Triggering like mad because of something that is all over the news programs in the USA right now.
An "alleged" attempted rape. This post is not political, please don't make it so. This is about why we don't tell and asking who do we tell.
I am triggering like mad because of things I have experienced that, to me, where awful and traumatizing. I tried to tell some what happened. In some cases I was humiliated and blamed. In another, I was laughed at. It seems no one was ever held accountable for what they did to me.
1. I was about 15-16 y.o. I was the girlfriend of the "alpha" male in our little neighborhood. Oftentimes, I was the only girl hanging out with my boyfriend and a group of guys, his friends, who became my friends, too. One evening, for whatever reason, my boyfriend wasn't around. We, about 4-5 guys and I, were hanging out. We were sitting on one of the guys front lawn laughing, joking, talking, being teens. Suddenly, I am flat on my back with something heavy on top of me, almost knocking the wind out of me. I am stunned, and then I realize it is the almost 6 ft., 200# football player (I weighed maybe 90#) "friend", Mike, on top of me, trying to kiss me (?) and groping me, hands everywhere. I start yelling and trying to get away. I got away, I don't really have recollection how. I don't know if the other boys got him off me, I do know they were saying "Mike, WTF are you doing?". I do know I ran home and told no one. Who was I going to tell? I didn't even tell my boyfriend because I knew he would get violent with the other boy. I don't know if the other boys with that night told or not. We all continued to hang out together. I always avoided Mike and was never, ever around him without my boyfriend present. It was like it became a dirty secret. P.S. Mike went on to become a police officer.
2. I was at school. 10th grade. The early 70's. We wore mini skirts. It was lunch time. We had an outdoor (South Florida) lovely area with trees and tables where we ate lunch. I was with our group of friends and there was a boy, Dennis, that really didn't belong to our group but sometimes hung out with us. He was very funny and entertaining. I was walking by him to throw out some lunch trash and he stuck a pencil up my skirt. It actually went into my rectum along with my panties. Rather roughly. I don't think he could have actually done that purposely, but he purposely rammed the pencil up my skirt. I yelled "Hey, what are you doing. That went up my butt you jerk!" Everyone laughed, boys and girls. I was humiliated and violated. Who was I going to tell? I hated Dennis from that day forward.
3. I was walking my dog, same neighborhood about 16 y.o. My dog finds his spot and hunches up to do his job. Dog and I try not to look at each other as it is not comfortable to do so. So, I am looking everywhere else. My eyes fall on the man in the garage directly across the street from me. He is in his open garage with a young child, maybe about 3 y.o., standing in front of him. I am not quite sure I am seeing what I am seeing. And, then, yep I realize I am seeing a man with his pants down around his ankles showing this child his penis. He then turns to me directly to give a full frontal view of him and his exposed penis. I quickly avert looking at him, wait for my dog to finish pooping and quickly go home and tell my parents. They call the police. Two middle aged detectives come to our house after awhile to question me. My parents allow them to question me without them present. The first question they ask me was "What were you wearing?" they asked some more questions and then said to me "We have talked to some of your neighbors and they say you "ball" on your front lawn. Is this true?" I was so embarrassed. I turned bright red, I was burning up. I was 16, I was a virgin, "No I do not!" I replied. I was so humiliated. I was a girl, these were men. How dare they speak to me like that. I was violated all over again. This is why we don't tell. Who was I going to tell? BTW, our pervert neighbor went on to expose himself to my 12 y.o. sister and another 40 y.o. lady neighbor. I don't know what happened to the sick bastard, I don't know if he was ever arrested. I never heard anymore about it. I do know that neither my sister or I were never questioned by a DA or asked for our testimony. What I do know is that I was more traumatized by the way the police treated me than seeing a perverts penis.
4. I was 17 y.o. and riding bicycles with my guy friend, Andy, at Fort Lauderdale Beach on A1A. Wearing my bikini top and shorts, like all the girls did down on the beach. A FPL utility truck crowds me into the curb and the man sitting in the passenger side seat reaches out his window and grabs my ass. My bicycle bounces on the curb, I lose control and hit the back of the truck as it finishes passing. The next thing I know someone is carrying me in their arms from the middle of the 4 lane very busy AIA, two lanes in each direction. There is a great crowd of people surrounding me. I am confused. Turns out I was thrown from my bicycle and hit the street...hard. I was knocked out. The cops arrive. I am given a ticket for failure to yield. I am blamed for my assault! The FPL truck is just told they are free to go. The police do not call an ambulance for me. I have a huge egg on my head and cuts and scrapes on my body. I go home and wind up with the worst headache. My parents take me to the ER. I have a concussion. Who am I going to tell? The judge? We go to court. The judge doesn't want to listen to me. He, in fact, lectures me on what I did wrong. Again, no one wants to address the fact that I was assaulted, that I was a victim. I could have been killed. It was a miracle I wasn't killed by a car as AIA is one of the busiest roads in Fort Lauderdale.
5. I was 19 and I worked at a bar/grill. He was my co-worker. If any you have jobs in the restaurant/bar business and you are young and work the night shift it is very difficult to just go home and go to bed. A busy bar and restaurant has your adrenaline revved up for hours, you need time to wind down. Oftentimes, we were able to go to places opened later than our place or someone's home to have some drinks and wind down. Anyway, co-worker needs a ride home after work. It is about 1:30 -2:00 am ish. I offer to give him a ride home as it isn't far out of my way. He had always been nice and polite to me at work. We didn't flirt with each other, just polite conversations when there was a little down time. Never gave me the creep vibe, no gut telling me anything. We get to his home. He invites me in to smoke a joint. I say okay as it will help me wind down. We go in. I drop my purse and keys by the door. We go sit on his couch. He serves some non-alcoholic beverage and we smoke a little. We make small talk. All of a sudden he pushes me back on the couch and he is on top of me. He has me pinned. I am yelling "No, no, no!" over and over again. I am kicking, I am flailing. He pins my arms above my head with one hand, with the other he is grabbing at my clothes. I am still struggling, kicking and yelling, trying to get loose. He is pulling at my blouse, he pulls my skirt up over my waist. I am yelling "Stop, no, stop, stop, stop, no, no, no!" I am fighting. It is no use, he is strong, I am overpowered. He is pulling at my panties now and I realize I am going to get raped, I can't stop this. I go limp and just start crying. He is somewhat shocked or surprised, I don't know what, but he lets go of my arms, he relaxes his pressure against my body. I am somehow able to roll off the couch from under him. I run for the front door. My purse and keys are there where I left them, I get to my car and take off. I am crying, I am shaking. I am hysterical. Who am I going to tell? It is 2:30 am, I went into a mans house to smoke a joint, I was almost raped. Are the cops going to treat me like shit, like I did something to deserve this? I go home and crawl into bed and try to forget and sleep. See co-worker at work next time we work together. I ignore him. He tries to speak to me. He is from some South American country. I think Chile, wouldn't swear to it. But he tells me at work, "I am sorry, in my country when a woman says "no" she really means "yes"." I scream at him, in the restaurant, "When a woman here in the USA says "no" she means "no"!" I wonder how many women this nice, polite man has raped.
I quit this job soon after.
There were a few more incidents, similar to these, that happened when I was in my teens, but these are the highlights. More happened in my 20's. These are the main incidents that upset me most, though, and what I have been triggering about. And, I find I am angry with myself. For telling myself it wasn't bad what happened to me. All girls/women have these things happen. It is part of being female. No big deal. You are tough, Milkshake, you put on your big girl panties and deal. Worse has happened to others, what happened to you wasn't that bad. I have been through therapy many times. Weird thing is, I never brought these issues up. Ever. Why is that? I buried them deep, thought I dealt with them? No big deal? My fault for being naive, for being where I was, for wearing what I was wearing, for smoking a joint?
And, the really sad thing is, I know I am not some unique flower. This has happened to so many of us. I wonder if there are any women that haven't had anything happen to them like this, too.
So, what I would like to know is if there are any females that are reading this that have never encountered any kind of inappropriate behaviour? Also, if you have experienced inappropriate behaviour, did you tell? Who did you tell and what happened? If you encountered inappropriate behaviour and never told, tell it here!
I know this is long. Thank you if you were able to trudge through it.