SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So last night, I told my WS that he if wanted space, he had to start sleeping out of the house. I told him that hearing him on the phone with his sister like everything is normal, or watching tv in the frog while I'm in my bedroom spiraling is hurting me. He said I told you I would find a place next week after the soccer tournament we have this weekend. I said ok fine. Retreated to the bedroom for the night. This morning, I run into him the kitchen and say good morning. He replies and we have a short chat about kid logistics. Then I say I'm leaving for work... he holds out his arms for a hug which I do. He holds me and I start to cry... so I just suck it in and leave.

This is so freaking hard.

This is exactly why I was insistent that my H move out. I could not stand the thought of him seeing me in pain while he was just skipping around, acting normal. I've been in your shoes exactly. I know what you're feeling. I did what you're doing.

I'm sure he's loving the attention he's getting from you. Look, I can treat her like shit, string her along with little hugs and stuff, toss her a poke when I want one, and she still wants me. He's in the power position. Doesn't that piss you off? I'm leery AF about that "space" that he's needing. It's highly likely that it's code for "I'm still in the A".

I'm going to give you another little Cher slap and holler at you to SNAP OUT OF IT! Put on your bitch boots! STAT! Stop seeking him out for interaction. Stop. Stop. Stop. Nothing good is coming from it, so STAAAAHP. If you can't keep from crying and falling into his arms, then avoid the areas he's in. Send him emails or texts about kid logistics. Maybe stay with a friend for the weekend.

You can do this. I believe in you.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:02 PM, Thursday, March 20th]

Hugging him and sobbing is not the message you are trying to send.

Or maybe it is the message you are trying to send.

Either way, you won’t get the result you are hoping for.

Because the message to him is; he doesn’t need to do a thing, this is all going to work out for him, just fine.

Thanks SacredSoul33, I needed the bitch slap. Can I least get a gold sticker for telling him had to physically stay somewhere else? LOL

You only get the gold sticker if you enforce what you told him to do.

Fair enough.

We've got a whole box of really cool sparkly stars, just waiting to be stuck on your forehead. Stay strong, friend. You can do this.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You love this man and you have been his wife for so many years. It's going to take time and conscious effort to reach a point of indifference and rewrite the script of your relationship with him.

The hug that your husband offered wasn't for you-- it was for his own self-reassurance. He needed to demonstrate to himself that he has the power to trample over any boundaries you attempt to set for yourself.

The only way that you will be able to resist being reeled back in by him is to constantly remind yourself that his gestures of warmth and kindness are manipulative. He has demonstrated this time and time again. Because any time you have pushed back in any meaningful way, his mask drops and he resorts to emotional blackmail.

So the next time he does something like extend his arms out for hug, instead of giving in to your natural instincts and just reacting... simply pause for a moment and ask yourself: What do I think he's trying he gain from this?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:09 PM, Friday, March 21st]

Very good insight from Blue.

He is out of the house. And I’m just unbelievably sad. But at least he’s not around to see it.

This is all so hard. But he’s offering hugs to prove to himself that he’s still a good guy. It’s not about you, unfortunately.

It takes time to break the habit of him. He’s who you have always gone to for comfort, so you instinctively want that again. But you can and will build new habits and new ways of comforting yourself without him, ones that are healthier and authentic.

You are strong and you will get through this. We’re here cheering for you. Sending you virtual strength!

From my observations, almost everyone breaks NC at some point. Just get back on the NC horse. When you fall off, give yourself a bitch slap, then forgive yourself. When you don't break NC, reward yourself. Rewards can be small. Have a good cry with a sister/friend, maybe do a spa day, indulge in a scoop of your favorite ice cream while having a good cry. I promise it gets easier and the relapses become less and farther apart.
I didn't find this site until after we were separated, so there were some things I had to figure out on my own. But, looking back, I did pretty good. My biggest regret now that I'm healed is that I wasted too much time crying over someone who just wasn't worth my tears. Lesson learned, KWIM! Make sure you shelve some of your grief and regrets to enjoy life too. Smell the roses so to speak. Enjoy time with your tribe.
If you can get out and get away, do so. It can be going camping, visiting friends, or even just spending more time away from the house doing things you enjoy. Fake it til you make it.

Sometimes it seems the people on this board are more interested in breaking up marriages than fixing them. Why I don't know. But I suppose that's the danger of going on the internet for advice. You never know who's speaking to or what they're looking to resolve for themselves. Be careful whose advise you take.

It sounds like he doesn't want to face moving out. Or can't. How good are you two with "communication"? Perhaps communication counseling where you each can openly express what you need and haven't been able to say is a good idea? You especially might benefit from that because you'll learn what he's actually thinking outside the confusion.

Elica- I agree with u that the many if. Or majority on here are in fact trying to survive the infidelity not save the marriage. I believein healing….

That being said after dd1 ( not an affair but a summer of escorts and self soothing ….I was devastated…took me 10 months to start to come out of it and at about 1.5 yrs he relapsed with porn. My boundary was- no relapses. He’s moving out BUT he’s in a 12 step, in IC and also hurting while he unpacks his trauma. I still melt when I see him. I still give him a hug (ugh) and I recently said " we’ll see…." uGH! The space has reminded me he lied to me ….easily. I believe in healing but I also need a good bitch slap 🤪❤️

Many old-timers think and write about thriving after being betrayed. The implication - often stated, not implied - is that some people thrive with R; others with D. The goal is to heal irrespective of R or D.

Each of us has to make our own decisions. Satya, you came on saying your M is over, and you separated. I assume that was the best decision you thought you could make at the time.

People change over time, and your H - and you - have changed since you separated. Maybe a different decision is best now - you know if that's true better than anyone here does.

So where are you? Are you rethinking your decision to D? Did I misread you about making a decision to D? All a reader can do, IMO, is respond to what you write....

*****

Going back and forth on the D/R decision is par for the course, especially soon after a discovery.

Well done! You enforced what you told him to do, which makes you eligible for the gold sticker you were promised.
You'll be eligible for many more if you stick to your guns and don't relent. We're proud of you, girl! Keep it up and don't back off!

So after all that, he wants to come home now. He says space wasn't helping him feel better after all, he just missed me. He wants to come home and try it my way (I had suggested we instead of space, we focus on each other and having some good times instead of always talking about the A or how I'm feeling hurt. I will say that he has several weeks scheduled out for his therapy appointments for once, he usually just does one and then a few weeks will go by and he'll schedule another. But now he has least a month of them scheduled. But I don't know what to do... I wasn't the one who wanted space but I also don't want to get jerked around again.

Well, it's early, what's the rush? Sorry for this analogy, but to me it almost seems like that little kid who proverbially packed his bags and stated "I'm Leaving Home, Mommy!" BAM went the front door as it swung shut behind him....he marched a mile or so down the street and pretty soon, darkness fell. He waited to see if somebody would care enough to come looking for him, since by then he was standing there on a deserted street corner and felt rather lost, and was getting a bit hungry. Reality was setting in...

Meanwhile, what about the whiplash you are going through? And will go through some more, if he comes back and then reverts to the same behaviors?

Not sure what to say. Just go back to your first post above and read the comments, and let the messages resonate in your mind?

Then think about it some more...

Op, not sure if any WS have commented on this or not but I just wanted to share my observations as a WS and one who has been incredibly selfish and difficult to reconcile with (I still have a mountain to climb and even after 3 years now still act like a total douch).

Bluntly it doesn't sound as though he is in the slightest bit sorry for what he has done, the fact he is still in contact with his AP should make you run a mile and if you can't run then uber away.

He got caught out and what it seems like to me is that he is throwing at you "you don't want this then I guess I'll just go" in the hopes that you will just turn around and say "oh please don't.."!! I feel this way because this is exactly how I would play it in the early days. Like the poster above I'd be thst little child sitting down the road waiting for a phone call to come back. A number of times I did go to my parents and a couple times I did drive down the road to wait and see what my BS would say but its just childish and manipulative on his part. I fear your essentially trying to just sweep this away without him really giving it his all....

One of my biggest struggles and continues to be is feeling that sense of validation and relevance from my bs, I want nothing more than her to just say "I'm in this and we will get through it"! But the reality is that she can't and I need to understand that, so does he. He has to accept that this is his mess to fix and you need to see understand that too.

Just remind yourself he did this and he continues to show disrespect this by staying in contact with the AP. It shouldn't be a case that you don't talk about it or only focus on having fun because that won't make you happy for long and you will end up just feeling resentment because if you bring it up.... He will weaponise it against you!!

I wish you all the luck