SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As long as everything was safe and consensual then quite frankly then no, I'll throw legal in there too.

I hate the double standard here, a woman having sex with several men is a slut, it's a gang bang and all kinds of derogatory terms. Let's be honest if it was a man having sex with several women he would be seen as some kind of stud and the women would still be slut shamed for taking part in group sex.

If this is real (which I doubt) and he had never seen his wife act like this I'm surprised there's no inclination to see if she was out of her mind drunk or on drugged when it was filmed.

I agree 100% with the distinction mentioned by many above between "acts done prior to marriage but no longer done" versus "acts denied a spouse but done during an A."

People experiment sexually while single. Many people have a Jones to try something - group sex, anal, whatever. They try it a few times, maybe even enjoy it a lot, but decide that they've had their fill and move on in life without doing it again. That person does not in any way "owe" somebody new that experience.

If, for example, I wanted anal and I was considering marriage to a woman who would not do anal with me, but I learned that she had done anal with a prior lover, then it's my issue and mine alone. I can either decide to move on until a find a woman who will do anal with me, or get married knowing that anal is not on the menu.

From this WW's perspective, yes it is. Until recently I would have said differently, but in our healing I've learned some very important lessons.

There were things I had a hard time with because of my own past betrayel/abuse/trauma that I allowed H to do because he wanted to, and admitting my discomfort with them meant I had to also admit I really was a victim once. He knew of the trauma, but not the depths of it. I presented myself (even to myself) as someone who was so damn strong she just rose above it all.

Recently, after one of those acts, I became even more withdrawn than normal, and excused myself to the bathroom to cry. H followed me, held me, and it all came rushing out. It was one of the most significant emotional releases I've ever had, and things came out that I had suppressed so far down I barely remembered until all released.

H was dumbfounded. He wasn't angry, but couldn't believe I had held all that in, never told him, and still done those things with him. H is a protector type personality. My omission robbed him of the opportunity to be himself. He never would have gone there if he had known.

It also gave us an opportunity to talk about those acts, the weight they carried in my healing, and GENTLY take some of them back as our own. It's been pretty incredible.

Had I been strong enough to disclose everything up front, then we would have both been able to approach things differently. We could have still gone there, but from a healthier starting point.

Editing to add:

On the flipside, why would a healthy/healed person ever choose to marry someone who would choose not to accept them because of their past? It's like saying you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who finds you unacceptable.

[This message edited by Lostgirl410 at 11:14 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

TBH, I'm a little offended by this thread. No, I am 1000% not advocating lying, but I also don't see how participating in a gangbang or getting DPed while you're single/in a non-monogamous relationship changes who you are as a person, and while it's completely your right to walk away from someone based on those previous sexual actions, maybe some people wouldn't be scared to tell the truth if slut-shaming wasn't going to be an issue.

Cheating shows a lack of boundaries, and a causal attitude about sex. So does banging multiple guys at once, or multiple casual sex hookups.

I have a casual attitude about sex. I have never cheated. My WH was always the monogamous one, and has had far fewer sexual partner than I have. Guess which one of us cheated?

I have a casual attitude about sex when single, and would never cheat.

Same.

I've never lied or hidden things that I've done sexually. WH and I started off as FWB. He caught feelings first, and relentlessly pursued me. I was on the fence about committing to a monogamous relationship, and he knew I was seeing other people. But, I eventually fell for him, was all in since.

Prior to WH I have had sex with 10 partners, both men and women, threesomes and more, eiffel towers, sex with more than one person in the same day... Always consenual, always as safe as possible. I have never denied my WH sex acts thar I enjoyed and did with someone else. There were also things I did with him that I had never done with anyone else before.

What I have never done is have unprotected sex with a coworker in a hotel room 15 minutes away from home, while my spouse was at home, alone with two little kids, and claim to be "working late," because we needed the OT money, since only one of us was working at the moment...

Oh, and being eiffel towered by two dudes when I was younger and single because sex is fun and having sex with multiple people is enjoyable, (which WH was aware had happened, and won't be happening again because the only dude I'm having sex with while married is my husband), has in no way, shape or form prevented me from being my beautiful, honest, kind, empathetic, silly self, volunteering on the PTA, donating time and money to worthy causes, or making sure our kids, home and WH are all well-taken care of, while I simultaneously worked a job and made sure my family's needs (for better or for worse) came first.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 11:05 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

For me...if my wife told me she'd been gangbanged or Eiffel towered in the past....dealbreaker. I'd have stopped seeing her immediately.

How would that be wrong? Maybe I should just stay with her and resent her?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 11:15 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

Golden, I don’t think you’re wrong to feel that way. I’m sure I have dealbreakers others would not agree with (very strong aversions to bondage, as an example). However if those are dealbreakers for you, you should ask those questions and expect honest answers. If you’re lied too and find out later about the lie then absolutely, be pissed. If you never asked or never identified that as a dealbreaker, and she didn’t offer it up, is she at fault for that? Communication goes both ways.

Also I had never heard of being Eiffel towered. I learned something new today. Lol

[This message edited by landclark at 11:24 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

I hate the double standard here, a woman having sex with several men is a slut, it's a gang bang and all kinds of derogatory terms. Let's be honest if it was a man having sex with several women he would be seen as some kind of stud and the women would still be slut shamed for taking part in group sex.

Yes, it's definitely a double standard, but, it's also a double standard that kind of makes sense. Think about the difficulty for a man seducing/talking 2 women into having sex with him at the same time. Let me tell you, it's not easy. Seducing one woman is hard enough, 2, at once, and then convincing them to join one another in the bedroom? That's a "master class" on female seduction. It shows very high value for the man (this guy is good enough that I'll share him with another woman), shows high skill with women, etc.

Now, flip it around, a woman having sex with 2 men at once... What "value" does that show? Any woman anywhere can have that experience, just ask 2 guys at a bar. There's no "value" imparted there because it's not hard to get as a woman. Yes, there's a double standard, no doubt. But it's not without basis. Hate it (so do I), but until the social situation changes and men are the ones being pursued for sex relentlessly, the situation will not change.

How would that be wrong? Maybe I should just stay with her and resent her?

Well, I think you'll get different answers on this, but, no, I don't think your wrong at all. Believe it or not, we're allowed to have preferences/desires/likes of our own. I'd say the same about other preferences. I feel like I should be apologizing all the time for this, but I don't find overweight women attractive. Sorry, but I don't. Does that mean I should just "get over it" and pretend? Does it mean I'm "fat shaming" women? Or is it just my preference and that's OK? In a lot of ways, it feels like "no, you're not, your preferences aren't socially acceptable". Well, socially acceptable or not, they are what they are, and I'm not going to apologize for them. Sure, tell me I'm a horrible person for liking thin women and anal sex. So be it. Not going to stop me from liking/desiring those things (and also not going to change my dating behavior if I were to D, guess what? Thin women and wild/kinky sex would be top of the list).

Also I had never heard of being Eiffel towered. I learned something new today. Lol

Neither had I.

Also I had never heard of being Eiffel towered. I learned something new today.

Same.

Exactly! I really enjoyed using cocaine when I was younger. I don't use it anymore. I don't have any desire to. I don't think I would enjoy it now. My life is different. If my fch asked me to use cocaine with him now, am I obligated because I have used it in my past?

Comparing illicit hard drugs to sex acts. Classy. It's a bad comparison and a very faulty one.

Here's the thing though. You are absolutely allowed to not want to do these things anymore. However, any prospective partner is also allowed and completely within their right to expect honesty and tell you to go take a hike in turn.

The issue here stems from people thinking it's fine to lie by omission, for demanding they not be judged based on their past actions and behaviour. The feeling that they're entitled to a partner and said partner doesn't get to make decisions for themselves whether they want to date them with all the facts.

Why are people so concerned with the sex lives of consenting adults? What I do behind clothes doors with another consenting adult is no one else's business.

Totally! Up until you want to marry that person, have a long term relationship, or even possibly children. Then it very much becomes their business. Same as debt, criminal record, addictions, etc.

I hate the double standard here, a woman having sex with several men is a slut, it's a gang bang and all kinds of derogatory terms. Let's be honest if it was a man having sex with several women he would be seen as some kind of stud and the women would still be slut shamed for taking part in group sex.

If a woman does not want to date a guy who had sex with several women at once, engaged in various other things, etc. I'm completely in support of her right to do so. She gets to make that choice, the same as the guy gets to make it for himself.

The reason people tend to judge both differently is because of the difficulty involved. It's fairly hard for a guy to get into such a situation, while it's incredibly easy for a woman to do so. Women are and have always been the sexual gatekeepers. Male sexuality from a societal standpoint has about zero value whatsoever.

TBH, I'm a little offended by this thread. No, I am 1000% not advocating lying, but I also don't see how participating in a gangbang or getting DPed while you're single/in a non-monogamous relationship changes who you are as a person, and while it's completely your right to walk away from someone based on those previous sexual actions, maybe some people wouldn't be scared to tell the truth if slut-shaming wasn't going to be an issue.

What this is saying is that if there were no consequences for such actions people would be more honest. Guess what? The same applies to pretty much everything else. If there were no consequences for running up debt, people wouldn't be so reluctant to disclose it. Stop debt shaming!

Nobody is trying to stop you from having the entire college football team over several times a week. That's your decision. However, a guy not wanting to marry you or get into a relationship with you isn't slut-shaming. It's his right to choice on who he wants to date and whom he doesn't. And sexual history, as well as views on sexuality, very much play a role on this, FOR BOTH GENDERS. If that wasn't the case, people wouldn't be faux outraged over "being shamed".

[This message edited by Marauder at 11:48 AM, November 28th (Thursday)]

This is really easy:

Partner 1: I want to know this. It is important to me.

Partner 2: no piss off

Partner 1: this is a boundary for me. I want to know. It is relevant for me to decide if you are a suitable partner for me.

Partner 2: you’re slut shaming me you misogynist pig.

Partner 1: if it’s a deal breaker for you, it’s a deal breaker for me. have a good life

See? Both people get what they want and no one has to do anything they don’t want to do. Easy.

I haven't read all of the responses.

I think it's ok to ask. For wh and unknowing I was his first and he was not mine kinda set things up to fail. Him feeling perhaps that I got more experience etc.

That's all mute now however after his multiple affairs. Of course that said he still insists certain acts werent done with his APs and it's something we are slowly working towards as a couple. Some of these things I have done with a previous partner (I was engaged before and in a LTR with intent on marriage so yes we engaged in alot).

Some I enjoyed. Others I did not. And I haven't pushed wh to try things he seemed uncomfortable with and I had already explained I didn't enjoy things. But as of late we both seem to be interested in trying things together and I'm ok with that. As long as he doesnt push the issue if I still am not impressed with things.

The problem.isnt the sex acts in the scenario the OP is explaining. It's the lying. Dont lie.

I didn’t get past ibonnie’s question on the first page of why are those acts bad? I want to know too. If everything is consensual and being enjoyed by all parties, then game on!

I didn’t get past ibonnie’s question on the first page of why are those acts bad? I want to know too. If everything is consensual and being enjoyed by all parties, then game on!

Thank you DF!!

My personal take on her question:

You're lumping quite a few things together here. First of all, why if it's not bad is there a need to not be upfront and honest about it and instead to try and hide it?

Secondly, anal, oral, etc are very far removed from threesomes/orgies. The former usually only become a problem when a man/woman was willing to engage in all these things, put in all this effort, be spontaneous, kinky, etc with all kind of strangers and former partners yet thinks their husband/wife should settle for boring once a month pity sex.

The second one is about values and preferences. You absolutely have the right to engage in these things if you find willing participants. You, however, do not have the right to demand people for whom this is a no go accept you regardless.

This is a tough one. On a personal level I don’t feel like it’s any of business, and I never cared to know. But I can understand and respect how others may feel and can legitimately affect their decision as a long-term partner. I like Thumos’s approach.

I think it is irrational to insist that whatever a potential partner needs to know to feel safe is off limits because you decided it was. If that’s the case, do the other partner a favor and each go your own way. All of the slut shaming talk here completely elides the fact that if a potential male partner had a background as an S&M master with his own “red room” it would certainly be relevant information that any woman would want to know. It wouldn’t be slut shaming a man for a woman to want to know this. And it would be depriving her of agency to withhold this information, so get real.

My WH never asked specific questions about my sexual history and I didn’t ask about his. It wasn’t a first marriage for either of us. And if us continuing a relationship hinged on me giving him that information, I would have been fine with walking away.

I think it is irrational to insist that whatever a potential partner needs to know to feel safe is off limits because you decided it was. If that’s the case, do the other partner a favor and each go your own way. All of the slut shaming talk here completely elides the fact that if a potential male partner had a background as an S&M master with his own “red room” it would certainly be relevant information that any woman would want to know. It wouldn’t be slut shaming a man for a woman to want to know this. And it would be depriving her of agency to withhold this information, so get real.

^^^^Amen!

The hypocrisy and projection in this thread is ridiculous.

[This message edited by Loukas at 12:23 PM, November 28th (Thursday)]

I think it is irrational to insist that whatever a potential partner needs to know to feel safe is off limits because you decided it was. If that’s the case, do the other partner a favor and each go your own way. All of the slut shaming talk here completely elides the fact that if a potential male partner had a background as an S&M master with his own “red room” it would certainly be relevant information that any woman would want to know. It wouldn’t be slut shaming a man for a woman to want to know this. And it would be depriving her of agency to withhold this information, so get real.

This was awesome!