SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t know what to say about online dating other than people are jerks. Holy it is unbelievable.

So I am 58, 6 ft tall and no longer skinny but I think I still look ok. My ego was trashed on Sunday.

Here is the story….

I agreed to meet a guy and play crib in a pub. We both like games. It felt fun, and I liked his apparent sincerity. So I drive 35 minutes to the meeting place.

He saw me walk into the pub, did not think it was me because I wasn't tall or looked like my picture and he stayed in his truck for 15 mins more than left.

I was there for 2.5 hours, eventually decided to have soup and talked to my cousin on the phone. It's the first time I have had a meal by myself in a restaurant, so that was good. I thought I was stood up, which was not a good feeling.

When I got home I realized he had messaged me from the truck, that's when he told me. He saw me walk into the pub, said I didn’t look tall or like my picture. I was flabbergasted. I sent him a picture of me that very minute, and said I didn't think it was that different from my pictures in my profile . When he didn't respond, I assumed that he didn't want to meet me and asked that question. So with ‘day of’ pict he told me sorry no thanks.

So this guy who looks like a grandpa, basically checked me out, said ugh, and left.

And through my idiocy/ follow up, I made the rejection 100% by sending him another picture, and kinda repeated the rejection.

Not my best day.

What a jerk! He could at least have been gentleman enough to show up and play a game.

Just chalk it up to experience, but bullet dodged, Tallgirl.

I haven't even started dating yet so I don't have any advice to offer.

More likely, he got cold feet, couldn't bring himself to meet, the rest is just excuses.

Anyone who looks at a 6 ft tall woman walk into a pub and decides that "she doesn’t look tall" when she is objectively tall any standard does not seem like someone with good discernment or common sense. Like if you had blond hair and he said "well it didn’t look like you have blond hair" - that is dumb. Facts are facts.

I see so many women post on tiktok about guys saying that they didn’t look like their profile picture so they go through their profile and it very clearly looks like them. I sort of wonder if some of these men are talking to so many women they forget who they are meeting? It’s bizzare.

Don’t take it personally. Even though I know that would be impossible for me to do, it really wasn’t personal at all. Maybe his vision is bad? I don’t even know but really it just sounds ridiculous.

Thanks for the support. I deleted my profile. Taking a break, and maybe will start up again in person next year.

The guy was definitely a jerk for not even getting out of his truck . Period.

I tried online dating a few times over the past several years. I also have couple of male friends who are longtime online daters. My take:

I didn’t use filters in my photos. Ever. All photos were from within the past year at most, and my weight never fluctuates more than 5 pounds either way. Many men have expressed relief that I not only look like my photos, but look better than my photos in person (I photographed terribly!) . They have all said that the vast majority of women post old photos, 30 pounds ago, and use heavy filters making their skin look perfect (if a woman is 60 and has no wrinkles, she uses filters, you morons! But I digress)

If your photos were recent, unfiltered, and portrayed you in a realistic current light, then that guy was just a jerk, plain and simple. Take a break, lick your wounds, and get back out there when you feel ready. There are some nice men out there.

PS: I’m always sure to include one full length photo of myself in my profile so that there are no disappointments. I’m pretty lean, all around, and if a man likes curves, I don’t want him to be disappointed when he sees me in person the first time.

All of that said, I love that you stayed and had a meal by yourself. I love those moments, and I have done that many times myself. Online dating is not for the faint of heart. I did it when I probably was not in the right headspace, and I got my heart bruised a couple of times. But for every bruised heart and rejection you experience, that just makes you available for when the right man comes along.

You’re going to be OK.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:44 PM, Saturday, December 16th]

Bump

Sending positive thoughts. You are dateable and there are people out there who would be happy to be in a relationship with a genuine kind decent human. Trust me.

I think online is mostly skewed. I have no experience in it but I have friends who have tried it.

I am not dating because I am I in an exclusive relationship with someone who I met at a business related conference.

I am wondering about people’s experiences with professional matchmakers? Is that a better place to meet people than online?

Online dating can be a real doozy. Definitely have to have thick skin nowadays for it and of course try not to take any of it personally which is easier said than done. I did meet my current partner via online dating but this was after weeding through about a thousand men and many dates. Some of the men I met up with posted pics that looked a lot younger than they were in person so I had that issue, but I still went through with the date and just didn't take it further. I think what this guy did was crappy and bullet dodged on this one. Taking a break sounds like a good idea, but don't let it dissuade you it's like weeding through the bad to get to the good. Good ones are out there

I have not tried the online dating myself, but I recall once, many moons ago, when online in person stuff was just starting I did something that put me off from any kind of online meeting - I am, and always will be, an in-person person. You, Tallgirl, might be too. It's more work to do the whole IRL thing, but I think it's a bit more rewarding and less like dealing with small children shopping for a new toy.

There was this website online called "chat roulette" that me and two of my friends decided to log into after a decent night of drinking. The concept was that you logged in and were connected by video to anyone in the world who also was logged in, and you could just click "next" at any time, saying nothing, or talking to whoever was on there.

Of the three of us - if I had to "rank" us at the time, while all three of us were relatively attractive and never struggled for attention, my friend "Jane" consistently was hit on the most as she was just all around very attractive. Jane, however, has a more round face that photos and videos make wider than in real life - and while she was not overweight at all, her face on a video screen looked like she might be.

So we drunkenly logged in, and the first person we got was this relatively attractive guy somewhere in Europe who told us that our video was not working - so while we could see and hear him, he could only hear us. He tried to help us figure out how to make our video work, and while trying to do so, he told us the perils of the platform. Warning us of the seemingly endless stream of erect penises and other nonsense we were about to embark upon, and telling us to chin up as there were a "lot of mean people who seem to have lost all sense of dignity and kindness" likely because there was no recourse for their behavior. He told us to chin up, and not to take it seriously, and to have fun with it as there were some really interesting people on there if you were willing to wade through the others.

Ultimately we were unable to get our video to work without disconnecting so we lost the nice guy, and tuned back in. While we did see a lot of penises (something I will never understand - penises aren't very nice to look at and honestly who cares dude?!?) and weird people just staring and other oddities. There were several occasions where we would run across a group of two or more guys felt the need to immediately "rank" the three of us, or who would do so after chatting like normal humans for a few minutes, and some would comment that Jane would be a lot more attractive if she weren't "so fat," and a few others who felt the need to tell her she was very attractive and would be a knockout if she lost weight, and a few others still who were straight up mean. All based on the image of my friend's face, of which is distorted by light, cameras and screens, and which gives zero insight not only into what she looks like, but who she is. While we had some serious laughs (people were doing and saying all kinds of hilarious stuff too), when it was over I felt like a world with no consequences for your actions aside from being deleted off a screen brought out more negatives than positives in people, to which I decided I wanted little part of.

Tallgirl, you are better off without this person, as has been said already here. You also may find you are one of these people who is unwilling to wade through the piles of shit people on dating sites to find the decent ones. You will be okay if this is you - people have been meeting other people without the "help" of online dating for a long time.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:25 PM, Wednesday, February 14th]

I think whothebleep has offered some great thoughts

My experience of OLD is that it’s hard and it can be fun and it can be deflating.

Unfortunately I think it’s definitely a merry go round with "next" being your favourite word to get through it.

I did it for about 3 years and have taken a break for 3 years and to be honest need to get back out there now. I know that it requires guts which is why I’m flaking a bit. But that’s the exact point, when I did it very successfully in terms of having a thick skin the first year I did it, I was fresh out (one year afterwarrds) from my long term serial xWH. So amazingly I was so grateful and had the mentally of joy and don’t waste my time "next". Rejection is HARD and having to repeat that over and over is HARDER. But I guess it’s just trying to see that all the genuine people on those sites will be experiencing the same thing….. You will be rejecting people everyday on OLD too. Not everyone is for everyone. If someone wastes your time, find the lesson or the positive… like you already did this time with solo dining. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt because I think this process does hurt but I guess the process of not trying in the long run might hurt those of us that want a new partner more.

I think you’re very brave to be giving it a shot. Be kind to yourself.

Make sure your photos are current and unfiltered. Yes you might miss the swipe on some of the guys but then when you meet someone they never feel disappointed at the beginning of the date. This is always my approach / take on it and from my very first online date always been told my photos don’t do me justice. The guy gets a pleasant surprise rather than disappointment from some fake filter. That’s because sooooo many women lead them on…. Imagine being the guy that can’t recognise their date because the photos are nothing like the person. This happens to them all the time and that has got to be awful to be on the receiving end of. In all my dates, it’s only happened to me once and I can tell you it wasn’t nice as the guy looks nothing like the photos. It felt like a lie and as a previously BS honestly for me is important. Maybe the guy that did this to you is sensitive because they have had a bad experience and maybe they were without the social skills to just have dinner with a stranger and think it’s ok if I don’t like them. We don’t know their situation or the place they are coming from but what he did show you was that you aren’t capatible anyhow because you would have done the date regardless of how the person looked when you arrived.

Looking forward to an update on your next date. Chin up and keep trying ! Sending hugs

I'm a guy who lives in his head, and so I looked at the research on OLD, and quite frankly, it does not look promising from a cost/benefit pov. I've done it off and on over the years, and gone on some dates. But when I look atvthe membership fees, time spent per day, and the added stress level in my life, it doesn't seem to make sense. Add to that, the few matches I make, and I start to think I'm a pariah.

Now, I have had two relationships since my S, and both happened IRL. So my advicexwould be to just live your very best life, doing things you enjoy. Get out and mix with people who share your interests. Most likely, you will connect with someone organically. If not, you are still living your best life. It's win-win.

The best thing about OLD is getting off it. One chap handcuffed himself to the bed for his profile pic. He wasn't too crash hot, I doubt there were any takers. I wonder if anyone found his body cuffed to the bed months later.

What I heard in his message was "Oh shit. She is so far out of my league. She actually IS 6’ tall? I’m not going to be able to fake my 5’10" self up to 6’. I will look like a troll next to her beauty. Better text her and tell her it’s all her…".

What a cowardly asshat.

This wasn’t about you at all.

Tallgirl, I was 5 ft 11 inches in the 6th grade, and 6 ft by my teenage years. I agree, nekorb nailed it! Cannot tell you how many guys react subliminally to a tall female with fear and/or other squirrelly feelings! We also have to guard against attracting little boys in man suits who seem drawn to 'a towering female protective presence.' I've repeatedly found such a person to have major issues going back to his childhood, that he isn't conscious of, yet somehow hopes you will repair. Why is this likely to be a problem? I think we all know too well! "Next!"

[This message edited by Superesse at 1:59 PM, Monday, February 19th]

Yeah, I am.

Here’s my take.

His fear of whatever forced him to run from the scene with any excuse he could find.

Your beauty or confidence may have intimidated him and he gave in to his insecurities by running far and fast.

He didn’t reject you. He allowed his fears to rule his choices.

I bet you are not the first person he did this too lol.

Good to know he’s a jerk before you invest any more time w/ him.

I am 49, divorced 8 years and finally gave up on dating two years ago. I met someone pretty quickly after my divorce, and things ended after just over 3 years, in 2020. I went back to OLD, which was, at times, exhilarating, but ultimately soul destroying, degrading, humiliating. The idea of competing with women you don’t even now, and trying to be someone you are not, just to stand a chance, completely broke me.

It’s now been two years and a bit, and I am doing ok. I enjoy my freedom, I travel, I am there for my kids in a way I haven’t been for years. And the very fact that I don’t have to pretend anymore is wonderful. Am I happy? No, I am not. I feel lonely at times and wonder if this is really it for me. And, I am not proud to admit, I do feel a pang of envy whenever one of my friends meets someone. Steadiness and contentment are the most I can aspire to and it feels, at times, that I have given up on being happy again.

Every six months or so, I check out one of the free sites I still have an account with, and I typically last two days before a mix of panic and nausea wash over me. So, I am not ready and that’s ok.

So, I’d say to you, if you feel OLD is eating your soul and affecting your self esteem, then do consider giving it up and focusing on yourself, until such time where meeting someone feels like a nice option, but not a necessity.