SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel like lately I’ve been reading posts here of people who are well beyond the 2-5 year mark, but they don’t appear to be healed. Obviously, there will be some exceptions to this, but I’m curious why some people don’t "progress" years after the initial discovery? I am in no way discrediting how one individually processes the trauma of infidelity, but I’m curious why there seems to be very minimal progress done to "get out" of infidelity. Reading some of these more recent posts makes me so sad that people literally waste their lives stuck because of someone else’s ignorance and destructive choices.

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 8:44 PM, Monday, December 2nd]

Oversimplified - you can be healed however the scar tissue can hurt like a MoFo at times and Phantom Pain can be a Bitch.

I am years out, healed and personally thriving. BUT...scar tissue can pull and tug at unexpected times. Phantom Pain is a thing as well.

Being healed is not necessarily synonymous with being pain free all the time. And there is no timeline for trauma.

Took me much longer than 5 years to heal.

My WH did everything right except for the TT, dumped AP, complete transparency, halted most of his travel, accountable for his whereabouts, found a new job....but I ended up getting a severe case of PTSD, not because of the A, but because many times he would not answer a question directly, and the frustration I felt sent me deep into the rabbit hole. I think childhood trauma played a role having lost my biological mother at 2.5 and growing up with an alcoholic father.

Honestly, I am 19 years out, and probably twice a year I still have a nightmare about the OW/WH. Maybe once a year, I still want to slap the sh*t out of my WH if I really think about the cost to me, our marriage, our family, his job, and so many other aspects of our lives.

FYI, I was out of infidelity within hours of discovery, my WH dumped OW like a hot potato. She lived on the opposite coast so perhaps that's why it was a bit easier because there was no way in hell I would have ever been comfortable with my WH traveling to her site again, so there was really no opportunity to continue the A. Also, my WH understood that it was either my way or the highway. I refused to be disrespected again, and if there was ever any further communication between them, his belongings would have been out the door.

In terms of "why don't people event get to the starting line of their healing journey?" the short answer is that many people in abusive relationships don't do anything about it. It's hard to do something about it. It takes time and effort. It takes bravery. It's most often not in a person's economic interest to separate. In the case where you have kids, infidelity doesn't count in establishing a pattern of abuse in getting custody, so you don't get to cut them out of your life either way, you still have to coparent. This gets weighed against staying in the relationship, and (as we often say around here) if you are willing to lose the marriage, you won't be able to R. The abuser has the leverage if they know you won't leave, and they will not stop as long as they have that leverage.

Also, when there is TT or a 2nd DDAY (or 3rd…), the clock goes back to zero. And as Chaos said, healed is like broken leg. All healed but when it’s rainy, you get an ache there. And that is likely for the rest of your life.

I took about 4-5 years from the final DDAY. I was MUCH better in years 2 and 3, but to really get to "indifferent" took a little longer.

It’s not a rule as such but more like a recognized timeframe for certain progress.

I think the two-year theory is found in a lot of trauma instances.
It’s said that if you lose a spouse it takes about 2 years before that grief isn’t controlling your sleep, you aren’t feeling guilty at not feeling sad, you are OK with going to dinner with friends and not focusing on the loss... Does not mean you are happy or content with the loss – more than you accepted it.
Same is said if you lose a child. Takes about two years before you see any purpose in drawing a breath.
Same with being fired unexpectedly. Takes two years before you lose a dread for the end-of-month fear of being let go from your new job.
Same with divorce... A large (but old by now) survey indicated that at the 12 month mark a majority regretted the divorce and/or said the grievances could have been handled without a divorce. Same group asked at the 18 month mark (close to 2 years...) stated that they were extremely happy with their decision.

I think the 2 year mark is more of a mark where we might have healed ourselves to a point where we can be clearer on what to do next.

--
I used to think I did the "perfect" relationship-ending after walking in on her having sex with OM. Left our apartment and NEVER entered it again (my bro got my stuff – still miss my 80’s LP’s...), and I guess we spent less than 20 hours together or talking after that. It took me about 6 months before I realized I would make it, and at about the 18 month mark I woke up and had to recall why I was supposed to feel sad... By my 2 year mark I was dating and felt healthy and normal.
Only... about 17 years after d-day – in my present marriage – I had issues that were directly related to the infidelity I experienced. I didn’t realize I had them and thought they were more related to other tough experiences I had. In other words – I "healed" about 17 years after d-day...

From my experience, I healed in that timeframe, but because I divorced. I don’t think I would have healed in that timeframe if I stayed, but it had more to do with my partner than my ability to heal. A bad partner not doing their part or leaving room for doubt can hinder the process. Actually, it will hinder the process. With that said, everything could be going perfectly right and you still might not heal because deep down, it was a dealbreaker. Basically, there’s no one-size-fits-all, and if you are not healing in that time., Maybe look at all of the factors, including whether you should or should not stay. Some people do heal just fine in that time. If not, maybe take a look around and decide or reevaluate whether it is right for you to stay or you would be better off not staying.

Lots of reasons:

Sometimes big trauma can reintroduce past trauma that has not been dealt with.

We all have different access to different resources. Sometimes that’s due to financial reasons, sometimes it’s a misunderstanding of what therapy is. There is stigma with needing help with coping and dealing with emotions, but it’s an injury as valid as a physical injury.

I think the entire first year is recovery. And as others have pointed out, you can be healed and still have things come up. Typically, the pain will lessen over that 2-5 year period.

Codependency.

Fear of change.

Staying because of obligations.

Not realizing the affair is trauma.

Blaming themselves

It’s all different.

I could go on.

I know where the question comes from though. Will I ever heal? Am I wasting my time? Is this even possible? All normal feelings and questions for those who find themselves living in the difficulties that come with uncertainty.

The best way to combat that is to keep working on finding that certainty in yourself. Work on making your life yours and portable from him.

I've thought about this same question and feel like lately I've noticed an increase in posts about long timers with DD2 after years and years and/or BWs/BHs deciding to go for D after years due to other reasons. I believe it might be my own confirmation bias partly. I have just passed the 2 year mark and so now I'm starting to notice more posters past that 'magic' 2 year mark that are not doing so well, while I previously perhaps more focused on posters in earlier days?

Also, as with most other forums online for support, I believe those who are doing the best are not here they are out there living their lives with less focus on infidelity. There are exceptions obviously, long timers that are here to support and help out even though they are themselves doing great by now (thank god for them!). But I do believe that with any support forum, if you compare those that have searched for and find themselves on forums looking for support for what ever it may be, are doing worse, than the average person having gone through that same issue.
What I mean is, statistically we know infidelity is rampant, unfortunately. Out of all those that have had a DD, probably not those doing best with recovery are here looking for support after years and years, they have moved on from it. They may have rug swept, or D, or be in R, but either way they have moved on. Those of us still here looking for support and comfort after years are probably those in a less good place. So my thought is that this forums (as any other suport forum for anything) posters are probably not a fair cross section of what the same group of people look like in general. Does that make sense?

I have a medical affliction that I've been on a support forum for for more than 10 years now. It's a fairly common affliction, about 30-40% of the adult population suffer from it at some point, however it is chronic and can be very severe. However, looking at how badly people with that affliction seem to be doing when reading the posts, I know you get a very grim picture of what life with that affliction is. Most posters are struggling, and that's why they are posting. I'd venture 99% of people who suffer with that affliction do better than most posters on that forum, and just get on with life despite it. It's the people struggling to cope with it that are on the forum mainly. I know this because IRL I know many with that same affliction that have never felt the need to even look for support about it, online or otherwise.

Conceptually, it took me a while to understand my own role in my healing.

And I always took the 2-5 years to heal as more of a guideline than a rule.

I have to add, when I first read that upon arrival, I didn’t think there was any way I could handle the level of pain for a few months, much less a few years.

For me, it was about year three when I got my swagger back, understood my agency and how much power I actually had to choose my path forward.

I don’t mean choosing happiness everyday, or some of the other internet bumper stickers. Happy is only part of the emotional spectrum, and I embrace the entire range of feelings every day.

However, I did learn I can choose my direction, my leaning and then adjust as needed.

I start every single day by choosing my path and hold a level of gratitude for a new day.

This is from someone who previously lived by the mantra, life sucks, then you die. I was awesome at misery — world class. Resentment free is a much better place to kick off each day.

Anger is still healthy, just in smaller doses. Sadness is a part of the deal, I process that and move on to the next moment.

But I get how people get stuck, I was for a long time.

Happy is only part of the emotional spectrum, and I embrace the entire range of feelings every day.

Well, there's that.

IMO, it's essential for the BS to feel the anger, grief, fear, and shame that come with being betrayed and process it out of their bodies. I read posts that say to me that the poster is still stuck in anger, probably due to some sort of Drama Triangle.

There's no question that the blame for an A belongs with the WS, but blaming doesn't do much for healing. The WS did the deed, but the pain belongs to the BS. There's nothing the WS can do to heal the BS except, at best, provide emotional support. And while D is appropriate punishment for the WS, it hurts the BS (and kids, too), if the BS wants to rebuild.

The anger is very real and well-earned by the WS, but as others have said above, healing requires dealing with the anger - and with the grief, fear, shame, and triggers of previous traumas, too.

The longer the BS delays facing their pain, the longer healing will take.

I’m 10 years out now, DD was 11/22/14. I’m doing fairly well but I still struggle a little bit. It continues to cross my mind every day, especially trying to fall asleep at night, and that frustrates me. I’ve worked so hard to get past it. Therapy, EMDR, antidepressants, etc. I’ve definitely done a lot of healing, but I still have a long way to go. It was a long term affair so I know my timeline will be longer.

One thing I feel has held me back is being resentful that 99% of the pain has always been mine to carry. 10 years is a long time to shoulder such a heavy burden. About year 2, WS started getting defensive anytime I brought up the affair, so I am cautious about bringing it up. I know I shouldn’t be, all of it is his fault and he shouldn’t be like that with me. But I just choose to let it be because I don’t want it to mess up what peace I’ve been able to find.

Another thing I’m hung up on is that WS won’t reveal to me what his true intentions were with the affair. It lasted somewhere between 6-7 years. She desperately wanted to be married and have kids. Why would she hold on for so many years if he wasn’t promising her something? Promising that they’d be together? He swears he never promised her anything but I just don’t know if I will ever believe that or that she was just in it for the fun of it. I suspect that he was waiting for our son to graduate from high school before leaving me to be with her but I threw a wrench into his plan by finding out. Just my gut feeling. I’m probably just settling on that as an answer since I don’t think I’ll ever get a straight one from him.

I’m thinking about going back to therapy again, but I’m just so damn exhausted from the years of processing the trauma and betrayal. It’s made my life and my soul heavy in a lot of ways.

I didn't heal until I divorced. Even if xWS had been remorseful the A would have stayed with me forever as long as I was around the perpetrator (WS). My dad says my mom's A still haunts him and that happened over 30 years ago. Everyone is different and heals differently. I am the type of person that ruminates and cannot let go of grievances against me.

It's a breath of fresh air being with someone new and starting over again. I personally never want that ball and chain (infidelity) around my ankle for the rest of my life.

Mlav69,

There’s an old bromide that might apply to your situation:

"Men will offer a relationship to get sex; women will offer sex to get a relationship."

Was your husband promising things? Probably. Did he mean those promises? Probably not. He just wanted to keep the sex coming.

Formerpeopleperson,

That is a very interesting point, thank you for helping me think about this. I’m really struggling at the 10 year mark and I’m not really sure why. Maybe because it’s a "milestone"? One thing I do know is that the affair made me question every cell of my being, my own reality, my intelligence, and my judgment. It altered my brain chemistry and my soul. I know I will forever have trouble understanding how someone can destroy another person’s mental health just for sex. The side effect of pursuing that gratification is it can turn into something deeply emotional which will surely traumatize the person you claim you "never stopped loving". It’s just so difficult for me to understand because I’m not built that way. It might just be something I’ll never recover from - and I just at this moment realized that’s why I’m struggling - I might still be right where I am in another 10 years. Holy cow, I just had an epiphany! I gotta go process this.

Thank you again! Best of luck on your journey, friend. Sorry we’re all here. 🥺

I'm 20 years out. My FWH was an almost ideal candidate for R, and my healing timeline was pretty standard, but I had two incidents that reopened the wounds later.

The first was finding the AP on Pinterest 7-8 years ago. A friend of mine was a new BS and was showing me her H's AP's Pinterest. I got curious about my H's AP, so I looked her up. She had posted hundreds of memes about unrequited love. Long story, but I'm about 95% sure it's my H she's pining and posturing for. It threw me for a loop that she was still out there carrying a torch. That sent me into a tailspin where I resumed frequent pain shopping. I was my own worst enemy.

The second incident is what brought me back here a couple of years ago. My H had an emotional breakdown/MLC and went hog wild with our finances building a hot rod. Financial infidelity, essentially, combined with a lot of unreliable behavior.

Honestly, there are times when I wonder if it would have been easier on both of us if we had D'ed 20 years ago. It would be nothing but a distant memory. H is a great partner now, but there will always be a part of me that feels like a chump for staying.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 10:33 PM, Wednesday, December 4th]

I had a similar issue several years ago when I came face to face with AP very unexpectedly and it really set me back. I became kind of a recluse after that. I stopped running errands, shopping and going out any time I could avoid it. I was terrified of running into her again and I was enraged that she moved 2 miles from the town we moved to so we could "start fresh". I had felt safe there up until then.

They really don’t have any idea how much they have messed us up for life, do they? There’s nothing that compares to this trauma. 🥺

💗💗💗

There are too many factors to individual healing, that there could be a number or combination of reasons for why this is the case....just like there are a number of reason why some of us were pretty much healed after only a year. My quick healing was because I had great support of friends and some family, and because I filed within 3 months of discovery and never looked back and never had regrets. Grieving the loss of all my plans for the future and for the death of the dream of who I THOUGHT he was (versus who he was when the mask came off) and what I thought our marriage was,took a little bit longer. Another huge contribution to my rapid healing was how vicious and horrible he was to me during the divorce. In less than a year, not only did I not live him anymore, I didn't like who he really was. Hard to pine over such a colossal asshole.
In comparison, my SIL took almost 5 years because her husband was actually very decent during the divorce and still took care of her financially for about 3 years after the divorce was final. Plus, he didn't cheat until after they were separated for reasons unrelated to adultery. She didn't want to file for divorce and kept hoping he would come to his senses and come home. It's totally understandable why she wanted to stay in limbo for so long.

I’ve thought about the 2-5 year rule of thumb a lot, mainly because I’m 4.5 years out and not healed yet, and that gives me anxiety sometimes. I definitely have the "will I ever heal" feeling from time to time.

I don’t know if I have a full, accurate perspective on why I’m a slow healer yet, but here’s what I’ve come up with so far:

First, he engaged in a month of incredibly elaborate lying and gaslighting between DDAY1 when I found the first indication that something was up and confronted him, and DDAY2, when I found definitive proof. After DDAY2 he did a near-complete 360 in terms of honesty and devoted himself fully to reconciliation, but that lying did a number on me. I know that’s not unusual, as far as infidelity goes, but over time it’s caused more psychological turmoil than the affair itself. I’ve been able to deal with the pain of the affair pretty well, but the whiplash of going from 100% trust in my husband (yes, I was naive; that’s on me) to zero still has ripple effects.

Second, we were dealing with another huge trauma at the time—the painful death of a close family member we were caring for. That meant we were processing a lot of things at the same time and trying to help our kids and other family members through painful times.

Third, my husband still worked with his AP, so the first year or so a lot of our focus was diverted toward figuring out that, not individual healing or reconciliation. Ultimately I think a longer healing time was a worthwhile trade off over the level of disruption that would’ve been involved in him changing jobs, but it meant I didn’t really even start the healing process until a year or more after DDay. Even though my husband was fully committed to reconciliation, we were wayyyyyy out of our depth and naive about how to approach it, at least partly because,

Fourth, covid and our geographical location seriously limited our access to good individual therapy (and later, couples therapy). Only this year have we been able to access ongoing, solid professional help.

Fifth, this betrayal ABSOLUTELY brought up childhood and adolescent trauma I hadn’t dealt with. That is connected to why the lying/gaslighting hit me so hard and still ties my psyche in knots sometimes.

I get discouraged about my healing timeline sometimes, but when I think about all that I give myself a break. I’m working to heal, my husband is a good candidate for reconciliation, and my trajectory is what it is. The arc may be long, but as long as it bends toward healing and reconciliation, I’m fine sticking with it.

[This message edited by Grieving at 10:58 AM, Tuesday, December 10th]

Wow! Thank you all for the responses to this thread. Reading other perspectives helps me immensely. Evidently the 2-5 year healing "rule" is just so different for everyone.

In many ways I can see why it might take longer to heal if you’re choosing the path of R … it really takes a lot out of a person. There are many times, at least for me/my situation, where I feel/think I would of been healed (or close too) by now if I would of "left on Dday. I was so over my POS H and shitty M that I had already been mentally checked out for a long time. Then once Dday happens I all of a sudden have this H who wants to do a 180 and take accountability for not just his A, but all the pre-A shit.

It would have been soooooo much easier if he continued being a loser. Instead, I got someone who pulled his head out of his ass. Yet, this has left me even more confused and seems to have slowed my "healing." It’s weird.