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Question for the veteran SI peeps

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WhoTheBleep posted 7/5/2019 19:31 PM

Do people in your lives (family, friends, significant others) know you post on SI? That you've been here for years, have thousands of posts, and stick around to help others?

I was thinking about this, today. I'm still navigating my divorce, and have issues with that, but I'm noticing more and more of my posts are geared toward helping, rather that seeking help. I don't plan on leaving anytime soon, even post D. Helping is also healing me...bonus!

Is SI your little secret? How do you keep a secret when you're posting several times a day? Or are you open about it? Do new SO's understand how it has helped?

In my case,I've referenced an infidelity site to a couple of friends, vaguely, but they have no idea how active I am or how much SI means to me. And I certainly haven't shared with new SO.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:31 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

Justsomeguy posted 7/5/2019 19:39 PM

I'm just over 2.5 years from DD#1 and 1.5 from #2. Given that, I have been seperated a year now and even though my life is still hell, I've reached a new stage. I guess I'm just a little farther up the trail than some, but I dont really feel like I have much to offer yet. But yes, I've noticed my podysxchznging. I'm now rooting for some posters and watching them evolve in their respective situations. I read mostly for encouragement and a sense of family if you get what I mean. I watch the membership number inch up and get a bit though.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 7/5/2019 20:12 PM

On DDay as I foolishly blurted out how I put the pieces together to catch him I mentioned that one of them came via an infidelity forum I had joined. I never said which one. I highly doubt he remembers that comment and it probably never really registered. The look on his face was just stunned disbelief that he was finally busted after years of gaslighting my suspicions.

I very briefly thought of showing him the site and let him read here but decided not to. First of all I doubt he would and secondly this is my place. My support. My relationships. My place to be with people who get it. He led a secret life outside of our marriage for years so screw him. This is my secret.

I do talk about it with my mom a bit but having no tech experience she doesn't understand what I'm on. She just knows it's been a source of help.

My BFF'S know. My closest has lurked here in order to gain an understanding about the depths of infidelity. She becomes overwhelmed by everyone's pain and will have to stop reading for a while.

My therapist knows and thinks it's wonderful. I have repeatedly mentioned SI by name. I hope she may reference it to her other patients. I've talked about how amazing the support is and that you do indeed form friendships.

At a bit over 3 1/2 years being a member of this club I still rely on it heavily whether posting, reading or replying. It's been Godsend.

homewrecked2011 posted 7/5/2019 20:21 PM

My IC recommended this site to me.

No one knows Iím on here.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:21 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/5/2019 20:25 PM

The only people who know I'm on here are my fch and the MOW. I didn't use a very cryptic username and she found me. I told my fch about it. I have only mentioned this site to one other person after learning that she was dealing with infidelity.

I come on here now mostly to help.

inconnu posted 7/5/2019 21:09 PM

Not a secret for me. My SO knows. My sister knows. Even though I don't think I've ever mentioned my user name to my (now-adult) kids, they've both seen me on SI enough to figure it out, if they were curious enough to. I have a bunch of facebook friends that I met through SI, so they know.

At work, I've talked about going to g2gs with my internet friends and I've mentioned that it was a site that helped me get through my divorce. I'm sure I've told at least a couple people the name of the site, but it would have been in private conversations, not group discussions.

Oh yeah, and the exH and wifetress stalked me here a long time ago, so they certainly know I post here. That's one of the reasons I figured there was no point in keeping it a secret.

totallydumb posted 7/5/2019 21:25 PM

I have given the web address for this site to many betrayed spouses. I have not disclosed my user name, although any that have a personal knowledge of my situation will easily deduct who I am.

I am also involved in 2 support groups IRL. I have talked about the support and wisdom that I have witnessed here at SI. At least 2 have joined, and I know of 2 more who are lurking, gaining knowledge and feeling the support that they see others getting.

I make no secret of SI. But I don't yell it out from the roof tops either. This place has been a god send to help me overcome a terrible life experience. I try and pass along the sense of a safe place to vent and get advice to others that I have encountered IRL who need support during their infidelity story. I hope it has helped some of them.

OrdinaryDude posted 7/5/2019 22:41 PM

My WW and kids know Iím here, or at least that I participate in a support forum, but they donít know the details and I prefer to keep it that way.

Iím not sure they approve or understand it completely, but I honestly donít care. I will do what I need for me, not for them.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 10:42 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 7/5/2019 23:06 PM

It's funny that this question came up today. For months, my BH has said that it helps him when I post. Seeing me respond to new waywards made him feel that I was doing my work and helping spare another BS some of the pain that he went through when I was in the fog and trickle truthing. However, today he said that he feels like reading on SI has shifted to triggering him. Reading about others' pain is constantly rebooting his own, and he has decided that at this stage, it's doing him more harm than good. I want him to feel comfortable reading anything I post on social media or forums as part of ongoing transparency. We agreed that we would both take a break, so this will be my last post for a while.

Marie2792 posted 7/6/2019 03:00 AM

My sister who is a WS, knows Iím knbhere but doesnít know my username. She hasnít been back for awhile so Iím not too worried about her finding out.

The1stWife posted 7/6/2019 04:28 AM

Only my H knows I post on a blog. He doesnít know the name of the site.

Ripped62 posted 7/6/2019 05:56 AM

I have told an IC about SI to improve her knowledge and skills.

I have suggested SI to a few people to help them.

My youngest (adult) son may know from merely observing me reading and replying to posts. He does not know much about the site or may think it is my friends in real life. I do not know.

I have tended to keep it a secret as a safe place and for healing.

northeasternarea posted 7/6/2019 09:20 AM

I have mentioned to a couple of friends that I visit an infidelity site. I have not shared it with my WH.

Chrysalis123 posted 7/6/2019 09:49 AM

No one knows I post here or my user name.

On occasion, I have mentioned I post on a site that supports others going through a divorce.

A few times I have mentioned the above but add in the part about separating from a disordered person... usually to other victims.

sisoon posted 7/6/2019 10:28 AM

My W, former MC, and IC know. MC & W had to lnow, because at the beginning I checked out things I read here with our MC.


I would argue that the pain your H feels is in him. The fact that SI posts trigger him is healing, because it brings his pain to the surface, where he can resolve it.

Further, your healing is yours to do. If posting helps you heal, I urge you to keep doing it. If you're posting only for your H (and I don't think you do), you're probably not maximizing the benefit you can get from posting.

Bigger posted 7/6/2019 10:38 AM

My clash with infidelity was in another relationship than my present marriage. Although I thought I had gotten over it the PTSD I brought into my present marriage nearly wrecked it some years ago. In dealing with that I found SI. So although my life has been impacted by infidelity then this +25 year marriage has been free of it Ė other than the PTSD. I have not felt a need to share this site with my wife, mainly because IMHO only victims and survivors really ďget itĒ.
So Ė No. Nobody knows who Bigger is. HeckÖ Bigger himself is still searchingÖ

deephurt posted 7/6/2019 10:46 AM

Friends and family donít even know about the infidelity so I have not shared the site with them either.

My wh knows I read here. He says he dies also but we donít share what we read or lost anymore. I donít believe he comes here anymore. I donít start threads anymore but respond to posts. I donít k ow if I help anyone but feel that if I can give my perspective it may help someone someday. Sometimes just knowing someone feels as you have or do is cathartic

WhoTheBleep posted 7/6/2019 10:57 AM

I love all these responses. Thank you!! Certainly different schools of thought, and we all do what works for us.

IMHO only victims and survivors really ďget itĒ.

I agree with this, Bigger. My SO is a 2x BS (once in marriage, once in a 6 year live-in relationship). I know he gets it, although he is 8 years out, now. Still early on for us, so I'm not sure if I'll ever share this place. We don't talk much about our marriages (thank God!) And for now I like it that way. It's still all about us and the fun newness.

I've shared the website name to friends going through infidelity, but not that I am active here. This is my safe place. I'm not willing to expose myself. I say whatever is on my mind, expose my pain, anger, and oh yeah, participate in some risque posts in NB forum!! These things keep me quiet. I feel safe here.

J707 posted 7/6/2019 11:07 AM

I'm no veteran by any means but I have told my Mom and my best friend that I read and post on a site that helps me in my healing to understand infidelity. My mom told me yesterday how some people don't obtain the knowledge they receive but that I do. Knowledge is very powerful, especially knowledge on understanding this trauma. I've passed along this site to fellow BS I've encountered which has only been a few, whether they use it or not I don't know. I always highly recommend SI to a BS!

Tallgirl posted 7/6/2019 12:01 PM

I found this site right after Day1 and went through the healing library articles with WH. We never thought about posting. I did however sign up after a few weeks of lurking.

After the hurricane That was Dday 2 - i was here in desperate need of support.

I try to give as much or more than I receive. It is easier now to separate my need from helping.

I will never tell my WH that I post here though I am recognizable. It is my safe place.

I wasnít covert in my name.. yep 6 ft tall so if he wanted to find me he could.

I think he would be shocked and mortified by how honest I have been here.

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