sounds like the kind of letter one keeps and treasures — so glad you wrote them.

Ex is King of morons.

You really are a class act, Chili. Writing those letters must have been both difficult and healing at the same time. What a gift for them from you. I, too, believe they will treasure those letters.

I imagine the holidays were most certainly difficult this past year. I'm sorry.

Keep on keeping on. ((Chili))

Chili,

It seems you have things well in hand.

Clearly the man is dumber than a doorknob.

Why it is so hard for some people to get the basic idea that care is a two way street idk.

Looking on the bright side you will be so much less burderned now!

You can apply the new found time and energy to something for you!

Audio books

Udemy

Online bookclub

Hugs!

Children are so often collateral damage in post-divorce relationships. Sometimes because they are not fully accepted, but merely tolerated, by their parent’s new partner, and others, like in your case, because they get to meet someone lovely who is genuinely fond of them and improves their life just by being in it, and lose them.

I am so sad for your X’s children and even more so for you. The letter is such a lovely and gentle touch. It’s a way of telling them they are in your heart without questioning their loyalties.

Your handling of this whole sorry mess has been exemplary Chili. You literally haven’t put a foot wrong. You can really be proud of yourself.

(((Chili)))