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Tortured

TorturedMe: BSHim: WH (serial)Three kidsDD: Nov 2015 (and so much trickle truth that I would be listing a month a DDays)Sep: Dec 2016

Devastated….When you finally tell your child what their dad did

My DS has his first girlfriend.

Over the last couple of weeks I have had a few discussions with friends that it was probably time I had to tell him so that he understands more about how he should and shouldn’t treat a partner. He really hasn’t got any good role models and hasn’t had the ideal upbringing. I also mentioned to her mum that he doesnt know what his dad did but it was time to tell him this month and the reasons I wanted to (so that he understands not to make the same mistakes as his dad and grandad and I suspect his great grandad).

So a conversation started between us with me having to address a phone conversation I had with gis girlfriends mother. And it went downhill from there with my DS not engaging and then eventually explaining that if he’s quiet it ends my lectures sooner and he’s went on about my mental state and the damage I’ve done to him and his younger sisters. So given it was only a month away from when I was planning on telling him the story I sat down and explained what his dad had done (serial cheater for over a decade).

I’m devastated and cried a lot and of course my son was in utter shock of the bubble that I just burst about his dad. I’m not sure whether I told him too much or the right amount for impact. I’m not even sure that that’s meant to look like. I just know that I want it to be enough for him to not repeat it in his life like his dad and grandad. I can’t help but feel like I’ve done it wrong. How in the hell is there ever a right way?

For years my children haven’t understood my behaviour by hiding what my ex did to me and the PSTD and struggles of the stress I’m always feeling as a single mum. There was so much trauma and my whole body feels it. Nobody ever wants to have to deliver that message to their child. There is no joy in sharing what a horrible man their father is. It’s even worse when their father is the classic Mr nice guy, successful, has it together and is calm for the kids. It means that they have always thought I was the bat shit crazy one for no reason when really this is who I become not who I was before I was with him.

There’s some relief that maybe my son will have more understanding for me. But none of this takes away any of the history between the home where I’ve not been the best mum I could have been to my kids. For my son he pretty much lost his childhood.

What infidelity did to our family has been devastating and it’s impact long lasting. I hope any WS reading this has a long and hard think about what it did to their kids. Because at least in my instance, my kids didn’t just lose a family, they lost the mom that I had been and I became a shadow of a mum instead.

To the BS out there, I’m at a total loss of how I can fix the damage that’s been done in my home and my relationship with my kids. Any advice is much needed at the moment. I feel like I can’t breathe.

7 comments posted: Monday, May 13th, 2024

Pity party… No one buying me Christmas presents

Pity post but it’s honestly how I feel

It’s been 7 years since separation. That happened two day before Xmas.

I have kids who were very little at the time. Youngest is now double digits this year.

Christmas and my birthday I find are the hardest two days of the year. Christmas is way worse because I have to split the time with my kids.

But this days are reminders that life is not how I would like it to be. Even though I have dated over the years, I’ve never been partnered at Xmas time. So basically I don’t received a special present. At first my WH bought a present from the kids for me. I could never bring myself to do this as it felt like buying a gift for my abuser. He repartnered that first year so I felt his girlfriend can help the kids do that instead which is more appropriate. After a few years he stopped buying something from the kids.

My middle child is always very conscious of trying to buy a present for me which is super sweet and she gets the other involved. I have to give them the money to buy something for me.

But it’s never the same as having a partner who is actually thinking of you. And making you feel special. I miss it terribly. As I exited the shopping centre last night it really hit home and I got emotional and had to hide that from my girls.

So I’m feeling that pity party. I know I can force myself of snap out of it but somehow that is denying my feelings at the same time.

Does anybody find this time of year hard?

9 comments posted: Wednesday, December 20th, 2023

New relationship - not sure what to do

I’ve been saying something new for two months. It’s been pretty emotional intense for a few reasons.

The first is that I met him through an investment community I’m in so I was hesitant to get involved. It was really excited and the chemistry is hot so after a few dates I talked (with him) my way into deciding I wanted it.

The challenge…. We live 1 hr 20 (min) apart. The bigger challenge is he has four kids (same mum) but the 14 & 16 live full time with him and his younger two rotate week about with the mum. He therefore has a lot on his plate. He’s also given up his career to pursue two other business streams so there’s a time commitment involved.

I have three kids and our kids free weekends are aligned. I have majority care and only 4 nights free a fortnight.

So far he has opted to come down to spend usually one or two nights with me on my kids free weekends. He older two are left alone but his sister lives in the apartment under his.

He has become overwhelmed. He feels like he’s spread too thin and he’s suddenly realised it’s not working to leave the two older kids alone. I’m a mum so I’m understanding. But he’s more stressed over feeling like he has commitments.

I’m happy to look at how to make adjustments to keep the relationship going. Ie cut the overnight stays, me commute to him. But I’ve hit a trigger point for him from his marriage (wife left him after having an affair). Because for years before the end his former wife made him feel like he wasn’t giving her enough, he’s pessimistic because of this and feeling concerned that I’m going to get discontented down the track and that leave him feel the same way he did when his wife was unhappy and then left. Like he’s giving all he can and it’s not enough.

It’s like it’s self preservation. He doesn’t want to get hurt. Yes the distance has probably made this a thing because if we hear closer it would lend to seeing each other in smaller time slots.

How I see it….. After dating for 6-7 years now, I know it’s more important to find the right personality. Our kids aren’t going to be young forever. Our eldest each only have two years of school left. His youngest is 9. Mine is 10. We have no intention to "Brady bunch" ever in the same home. So this is about how we can find time to see each other.

I feel the need to calm his triggers. Not sure how.

4 comments posted: Monday, October 16th, 2023

Is it me or him or both???

I’m seven year out from my split with the serial cheater. I’ve had numerous 3-4 relationships with oh not so right people which lasts about 3 months a piece. I had one longer 9 month one that I totally fell in love with that broke my heart during COVID lockdowns. I haven’t put myself back on OLD since though had seen 2 people very briefly over a year ago meeting them random ways and hadn’t dated since. The friends with benefits was I think the worse decision of my life (much younger man).

Strangely enough even though I was so burnt by my WH it didn’t turn me off men initially However since the bad burn 2.5 years ago I’m not terrified of dating. With WH people didn’t see it coming most of all me (family and friends all said you would never that guessed it). With 3 year ago man, I choose to believe in him so I feel "complicit" and I don’t trust myself because I never picked up on the red flags.

Anyhow fast forward to a week ago and I had a tradesperson help me via a Facebook forum come to my house and repair something. They were ultra polite, chatty and refused payment so I just said I’ll shout to dinner at the pub. We ate and chatted and he was was nice and respectful as expected. He dropped me home and then when he got home an hour later asked if I was interested in seeing him again.

I actually thought he was kinda attractive and although not my not normal type (I’ve always dated white collar people) I thought he seemed nice so I kept the chat going.

I’m ultra busy raising three kids and full time work and Reno so I wasn’t dating (I thought) because I know I don’t have time at the moment to dedicate to someone. He’s moved to this city a few years ago for his kids benefit to support their interests but they are now young adults. So he’s free it seems all the time outside work.

it’s only been a week and we haven’t been able to go on a real date yet but I’m getting what feels to be very too strong vibes. Over keen. He’s expressed he’s looking for a forever relationship and he wants a partner to do things with. My red flag is that he’s also got us like a long time image by using "we" and "next year" and I kinda want just a date to see if I even feel like another date.

I get we are all different, and he got together with his wife young at 20 and was with her nearly 20 years. I think he seems a nice person but maybe just lonely and it’s coming across as desperate. I feel he’s "latched" onto a potential partner rather than just a spark of interest in me. (I’m not suggesting he doesn’t think I’m attractive as he indicated that immediately)

How do I handle this?

On both angles… ie first I’ve realised I’m really making excuses myself to have not started dating again because this situation has made me immediately fear getting hurt again. The problem here is I’m scared to trust myself to be a good judge of a man. I feel I’m a really good judge at making new friendships with women but that doesn’t seem to work in romantic space.

And two … what do I do with this person? Do I try a date or pull out now?

5 comments posted: Wednesday, May 31st, 2023

Long distance..... Covid lockdown... its over

It’s been four years this year since my xwh left.

There been lots of dating. I’ve been with my current partner since January.

It’s long distance - one hour flight or 1000 kms ... we met when he was in town on holiday.

Due to covid one directional lockdowns I’ve had to do all the travel since march as he wasn’t allowed to come to me. That’s me flying to him.

10 days ago that lockdown changed to bi directional so we can’t see each other. First anxiety attacks since my xwh infidelity.

He’s taken this latest lockdown to raise our distance problem and is calling it because the immediate issue is we can’t see each other and there no date on resolution. Long term we both have children and he has a business and he can’t see how we can make it work.

Has anybody else done this? How did you make it work?

I’m currently devastated. First person I’ve actually loved since Xwh. Honestly I thought we were goi g to be long term. There was nothing wrong with our relationship .... we had never even had one fight or argument.

[This message edited by Tortured at 1:25 AM, August 15th (Saturday)]

7 comments posted: Saturday, August 15th, 2020

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