Why are so many insistent on the "there's always more" scenario?

Many of you know my story, I have just gone through DD2 and we have separated. He is working on himself (in group and individual therapy with a "I want my wife back" mantra). I am not quite 180 but close. Ive seen a lawyer. In the beginning there was no trickle truth- he immediately admitted everything and more. He dove into healing and therapy- relapsed back into porn after a year. DDAY2 was the first time that I know of when he lied to me. I think he knew Id follow through on my boundary. Once confronted he admitted again. So.....moving forward....as I'm settling down and working on regulating my nervous system-why do so many feel the need to constantly say "there's more"addicts are liars "you dont know everything" etc etc. I mean I get it but obviously not EVERYONE has more secrets because there are many many stories of healing and reconciliation. Some WS really do want to be free from their addictions/ habits/ pain/trauma and do the work. I believe my WS is a good man whose trauma caught up with him and he has used Sex to self soothe....this is a man I have loved for 28 years and I do know him, see his pain, but am also, let me be clear, unwilling to live in that world. It feels like some kinda of breakdown and ......I choose to pray he breaks through.

28 comments posted: Sunday, March 23rd, 2025

Update. One month seperation

My WS has been couch surfing for a month while he waits for his new apt. This really has helped me calm down my nervous system and get perspective.

He is going to take our daughter back to college so it was decided he could stay in the basement apt. One night and then 4 days before he moves to get his stuff organized ( and he works from home so a lot to do) I will most likely stay with a friend or sister out of town.

Last night we sat and talked. He at first was downstairs and giving me space and to be respectful but I invited him up and we talked. He said no excuse but while Covid was the first trigger that pushed him over the edge (Porn then escorts) I forgot he had Covid again in Oct and that is the time frame for the relapse again. Again, not an excuse but he had Covid very badly in 2022 and is still in treatment for neurological issues . So it’s and explanation of what pushed him but not an excuse. He is in AL Anon …he had an an abusive childhood and is learning about addiction and a solid therapist. He screened with a csat but for now it doesn’t appear to be an addiction full blown - it’s "Episodic" Crazy how many men white knuckle through life not feeling, talking or trusting…..He is very remorseful nd always has been. He told me about his occasional porn use during our marriage when he travelled….( 25 yrs married 50% travel) and how it escalated. When DDay happened he was 1000% remorseful and for 10 months all was well…..while I healed….then a relapse. He looks awful. Thin. Sad and miserable

It kind of messed with my mind. So easy to fall back into empathy for someone you love who has harmed you. I have a strong personality but also I’m very empathetic and believe in change but also am focusing on myself and don’t want to get sucked back in. I can’t keep going through this. I spoke with my therapist and her advise- keep focusing on myself and the separation must be 6 months before I even consider sitting down with him. In the meantime we have a mediator for a separation agreement ~and I’m up this morning reminding myself to keep my distance. No "fixing" he is capable of all this……

14 comments posted: Sunday, March 16th, 2025

2 weeks since Separation after Ddday 2...All over the place

AFter a year of my WS supposedly doing the work, stopped drinking, no porn, no escorts ( per him it was one summer) - I found out he had been drinking on business trips, he had been back into porn for 4 months and he lied and hid it all. I told him to leave. One week later, my precious Golden Retriever died....it's been a lot

WS is devastated, begging to save his family. He is distraught. Im trying to not focus on him and also to not have contact because I'm in a "mean" stage. He has started ACA and SA Anonymous......knowing him he is probably far more into ACA because he says hes not "like the others who are sex addicts " UHG.

I have followed through on the boundary I set- he is out. I told my young adult son, who knew nothing before other than thinking "mom was going crazy" and Ill tell DD this weekend. I have an appt with an attorney. I'm taking care,have support , eating well and exercising.

AND....I miss my husband. We were together almost all the time since we both work from home. I miss our walks, talks, snuggles at night by the tv. Our "healthy" sex life......US. Then I think about how oneminute he is with me and the next when I walk the dogs he is watching porn, How he gets irritable when he is engaging in that with both me and my children. My daughter is hurt by his impatience and mean spirit when he is acting out....she is 22. I know he always "love bonds"me because he liked his life like it was....two separate worlds. Now he is couch surfing and looking at apartments but not wanting to commit to. a year lease. He literally thinks he can turn this around- Im not so sure. LYING TO MY FACE over and over. 25 yrs is a long time and we had a good life, loving. I now realize hes probably been this way the entire time......so depressing. I'm lonely, my other dog is lonely. My big full house is now just me. I dont see a way through for us, but I also cant imagine not getting through. Just venting.:(

20 comments posted: Wednesday, March 5th, 2025

Failed reconciliation or Relapse……normal?

Most of you know my story but for those who don’t, WS summer with escorts, (3x) , porn but DDay 9/23 onward he has been the " poster boy" of recovery…….until last Friday. I found 2 escort sites on his computer and was very calm….then made him leave. I also finally told my 25 year old.

The story has come out that he did not have sex, he did not contact them. ….but he used their sites as "porn" …which is illegal in the country he was visiting . He travels a lot for business and this was his first time on a big trip . We lived overseas for many years as expats - he travelled 50% of the time. I never for a second thought he’d do this…….25 yrs in love and very devoted ( I thought) the escorts happened locally not while travelling but who knows…..he absolutely had a 25 year pron addiction I knew nothing of. I’ll drive myself crazy wondering, assuming, etc. He swears he never saw escorts before that time, which is enough, but we really did do the work…..for a year.

So , no escorts but he admitted to porn for past 4 months which to me is just almost the same. He’s back in his "secret sexual basement" ……he’s broken. I know he loves us. We have done therapy and an online EMS program which was brutal…..we were just saying how lucky we were to have over come all this…..but really he was glad I thought he was healing :(

So my question is…..porn is a relapse……but if he is now admitting he may be a sex addict…..is relapse part of the process? I made it too easy last time but being empathetic and caring and now he’s rock bottom? He didn’t see escorts but sounds like he was on the way…..

We aren’t really talking
I have an appt with a lawyer
I love my husband
I love myself

Am I delusional? Overreacting? Is relapse inevitable ? I’m so sad and confused. Everyone says take good care of yourself…..I am with basics ( water, healthy food, exercise, breathing). Any help appreciated

3 comments posted: Friday, February 21st, 2025

Newly separated…..questions regarding housing…

One week since DDay 2nand WH out of the house. He is staying with a friend but says he "Has nowhere to go" …..I know it’s not my job or problem but this is going to be a big challenge financially……. I’m super stressed about this……I have an appt with lawyer March 6 😢

Also trying to explain to my 25 year old how his dad saw prostitutes for a summer and now 16 months later he is watching porn and I found escort’s website on his computer….. which he says he used as porn…..my son doesn’t seem to understand this isn’t about porn and just because his dad was " good" for a year he is lapsing into old behaviors and this is part of his addiction.

7 comments posted: Wednesday, February 19th, 2025

Where do I post???? No long reconciliation

I had moved over to the reconciliation group because you know…I had the " recovery poster boy" until last Friday …..now am I just found out or general or ? He’s out of the house and the damage is irreparable

3 comments posted: Monday, February 17th, 2025

DDay 2

Well…here I am again and I can’t believe it. My "perfect husband" who had a mental health crisis for a summer but did a 180 and he has lost 30 lb and stopped drinking and is Superman…….who watched me devastated after 25 yrs of marriage, broken, and declaring his deep love and devotion swore he would never let this happen again……. Just returned from his business trip abroad……where he called me 3x a day, but I had a feeling. Found a private browser on his computer with 2 escorts site up and porn. I’m DEVASTATEd..my friend came and got me . Gave him an hour to get out of my house , my friend spent the night. Now I need to get smart. Fortunately I had a therapy appt scheduled 30 min after my discovery 9 yeah God!)

I have contacted ‘the’ Lawyer

I have a copy of our financials from when we did our will last year

I’m trying to be smart while being devastated

My young adult children do not know. 21 and 25…they live in other cities and I did not want this on them . They knew their dad had a mental health crisis and it affected our marriage. My son especially wasn’t buying it but I held fast. Now I need to tell him. I don’t know how much to share and we are close and he will be angry at me not telling him sooner :(

My daughter is a senior in college. She has long covid, adores her dad, is very sensitive and I’m worried for her.

Advice appreciated…..and what else do I need to be doing?

I really need help

14 comments posted: Sunday, February 16th, 2025

Well…..DDay 2

I just posted yesterday about my husband violating my boundaries by getting a massage while travelling…….. found escorts and porn on his computer, told him to leave, my friends are here for a sleepover and I’m a little drunk. I called a lawyer. I’m done. Spent `14 months at rock bottom and held this family together…..I’m out

8 comments posted: Saturday, February 15th, 2025

Boundary Consequence

I havent posted in a while...we are 16 months post DDay and I'm slowly healing with WH also doing "all the right things" .....for the most part. I went off the antidepressants I was on for 10 months and feel so much better- less reactive and anxious ( which is not my nature despite the trauma Ive been though) The antidepressants made it worse

Things have been going well.....Wh just went on an international business trip - the type hes been avoiding since DDay , but he needed to go and I was ready for some alone time. One thing I said was I did not feel comfortable with him getting a massage while abroad. We get massage monthly for health reasons. Usually he would do this but I am no longer comfortable especially since he travels to parts of the world where there are cheap nefarious massage places. Now he has never gotten any "extras" that I know of , but still...after visiting prostitutes for a summer its a new boundary. I even scheduled one for when he got home with a professional massage therapist.So, he calls me one morning, I was barely awake, and says he has the morning off and was by the pool and was going to try and get a massage. This is "normal" for us and during his travels but in my foggy state I just said he probably couldnt get an appt with a professional at the last minute. It didnt register with me.....untl later. He is saying I said it was ok which is not the case and I was clear about the boundary before he left. I just feel like he's gonna do what he wants and disregard how I feel despite that conversation. Is this just not a big deal; I have a history of minimizing my feelings in the spirit of not "wanting to be a nag" and "letting him" do what hes gonna do but things are different now. Id appreciate some feedback on this.....

12 comments posted: Saturday, February 15th, 2025

Did a polygraph and or a Postnup help Reconciliation

As I am working on my healing….giving myself some grace as my nervous system still is out of whack….Im wondering if a Polygraph and or a Postnup was helpful for those of you who have successfully reconciled. Did it help rebuild trust….

9 comments posted: Wednesday, January 1st, 2025

Husband choosing friend over me …

I’m curious how some of you would feel about this.

During my husband, summer of acting out, he was drinking very heavily and had a longtime friend from when he was in his 20s ( now 57) who he was also spending a lot of time with. They went to concerts and got drunk. This guy came to our house, got completely wasted and made some inappropriate comments which my college age daughter overheard. I was furious. We’ve always both agreed that this friend is kind of "a pig." But my husband said he had boundaries with him and that they were a long time friends. My husband tends to do that. He holds onto his friends from college days, but does not make a lot of new friends

So as we have gone through this very challenging year, and while he is in therapy and doing everything he can do, I did not realize he was still talking to his friend at least once a week. He also informed me that he’s going skiing with him next week. He had brought this up to me and I told him I was not really happy about it. I’m stuck between two things 1. Let him do what he’s gonna do and just continue to watch his behaviors 2. Make a stand and make sure he’s very clear on my feelings about the situation. If he does not get to go skiing, he’s gonna be angry and I’m not really too worried about that. I now associate this friend to be of poor moral character and integrity. AND I did say something to him a few days ago and he said "I’m not going to stop being friends with Ron " so …… to me it sounds like he is not prioritizing me and us. He has other friends who are supportive of our marriage Thoughts ?

Editing to add said friend does not know about infidelity :( he told none of his friends 🤷‍♀️yet talks to them weekly 🤷‍♀️

5 comments posted: Wednesday, January 1st, 2025

Me again…sigh….Just not feeling it….even the WS doing everything right

Ive posted this before…My WS was the poster "boy" ( man) of what to do when you have betrayed your spouse. Immediate confession, no trickle truth, remorse, IC, reading, learning growing, stopped drinking and lost weight . All the things I would have liked him to do over our 25 yr marriage - when he dismissed my "push" for healthier lifestyles…….but I just feel ……nothing. I dont see myself out of this relationship but I honestly feel that I now know what he is made of and capable of………it was me holding this family together. Now that he is stepping up it feels a little too late…..I dont see him the same . His one summer of seeing prostitutes violated all trust and who I thought we "were"…….hes doing great, Im just getting by. And I get angry that he is doing so well. Not sure what Im looking for here….just sad and tired.

17 comments posted: Saturday, December 28th, 2024

Why do I feel likeI have to take a bullet to save my family?

For those who know my story- married 25 years…post covid caught my WH in his new found hobby of prostitutes…..over a course of 3 months….Im one of the "lucky ones" no gas lighting, no trickle truth…he broke down- admitted all and immediately when on a path to healing ( IC, courses, reading, stop drinking, started exercising, full transparency ) I think we trauma bonded the first year while also trying to protect our college aged kids.

We are now at 15 months post DDay and I feel nothing. I have no desire for intimacy and just want to be left alone. I have hobbies and am involved in community activities as well as have good friends—right now I feel nothing towards him. Went to IC yesterday and she said something that stuck me— that perhaps the "amazing marriage" I had before all this- where we were both so strong and independent, wasn’t so amazing. Perhaps I was just strong enough to be the glue and the center - and now I dont want to do that anymore. My husband adores me and is so grateful Im still here, but I feel like I’m here because I simply dont want to put my family through the pain. I know it’s NOT my fault but I can’t seem to see the other side if we did separate. So I stay put and feel a bit like "I’ll take the bullet" I can handle it. I do believe I’d leave if anything happened again, Im trying to rebuild, I just realize he’s not the person I thought he was and I am disappointed.

Anyone else been here.???

20 comments posted: Monday, December 23rd, 2024

Working towards reconciliation but just not sure I can get over this….

We are 14 months post DDay. My WS is one of those who has done everything" right" - full disclosure ( 3 months prostitutes) , IC, reading, online courses, supposedly being transparent although Im not big on spending my energy tracking him or even monitoring him 24/7. I do occasionally pick up his iPad. Maybe 6 times in 14 months. Some of you may recall in Oct (early) I found a bunch of lingerie shopping on his iPad. About 10 open tabs and nothing crazy just little chemise gowns etc….which I never wear and if he thought about it- am not interested. This was definitely for HIM but I do believe he was trying to shop for me ( he has bought me a few things before which I dont wear and frustrated me because that is not who I am). That was a HUGE drama and "trigger" for me…lots of apologies, acknowledgement of my feelings etc. NOW he has been hiding his IPad for 2 months. Under the couch in his office, under the cushions, etc. at first I ignored it but when I confronted him- again he is remorseful saying it was stupid but he 1. Didn’t want me to get triggered, then he said 2. He was CHristmas shopping for me……….then that he was shopping in general. Im stuck with feeling so awful and my nervous system freaking out and then thinking Im overreacting and its not that big of a deal. Thing is even without the infidelity- in our 26 yr marriage I overlooked a lot. His early years partying when away on business, just his "party boy" persona in general while I was the dutiful mom (we lived overseas for years- no support system) So these little things are now adding up and Im just tired of it. I dont want a divorce but Im not sure Ill ever trust or feel the same way about him…..Im sick of the BS. :( but wondering if Im seeking perfection and he is doing the work with these "little" (?) slip ups. Everytime he is gutted. He says he is working on it with his therapist and his childhood trauma ( which is real). Just tired of crying and feeling bad and taking the high road.

8 comments posted: Thursday, December 5th, 2024

My husband was lingerie shopping online for me..

We are 14 mos. Post DDay - for the most part have been doing well although lately WS has not been forthcoming about a recent "pop up" on his computer that I found or about a recent "urge" that he waited 2 weeks to share…..when I saw the "pop up" there were also about 10 lingerie sites up and he said he was Christmas shopping for me. I am SOOO offended by this- I feel objectified. We have had no problems in this area and I dont wear sexy lingerie for his pleasure. I dont like it. Im fit and very much a "natural girl" but this feels very creepy to me- like he is fantasizing and being "creepy" …..am I wrong?

6 comments posted: Saturday, November 2nd, 2024

Feeling very low today- exhausted

We are past year one of Dday and things have been going well as WSd plunged head first into the work of healing himself understanding himself and taking care of me after this huge betrayal….one of the reasons , maybe the biggest reason I stayed is not just that I truly love him but to spare my young adult children the pain of watching their parents marriage of 25 years crumble. My family is my heart. I had a real awakening this weekend when I went to visit my 24 yr old son who is struggling. I now this is a difficult time in life- he has a great job and pays his own way- the issue is he is so "ugly" towards me. Waiting to pounce on any comment. I was excited to see his new apt and when I went in it was squalor- nice apt but dishes piled in the sink and filthy. He’s just been there a month. He wanted to go work out ( yes after we had an arranged time for our arrival) so WS and I said "sure, we will wait" and offered to help out while he was gone ….we had nothing to do. He immediately jumped down my throat for criticisms him ( when I just wanted to run the vacuum) and later said mean things to me like "you were only a good mom when we were young" . This whole scene just pushed me over the edge. I feel that I put my family first and am shocked what I have had to bear from them. I am not a wimp- I can stand up for myself. I also understand that at this age they "soil the nest" but this is unusually brutal and angry. My WS tried to mediate which makes me furious. Honestly we should have just left.

Im just feeling that it is so unfair that I am taking all this abuse- my WS, my son who has had everything given to him. I’m VERY low and having a hard time snapping out of this. I feel like I need to tell my son that he is no longer welcome here if he can’t manage his emotions. - It is so hard when I have worked so hard to keep the family together. WS did stick up for me but also— many things he has promised me are starting to fade ( he had stopped drinking but is now occasionally having a drink when out, said he’d start taking care of himself but the exercise and better eating habits have faded….I just can’t be the battery anymore for these humans — I feel crushed. I also am finding it interesting that I am focusing on WS in this also- which he probably thinks if unfair but I can’t help but see it when Im taking so much from my son also. I guess Im not early asking anything, writing is just therapeutic and I am just sharing here when I wouldn’t share this with anyone else. 😢 Im sad

14 comments posted: Wednesday, October 30th, 2024

Rough day after 1st anniversary of Dday

We are one week out from our 1 year since DDay- when I found out my WH was seeing escorts ( 3 x last summer) he is one of the few who immediately got into therapy, healing and full disclosure. He’s been doing well….but….

He has always had this sort of secret side. I was busy home raising kids, he a traveling executive , great whe he was home, partying internationally when not. I think I may have a lot of resentment about the double life which I tolerated until I found out about last summer.

We have been working hard…..but he is so not self aware. What triggered me was he had a Dr. appt in the same town (about 45 min away- we live outside a major city) and this is the place where he saw escorts in the hotels there. He would then go to a CHinese buffet ( self soothing with sex and food). He promised to just text me , update me on his day — I was busy and appreciated the transparency. When I didn’t hear from him for a while I checked location services to see if he was still at his Dr appt…..he was at the Chinese buffet!!!!!!! I lost it.!!!! First of all- we dont eat that way, greased fried food and second of all WTF???? Just makes me feel he has always had this secret side….sneaking off to do what he wants…..It is SOOO not about the food…..it’s about the transperancy. If he had called or texted and said "Hey, done early, can’t head to next appt yet so gonna stop in and see if I can find a healthy option at xxxxx" I would have said "good luck lol" but instead he resorted to old behavior……this trigger has knocked me to my knees today—if you want to rebuild trust then be where you say you are going to be and do what you say you are gonna do.

Im so tired of crying and feeling like shit. I feel like all is well and Im healing then he pulls this kind of careless crap. :( Just sad and frustrated….and a bit pissed off.

4 comments posted: Thursday, September 12th, 2024

Needing support- Reconciled but continued lying

We are almost 1 yr post DDay. From Day 1 my husband took responsibility for his acting out last summer. No trickle truth and immediately went into therapy. ( he saw escorts last summer ) now before anyone says "oh I bet this wasn’t the first time, pls leave it, we have worked through all that and I believe him. We have been in couples therapy for 7 months.

I am a massage therapist and our whole family get massage regularly. He has had severe back pain and after being away on a business trip , went to an Asian massage business for his back. All that is ok with me except the place he went to has a sketchy reputation AND he didn’t tell me he went. I spoke with him 4x that day - he calls a lot while away in business . He said he was afraid to tell me 🤷‍♀️ and then as time went on he was nervous to tell me. 🤷‍♀️ so weird. I’m all for massage. It doesn’t make sense he didn’t tell me- he is saying that he was wrong should have told me and is sorry. He also has been self soothing with food as I found numerous charges on a cc I don’t usually check

He is so upset. I’m so angry. He said he is working on being transparent but it’s taking time and his dad used to do the same. I am heartbroken and frustrated that I have to deal with this sh*t when I thought we were through it 🤦‍♀️ any encouragement appreciated. I’m trying to not "throw out the baby with the bath water" we have had a great few months and are planning a big Christmas getaway where we considered renewing our vows. 25 yrs married 😢

26 comments posted: Monday, August 12th, 2024

Struggling- next week is 25th wedding anniversary

Hi all

We have been in recovery and working towards reconciliation after my husbands breakdown and subsequent alcohol/porn/prostitute use. We had 24 amazing years together and then this happened and now a year of hell. He immediately was shocked back into reality and started therapy and self work as well as being 100% supportive of me.

As we approach this big day- I feel so sad. I was very proud of my family. Of the life we created. My other family members are all divorced and we are the ones who "made it" . I was doing so much better but Im right back to just being so so sad. 25 years- I was so excited.

Then Dday is early Sept so I have the whole summer to replay and feel sad. UGH . and I sorta get the feeling he feels like "we got this" and all this is past but I see trickles of him being inpatient with me, slacking a bit in his morning meditations and therapy....Im not trying to control him but Im watching.

I guess Id just like to hear from others who have been here...

3 comments posted: Thursday, June 13th, 2024

Beginning of Summer from Hell….anniversary

My D day was 9/2023. BUT the infidelity started in 5/2023 and lasted for the summer. We have had great moments of healing, consistent and unwavering commitment for healing from WS and I felt like maybe this was a blip in a 25 yr marriage ( Im not downplaying- I know this was serious and hurtful). I felt I was healing but now a few weeks out from when he went to his first escort, Im spiralling. I’m stuck AGAIN in the "how could he do this to us?" Mode and sadly…I do love him, the father of my children and imagine I always will- but I don’t feel the same. I dont look at him as my rock, I see him as someone who it will take years to get to the level of self awareness that i deserve and am just feeling so sad. He doesn’t know what else to do except be consistent and I am unsure if it’s just the approaching one year mark that is triggering me. Would love to hear from others who have been here….

Pls refrain from the "Oh I bet he was doing this before last summer" and "once a cheater always a cheater" because that is not helpful to me. I believe he had a mental breakdown from trauma…..1000% but not sure where this leave me/us.

16 comments posted: Saturday, May 11th, 2024

Got got snooping ….

My WS and I (married 24 years) are working hard on reconciliation and doing very well … last night he was out (I knew where he was am encouraged the activity /community time ) I saw his iPad and started snooping.

This morning he was moody. We worked out together and he seemed off. I went to him and said "something’s up and it’s making me feel insecure" which he shared he had seen inwas snooping because I left his email acct open. He was ok with it but admitted it bothered him because we were doing so well …. Yes, but t also I feel like I’ve betrayed his trust and messed things up 🤦‍♀️. He reassured me that it is ok and part of the process but I’m embarrassed and feel awful. Im annoyed he walked around sulking and festering for 3 hrs Ugh could use some support

Also this is the month all this started last year and he was heavy Into porn and then prostitutes last summer

20 comments posted: Saturday, May 4th, 2024

New Beginning for those who were married 20plus years…

I was a stay at home mom and wife- Im educated, sharp, but this was a lifestyle choice that worked for our family. I was very good at it! Then DD. My WS wanted to repair things but I just couldn’t move forward and am at the point of creating a new life that is a healthier fit for me. We are well off financially but I know my quality of life will decrease, which is fine, and I have a part time job but am nervous because Im 59 , still have a lot of years, and can’t really support myself. Would love to hear from others who have rebuilt their lives- found peace, a fulfilling life as a divorced, empty nester in midlife.

5 comments posted: Friday, April 5th, 2024

WOrking on it but finding myself so angry with WH

We are just 4 months post DD. (my husband was sleeping with escorts- 3x this summer) I was completely shocked. 25 year very happy marriage....blindsided.

After initial shock, I resorted to I love him- something is wrong, he is suffering from trauma and depression, so I have been committed to working on things. Both in IC and MC. He had done everything right ( full disclosure, immediate IC, joined online groups for WS, exercising, taking care of himself, zero alcohol ( he was def. a party boy) and taking care of me....

But I feel so angry. Im triggered by EVERYTHING- just relaxing and watching tv on same couch we were doing the same this summer while he was sneaking off for his dates. Looking back, we were still spending time together - walking, talking, dates etc.....so now I feel just so betrayed and pissed. I put my family on a pedistool and this is what I get? I understand healing takes time, but this is a huge load to carry- and Im drowning in it. I am so angry that he has jeopardized our family.....and my mental health. I was happy and content with life.....now Im so miserable and can't seem to move forward. UGH

20 comments posted: Sunday, January 14th, 2024

Working towards Reconciliation-- but just not sure

DD was Sept 3 2023. Husband had seen escorts while on business trips 3 times this summer. Almost from that day I have felt that my husband of 25 years is doing everything he can to work on himself, save our marriage, and made amends to me. I have listened and been receptive. He is in IC, I am in IC and we re in MC. These past 3 weeks I have cried almost nonstop.....after initially thinking we'd be ok.....I'm now just so sad and disappointed in him and am not sure I want a future where this is part of the story. Ive spent too much time worrying about his mental health, my adults college aged kids finding out and need to focus on my own healing. I have done my work many years ago and am frustrated that he is just beginning to heal childhood wounds and trauma that got us here.....just not sure Im up for it. :( I always thought we were rock solid, we had an affectionate loving marriage - no clue he would be trying to fill some apparent void in himself .....with alocohol porn and escorts. He stopped everything the day I found out and he's doing "great...but at my expense. Im just not sure I believe in us anymore.

12 comments posted: Thursday, December 28th, 2023

2 months but feels like yesterday - 25 yrs and now infidelity

I posted a few weeks ago.....but am back after reading a lot. Im miserable. I cry most mornings -8 weeks after DD. I am exerising, eating well, taking care but thats about it.

My husband who I love dearly hired escorts-- just over this summer 2023-- not once but 3 separate times. He is remorseful, full disclosure, been in therapy since day 2, in a group online , reading books recommended and deeply sorry and hurting for me. He has a lot of childhood trauma he is dealing with and swears he wants to do whatever it takes.

I was originally numb, then empathetic, now I cry most mornings and just can't imagine how I can get through this-- he did this 3 times!!! I remember him leaving for meetings and returning- not knowing what the meetings were.

My adult children also do not know- I dont want to share my trauma but Im a bit withdrawn ( they live out of town) and I feel like it will affect the whole family if I dont get unstuck. Anyone else been in this situation?

10 comments posted: Saturday, November 4th, 2023

Almost 25 Years and now devastation

I was shocked to find out a few weeks ago my husband (where can I learn the abbreviations) has been seeing escorts for a few months. Right after vacations, graduations- important and loving family celebrations. We have two college aged children. We've had a wonderful life and I was looking forward to growing older together. He admitted everything, immediately went into Therapy, Coaching, full disclosure of phones etc. I guess you'd say he is doing all the right things. Apparently this is all built up trauma, including long haulers covid, childhood trauma and more. This lead to porn during the lockdown and now this. When I found the appt confirmation on his phone I started shaking. I was in shock. I confronted him immediately and the next day went for STD testing and a boozy lunch with a friend. Ive spoken with a lawyer. I am in counseling. All the THINGS but am just still in shock that the man I have loved for 25 years has gone down this road.....we have a beautiful life. When he talks about his own healing and building a new relationship I get angry- I was happy! I did my "work" and healing years ago and have been committed to this family. In some ways, I suppose my strength has been holding us all together ......now Im frustrated in limbo while he gets help. I'm supposed to wait and see if he sticks with "the work" and then we can go to marriage counselling. So....sit around and wait for him. It feels so unfair. I have the tools I need and am taking care of myself but Ive lost weight (that I didnt need to) and feel myself isolating from friends. He's doing well in his recovery- but Im resentful that it's all at my expense

No idea if Im doing this correctly and just letting words come out unedited - my brain hasn't functioned right in weeks. Thanks for listening

18 comments posted: Thursday, September 28th, 2023