SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

More than ever, lately at other places, I see the phrase "Her sexual past before you met is none of your business!!". And yes, I only used "Her" in my sentence bc I've never seen it the other way around, but I suppose it has been used that way.

What specifically got my attention was a guy who took his wife of 10 years or so to last year's company Christmas party and found out that his very new boss was his wife's boyfriend before he met her.

It was a very long story but it eventually led to H receiving a video of W banging boss and 3 other guys at the same time. They were doing everything: anal, swallowing, facials...and W was euphorically yelling at them to do those things.

The OP said he was having a very difficult time dealing with it and hadn't had sex with her ever since.

Early in their relationship his W initiated a sexual history talk with him. At that time she told him she had never done those things and anything she did do was always one on one.

He was pissed about the lies. Said had he known about what she had done (multiple guys at once) he wouldn't have married her. He went on to say that while he could probably get over either/or (the sex acts or the multiple guys at once), seeing her joyfully do things with 4 guys at once, things denied him, the both of them together was what was killing him.

Of course she became more than ready to offer up everything he saw on the video, but he said he'd always feel like she would only be doing it for fear of losing him. He felt totally emasculated that she would do things with guys she swore she felt nothing for but not him.

This poor guy took a beating from the users there. Everyone telling him it was none of his business and telling him his was an asshole for slut shaming her.

How do you guys feel about this? Is your SO's sexual past any of your business? If no, then how about in the extreme case I talked about in this post where one SO voluntarily denied liking things but then it gets thrown in the other SO's face with a video that it was all a lie.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 3:46 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

This is a hard question for me. My husband and I never had this discussion. I know he had been with many women before me being a little older and having been single in the military. I never asked anything other than whether he had ever been with a certain type of woman once during a movie we watched. He never really asked me anything either but I think he knows my past isn’t as vast as his.

Would I want to know more? I think the most important reason would be if it involved anything criminal or accusatory, or whether he had contracted a disease, especially one such as Herpes that is lifelong when you are exposed. Obviously if he’d created a child with someone else that would be a different story too.

p.s I hope that man quit his job. What kind of boss sends video around of an employees current wife ha ring any kind of sex, regardless of how many people are involved or the acts themselves? I also think the discussion should have been had with his wife. Maybe she is ashamed by that video and the reason why she won’t do those acts with him?

Do I have the right to know anything more? I’m leaning toward no. Barring the above reasons there is nothing that would have changed our first date or first sexual encounter together. His past was before me and I’m more concerned with any sexual activity he has had during the marriage (why were all here isn’t it?)

[This message edited by Marie2792 at 5:20 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

Well, lying about it is an issue for certain. I might understand someone not disclosing behavior from the past if never asked but having a dialogue on it and lying is wrong. I can see why she would lie about that behavior but that doesn't make it ok.

The crazy thing is that everyone now has a videocamera in their pocket. How many people are filming their sex nowadays? Do people who are acting out porn like fantasies tend to film it more?

How did this guy get the video?

Yes, I think so, because it gives you some insight into their personality and how they treat ppl (short vs long relationships, levels of commitment etc). The problem is that I bet most ppl tailor their response to what they think the new partner wants to hear, so nothing even vaguely dodgy would be admitted to, if the person didn't think it would be well received.

Early in their relationship his W initiated a sexual history talk with him. At that time she told him she had never done those things and anything she did do was always one on one.

This is the problem. She lied. And, yet another reason to never make a video of your sexcapades. Of course, this could have been recorded without her knowledge. We don't know the actual circumstances of that video. It's quite possible she was ashamed of this, and afraid he would dump her if she told him, which seems like a valid fear.

Why in the hell would someone share that video with him if not to shame them both? I'm sure he feels humiliated by that. I hope he can find a way to get past it with his W. She didn't do anything to him.

He is slut shaming her, which is not ok. If that was a video of him with 4 women, he'd be getting all the "atta boy"s! That's why you've only heard this in reference to women. Women are still expected to be innocent and pure before M. Ok, today, women can have some sex before M, but not too much and not too adventurous.

No, I don't think it really is anyone's business unless there are dangers involved, like a former sex worker who was potentially exposed to myriad of diseases. I asked my fch if we had this discussion before we got married. I vaguely remember a convo about past boyfriends/girlfriends. He said we did, but I avoided answering. He let it go.

I just asked my fch about this. He said other than knowing # of partners for risk assessment, he doesn't need to know anything. He even brought up an extreme situation like this as an example before I told him about the content of the video. He said he doesn't need to know the sex acts involved. None of his business.

I don't think your sexual history is anyone's business beyond the question of health. I agree the W in this scenario is being slut shamed and. Her lying about the acts committed is the only issue I see, but the H should never have asked. She should have told her H that she didn't want to discuss her sexual past and he could have decided if that was a deal breaker. She should feel no shame wrt the video and furthermore she is entitled to say she no longer enjoys those acts. Whoever sent that video is an asshole and should not distributing it without the participants' permission.

Lying about it is an issue, yes, but I also get it. When my WH and I first met, he had been on a few dates with another woman (he stopped things with her before he and I moved forward). I was trying to gauge if things were serious or what the deal was so I asked if they had sex. He said no. Found out recently that they had in fact had oral sex. I wouldn’t have necessarily handled things differently at the time had he told me, but knowing he lied about it makes me mad. He told me he didn’t want me to think he just slept around, and honestly, I get that. You don’t know how judgmental somebody might be, and honestly the past is the past. Can’t change it. For the case in this article, we don’t know how the conversation went down when the husband asked her. He could have been indicating he would have judged her for it, and made her feel like she had to hide it. Who knows.

I don’t think I ever lied to my WH about my sexual past, but didn’t disclose all details when we first met either. I don’t think I owed that to him. I never did anything illegal and was STD free. I don’t necessarily believe that our sexual history changes who we are as a person. It is not always an indication of how healthy our relationships can be. It doesn’t change us being capable of being in a monogamous relationship.

I have recently disclosed more to my WH, and he has been fine with everything (though he does get hung up on one thing in a particular, in a I want that fantasy way, and it gets a bit annoying). If he hadn’t been fine with everything, oh well. I’m not ashamed of what I did.

I certainly in no way owe my WH the opportunity to do things with him that I’ve done with others. I’ve done things before him that I have zero interest in doing now. I don’t regret those things, but have no plans to repeat them. Let’s say the woman in the article was with another woman in her past. Does she now owe that to her husband? Nope. Just because she liked it at the time, doesn’t mean she wants to do it again. The guy in the article (based on your description) sounds like he thinks he’s entitled to repeat performances. Big nope.

Anyway, my long point is she should have been honest initially, seen how judgmental he is and walked away then.

Yes, it's your business. Your health is at risk. My WH had never done anything sexually with anyone else but me. He kissed 2 other girls about 2 weeks before we started dating (right after high school).

Lying isn’t ok. If you are not comfortable discussing something, just say you don’t want to discuss it because it’s in your past. I do think in that situation if the wife knew the boss - she should have given her husband a heads up that she had been with him. I live in the area I grew up in and occasionally will see someone I casually dated in the past and make sure to let my husband know if there is a history. I would expect him to do the same. That is just about respect.

However, my WH doesn’t know the number of people I’ve been with and I don’t believe he cares. I believe he knows what I’ve done - but probably not everything. Again, I don’t think it matters. I don’t know all the ins and outs of what he’s done either. The only things I care about are what he’s done since he’s been married to me.

To those who are a claiming the husband is slut shaming her, do you know his sexual past? Do you know his standard he has held himself to? Do you know how many partners he’s had?

I didn’t see anything in the OP talking about the husbands past. So how can you even begin to assume he’s slut shaming her without even knowing the standard he’s held himself to?

I swear sometimes folks absolutely refuse to look beyond their own talking points and consider a larger picture.

How do you guys feel about this? Is your SO's sexual past any of your business? If no, then how about in the extreme case I talked about in this post where one SO voluntarily denied liking things but then it gets thrown in the other SO's face with a video that it was all a lie.

It's possible to try things once or twice and decide that, ultimately, you don't enjoy them. I've had multiple threesomes, both with men and women. They're somewhat fun, but not really my thing. Too much going on. I'd rather focus my attention/energy towards one person.

This is the problem. She lied.

This. 100%. I think my WH pretty much knows everything I've done, because I had no shame about it and have never been one to lie/hide/deny things. I can't understand marrying somone, or duping someone into marrying you that you didn't feel you could be completely honest with. That just feels like... building a foundation on sand.

But then again, I also don't understand judging someone for having threesomes, anal, facials, etc.

I'd say it is, for both genders if they're interested in finding out. Past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour. You can usually extrapolate from it, and see where their wants, likes, and values lie. People who argue it's "Nobodies business!" are usually people who'd rather like to hide these things. Which leads directly into the second part of this.

Lying. People who feel the need to lie have a reason for doing so. Whether it's because they know their actions and antics are frowned upon in polite society, because they know it'll clash with their partner's boundaries, because they themselves wouldn't want a partner to behave in such a way, etc. At the end of the day, it's all smoke and mirrors, at best lying by omission at worst outright lies. Either way that alone is a good enough reason to eject from such a situation.

Bonus points if they "never did such things, and have no interest in such things!" up until proof to the contrary comes to light. Because it'll end up showing how little they are interested in actually investing in their current partner and relationship. Things they were willing to do with random strangers, they can't be arsed to do for their spouse, the person they supposedly love and want to spend their life with. Because at the end of the day, they just "settled" for the boring nice guy/girl from next door. Who provides that safe and secure albeit boring life to them.

Edit, also "slut-shaming" is just that much hot air. It's pretty much just a dog whistle for "don't judge me for my behaviour no matter what I did, even though I myself know it was bad". Because if one wouldn't think so, one wouldn't have an issue with admitting to it straight up. People judge other people, everyone does. It's how we form our opinions and make decisions. Past behaviour is the best indicator for future behaviour and your past doesn't just go away because you find it inconvenient. And that goes for both genders.

[This message edited by Marauder at 7:12 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

Barregirl said

I don't think your sexual history is anyone's business beyond the question of health. I agree the W in this scenario is being slut shamed and. Her lying about the acts committed is the only issue I see, but the H should never have asked. She should have told her H that she didn't want to discuss her sexual past and he could have decided if that was a deal breaker.

The thing is, SHE initiated the conversation.

Edit, also "slut-shaming" is just that much hot air. It's pretty much just a dog whistle for "don't judge me for my behaviour no matter what I did, even though I myself know it was bad". 

Why are facials bad? Threesomes/orgies? Anal? I get that in our society there are some taboos, but what makes anal sex bad but vaginal sex okay?

Marie2782 said

p.s I hope that man quit his job. What kind of boss sends video around of an employees current wife ha ring any kind of sex, regardless of how many people are involved or the acts themselves? I also think the discussion should have been had with his wife. Maybe she is ashamed by that video and the reason why she won’t do those acts with him?

Boss was fired after a brief investigation and prosecuted under revenge porn law.

As far as being ashamed, I can tell you most male SO's won't "get it" if that's the case. We tend to think the more enthusiastic a female is with sex the more they're into the guy.

She told him after he saw the video that she had done those things with every SO before him, but after the relationship with the ex boss, she decided to calm down or something to that effect. The OP said even with oral that she'd do it every once in a while upon request but that it was very lackadaisical or uninspired or something like that.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 7:41 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

I say yes, and the brief specifics of them, like how long they were together and how they ended. Just like family history of illnesses, and not least important, their early childhood family experiences. All of it is important IMO, if for no other reason than to spot patterns and red flags.

If my wife had banged 4 guys at once, I likely wouldn't gone past a third date with her.

The lying is the problem.

Yes, people may take past partners into account. Dating someone, marrying them, is elevating them, putting them into special status. It is not "shaming" someone because you don't want to date them for whatever reason.

I have turned down women that I thought had too many LTRs. If you have 4, 5, 6 LTRs, all of 5-7 year duration, reasons for ending them seem superficial, I am assuming you won't be in it for the long haul with me either.

When I read the story a week ago or so, my W and I had a long discussion about this.

I told her the sex acts wouldn't bother me bc I'm not into anal and we do everything else there is to do. A lot. Lol. But the 4 on 1 thing and her screaming to cum down her throat and treat her like the whore she is....I'm not sure if I could get past that. Didn't upset her at all as she said she'd have been surprised had I said otherwise.

However, it all would've gotten to me if she had told me no to all of that activity and initiated a conversation where she lied about it.

Hell yes, it's my business.

Once we became engaged, if there was anything I wanted to know about my husband's past,I had every right to ask.

If I'm going to permanently attatch myself to him,then I have the right to know anything,and everything, about him. Sorry,not sorry. I get to make informed decisions about MY life.

It's funny how a woman's former promiscuity is supposedly none of her fiancee's, or husband's business. Because God forbid he find out she got around. But ask those same people if they have the right to know their fiancee, or husband, has cheated before,or cheated in every single relationship, and 99% of them would emphatically say yes, they would deserve to know that.

Not my business? Please.