SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

That’s your choice. Just don’t pretend that you’re not slut shaming.

Seriously? What a bunch of horseshit. Happy thanksgiving

Why is it horseshit? Serious question.

Someone has many sexual partners, guy think she's a whore/slut/promiscuous and doesn't want to date her. It must be because he thinks that's somehow bad right? It's passing judgement and de-valuing women.

This is a huge social issue. There's a movement to stop abstinence only sex-ed in schools. Referring to a woman who have had more than one sexual partner as an old shoe or a chewed-up piece of gum can be seriously harmful. It's far too mainstream.

I think it's great that people are starting to open discussion and challenge past beliefs.

Think about that for a moment before having a knee jerk reaction. You are literally making a character judgment about someone because they tried (maybe not even liked!) a sexual act when they were single and engaging with other consenting adults.

There's a woman in my town, she's had quite a few partners. The amount isn't completely important to me. What's more important is that her behaviour cries of attention seeking. Knowing her FOO, there's a very good chance that her sexual behaviour is connected to her upbringing. Ever since my divorce, she has pursued me many times, I have never taken her up on her offer. For a few reasons. First, I truly do believe she'd be better off sitting with an IC and finding self worth rather than pursuing various men week after week. Secondly, her sexual past is an indicator of her character. Now, my perception of her character could be completely wrong, but since I value marriage and monogamy more than a one night stand, I'm not willing to bet another divorce on what I to believe to be a flaw in her character.

As an aside, if I took advantage of her to drop a load, what would you think of me? Have I slut shamed her or have I been mindful of her well-being?

Now of course this woman promiscuity isn't a representation of all women's sexual behaviour, but it is an example of sexual behaviour being a sign of character.

Next, I hold myself to a certain standard. I'm mindful of my own sexual behaviour and seek out a potential partner with the same values. This isn't a case of do as I say not as I do. I actually live it myself. I have been rejected by potential partners for my views, I've also rejected some for theirs. No harm, no foul. We just see things differently. Please explain to me what is wrong with that. So in my case, if I were to meet you, I'd pass. Not because I'm convinced there's something wrong with you, just that I chose to believe I'll build a more intimate connection with someone who has similar preferences as my own. If you internalize that as shame, who's to blame here. I haven't told you what you can or cannot do, I simply choose not to participate. Aren't you all about boundaries?

Is my husband's sexual history any of my business?

Well, he's a recovering sex addict, so yes.

In fact he "forgot" to make it my business, a few times, actually.

I will never forgive my husband for taking away my ability to make fully informed decisions about my life.

My husband is not god. He should not play one on tv. He should not play god with my life.

I also think it's great if others don't care how many partners their SOs have been with. That's your life. You live it how you want.

The number of partners matter to me. As well as proof surfacing.

The internet/digital media never forgets, even if we do...

Do we open this up to trans people? I'm rather afraid of how many people here would say that they think it's just fine not to date a postop trans person?

Is this sarcasm? I really hope so. Otherwise now it's "shaming" to not want to date/marry someone that is biologically the same sex as me and even more importantly, cannot have kids? I'd be an asshole bc I didn't want to marry a post op trans and adopt?

If it's not sarcasm, it's ridiculous.

Is this sarcasm? I really hope so. Otherwise now it's "shaming" to not want to date/marry someone that is biologically the same sex as me and even more importantly, cannot have kids? I'd be an asshole bc I didn't want to marry a post op trans and adopt?

If it's not sarcasm, it's ridiculous.

Sadly, I don't believe it is sarcasm, GoldenR. It's one of the newer shaming attacks used by the anti shaming folks...How dare you!

Lets put this a slightly different way. Exactly how the hell am I supposed to satisfy a woman who can handle 5 guys at a time! I mean really, if I have ANY lack of confidence I would then live in fear of not measuring up in the sex dept. Especially if the aforementioned sex was of a much wider menu then I am offered??

I would also have severe problems being offered a smaller menu than others. Either of those 2 options means that I simply don't rate so as the saying goes "Next"!

JMO YMMV

Someone has many sexual partners, guy think she's a whore/slut/promiscuous and doesn't want to date her. It must be because he thinks that's somehow bad right? It's passing judgement and de-valuing women.

This is a huge social issue. There's a movement to stop abstinence only sex-ed in schools. Referring to a woman who have had more than one sexual partner as an old shoe or a chewed-up piece of gum can be seriously harmful.

Agreed 100%. I've been married nearly 25 years, with 2 great kids. My wife had a sex number, when we met, that would probably be considered high by many. To me, what was important was that she was honest, ethical, and a good communicator. She was (and is) very attractive physically. Thus, naturally, she attracted a lot of men. She was relatively quick to recognize bullshit and not afraid to dump a man over it. Hence her high number.

I'm way more comfortable with her than I would be with a woman who only had a handful of partners but the relationships were highly dysfunctional and dishonest.

Lets put this a slightly different way. Exactly how the hell am I supposed to satisfy a woman who can handle 5 guys at a time! I mean really, if I have ANY lack of confidence I would then live in fear of not measuring up in the sex dept. Especially if the aforementioned sex was of a much wider menu then I am offered??

I personally view that sentiment as complete bullshit, but here is your answer: ask her if she is satisfied with what you're dishing up, or, in the alternative, pay attention to her response to you and watch to see if she's satisfied with what you're dishing up. If she is, then accept that. If you feel paranoid about the issue, then be honest and break up with her.

I mentioned on the first page that my WH and I do not know how many people the other has slept with. Based on our conversations over the years - I’m 99% sure that I’ve slept with over twice as many as he has. Here’s the thing - he is the last I person I have slept with since I was 22. My WH slept with someone else at 35. He cheated - not me. Mr. Monogamy, Mr. Perfect, Mr. Wholesome - he was the cheater. Not the one with the high number and the wild experiences. I feel bad for some of you who judge women who act out clearly because of FOO issues and then grow up and get help and become amazing people that you will never even give a chance to. It’s your loss.

I don’t know my actual number because a jealous ex boyfriend of mine found a list I had and made me throw it away. None of them were while I was with him - it was from high school. He couldn’t handle it as a 25 year old man. He is actually the last person I slept with before my WH. I learned that my sexual past is my business from him - if anyone insists on needing to know it, they can go find someone else to be with. It is nothing I am proud of, but there is absolutely nothing I can do about now.

Are you telling me that anytime any female participates in a gang bang it's bc of FOO issues?

Did the guy press charges against the boss for distributing revenge porn and violating privacy? Is he still working there? How did the boss justify his actions? What does HR think of this action?

What the boss did was not only tasteless, but illegal.

As for the central issue, was it his business? I think, inasmuch as someone with that kind of sexual taste and background was not what this man desired for a partner, yes, it was his business. Having a sexual history discussion is critical for any relationship. If she lied about her past, she should not be surprised he is feeling revulsion.

I think it’s easy to throw out the term slut shaming these days... it’s one of those public buzzphrases that causes anger and division. In this case, I think the dishonesty she displayed about her past is worse than having a past. Watching guys gangbang his wife isn’t that guys thing. He’s up front about it. She swore up and down that wasn’t her thing, either. She lied about it, and there you go... we don’t know if the guy disapproves of everyone engaging in gangbangs.. he just knows what he would like in a marriage and the video indicates she really isn’t in sync with her partner. She can gangbang away if she wants to, no harm, no foul, but if he doesn’t want to be married to that kind of person, that’s his business and his preferences.

@PSTI

Marauder, there is a huge difference between something someone is currently doing, and something someone has done and no longer does. I think you're missing that distinction.

Yes, I think judging someone for something they have done in the past and no longer do makes someone a judgemental person and quite possibly an intolerant one.

Disagreed, completely. First of all, where would you even start "the past", and "not currently doing". Sure I used to be a scammer and marriage swindler, but I haven't roped a woman into this for two weeks. How dare you tell people and judge me for this!

Also which things are permanent and which are just "in the past". Where would you draw the line and why? Cheating? Domestic Violence? Worse? This entire argument can be used by pretty much anyone to try and wriggle out of being judged for their behaviour in any situation whatsoever. The rest is just you throwing buzzwords at me to see if something sticks. Pretending that past behaviour isn't the best indicator of future behaviour and as if actions don't speak louder than words.

I'm a big believer in differences making people incompatible without any labeling of right or wrong, but I think that in this case, there is most definitely a wrong.

Why? Because it would affect you and have consequences for you personally?

@GoldenR

So it's wrong for me to want to be with someone that places the same values on sex that I do?

It is if it somehow impacts some people here. How dare you base your opinions and views based upon their demonstrated behaviours and patterns. How intolerant. Funnily enough, the same argument could be made for cheaters, scammers, everyone else. Common sense is intolerant now if it affects them negatively.

I used to think slut shaming was horrible. Now you guys are convincing me that not all of it is.

This thread is quickly convincing me that it's a hollow buzzword they're using to shame people for making informed choices based on their past and current behaviour to try and wriggle out of it. Thus being able to have their cake and eat it too. The entitlement, shaming of anyone who doesn't fall in line, and judgemental behaviour towards those people also reeks of projection.

Do we open this up to trans people? I'm rather afraid of how many people here would say that they think it's just fine not to date a postop trans person.

It's fine not to date a person for ANY arbitrary reason one can come up with. Being trans is a pretty good reason not to want to date someone.

Yet *another* of these type threads! Happy Thanksgiving I guess?

Yet *another* of these type threads!

Not at all what I had envisioned when I started it.

I expected "Yes, here's why" or "No, here's why not" answers.

I did not expect to be told if I'm not open to marry and have kids with any female for any reason that I'd be (fill in the blank)-shaming her.

Is your SO’s sexual history any of your business? Well, if this is important information for you entering a serious relationship you should ask. But you don’t have a right to know. And if you don’t get a response, you get to decide if that ends the relationship. The case in point, the problem was she brought up the question and then lied. For me, the lying would be the issue not the fact of the particular sexual activity.

We all have different views on this I think. My future W had a lot more sexual experiences than I did prior to our M. But I didn’t give a rat’s ass what those experiences were. There are obvious health issues that potential partners need to be aware of. But she was single and a consenting adult and free to do whatever she wanted within the bounds of the law. As was I. I couldn’t care less what she did and with who. Didn’t care then and still don’t. There was more important information about her and more important facets of our relationship to me than her sexual history. I think it is important for two people to be as sexually compatible as possible in a Ltr. But I judge that compatibility on how my partner and I interact, not on what she did with someone else in the past.

There's a woman in my town, she's had quite a few partners. The amount isn't completely important to me. What's more important is that her behaviour cries of attention seeking. Knowing her FOO, there's a very good chance that her sexual behaviour is connected to her upbringing. Ever since my divorce, she has pursued me many times, I have never taken her up on her offer. For a few reasons.

To me that's not really the same thing, this woman is currently showing unsafe practices. I thought this discussion was about discovering people or let's be honest here, women who did stuff like this in past but then got their life together. I guess if they stay in the same area they're never going going to be able to escape their past no matter how much work they do.

For what it's worth I don't think I could be with a man who had group sex adventures etc, I would be fighting the feelings of inadequacies, of wondering when he would want the next big thrill, that may say more about me, i don't know. It would take someone special a lot of time and effort to change my mind and I probably wouldn't bother if I found out at the beginning.

Like I said earlier it's the hypocrisy and double standard when it comes to judging men and women in these situations that truly annoys me.

Like I said earlier it's the hypocrisy and double standard when it comes to judging men and women in these situations that truly annoys me.

The only hypocrisy and double standard I’ve seen in this thread is from a minority few trying to act as though female sexuality should be consequence free. That is completely despite men being held in the same standard...but hey, girl power and all.....

Like I said earlier it's the hypocrisy and double standard when it comes to judging men and women in these situations that truly annoys me.

Well, I think we're annoyed by the same thing, but in different areas. I'm annoyed at the (new to me) sentiment that having a preference (no, I don't want to date a trans individual) is somehow shaming trans people. I personally think that's ridiculous, I don't want to date gay men either, so I suppose I'm shaming them for being gay too? I just find that to be a ridiculous position and frankly, filled with hypocrisy. I suspect that same poster would feel entirely justified in "nexting" a man who she found out was a convicted felon; not because he is a bad person, but because they just don't want to date a felon. I might even think that's silly, but I fully support their right to choose a partner on ANY criteria they want. Don't want to date black men, or nerds with glasses, or bald men? Fine, fine and fine.

And, as I've said several times, the double standard you're seeing, yes, it's certainly there. But it's there for a reason! It's not there because "society hates women", it's there because having a threesome says 2 totally different for men and women. A man who has a threesome with 2 women is demonstrating value, he's so "hot" that he can get women to agree to share him. It's only the highest of high value men who can have that experience; it's extremely difficult to get (especially, as we're discussing in this thread, when younger) and highly desired by, at least in my circles, nearly every man I knew. Couple difficulty in obtaining with a highly desired item, and you have something that's "high value".

Now, look at it from the other perspective, do most women want to have gangbangs with a few guys? IDK, but I've never heard a woman ask/suggest/want something like that in bed. Maybe a lot do, let's just say "yes" for the sake of discussion (although, honestly, I don't think that's the answer). But what about difficulty? Is it hard for a typical woman to find a few guys to have sex with her? Well, simply put, no, it's not. My wife could have 2+ guys here before the sun came up with a few pictures on any dating site and "NSA, but only if you bring a friend". No difficulty at all in obtaining it, and not as desired (IMHO) by most women. It no longer displays value because it's not "personally desired" and it's easy to get.

It's a double standard, yes, but it's a double standard rooted in biological and sexual reality. The best (non-sexual) example I can think of here is being overweight. 1000 years ago, being overweight was a sign of wealth/status. Because it was so difficult to get enough food (and leisure time), being overweight was a sign to the world that you are "high value". Now, of course, the situation has changed, food is so easily obtainable that the "value display" today is being thin, showing your value via self-control and eating healthy. A thin person 1000 years ago or a heavy person today could look at this and say "not fair". But, much like the example between men and women above, "not fair" doesn't matter. Reality is, being heavy today says something very different about you than it did 1000 years ago. In fact, today, it says the opposite thing, the wealthier you are, the more likely you are to be thin/in shape! Which, if you examine it, is exactly what we're discussing between men and women here, what for men is a mark of being "in shape" for women is the complete opposite.

But the overweight person is seen as less than by society is STILL A PERSON. What society values does not equal what is right. For fucks sake, what does society about infidelity we all know is flat wrong?!

Just because men have a harder time getting a gangbang than women does not mean women who do it are less valuable. To society, maybe, you may be right, but that lens is skewed. It’s wrong. Wrong is wrong is wrong, no matter what society says.

Sexual activity between consenting adults is fine, for men and women. Infidelity is NOT that, as one party is not consenting, but that isn't what we are discussing. If a partners past history makes you u comfortable but falls in the consenting adults, not in monogamous marriages...the issue is you. Especially if the above only applies to women.

But the overweight person is seen as less than by society is STILL A PERSON. What society values does not equal what is right. For fucks sake, what does society about infidelity we all know is flat wrong?!

Just because men have a harder time getting a gangbang than women does not mean women who do it are less valuable. To society, maybe, you may be right, but that lens is skewed. It’s wrong. Wrong is wrong is wrong, no matter what society says.

Sexual activity between consenting adults is fine, for men and women. Infidelity is NOT that, as one party is not consenting, but that isn't what we are discussing. If a partners past history makes you u comfortable but falls in the consenting adults, not in monogamous marriages...the issue is you. Especially if the above only applies to women.

The only hypocrisy and double standard I’ve seen in this thread is from a minority few trying to act as though female sexuality should be consequence free. That is completely despite men being held in the same standard...but hey, girl power and all.....

Maybe that's the problem with me... As long as everyone in the situation is a willing, enthusiastic, consenting adult, that's honest about their situation (meaning NO CHEATING, but ethical non-monogamy is fine), I don't think there should be any "consequences" for having sex. A consequence, IMO, would be if you didn't practice safe sex and caught and STD and/or got pregnant. Any other "consequences" are judgments.