180 Update

So last night, I told my WS that he if wanted space, he had to start sleeping out of the house. I told him that hearing him on the phone with his sister like everything is normal, or watching tv in the frog while I'm in my bedroom spiraling is hurting me. He said I told you I would find a place next week after the soccer tournament we have this weekend. I said ok fine. Retreated to the bedroom for the night. This morning, I run into him the kitchen and say good morning. He replies and we have a short chat about kid logistics. Then I say I'm leaving for work... he holds out his arms for a hug which I do. He holds me and I start to cry... so I just suck it in and leave.

This is so freaking hard.

28 comments posted: Sunday, March 23rd, 2025

Marriage Helper

Thanks to social media’s algorithms, my feed is full of ads for courses and coaches that promise to save my marriages. Like Marriage Helper, and the relatio app, and this infidelity coach etc. Any one try one of these and have success? Or are they just scams to get money preying on sad souses who just want their happy marriage back??

5 comments posted: Sunday, March 23rd, 2025

Failing at the 180 Already

So for the second time, I have caught my WS communicating with his AP since D-Day #1. I am furious. I decided he had to go. I was going to do the 180. He has told me that he knows he is sick and he is going to fix himself on his own without my help and win me back even if it takes years. He stayed with my mom one night because she's a freaking saint. But he still works at home so I said fine. He can work at home, since I'm at work then anyway. Well after one night out of the house, he says can I just stay in the frog (which is our guest room / his office) and I agree. Our kids schedule is so hectic that I need him here anyway to get them everywhere they need to go. However, I am failing at the 180 already. He didn't sleep at all last night, had a migraine and so this morning, I got him medicine. Then he texts me at work having a panic attack so I talk him through that. I know he's all jacked up, all kinds of problems including low testosterone that our insurance won't cover injections yet for. But I'm supposed to be leaving him to his own devices to heal himself and on day three, I am already failing. I love him so much and he's so much pain that I can't seem to stop helping him!!!!!! What do I do? I mean, I know I should just ignore him but I can't seem to.

26 comments posted: Sunday, March 16th, 2025

Sometimes I hate him

Sometimes I just hate my WH. Like with a fury. Like I wish I could punch him right in the face. Especially when I’m upset and he’s acting like my being upset is the problem and not what he did that caused it. I wonder if this is all a lost cause and I should just give up. Right now I’ve taken an odd cocktail of meds to calm down and help me sleep and I almost hope it works too well. I feel heartbroken and angry.

6 comments posted: Thursday, March 6th, 2025

Trigger

This morning I picked up my WS phone just to look at his text messages...something I do once in awhile with his blessing. I saw a message that said, "Sorry I was in the shower. I thought you said you would be free of her soon." The number was not stored in his phone and I did not recognize. Additionally, it gave the option to delete and report as junk. When I tell you my stomach dropped, I mean, it DROPPED. I said what the hell is this? He said oh its a spam text, I get them sometimes and I just delete them. And then he calls the number back in front of me and lo and behold, it's a telemarketer. And it is true that I have gotten weird texts like this before and just deleted them. But omg, I was so triggered (I hate that work but it fits). Now I believe him... but I am also like what if????? So what do I do? Just keep cautiously trying to trust him or freak out and spin off into the atmosphere?

19 comments posted: Thursday, March 6th, 2025

Advice Needed

I need some advice or support or just hope really. I’ve spent the months since D-day trying desperately to fix my husband and his depression in the hope that if I can fix him, I can save the marriage. Which is what I felt like I needed to heal myself and feel safe. However, I’ve come to understand with help of my IC that I can’t fix him or do the work for him. He has to do it. And he is…. Not the way I would like him to do it but he is doing it. The problem there is that his best friend from high school died unexpectedly in a freak accident so he is also grieving that. And we just discovered that his testosterone is super low so he has an appointment next week to begin treatment for that.

So if I’m going to let him focus on healing himself and doing the work to become a safe partner, then I need to focus on myself. But I don’t know how!! I know that sounds weird but for so many years I’ve focused on him and my two girls. I don’t even know what I want to do when I have free time. I love to read but it’s hard to concentrate. I just feel like I can’t relax or focus on anything else with all this crap hanging over my head. I’m just in so much pain that i literally want to crawl in my bed and never ever get up. Since that’s not a feasible option, what can I do?

22 comments posted: Saturday, February 8th, 2025

When your kids find out...

I have tried really hard to conceal my WS affair from my two daughters. He is a wonderful father and they adore him. And although he broke my heart, I did not want to ruin his relationship with them. However, it has been hard to hide things from them as they are naturally nosey and also, I spent a ton of time crying since I found out in May. Since I'm a natural crier, I have been able to explain away most of it. My mother, however, wanted us to tell them because she didn't want them to think I was the problem, that he should have to take some of the heat too. However, my IC and I both wanted to keep this from them to protect them.

Well, that exploded in my face last week when I found the recent texts between my WS and AP. We were all together in the car, out of town for Christmas, and I just lost it. I tried to hold onto my anger until we got away from the girls but I could not. I started yelling at him that he was talking to "her" again and that this time I was done. He managed to pull over by the beach and we got out of the car to further discuss away from the kids. Meanwhile, they are crying and calling my mom for support. My youngest (12) said, "I didn't know he was that kind of man." My oldest (16) ended up getting out of the car, putting my sobbing ass in the car, and chewing her father out for a good ten minutes, telling him he better fix this.

Now as far as I can tell, they think he was just talking to another woman. We did not give details and they didn't ask. In fact, since that incident, they haven't said anything about it. The only time it came up was a few days ago when my older daughter and were shopping for a formal dress and she worried that her dad would be mad if it was too much money. And then she said, well he can't because he's done worse.

Now I know this is not my fault. He's the one who chose to risk our family again and again. I wish I had not had that outburst in front of them so that is my fault. My youngest is already in therapy for her ADHD so she has someone professional to speak to and now I have scheduled my oldest for therapy as well. We might as all be in therapy.

I guess my question is... have I ruined their lives by letting them find out about this? What else can I do to protect them?

12 comments posted: Thursday, January 9th, 2025

Relapse??

Found out a few days ago that my husband had been texting his AP. It had been six months since he ended the affair and he said this was just a mistake. He’s now working harder to fix us and himself: joined a men’s support group, went back to his old therapist, gave me full access to his devices. But I’m so hurt. I thought we were past him doing dumb shit. Is this just a blip in our recovery or a sign that he’ll never change?

16 comments posted: Tuesday, January 7th, 2025

How do you know when to throw in the towel?

How do you know when reconciliation isn’t going to work? What were the signs?

10 comments posted: Sunday, December 1st, 2024

Struggle Bus

Today I am riding the struggle bus. It’s not just the A but work is in a stressful place, my kids are stressing me, my mom is stressing me, I just have way too much going on. Woke up to a full blown panic attack. My husband assumed it was just about the A… because well, that does happen. But I just feel overwhelmed by my whole damn life. Wish I could just go to sleep and wake up and it be over. Please if anyone has any words of encouragement, I could use them.

8 comments posted: Friday, November 15th, 2024

First Overnight Away

So I am spending two nights away from my WS at a work conference. One night down. It makes me anxious to be away from him for too long so this is a huge step for me. God I just want to feel normal!!!

2 comments posted: Thursday, November 7th, 2024

Support from Friends

I haven’t told many people about our situation. But one very good friend or so I thought knows what’s happened. Today I randomly texted her and said I feel so broken. And she said this:

Don’t make yourself vulnerable. Stop being a victim. You chose to stay with him, you’re going to have to let it go.

Here is where I said I am trying but it still hurts.

I’m sure it does but if you are going to stay with him, you have to find a way. You have to find a way to find yourself again…to be who you used to be. You don’t have to prove yourself to him.

Tough love? I don’t feel like talking about how sad I am once in awhile is making myself victim. Is it??

9 comments posted: Tuesday, November 5th, 2024

Todays Trigger

I need to get something off my chest because I don’t have anyone else to talk to. My husband went hunting today with our daughter, and after they left, I noticed his iPad was still at home. We’ve set a boundary that I’m not supposed to check his devices without telling him first, and I really tried not to. But I gave in and looked at his email, where I found a Cash App receipt for $25 sent to someone I didn’t recognize.

When they came back because he forgot something, I asked him about it, and he was confused, asking how I knew. So, I had to admit that I looked at his iPad. At first, he was upset, saying he’s not hiding anything, but then he said if checking makes me feel better, it’s okay and that he understands. He explained the transaction was a donation to his old high school, with proof.

While his response was understanding, I still feel really upset. I hate that I feel so suspicious all the time. My therapist says it will get better, but I’m constantly afraid that something bad is going to happen.

11 comments posted: Sunday, October 20th, 2024

Online Courses

Has anyone tried one of the online courses or even in person weekends for affair recovery? I’ve seen ones called Harboring Hope and a few others. I am in IC and so is my WS but I wondered if I should try one of those to help my healing along. I’m doing fairly well but I still have a lot down moments.

1 comment posted: Thursday, September 12th, 2024

It feels ruined

I feel like I’ve been posting a lot but I love the support and advice I get here. Last night my 12 year old daughter was watching old videos of herself and her sister on the tv (she was screen mirroring from my phone). And my heart hurt so bad. Not just because my girls are growing up but because I feel like my WH has ruined our story…. There’s a big black mark on our life that will never go away. My IC says it’s not the whole story, it’s just a bad chapter. But it’s hard not to feel like our family is just ruined. How do I deal with this???

13 comments posted: Thursday, August 29th, 2024

Trial Separation

I’ve been having a rough week. Had a bad kidney infection and just not good mentally at all. My mom thinks I may need to be committed and my WH thinks we need a break to refocus. Like me spend a week at my moms house and be stays home with our girls. He thinks it would be good for both us. But it feels like a rejection. I don’t know what to do. Advice?

8 comments posted: Sunday, August 25th, 2024

Really Struggling Today

Sometimes I don’t know if we are going to work out. He’s still so angry about stuff from our past and his past and he says he doesn’t even love himself and sometimes he doesn’t feel anything. So how can he love me? I’m trying so hard to be patient with him but it’s so hard. Because I need his support so bad right now and sometimes it seems like he can’t give it to me.
He has IC for the first time in two weeks this morning because he was transferring back to his old therapist and it took awhile. So I’m hoping that helps. But I just feel like I’m doing all the emotional work. And I feel like I’m drowning.

9 comments posted: Friday, August 16th, 2024

Dealing with WH Depression

My WH is dealing with his depression and anxiety right now. This has been an ongoing battle since even before the affair. I’ve been begging him for years to get help, therapy or medication but at first he was resistant because he was in the military and that used to be very frowned upon. I know for sure that this is what contributed to his infidelity. Now he is doing all the work that I previously asked for and I can see that he is changing and getting better. The problem is we can’t seem to get him on the right meds to help him feel better and I know that his shame and remorse is also weighing him down. So some days he withdraws some and is quieter and less connected to me. And that triggers me big time. I start to catastrophize thinking one bad day means that’s it, it’s never going to get better. Which I know we all have bad days… if you’ve seen any of my posts you know I do all the time. And then sometimes I feel like he shouldn’t have room to feel bad because he’s the one who hurt us so deeply. Or if he had just listened to me 15 years ago when I first begged him to do counseling we wouldn’t have ended up here. Many days I feel hopeful and connected but not all of them. How do I keep myself from always thinking the worst? How do I give him grace to heal too when I still feel like there’s knife in my chest?

3 comments posted: Wednesday, August 7th, 2024

Not strong enough

I just had two really good days. We spent the whole weekend together and it was great. He took me to a doctor’s appointment this morning and we had a great morning. And then for no reason that I can tell I just started spiraling. I went to kohls while my daughter is at soccer practice and I saw these picture frames that said THIS IS OUR STORY and all I could think is our story is ruined. Now I’m sobbing in the car waiting for my daughter this be done. Maybe I’m not strong enough to do this. I don’t want to leave him but I don’t want to hurt anymore. I just don’t want to do any of this.

10 comments posted: Tuesday, July 16th, 2024

Black Hole

So far I have figured out that I feel pretty good when my WH is focusing all his attention on me. Which he has been doing as much as he can. Unfortunately he still has work and we have other responsibilities… so then if he’s busy with work, I start to feel sad and lonely and then I start spiraling. I feel like a black hole that is never going to have enough attention and love to feel normal. Like I’m always going to feel like a walking wound… I’m so tired of the weight in my chest… please someone tell me this gets easier. I hate feeling so damn needy.

5 comments posted: Friday, July 12th, 2024

Need Advice

So I’ve been the victim of some trickle truth and it’s put me right back at ground zero. I cannot hardly function. Bad news is I’m supposed to leave for a work conference tomorrow through Sunday. I don’t think I can do it. I feel like I cannot even get out of bed again. So do I lie to get out of it or do I suck it up and go?? I want to get out of it but I hate letting people down. One of my best work colleagues is going and she will be disappointed.

5 comments posted: Monday, July 8th, 2024

The Trauma Diet

So I’ve been trying to lose my baby weight for years but it clung to me stubbornly for awhile. Then I started making simple life style changes and it began coming off slowly which is great right? So over the last two and a half years, I’ve lost over 50 pounds. Then when I had D day, I couldn’t eat hardly at all for a long time. So now people who don’t know are like you look so amazing??! What are you doing??? OMG
And a sick twisted part of myself wants to say… OMG HAVE YOU TRIED THE TRAUMA DIET??? it’s so easy! Just find out your husband cheated on you and losing weight is so easy!!! And then just watch their face…
I’m having a dark humor day.

7 comments posted: Wednesday, June 26th, 2024

Weird question tonight…. Lately the only thing that helps me feel relaxed and semi-normal is being with my WS. I don’t now if it

Weird question tonight…. Lately the only thing that helps me feel relaxed and semi-normal is being with my WS. I don’t now if it’s because we have been doing so well together or what. I even thought well maybe it’s because then I am sure of what he’s doing. But I don’t think that’s it or maybe not all of it. I even had a hard time spending the day with my daughters today because I wanted to be with him. Will this pass?

9 comments posted: Friday, June 21st, 2024

Can't Stop Thinking About AP

My WS and I are in the process of reconciling and building our marriage into a better one. He is doing everything he can to show remorse and support me. He's going to counseling. He's listening to podcasts. I really have no complaints about how he is handling things for us. However, I can tell that when I bring up the A or ask a question about it, he feels shame and sadness. Now, he doesn't ask me to stop, he says I can talk as much as I need to but I also don't want to ruin our time together with sad talk since right now we are doing so well together. I guess my question is, how can I stop thinking about the AP? I just can't seem to get this woman out of my head and it probably doesn't help that I know her.

31 comments posted: Wednesday, June 12th, 2024