20yrsagoBS posted 10/25/2020 18:43 PM

Ok, so who not pursue them only in the presence of your spouse?

If they’re harmless, it shouldn’t be a problem, right?

OwningItNow posted 10/25/2020 19:01 PM

1. The WS knows they are less likely to get the validation kibbles with a spouse standing next to them. A lot of potential AP won't play along.

2. The WS fully knows the attention seeking is not harmless, no matter the lies they tell the BS to the contrary.

3. It's only fun for the WS if he/she can pretend to be single.

4. Some WS types DO continually try for ego kibbles, even in front of their spouse. Yuck. Maybe the most abusive of all waywards.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 7:02 PM, October 25th (Sunday)]

Unhinged posted 10/25/2020 19:38 PM

I like ego kibbles.
I don't need them.
Big difference, I think.

landclark posted 10/25/2020 20:10 PM

It’s only harmless if the person needs or seeks them vs. getting them unsolicited. My WH needed the ego kibbles because he lacked self esteem. He continuously sought them out. It’s better now, but I still think it’s a concern. So I wouldn’t see actively seeking them as harmless, even if it’s in front of me.

I don’t need them. If I get them, I appreciate it (as long as it’s respectful), and it ends there. That to me is harmless.

***oops. Meant to say it’s NOT harmless if the person needs or seeks them. Sorry about that!

[This message edited by landclark at 6:11 AM, October 26th (Monday)]

jb3199 posted 10/25/2020 21:02 PM

It’s only harmless if the person needs or seeks them vs. getting them unsolicited.

Agreed.

OwningItNow posted 10/25/2020 22:45 PM

I mean, we're talking flirting, right? Is there any other kind of kibble seeking (intentional only) other than that? Maybe there is another type or label that I can't think of right now.

Flirting to get kibbles can be:

Very smiley
Very complimentary
Asking lots of questions
Staring
Teasing
An abundance of laughter
Overly attentive to someone

I think we all agree that unsolicited kibbles required none of this, and any partner that does this stuff in front of their spouse is...idk, a little (or a lot) cruel. Doing this stuff when your spouse is not around? It raises massive red flags for me, always has.

I know some BS have put up with stuff like this for a long time and I just don't know how. To do this stuff is to want to impress someone else, and that's just not cool. I could not watch that. The fact that a spouse instigates this behavior is cause for worry. And that's why some hide it!

But to get this stuff unsolicited is a compliment. To do it? A red flag.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:49 PM, October 25th (Sunday)]

99problems posted 10/26/2020 02:54 AM

I am mostly divorced at this point, and I still can't manage to flirt with women.
Ego kibbles must not be my taste.
I do like Philly cheese steak sandwiches though. Those suckers are delicious.

siracha posted 10/26/2020 09:40 AM

I think some people are hopeless validation seekers ... but they dont all cheat or disparage their partners . .

EllieKMAS posted 10/26/2020 09:54 AM

Hmm... I mean... who doesn't like being complimented or noticed or flirted with? I don't think there's anything immediately wrong with liking that sort of attention.

The wrong comes in when you are married/committed and you pursue those things from others outside of your primary relationship. I just think that generally speaking, waywards have a void somewhere in themselves that requires that sort of constant attention. They generally are the type of people that seek validation from external sources and not from within.

I am hitting a point of meh that I really don't care much anymore why the xdouche did what he did. He traded his honor and integrity for some ridiculous & pathetic ego-stroking from a fucked up teenager with daddy issues - not a good exchange if you ask me. More often than not these days I am just so happy that I am no longer tied to his bullshit and fuckupedness.

hikingout posted 10/26/2020 09:54 AM

We talk about ego kibbles like they are the full precipitating factor of an affair. They are a factor but I think it goes way deeper than that.

I doubt if the WS is accountable they are still claiming they are harmless kibbles.

To me, an affair was more about self-adulation and pretending to be someone I wasn't. Any of the kibbles I received were for this false persona I was projecting. Those kibbles were like little reinforcements of that lie being true. It's very pathetic, I know.

I don't think it's always that way for every WS, but the need for kibbles for whatever reason is a symptom of a bigger problem. And, that problem is more complex to address because it's a big statement of who we are. We know it's wrong, and on some level we also know it's pathetic.

sisoon posted 10/26/2020 11:09 AM

WRT receiving, I agree that liking is different from needing. Receiving a compliment can be nice - and harmless.

WRT giving, an honest compliment is a nice way to connect - assuming the giver says 'No, thank you' if the compliment is misinterpreted.

JMO.

Tanner posted 10/26/2020 12:13 PM

After losing 50lbs and getting in great shape, I find that when someone I haven’t seen in a while says “you look great!!” I like it, because my W tells me all the time, but she lied to me for so long, I like hearing from others because they are more believable.

Chaos posted 10/26/2020 12:19 PM

I love receiving compliments.

I don't need the validation to be my usually fabulous self.

I give them freely and sincerely yet always appropriately.

PSTI posted 10/26/2020 13:28 PM

You need to put a more specific definition on "ego kibbles", because frankly everyone seeks them out. It's a very rare human being who doesn't want the approval and accolades of others.

It's not the ego kibbles that are toxic- it's needing them to the extent that you compromise what is important to yourself, or that you cause harm to others.

It's one of the things that is important to clarify with big black and white statements. Life isn't black and white. Actions by one person could be problematic, while the identical action by a different person would not be.

Realistically, it's about boundaries, not specific actions.

Darkness Falls posted 10/26/2020 18:18 PM

As usual, I agree with PTSI. It’s not the kibbles that are the problem, it’s what one does with them internally (when receiving them) or one’s intentions when giving them (i.e. are they “fishing” for more than just a brief harmless interaction?).

This0is0Fine posted 10/26/2020 18:49 PM

Your spouse *should* be giving you ego kibbles too.

While I'm not blame shifting or anything here, it's unfair to say that not getting validation from your partner isn't a problem. The way to resolve that problem isn't to get them elsewhere. It's to communicate that you feel unappreciated.