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Silent No More...Who Do You Tell

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Candyman66 posted 9/26/2018 08:02 AM

To all the ladies here who have been accosted, I am so SORRY that has happened to you! I also know that each of you are stronger than I am. When my ex cheated on me I just shattered.

I trained to be an alter boy but I was never religious enough!! So I guess I got out scott free when so many didn't.

I do not believe the world is getting worse I think there is just way more reporting of the evil things that people do. Remember that law enforcement has been effective (in any real degree) for the last hundred years or so. Also a LOT of what enrages us was just "normal" at the time.

I hope that ALL of you Ladies (and whatever men were molested) heal and teach your daughters and sons what is acceptable and what is not in our society.

May you find peace in your future and live with grace and happiness.

JMO YMMV

Butforthegrace posted 9/26/2018 09:10 AM

I was "woke" to this issue in college. As I spoke to female acquaintances and friends, it became gradually apparent that almost every woman I knew had been victim of some form of assaultive behavior at the hands of men.

In many cases, it was "stalker" type stuff -- guys who won't take "no" for an answer, ranging from repeatedly calling or showing up uninvited to scary stuff like breaking into her place and rifling through underwear, or ripping up a letter from her actual boyfriend, etc.

But I knew a lot of women who related having unwanted sex with a guy just because they were alone and intoxicated and he was being scary and aggressive and she felt it was prudent to simply get it over with rather than resist. And I knew a ton who have been groped by strangers in a crowd, such as a club, etc.

Hyper-aggressive male sexuality is toxic. IMO it begins at home, with parents teaching their sons tacit lessons that this is either okay, or at least that this isn't something to be punished.

barcher144 posted 9/26/2018 09:24 AM

Hyper-aggressive male sexuality is toxic.

I could be wrong, but I don't think that it's about sexuality. It's something different... power? ego, perhaps? Self-loathing?

I am a very sexual person but I have never done anything approaching sexual assault. I don't feel entitled to sex. I don't feel like women are bitches or whatever.

SisterMilkshake posted 9/26/2018 10:41 AM

Women don't need men to protect us. We need men to stop protecting each other. ~ Clementine Ford

ďI wish women didnít have to rip our pasts open and let you ogle our pain for you to believe us.Ē óLindy West

A special thank you for the brave men that ventured into this thread to give us your support. You are very brave! ❤️

SisterMilkshake posted 9/26/2018 12:33 PM

And now I feel victimized again. I want to scream. I am so on the edge and...and...and...Fuck. This. Shit.

Lieswearmedown posted 9/26/2018 13:23 PM

SMS - It is hard to tell from the comment in your last post, but I can feel your pain through it. I donít know specifically what you were addressing. That said, if itís about:

1. What is happening in the news, consider taking a brief break from it. Declare yourself in news free person for about 24 hours to get your equilibrium back. The reports are disheartening on so many levels. I can tell by the very limited exposure I have had to you and your posts that you do not subscribe to the theory that being uninformed is blissful. Neither do I. That said, I consider a 24 hour break sometimes the equivalent of a long cleansing breath and that silent count to the number 10 in order to get my self back to a place where I can feel like fighting again.

2. This thread and the one now in General that was started in response to my inappropriate post on this thread, I sincerely apologize. I was attempting to talk about sexual abuse inside a marriage and in my head, albeit incorrectly, I was only thinking of behaviors that I believe crosses a line no matter the circumstances. I have contacted the moderators in an attempt to do whatever I can to correct it.

In my case, past sexual degradation occurred on spectrum from embarrassing and humiliating to, in that moment, feeling as if I was fighting both physically and mentally to not be assaulted. I personally was hindered by my own parents Ď position that reputation was everything. Keep silent so our image looks shiny and clean. Donít make a fuss. Donít draw attention to yourself, especially as a young girl or woman. Making yourself a target by complaining means people will start to speculate about what you may have done to deserve it.

At 6, I was playing outside across the street from my house with another kid when a man pulled up and asked out the window if we wanted some of his candy. All we had to do was come to the window and take it from him. We ran inside and told our parents. He of course didnít stick around.

At 13, I was participating in a fundraiser for new band equipment and I was at an off ramp with probably 10 other band geeks collecting money in coffee tins. My mother was there as were other mothers and our band leader, a nun (no idea why I am including the nun part). I was called over to a car to accept a donation and the men in the backseat of the car had their pants down and were masturbating.

At 16 years old, at an afterschool job, I had a grown ass man (store manager) follow me around every single shift and demand to know what color my panties were that day, if I would show him, why did I not want to show him... he would follow me into the employees the section of the store and make suggestive comments to intimidate me. After about three weeks, I had about as much as I could take and told my parents. My father immediately made me quit that job and he spoke with the male manager. I had gotten that job through my sister-in-law, my brothers wife. Because it was humiliating, I never told her why I quit after only three weeks. For years after, whenever it came up in a family discussion situation, she would make nasty comments about how flighty I was a teenager and how I could never stick with anything citing that job as her proof. I never told her. My parents never told her because I asked them not to. I didnít want eyes and minds on me and this grown man and the terrible things he said to me.

At 18 years old, I was in a bar with about 8 girlfriends my freshman year of college. A man I didnít even know walked past me and grabbed me from the front right in my crotch and squeeze really hard. It was very crowded and he I believe hoped to just do it walking by because all of his friends were laughing. What he didnít count on and what I didnít count on either was that I had an immediate uncontrolled reaction. I hit him in the face. He stumbled over something or someone and fell on his back. I hit him in the face screaming NO and calling him names until my girlfriends tore me off him. We left immediately.

In my early 20s, I accepted a date with MG (initials used for ease of story telling). MG picked me up and we drove to the restaurant. As soon as we parked the car in the dark restaurant parking lot, MG was on me. No discussion. I was screaming ďstopĒ ďwhat are you doing?!Ē I was slapping his hands away. He was trying to reach the lever to angle my seat back while LICKING ME LIKE A DOG ON MY NECK AND FACE. I was using my feet and hands to fight him. I was using his name while telling him to stop. I finally got the car door open and got out. I called my parents to come get me. I never looked at him again though I know he was everywhere. Heís a high school teacher today.

In my mid 20s at my first professional job, the VP was in the office with a camera crew taking photos for the yearly company prospectus for investors. They were outside cubicle that I shared with two other women in their 20s. They were discussing potential shots and which employees would look best in the photographs. The VP loudly proclaimed that we (me and the other two women) would be good prospects if he had only thought to order us in advance to wear tighter clothes that day... maybe something that showed some cleavage. One of the women apparently had an ass he admired because he said, ďmaybe we can get a shot of her from the back to show off her best feature.Ē We were mortified and what I remember most in terms of the reactions of the wider group of colleagues was embarrassment FOR us. Silence though. We said nothing and neither did anyone else. That same VP also broke professional boundaries by asking us to do things outside our job description like go to his house and babysit his kids at night, etc.

In my 30s, there was the guy in a Target parking lot who stared at me while masturbating to completion while I was trying to load up my purchases in the trunk. He left me feeling used and nauseous.

I wish you peace. I wish all of us peace.

Once again, thank you for your guidance with the original post/thread mistake. Itís appreciated.

DragnHeart posted 9/26/2018 13:44 PM

(((((((SisterMilkshake)))))))

wildbananas posted 9/26/2018 14:07 PM

I'm with you, Sister... this has all been really upsetting for me and I'm on edge, too.

(((Sister)))

And barcher, you're 100% correct - sexual assault isn't about sex at all.

ZenMumWalking posted 9/26/2018 14:12 PM

((((SMS))))

I'm so sorry hun, how about you shut your brain down for a time with a hot drink. Or come over here and clean my house for me - I'll buy the plane ticket

I find this thread both helpful and difficult. It is helpful not to be alone in our pain, and sad that there are so damn many of us. Thinking about these things brings it all up again, and to hear people saying things like 'if they didn't report it at the time then it didn't really happen' - well, that's just fubar.

It happened. We matter. No one should minimize this for any reason whatsoever.

Strength and love to you Sister.

((((SMS))))

BrainFreeze posted 9/26/2018 14:29 PM

((((Ladies))))

After reading this, I need to talk to my wife about her experiences in this regard. I have never asked her about it... It never occurred to me that I should ask...

My daughter is 17.

I want to go protect her. But I know I can't.

WTF is wrong with so many people on the planet?

Butforthegrace posted 9/26/2018 15:19 PM

Fast forward to now. I know what men are like. Not all men, of course, but enough so that life is a minefield for women. And I have a daughter who just started college. Every day I worry about her. Every freaking day.

SisterMilkshake posted 9/26/2018 15:41 PM

This thread and the one now in General
It has nothing to do with you and what you posted Lieswearmedown. I agree with you wholeheartedly.

I am now being ridiculed. Maybe I am being overly sensitive, but I am feeling very vulnerable right now. If the person ridiculing me (and another poster) took the time to read this thread maybe he wouldn't have been so insensitive. I don't feel he did it to hurt me, although it has, but to get a laugh, which he did. Guess what I did? I burst into tears.

And, it is exactly what I am talking about in this thread. People wanting others to be silenced. That whatever my thoughts, opinions, feelings, advice are they are irrelevant and not needed.

Thank you all my kind friends for lifting me up and giving me hugs. Yes, ZMW, I need to shut my brain down. I wish I could clean your house, but mine is in need of some desperate help right now and I am going to go do mindless housework.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 3:47 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)]

ZenMumWalking posted 9/26/2018 15:54 PM

I am now being ridiculed.

Yes I noticed that too. I'm so sorry about that, I think that the point could have been made without singling out people like that. Those types of threads just go round in circles, and I really have to stay away from them because it does not seem to me that posters are listening so much as screaming from their own personal soapbox.

And it's ok if you come here without doing the housework, just don't expect it to be perfectly clean!!

((((SMS))))

SisterMilkshake posted 9/26/2018 16:04 PM

Love you ZMW. Really. Thank you, my dear friend.

Butforthegrace posted 9/26/2018 16:13 PM

SMS, I'm sorry to hear that you're being ridiculed. This thread is powerful. FWIW, men on the Betrayed Menz thread are sharing that this is a powerful thread that all men should read. You are not alone. I've heard versions of your story from so many women. Now, as a father of a lovely young woman just going out into the world on her own, I'm more scared than I ever have been in life.

DragnHeart posted 9/26/2018 16:39 PM

It's like another club none of us wanted to join but reading all of the other posts is weirdly comforting.

I've been talking to my kids alot about this and being abducted since it's so much in the local news (three separate incidents of attempted abductions in the same town close by). I told the kids that if anyone tried anything they are to fight back any way they can.

DD says to me "I'll just kick them in the nuts mom". Love my girl!

sewardak posted 9/26/2018 17:22 PM

does anyone know of a place where you can tell your story? I don't want to do it here because of anonymity. but is there anywhere else a person can?

Lieswearmedown posted 9/26/2018 17:49 PM

I just donít know of a place where you can tell your story and depend on anonymity. You can write here and generalize the details, but other than your therapist, Iím at a loss. I am so sorry.

Iím at the stage where Iím so disheartened. Maybe itís changing slowly. Maybe it isnít really changing at all.

[This message edited by Lieswearmedown at 5:49 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)]

Jeaniegirl posted 9/26/2018 18:04 PM

Sister, I'm sorry you feel badly. Take HEART. ONE thing for sure, what we and other women have went through has changed us. Some bad changes, such as lack of trust but it's also made us AWARE and willing to speak up and take up for others.

Because of incidents that happened to me, I'm one tough cookie now and will NOT ever again be insulted, intimidated or harassed. Ever.

I want to tell about one more incident and how I handled it. On a road trip back home from Cape Cod, I stopped at a rest stop in Indiana to use the lady's room. When I came out, the common area was empty except for a 20-something, very obese young man standing near the door in cut-off sweat pants. Just as I approached him he yanked down the front of his sweat pants and exposed himself to me. Exposed this little tiny fat NUB. I stopped in my tracks and said OH PLEASE and I Laughed. I laughed loudly. Now I realize I was lucky because that could have made him mad enough to attack me but instead I saw the humiliation on his face. I told him he should be ashamed of himself and how would HE feel if someone did that to HIS mother. He was trying to get away, to go to the exit door on the other side - where truckers park -- so he might have been a trucker. I'm not sure what kind of reaction he was hoping for by exposing himself but I am sure my reaction was not it. In my life time, he was the third man to expose himself to me. The first man got away with it and the second time I ran over the man's foot with my car.

Women. We are stronger than we get credit for.
And to Candyman and other men here who posted support, thank you. You are the REAL men like most of our fathers are/were.

[This message edited by Jeaniegirl at 6:18 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)]

Lieswearmedown posted 9/26/2018 18:20 PM

and the second time I ran over the man's foot with my car.

I want to take you to lunch for this.... and I want to take SMS with us.

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