"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Mickie500 posted 10/22/2020 14:34 PM

I want to put my husband’s nose in the BS he risked us for but a part of me feels it’s a dangerous game——-
He made AP into this thing in his head and each time I get a chance to I reveal to him how dumb he was.

1. He thought she was a real redhead. I saw about 20 pictures of her from various stages of life as a child and her hair was with dishwater blonde or 15 different versions of red. Box Dye! Idiot

He told me about how he would just say regular stuff or give regular advise and it was like she was amazed. I accidentally saw a John Gray Women are from Venus advise video where he tells women what to say.....and sure enough the exact words he told me she said to him are what John Gray advised.!!!

I want so badly to share it with him....to say you fell for it hook line and sinker—-nothing you said to her was real and nothing she said to you was real FAKE FAKE FAKE—— you weren’t brilliant or a KISA... she was playing you.

I know I’m wrong for it but my EGo wants to destroy any shred of fake memories he has.

Anyone else go through this stage?

Underserving posted 10/22/2020 14:57 PM

I throw it in my WHs face all the time what a piece of trash the OW is/was. She’s not very bright, a druggie, gross, and overall extremely trashy. I know he’d be embarrassed if people knew about her and all the disgusting stuff she says and does on her public social media.

I’m not going to be any help on if that’s the right thing to do or not lol but I definitely understand it.

crazyblindsided posted 10/22/2020 15:22 PM

I'm not in R but yes I did insult the MOW to point out how he had affaired down and he would get really angry. One time he hit me in the face for it. I should have left after that, stupid me.

Mickie500 posted 10/22/2020 17:37 PM

He hit you for speaking bad of her? Was he still seeing her or was his ego just that fragile?

landclark posted 10/22/2020 17:48 PM

I don’t do it as much anymore, but when I found out his first EA online AP was very overweight and that’s why she didn’t share pictures of herself, I didn’t hold back in rubbing it in his face. The last one had crazy hair, styled differently all the time, from short to long. He loved that. Yeah, it was fake, you idiot. Easy to have great hair all the time when it’s a wig.

crazyblindsided posted 10/22/2020 17:53 PM

He hit you for speaking bad of her? Was he still seeing her or was his ego just that fragile?

Yep he sure did and yes he was still seeing her even though I did not know that at the time.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 10/22/2020 17:56 PM

I know I’m wrong for it but my EGo wants to destroy any shred of fake memories he has.

I don't see ANYTHING wrong with this at all. I may be biased though because that is exactly what I did . The thing is...the TRUTH is on our side Dear Lady. ALL A's are FAKE!

Have you ever watched the movie "She-Devil" with Roseanne Barr and Meryl Streep? On Dday I took mental notes...sort of like how Roseanne Barr remembered the things that mattered most to her husband. My H was saying how NICE the adultery co-conspirator was...how he could kiss her for HOURS...and the kicker...how she was JUST LIKE ME .

I let my H talk about his A and how things went. I kept a mental image of Jack Webb from "Dragnet" in my head..."just the facts". They were my H's "facts" though. Then I started to ask him questions...guide him to certain places...and let him see for HIMSELF how FAKE it all was .

Most of the WS's who have talked about how HOT and INTENSE their A is/was...just don't see the TRUTH. These WS's for the most part haven't come clean with their BS...they are still romanticizing their A. There is NOTHING romantic about an A...it is a SELFISH relationship where both people USE each other. I have seen it often with new Waywards who come in thinking that THEIR A was "different" . Then the veteran Waywards start talking about their A's...and the newbies soon realize there was NOTHING unique or different about it.

The same can be said for your husband . I looked at it as HELPING my H see the TRUTH . OK...it may have been more about bursting his romanticizing bubble !!! But the sooner your husband sees just how much he DID fall for it hook...line...and sinker...the sooner your husband will start living a more authentic life .

Justsomeguy posted 10/22/2020 18:28 PM

Okay. Not in R, but after Dd#2 when I got the full? story, I rather enjoyed pointing out to my WW just how utterly stupid she was and how she gave away the farm for free. I asked her if her cowboy AP bought her any presents? Nope. Did he take you out for dinners? Nope. Did he take you to fancy hotels for your rendezvous? Nope. Cheap hotels? Cheap motels then? Nope. Did he buy you Timmies at least? Nope, nope and nope.

So let me get this straight, all he did was ring you up and you would service him? And there was literally nothing he had to do for you but convince you your bloom hadn't really faded? You should have seen her face when I gave her a panoramic view of how she got played. I will take that to my grave as one of my best memories. Man, I loved even typing that out!

Unhinged posted 10/22/2020 22:12 PM

Anyone else go through this stage?

Oh yeah. I went through this "stage." I wanted to destroy any good feelings my FWW might have had about her little fling or the OM. I made it absolutely crystal fucking clear just what I thought of infidelity and I'm pretty sure I didn't pull any punches, so to speak.

Sometimes, I have to admit, it felt really good to just rub in her nose in it all. Sometimes I did it to just shut her up. Other times, because I wanted her to understand just what she'd done to herself.

...she was playing you.

I know a lot of betrayed spouses want to believe that the AP "played" or otherwise deceived their WS. Sometimes, it's really true. It's not exactly uncommon that a WS would claim to be single. Maybe he was played, as you say. Then again, you can't get played unless you're in the game, you know?

MrCleanSlate posted 10/22/2020 22:17 PM

Wayward here...

W2BHA is spot on. The delivery probably depends on whether R or D is being considered, or how much work the WS is doing.

I recall my BW pulling a lot of info out from me in many of our long conversations and then later circling back and pointing things out to me. An early point she made when she asked what the AP wore and more specially wanting to get a sense of what kind of bra/underwear, etc. I mentioned I was pretty sure she had some new Pink stuff. My BW seemed insulted that the best the AP would do is a cheap Pink set and I fell for that cheap stuff all the way through. That was the start of a lot of eye openers. It did help me to have that stuff pointed out.

Dragonfly123 posted 10/23/2020 00:28 AM

I have no idea why you would be holding this stuff back? Why do you feel it’s a dangerous game? If he’s remorseful, he’s a big boy and he can take it.

IMHO he needs to hear it. You need to unburden the stuff that is burdening you onto the man who has caused you all the hurt and pain. Tell him all of this. Show him those videos of that speaker. It’s not a game. This is your truth. How can we reconcile without speaking our truths?

Even during my WHs affair he found it impossible to say anything good about her because he was ashamed, ashamed but entirely ‘hooked’ (for want of a better word). Afterwards, I think my frank appraisal of her has been eye opening for him. It’s helped him see the affair for what it was and shut down the whole fantasy crap!

It’s not pleasant for them but they bloody well deserve to hear it loud and clear!

The1stWife posted 10/23/2020 04:11 AM

I didn’t disparage the OW as much as my CH.

When he’s begging to reconcile I would throw things back at him like “Why would you want to reconcile when you told me ILYBNILWY?”

Or why would you want to reconcile when you stated for the last 6 months you no longer want to be married?

Or why would you want to reconcile when you told me I didn’t support you or love you?

I got to watch him squirm and try to backtrack on all the crap he told me during his affair.

Mickie500 posted 10/23/2020 11:38 AM

So glad I’m not alone in this.

TX1995 posted 10/23/2020 11:57 AM

I did it quite a bit in the beginning. Or when in an angry phase. Like W2BHA I did it to burst the bubble.

For example: my WH though he was special and I had to remind him that the reason he kissed her the second time (2 months after she kissed him and he told her that it wasn't happening) was that she disappeared into a hotel with a client for 30 minutes while he was waiting in HER car that he was driving because they were all too drunk ($450 for dinner/drinks for 3 in a suburban area drunk) and she was stumbling around so drunk and literally could not drive. Because he was jealous that this woman who thought he was awesome was drunk in a hotel with a client at 11:00 pm. The *same* guy that she had told WH was forward with her and that she needed "help" around him (which was why his KISA kicked in and he went to the stupid dinner in the first place). My dumbass WH hadn't quite put it together that other co-workers had mentioned her very "comfortable" behavior with other clients/peers as well. Yet, my WH was "special" and "she'd never done this before".

She was also one of his "best friends" but he didn't know her middle name, her maiden name nor that she had been married before her current husband and has gotten every relevant job she'd ever had to that point by being hired by her current husband's ex-employees. That's basic shit *I* found out with the first Google search I did on her.

I liked pointing out her lies, her fake BS on social media and the fact that everything about her was fake (hair, nails, coloring, persona). She was/is a person that shows you whatever she thinks you want in order to get attention/approval. And she did the same thing to him. I mean, she wrote multiple press releases about him and didn't do it for the other executives. Not because he was special, but because she needed his favor to climb the corporate ladder since he had the ear of the CEO.

I also called her a lot of choice names (I still call her the whore instead of using her name) and he says it only hits him hard because he knows that every piece of shit I sling her way also describes who he was then too. I agree.

After a while though, if you actually want to reconcile, you have to switch on a little empathy. I don't rub his affair in his face anymore. I don't have to. He lives with what he did every day and I see how much that realization has changed him.

(Don't get me wrong, I still get angry, but I don't use that anger to try and shame him anymore.)

[This message edited by TX1995 at 12:04 PM, October 23rd (Friday)]

Chaos posted 10/23/2020 12:06 PM

I AP bashed regularly to WH in the beginning. For a variety of reasons. It made me feel better to spew my venom in her face. And I got a satisfaction of watching his sphincter shrink.

I cursed more than I did in both the military and Catholic school combined.

I still call her the Donut Whore [that's my fave - she once sent him a photo of a closeup of her boob with a convenience store donut on it]. That's what I was risked for. A Fucking Donut Whore.

But I digress. While it would seem it didn't accomplish much - it allowed me to purge my system. And got a great nickname for AP in the process. And probably have saved myself thousands of calories over the year because I haven't touched a donut since seeing that pic.

Mickie500 posted 10/23/2020 12:47 PM

I guess my favorite thing was that he said she was so impressed by him! Lol she thought the little things he would say were just amazing! The fact that the John Gray clip said verbatim all the things he told me she sad made my day!!
She didn’t think you were brilliant and she wasn’t amazed ——she was a desperate woman who used YouTube to win a sucker and she was winning every time you lied to your family to spend time with her. But maybe the blow jobs and rimjobs she have made it worth it.

Sadismynewname posted 10/23/2020 15:16 PM

My husband was so delusional he thought an ex-whore in a restaurant, in a red light district, in a tourist area with millions of people going through it daily, 28years old (he is73) was not interested in him for money. She averages 73 dollars a month in wages, has a fifth grade education, said right in her Facebook page she loves women. Had videos of her making out with women there too and he thought he was something special to her. I said yeah you are something special you were dumb enough to throw away a solid marriage of 36 years for that garbage. Our MC encouraged me to enlighten him on what he was really dealing with there.

[This message edited by Sadismynewname at 4:58 PM, October 23rd (Friday)]

wifehad5 posted 10/23/2020 16:40 PM

Just a reminder from the description of this forum:

There is to be no name calling in this forum. Venting is to be limited to you and/or your partner. Please post respectfully and constructively keeping in mind the goal for this forum is to reconcile.

Please post respectfully, or we'll be forced to move this thread.

Sadismynewname posted 10/23/2020 16:55 PM

Oops I did it again

[This message edited by Sadismynewname at 5:02 PM, October 23rd (Friday)]

ct528 posted 10/24/2020 21:41 PM

I definitely did this once I got the story out of him. He seemed to think he was the one playing her, until I spelled out all the ways that she had been playing him! He thought he was so smart and manipulative, and he was aghast to realize she had beaten him at his own game.