Working towards reconciliation but just not sure I can get over this….

We are 14 months post DDay. My WS is one of those who has done everything" right" - full disclosure ( 3 months prostitutes) , IC, reading, online courses, supposedly being transparent although Im not big on spending my energy tracking him or even monitoring him 24/7. I do occasionally pick up his iPad. Maybe 6 times in 14 months. Some of you may recall in Oct (early) I found a bunch of lingerie shopping on his iPad. About 10 open tabs and nothing crazy just little chemise gowns etc….which I never wear and if he thought about it- am not interested. This was definitely for HIM but I do believe he was trying to shop for me ( he has bought me a few things before which I dont wear and frustrated me because that is not who I am). That was a HUGE drama and "trigger" for me…lots of apologies, acknowledgement of my feelings etc. NOW he has been hiding his IPad for 2 months. Under the couch in his office, under the cushions, etc. at first I ignored it but when I confronted him- again he is remorseful saying it was stupid but he 1. Didn’t want me to get triggered, then he said 2. He was CHristmas shopping for me……….then that he was shopping in general. Im stuck with feeling so awful and my nervous system freaking out and then thinking Im overreacting and its not that big of a deal. Thing is even without the infidelity- in our 26 yr marriage I overlooked a lot. His early years partying when away on business, just his "party boy" persona in general while I was the dutiful mom (we lived overseas for years- no support system) So these little things are now adding up and Im just tired of it. I dont want a divorce but Im not sure Ill ever trust or feel the same way about him…..Im sick of the BS. :( but wondering if Im seeking perfection and he is doing the work with these "little" (?) slip ups. Everytime he is gutted. He says he is working on it with his therapist and his childhood trauma ( which is real). Just tired of crying and feeling bad and taking the high road.

8 comments posted: Thursday, December 5th, 2024

My husband was lingerie shopping online for me..

We are 14 mos. Post DDay - for the most part have been doing well although lately WS has not been forthcoming about a recent "pop up" on his computer that I found or about a recent "urge" that he waited 2 weeks to share…..when I saw the "pop up" there were also about 10 lingerie sites up and he said he was Christmas shopping for me. I am SOOO offended by this- I feel objectified. We have had no problems in this area and I dont wear sexy lingerie for his pleasure. I dont like it. Im fit and very much a "natural girl" but this feels very creepy to me- like he is fantasizing and being "creepy" …..am I wrong?

6 comments posted: Saturday, November 2nd, 2024

Feeling very low today- exhausted

We are past year one of Dday and things have been going well as WSd plunged head first into the work of healing himself understanding himself and taking care of me after this huge betrayal….one of the reasons , maybe the biggest reason I stayed is not just that I truly love him but to spare my young adult children the pain of watching their parents marriage of 25 years crumble. My family is my heart. I had a real awakening this weekend when I went to visit my 24 yr old son who is struggling. I now this is a difficult time in life- he has a great job and pays his own way- the issue is he is so "ugly" towards me. Waiting to pounce on any comment. I was excited to see his new apt and when I went in it was squalor- nice apt but dishes piled in the sink and filthy. He’s just been there a month. He wanted to go work out ( yes after we had an arranged time for our arrival) so WS and I said "sure, we will wait" and offered to help out while he was gone ….we had nothing to do. He immediately jumped down my throat for criticisms him ( when I just wanted to run the vacuum) and later said mean things to me like "you were only a good mom when we were young" . This whole scene just pushed me over the edge. I feel that I put my family first and am shocked what I have had to bear from them. I am not a wimp- I can stand up for myself. I also understand that at this age they "soil the nest" but this is unusually brutal and angry. My WS tried to mediate which makes me furious. Honestly we should have just left.

Im just feeling that it is so unfair that I am taking all this abuse- my WS, my son who has had everything given to him. I’m VERY low and having a hard time snapping out of this. I feel like I need to tell my son that he is no longer welcome here if he can’t manage his emotions. - It is so hard when I have worked so hard to keep the family together. WS did stick up for me but also— many things he has promised me are starting to fade ( he had stopped drinking but is now occasionally having a drink when out, said he’d start taking care of himself but the exercise and better eating habits have faded….I just can’t be the battery anymore for these humans — I feel crushed. I also am finding it interesting that I am focusing on WS in this also- which he probably thinks if unfair but I can’t help but see it when Im taking so much from my son also. I guess Im not early asking anything, writing is just therapeutic and I am just sharing here when I wouldn’t share this with anyone else. 😢 Im sad

14 comments posted: Wednesday, October 30th, 2024

Rough day after 1st anniversary of Dday

We are one week out from our 1 year since DDay- when I found out my WH was seeing escorts ( 3 x last summer) he is one of the few who immediately got into therapy, healing and full disclosure. He’s been doing well….but….

He has always had this sort of secret side. I was busy home raising kids, he a traveling executive , great whe he was home, partying internationally when not. I think I may have a lot of resentment about the double life which I tolerated until I found out about last summer.

We have been working hard…..but he is so not self aware. What triggered me was he had a Dr. appt in the same town (about 45 min away- we live outside a major city) and this is the place where he saw escorts in the hotels there. He would then go to a CHinese buffet ( self soothing with sex and food). He promised to just text me , update me on his day — I was busy and appreciated the transparency. When I didn’t hear from him for a while I checked location services to see if he was still at his Dr appt…..he was at the Chinese buffet!!!!!!! I lost it.!!!! First of all- we dont eat that way, greased fried food and second of all WTF???? Just makes me feel he has always had this secret side….sneaking off to do what he wants…..It is SOOO not about the food…..it’s about the transperancy. If he had called or texted and said "Hey, done early, can’t head to next appt yet so gonna stop in and see if I can find a healthy option at xxxxx" I would have said "good luck lol" but instead he resorted to old behavior……this trigger has knocked me to my knees today—if you want to rebuild trust then be where you say you are going to be and do what you say you are gonna do.

Im so tired of crying and feeling like shit. I feel like all is well and Im healing then he pulls this kind of careless crap. :( Just sad and frustrated….and a bit pissed off.

4 comments posted: Thursday, September 12th, 2024

Needing support- Reconciled but continued lying

We are almost 1 yr post DDay. From Day 1 my husband took responsibility for his acting out last summer. No trickle truth and immediately went into therapy. ( he saw escorts last summer ) now before anyone says "oh I bet this wasn’t the first time, pls leave it, we have worked through all that and I believe him. We have been in couples therapy for 7 months.

I am a massage therapist and our whole family get massage regularly. He has had severe back pain and after being away on a business trip , went to an Asian massage business for his back. All that is ok with me except the place he went to has a sketchy reputation AND he didn’t tell me he went. I spoke with him 4x that day - he calls a lot while away in business . He said he was afraid to tell me 🤷‍♀️ and then as time went on he was nervous to tell me. 🤷‍♀️ so weird. I’m all for massage. It doesn’t make sense he didn’t tell me- he is saying that he was wrong should have told me and is sorry. He also has been self soothing with food as I found numerous charges on a cc I don’t usually check

He is so upset. I’m so angry. He said he is working on being transparent but it’s taking time and his dad used to do the same. I am heartbroken and frustrated that I have to deal with this sh*t when I thought we were through it 🤦‍♀️ any encouragement appreciated. I’m trying to not "throw out the baby with the bath water" we have had a great few months and are planning a big Christmas getaway where we considered renewing our vows. 25 yrs married 😢

26 comments posted: Monday, August 12th, 2024

Struggling- next week is 25th wedding anniversary

Hi all

We have been in recovery and working towards reconciliation after my husbands breakdown and subsequent alcohol/porn/prostitute use. We had 24 amazing years together and then this happened and now a year of hell. He immediately was shocked back into reality and started therapy and self work as well as being 100% supportive of me.

As we approach this big day- I feel so sad. I was very proud of my family. Of the life we created. My other family members are all divorced and we are the ones who "made it" . I was doing so much better but Im right back to just being so so sad. 25 years- I was so excited.

Then Dday is early Sept so I have the whole summer to replay and feel sad. UGH . and I sorta get the feeling he feels like "we got this" and all this is past but I see trickles of him being inpatient with me, slacking a bit in his morning meditations and therapy....Im not trying to control him but Im watching.

I guess Id just like to hear from others who have been here...

3 comments posted: Thursday, June 13th, 2024

Beginning of Summer from Hell….anniversary

My D day was 9/2023. BUT the infidelity started in 5/2023 and lasted for the summer. We have had great moments of healing, consistent and unwavering commitment for healing from WS and I felt like maybe this was a blip in a 25 yr marriage ( Im not downplaying- I know this was serious and hurtful). I felt I was healing but now a few weeks out from when he went to his first escort, Im spiralling. I’m stuck AGAIN in the "how could he do this to us?" Mode and sadly…I do love him, the father of my children and imagine I always will- but I don’t feel the same. I dont look at him as my rock, I see him as someone who it will take years to get to the level of self awareness that i deserve and am just feeling so sad. He doesn’t know what else to do except be consistent and I am unsure if it’s just the approaching one year mark that is triggering me. Would love to hear from others who have been here….

Pls refrain from the "Oh I bet he was doing this before last summer" and "once a cheater always a cheater" because that is not helpful to me. I believe he had a mental breakdown from trauma…..1000% but not sure where this leave me/us.

16 comments posted: Saturday, May 11th, 2024

Got got snooping ….

My WS and I (married 24 years) are working hard on reconciliation and doing very well … last night he was out (I knew where he was am encouraged the activity /community time ) I saw his iPad and started snooping.

This morning he was moody. We worked out together and he seemed off. I went to him and said "something’s up and it’s making me feel insecure" which he shared he had seen inwas snooping because I left his email acct open. He was ok with it but admitted it bothered him because we were doing so well …. Yes, but t also I feel like I’ve betrayed his trust and messed things up 🤦‍♀️. He reassured me that it is ok and part of the process but I’m embarrassed and feel awful. Im annoyed he walked around sulking and festering for 3 hrs Ugh could use some support

Also this is the month all this started last year and he was heavy Into porn and then prostitutes last summer

20 comments posted: Saturday, May 4th, 2024

New Beginning for those who were married 20plus years…

I was a stay at home mom and wife- Im educated, sharp, but this was a lifestyle choice that worked for our family. I was very good at it! Then DD. My WS wanted to repair things but I just couldn’t move forward and am at the point of creating a new life that is a healthier fit for me. We are well off financially but I know my quality of life will decrease, which is fine, and I have a part time job but am nervous because Im 59 , still have a lot of years, and can’t really support myself. Would love to hear from others who have rebuilt their lives- found peace, a fulfilling life as a divorced, empty nester in midlife.

5 comments posted: Friday, April 5th, 2024

WOrking on it but finding myself so angry with WH

We are just 4 months post DD. (my husband was sleeping with escorts- 3x this summer) I was completely shocked. 25 year very happy marriage....blindsided.

After initial shock, I resorted to I love him- something is wrong, he is suffering from trauma and depression, so I have been committed to working on things. Both in IC and MC. He had done everything right ( full disclosure, immediate IC, joined online groups for WS, exercising, taking care of himself, zero alcohol ( he was def. a party boy) and taking care of me....

But I feel so angry. Im triggered by EVERYTHING- just relaxing and watching tv on same couch we were doing the same this summer while he was sneaking off for his dates. Looking back, we were still spending time together - walking, talking, dates etc.....so now I feel just so betrayed and pissed. I put my family on a pedistool and this is what I get? I understand healing takes time, but this is a huge load to carry- and Im drowning in it. I am so angry that he has jeopardized our family.....and my mental health. I was happy and content with life.....now Im so miserable and can't seem to move forward. UGH

20 comments posted: Sunday, January 14th, 2024

Working towards Reconciliation-- but just not sure

DD was Sept 3 2023. Husband had seen escorts while on business trips 3 times this summer. Almost from that day I have felt that my husband of 25 years is doing everything he can to work on himself, save our marriage, and made amends to me. I have listened and been receptive. He is in IC, I am in IC and we re in MC. These past 3 weeks I have cried almost nonstop.....after initially thinking we'd be ok.....I'm now just so sad and disappointed in him and am not sure I want a future where this is part of the story. Ive spent too much time worrying about his mental health, my adults college aged kids finding out and need to focus on my own healing. I have done my work many years ago and am frustrated that he is just beginning to heal childhood wounds and trauma that got us here.....just not sure Im up for it. :( I always thought we were rock solid, we had an affectionate loving marriage - no clue he would be trying to fill some apparent void in himself .....with alocohol porn and escorts. He stopped everything the day I found out and he's doing "great...but at my expense. Im just not sure I believe in us anymore.

12 comments posted: Thursday, December 28th, 2023

2 months but feels like yesterday - 25 yrs and now infidelity

I posted a few weeks ago.....but am back after reading a lot. Im miserable. I cry most mornings -8 weeks after DD. I am exerising, eating well, taking care but thats about it.

My husband who I love dearly hired escorts-- just over this summer 2023-- not once but 3 separate times. He is remorseful, full disclosure, been in therapy since day 2, in a group online , reading books recommended and deeply sorry and hurting for me. He has a lot of childhood trauma he is dealing with and swears he wants to do whatever it takes.

I was originally numb, then empathetic, now I cry most mornings and just can't imagine how I can get through this-- he did this 3 times!!! I remember him leaving for meetings and returning- not knowing what the meetings were.

My adult children also do not know- I dont want to share my trauma but Im a bit withdrawn ( they live out of town) and I feel like it will affect the whole family if I dont get unstuck. Anyone else been in this situation?

10 comments posted: Saturday, November 4th, 2023

Almost 25 Years and now devastation

I was shocked to find out a few weeks ago my husband (where can I learn the abbreviations) has been seeing escorts for a few months. Right after vacations, graduations- important and loving family celebrations. We have two college aged children. We've had a wonderful life and I was looking forward to growing older together. He admitted everything, immediately went into Therapy, Coaching, full disclosure of phones etc. I guess you'd say he is doing all the right things. Apparently this is all built up trauma, including long haulers covid, childhood trauma and more. This lead to porn during the lockdown and now this. When I found the appt confirmation on his phone I started shaking. I was in shock. I confronted him immediately and the next day went for STD testing and a boozy lunch with a friend. Ive spoken with a lawyer. I am in counseling. All the THINGS but am just still in shock that the man I have loved for 25 years has gone down this road.....we have a beautiful life. When he talks about his own healing and building a new relationship I get angry- I was happy! I did my "work" and healing years ago and have been committed to this family. In some ways, I suppose my strength has been holding us all together ......now Im frustrated in limbo while he gets help. I'm supposed to wait and see if he sticks with "the work" and then we can go to marriage counselling. So....sit around and wait for him. It feels so unfair. I have the tools I need and am taking care of myself but Ive lost weight (that I didnt need to) and feel myself isolating from friends. He's doing well in his recovery- but Im resentful that it's all at my expense

No idea if Im doing this correctly and just letting words come out unedited - my brain hasn't functioned right in weeks. Thanks for listening

18 comments posted: Thursday, September 28th, 2023