SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How did it happen? Do you regret it? What did you WS do?

She walked past me when I was at a checkout. I had seen photos. I approached her in the car park and said thank you for showing my husband what he was missing with me. She didn't get it so I said thank you for what she did as it blew my husband and I apart and we are stronger than we have ever been. She said that's OK! I have felt really angry since as he was so affairing down it is not true. She made me feel like a princess. I am angry that he risked everything for her. It has not helped my self esteem. When I said how rough she was he said she was better 5 years ago when the affair started ....not helpful.

She reached out to me because she was pissed I was feeding her husband all the information I had been getting. She threatened me that she would see him again, blamed me for him leaving the job, blah blah. She is an unapologetic, despicable person. I used to be so bothered that I didn’t respond much back as I didn’t want to lower myself to her. I basically just gave me a smart remark about him not being willing to go along with her plan to leave work.

Truth is, she’s pathetic and beneath me. She knowingly took second. He would only see her at work despite the fact that she kept pushing to go to a hotel and go on dates. He would only text her if I wasn’t around. She kept coming in for extra shifts but he continued working the same schedule. She accepted mere crumbs. It’s pitiful. When he wrote his NC letter, I had written one to outlining all her pathetic behavior but never sent it. Someone like that isn’t worth my time or head space.

I did something similar to Howmuchlonger. AP was pissed that I had come to their workplace to take my H to lunch. She sent him a shitty email saying that we were mean to do that. (WTAF? lol) He forwarded it to me, as per our NC agreement. With his blessing, I responded with something like, "I'm sorry that you got caught up in our marriage's freefall. Sometimes one has to hit rock bottom to appreciate what they have. Thanks for your part in our awakening." She stopped responding after that.

Another time, we had to meet with her to tell her something. H arranged the meeting, but didn't tell her that I would be there. I'm sure she thought he was wanting to rekindle the A. The look on her face when I walked out right behind him: I gave her a copy of Facing Codependence and said, "This helped me. Maybe it will help you stop hurting yourself and hurting other people." My bet is that she tossed it out the window as soon as she drove away, but damn it felt good to snipe at her in a somewhat healthy way. lol We stood there talking at her for a good five minutes and she NEVER said a word to me. She never has. I think she's a huge chicken. Afterwards, my H was impressed with how kind I was and how well I kept my cool and said, "You're a bad motherfucker."

I've run into her at company parties over the years, but we have never interacted. Sometimes I wish that I had taken the opportunity to give her a piece of my mind (and maybe my fist) in the early days, but mostly I'm glad that I've only treated her like a pesky gnat.

Are you considering contacting the AP?

Only once willingly, but we have and continue to run into each other on the regular. I don't regret what I've said to her....ever. I do regret that those run ins are enormously triggering and take up far too much head space. FWH hates it as it sets me and us back for a day or two. And, she's not sorry or accountable, or respectful. She takes no responsibility. Ended up divorced. She did send me a half assed apology (we were friends and this was a double betrayal for both couples). It was all about how she was sorry she didn't resist FWH's advances. I have stood my ground with her a couple of times. FWH supports me in those moments, but it has been very difficult. She's nearly a stalker. She really wants me to know that it was all FWH's fault....and says things like "I know he misses me". And, yes....boy or boy did he affair down!. Does a number on my self-esteem each time I see her.

If you're asking if you should interact with the AP....why? In my experience, I haven't gotten any closure or satisfaction from it. She's had ample opportunity to take herself in hand and own her part of this....but I've given up getting anything helpful from her. She just seems to groove on the discomfort I feel in her presence while I also refuse to chance my life to avoid her. She's not going to admit to herself that she did anything wrong to me. One counselor friend told me that when people feel enormous shame, they will often turn their victims into villains in their life story. She's done exactly that. Very narcissistic behavior.

Other BS, helpful. AP can absolutely kiss my a$%.

When I said how rough she was he said she was better 5 years ago when the affair started ....not helpful.

Or he had his affair goggles on. I know my H did. Once they came off, he was kind of embarrassed. I bet your H was defending his choice, not defending her.

Oh the AP was rotten to me. Shortly before DDay she started messaging me trying to be friendly but I wasn't receptive. She escalated and began telling some pretty big whoppers. In the aftermath she came to find me at a common event to tell me my WH had hoped her nearly born baby was his (it's not). I just looked her up and down, let her know that some people have to go slumming at least once in their life, and that her BH thought I was hotter than her. She never same near me again.

Reached out to each of them over text with carefully crafted wording designed to convince them that I knew a bit more than I really did at the time (also letting slip that there were other OW I knew about, so they might get upset &, perhaps, turn more in my favor) and to attempt to foster some empathy for me--along the lines of "do a fellow woman a solid".

The results?
Got lots of info from the single one that had been catfished by fWH and was appalled he was married.

Got some confirming info but some downplaying of her part from the single one who knew he was married.

Got denial and minimizing from the cOW who knew he was married (and was married herself...at the time). A "we were just good friends" type of response. I left it alone; I already knew more than that.

I confronted the AP and my WS in a restaurant. My WS and I took it outside to the parking lot where a crowd actually gathered. The AP came out and tried to apologize that she didn’t want to hurt anyone and I had some good comebacks And said my peace. But honestly, it didn’t do anything. my WS actually ended up walking out that later it made me feel better to have at least spoke in my mind, but it didn’t accomplish anything at all. I think it actually fed my WS story, but I was unhinged and unstable.

AP was pissed that I had come to their workplace to take my H to lunch.

Same here. She actually went to HR and complained that she feels intimidated by the wife of the man that she had an affair with showing up in reception to pick up her husband for lunch. lol. Imagine having to do that.

Someone with insight who worked with WH for the last 25 years then called him to unofficially warn him she had complained, saying they advised against me showing up again. To which my WH asked if there will be a change in policy communicated to the entire organisation informing them that spouses are forbidden from their office reception area. Needless to say I continued to show up as many time as we wished to have lunch near his office and her complaint was thrown in the bin most likely as there was absolutely nothing amiss. WH was never spoken to officially because what was there to talk about?

But ow actually enjoyed the drama and she figured out from his work diary when WH was having lunch with me (sometimes I picked him up for lunch, others we met somewhere) and used to show up in reception EVERY time, so much for feeling intimidated, right? Once she was just outside behind a pillar smoking and throwing daggers like a total mental case. By this point she had an official police complaint for harassment and an HR investigation going on for accessing WH’s personal details on their HR system to which she had access.

I did get some satisfaction from this. Us two totally ignoring her each time (it was probably around 5-6 times), walking deep in conversation, appearing a unit definitely delivered the message.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 9:20 AM, Friday, October 13th]

I messaged my husband’s AP a kind of "how could you" message and we ended up communicating back and forth for a bit.

Nothing super dramatic or crazy; she profusely apologized and had a raft of excuses. I wish I hadn’t contacted her though. I was naive enough to believe some of her apologies and promises of NC, but within days she was trying to lure him back in to secret contact and I felt so lied to and duped all over again. I wish I had just iced her out.

We still see each other occasionally; they still work at the same place, in the same department, and we live in a small town where his workplace is a major employer and feature of the town. Fortunately she commutes in from an hour away and their contact at work is as minimal as it can be. But yeah, I wish I hadn’t tried to talk to her. I’m

I had to call the OW to learn my H’s affair had not ended in dday1 and they had been seeing each other the past few months.

I got all the dirt I needed from that 2 minute phone call.

She apologized. She was sorry. Blah blah blah. I never yelled or said anything nasty or rude to her. I thanked her for taking my call and ended the call quickly (maybe a 2 minute call).

And a month later she was trying re-start the affair. She had a "connection" with him. Typical GenX/Millenial drama crap 😂.

When my H would not engage she went after me on social media. She posted how women are so pathetic ti remain married to a cheater and she would never do such a thing(!).

So just to recap in her twisted mind it’s better to be the cheater/OW rather than the betrayed spouse. 😂😂😂🤪

She blamed me (of course) for standing in the way of their "true love". What she doesn’t know is when I told my H I was D him, I also told him he was free to be with her or anyone else. Not my concern anymore.

That’s when he told me he had ended it w/her and it’s over for good (not that I really cared at that point). But the OW still believed I was stopping him from communicating w/her.

Whatever.

I messaged with AP the morning after D-Day. I still have the chat saved somewhere.

She was so so sad, but not sorry for interfering with my marriage. She wanted one more chance to talk to WH and threatened me that she would find a way if I didn't allow him to talk to her.

[This message edited by SadieMae at 4:52 PM, Friday, October 13th]

How did it happen?

My H had his A while working alone overseas. The only interaction was through texts, emails, etc. The adultery co-conspirator kept trying to contact my H after he sent her the NC message. At first I listened to what everyone said on here...NO CONTACT. After 5 MONTHS of her attempts though...every 2-3 weeks at HER whim...I had ENOUGH!!

I set up an email...and started sending HER a barrage of emails. I wanted to let her know that TWO could play at this harassing game and I WOULD WIN!!! I spewed poison in those emails too. I practically DARED her to reply. She took the bait .

The adultery co-conspirator apologized...IF she hurt me. She then went on to LIE in the next paragraphs...deliberately TO hurt me . I happily let her know that I knew she was lying...and wrote about HOW I knew. This showed her that my H was being honest with me in the interactions they had. Adultery co-conspirators truly BELIEVE that they have something SPECIAL in their fantasyland A bubble. Nothing POPS that bubble quicker than when they find out just how UNTRUE that is. I FELT that POP in the adultery co-conspirator's words...and SAW it for myself when my H realized the adultery co-conspirator was USING him as much as he was USING her.

Do you regret it?

Yes and No. That last email I sent worked. It has been 9 years since that email and my H and I have never received anything from her since that time.

BUT...I went down to her level. I deliberately HURT another human being. The adultery co-conspirator wrote an email to my H once when he stopped all contact with her after his NC message that she felt like a USED...USELESS...NOBODY. I drove that home for her in that last email I sent. I was upset that she LIED to me to HURT me in her email reply...and I lashed out really HARD. I shouldn't have stooped down that low. I accomplished what I set out to do...but I do regret the harshness of my words.

What did you WS do?

My H kept encouraging me to NOT interact with the adultery co-conspirator...at first. He felt it would hurt ME to do that. I agreed with him on that...until that last call she tried to make. I was LIVID...and told him what I was going to do. It wasn't up for debate .

My H gave me his full support...and felt that MAYBE once the adultery co-conspirator saw that I did KNOW about the A...then maybe she would stop trying to contact him. During their A...my H was adamant that he would take this secret to his grave. They had several discussions on this...I was to NEVER know. The adultery co-conspirator kept trying to contact my H...telling him at one point that she could make his life hell like he made hers by writing ME a letter. It seemed like she didn't believe him when he wrote to her in his NC message that I knew. After my emails to her...there was NO DOUBT that I knew!!

She actually went to HR and complained that she feels intimidated by the wife of the man that she had an affair with showing up in reception to pick up her husband for lunch. lol. Imagine having to do that.

That's RICH. I love the way your H handled it. *chef's kiss*

I did get some satisfaction from this. Us two totally ignoring her each time (it was probably around 5-6 times), walking deep in conversation, appearing a unit definitely delivered the message.

That's exactly what we did, holding hands in what looked like deep conversation, which was actually us telling each other, "I'm about to barf."

I took every opportunity to get up in her business. And she'd do the same thing as your AP - she'd make sure that she was in reception when I was there. I remember clear as a bell one time when she had her back to us, leaning over the reception counter. She was wearing stretch khakis and you could see her cellulite clearly outlined on her big butt. I'm sure she thought she was striking an alluring pose, like an animal in heat, but it was...not cute.

The ow had given my W lots of little gifts. W went NC via text. The ow blew up the phone lines and then messaged that she would come over to pick up the gifts. W quickly collected the shit and put it into a shopping bag.

We live in an apartment building, and I went down to the vestibule when ow and her H showed up. That is, I was outside a locked door and inside an unlocked door.

It turned out that she/they didn't want the shit back; they thought that they'd see my W instead of me. They kept trying to get into the building. I just kept trying to get them to leave. They kept asking me questions, and I kept answering 'IDK.'

Eventually they agreed to leave if I agreed to bring a message to my W, which I did. The ap wrote the note. I put it in my pocket. When I got upstairs, W told me she had arranged a session with her therapist that afternoon. I liked the therapist very much, and I gave her the note.

I never had any intention to give the note to my W. I didn't even tell my W there was a note. I never thought I owed honesty to ow or her H since they had been so dishonest with me.

The gifts? I had W tear up the paper gifts and throw out the gifts we thought were low value. There were some high value gifts which W returned via USPS.

I could have lived very well without the experience of meeting ow and obs. I did better at the meeting than they did, but not meeting would have been even better. In fact, I feel a little dirty just remembering the meeting. (Triggered - just pain I didn't realize was in me coming to the surface to be released.)

ETA: The reason I felt dirty is that ow showed herself to be immensely pitiable. W had told me she was something special as a human being, but all I saw was a supremely selfish loser. She kept saying something like, 'What did I do wrong?' She seemed to mean that she thought this was like a normal break-up of a couple. Man, she was fucked up - W really did affair way, way down.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:26 PM, Friday, October 13th]

I interacted with MOW after D-Day and she was spiteful and remorseless as one can be. Blaming me for what happened for driving my xWS away. My xWS was angry that I contacted her but I don't regret it. I thanked her when she reached out to me to tell me their A never ended 2 years after I thought it had ended. If it weren't for her contacting me I never would have known the A continued. What she didn't know was that he was also having flings with some others I found during that time at which point she said she felt betrayed

Sorry for diverting the OP’s question but I am so disturbed by the responses here.
I can’t believe how demented these APs are. Do they not have a conscience? In what universe is it ok to trespass on someone’s marriage? There is no religion, or culture that condones adultery. I can’t understand how these AP feel no guilt or shame on what they have done.
Sorry for hijacking the thread. I just needed to vent.

I had to interact with her AP when she set up a meeting for him to pitch me his idea to back his business of renovating and flipping houses. I sat with this guy in my house the day after she had unprotected sex with him in it , while he presented his plans which my college interns could have done a better job putting together. She was in and out of the room. She told me later she was mortified at what she had done, but stupid me trusted her and didn’t see anything out of the ordinary other than she wasted my time and I skipped playing golf to do this for her.

She claims he pressured her, but it didn’t stop her from continuing the affair. In fact that’s when things got really nasty as I "killed" his dream by not giving him the money. He took that out on her and me by basically doing things with her sexually that I could never get over. She was such damaged goods that our sex life, if you could call it that, turned from a loving giving relationship to just a physical release for me.

It sucks in the end he won that battle.

The only good news is he borrowed from friends and family and when he went bust he had some nasty guys after him and got run out of the whole northeast.

I’m kind of fascinated that there are no stories of BH’s confronting POSOMs post D-Day. Do we just intuit the volatility and leave it be?

I had a few text exchanges. First just spammed him that he was a complete piece of shit and he would have to live with that the rest of his life. Then I threatened to message bomb him at home and work until I got his wife on the phone because I was pretty suspicious that he was intercepting my attempts to contact OBS. He gave a "if I hurt you" apology, what a sack of shit.